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by Ashley Jade
She laughs. “That’s kind of the point, silly.”
I look at Dylan. “What do you think?”
She shuffles her feet. “Honestly?”
“Of course.”
I expect nothing less from her.
“You don’t look like you. To be frank, you kind of look like you belong on the cheerleading squad.” She huffs. “This is so dumb, Sawyer. You don’t need a makeover. You’ve always been beautiful.”
For a fat girl.
On one hand, I understand what Dylan’s saying. A big reason we clicked instantly was because of our mutual disdain for girls like Casey.
We were the rejects.
And in turn…we rejected.
Because it makes you feel better to put down the superficial when you’re made to feel like you’ll never belong.
But when you get a taste of what their world is like…what acceptance feels like…
When society stops seeing you as the fat girl and they start looking at you like you’re an actual human being worthy of attention and kindness…
It’s like the sun breaking through the clouds.
The world feels a lot warmer…a lot less dark.
I turn back to the mirror. “Do they have this in green? It’s Cole’s favorite color.”
Chapter 84
Sawyer
“Oh, my goodness. Sawyer Grace,” Mama cries out. “What did you do?”
I wince. “That bad, huh?”
I let Bianca get away with a little more than originally agreed upon.
Specifically, four outfits, a prom dress—one that I really love, though—a few long layers and highlights, and a shit ton of new makeup.
Oh, and…contacts.
Which were a serious pain in the ass to put in.
She places her hand over her heart. “No. You look so beautiful.” Tears spring to her eyes as she takes a step back. “Gosh, sweetie. I am so proud of you.”
I’ve consistently made National Honor Society throughout the years, scored a 1600 on my SATs, got accepted to Duke’s Heart on a full ride, and I’m a shoo-in to be the valedictorian at graduation.
Yet this woman has never once told me she was proud of me.
Until now.
My father stops short when he sees me. “What—” Disappointment fills his brown eyes. “I see.”
I have no idea what that means.
Whatever. Us growing apart is solely on him.
Just because I lost weight doesn’t mean he lost a daughter.
Besides, he’s the one who called me fat behind my back that day.
He should be elated I took care of the problem.
“Thanks, Mama.” I glance at the clock. “Shoot. I have to go pick up Cole.” I grab my purse and the overnight bag I packed from the kitchen table. “Oh, and don’t wait up. I’m spending the night at Dylan’s.”
It’s a lie. I’m spending the night at Cole’s. However, they don’t have to know that.
Although I think my mother secretly suspects the truth.
“Have a good time at the party.” She kisses my cheek. “Be safe.”
Yup, I read that loud and clear.
Do not come home pregnant or Daddy will shoot your boyfriend.
“Bye, Daddy.”
He grumbles something under his breath before stalking off.
I trek toward the door. “Bye, Mama. Love you.”
“Love you.”
It’s all I can do not to keel over.
That’s two for two today.
First, she’s proud…now she loves me.
Taking these pills was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I’m gonna have to get more.
“What do you mean you’re out?” Oakley questions. “I just gave you twenty-five of them on Monday.”
“Keep your voice down,” I hiss.
We’re in the guesthouse, but it’s not like Cole or Bianca can’t randomly pop in and overhear us.
“It was a really hectic week, Oak. I had a lot of studying to do, remember? Plus, the pills don’t work as good as they used to, so I needed to take more to get a little boost.”
“Yeah, that’s called developing a tolerance. But given you’ve only been on it for a few months instead of years—and you finished all the goddamn pills I gave you already—you’re obviously taking way more than you’re supposed to.”
I hate the shame coursing through me.
But not nearly as much as I hate the way he’s looking at me like I’m scum.
It’s not fair. He’s acting like he’s never had issues or taken pills before.
Unlike the shit he takes, I actually need this medication. My pills make everything better…not worse.
“Wow, that’s an awful lot of judgment coming from someone who’s not only hiding the fact he’s selling drugs from his best friends—but was so high out of his mind one night, he took advantage of their baby sister.”
It’s harsh and it’s wrong.
But I hate that the key to my happiness lies with him.
Oakley can cut me off whenever he wants and ruin everything.
I can’t let that happen.
I don’t ever want to be the fat girl again. Not when I’ve finally gotten everything I’ve ever wanted.
Oakley looks like I slapped him. “I didn’t…it was a mistake. She crawled into my bed—”
I loathe the next words out of my mouth…but they’re a very necessary evil. “Do you really think Jace and Cole will see it that way when they find out?”
He looks so betrayed I could cry.
God, I can’t stand myself.
“I might not be book smart like you, but I can smell blackmail from a mile away.” His shoulders slump. “What do you want?”
“One hundred should tie me over for the next month.”
His face screws up. “You’re kidding, right?”
“I don’t need your judgment, Oakley.”
“No, you don’t need these pills.” He palms his head. “This isn’t you.”
“You’re right. It’s not. And thank fucking God. Because that Sawyer was gross and—”
“No, she wasn’t.” His voice is filled with sadness. “She was my friend who would never blackmail me for drugs.” Digging inside his pocket, he whips out a pill bottle. “Here’s ten to help you with the withdrawals. Because after that…I’m done.”
Panic claws at my chest. “You can’t be serious.”
He points to the door. “Trust me, I am.”
He tries to walk away, but I side-step him. “Please, Oakley. Don’t do this. I need—”
“No, you don’t.”
My stomach rolls and I feel lightheaded. If he cuts me off, I’ll go back to being fat.
I’ll lose everything.
My body, my mother’s love…maybe even Cole.
My chest compresses as the room spins. “Please. I’ll do anything you want. Anything.”
I reach for his face, but he grabs my wrists. “Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I freeze, the realization of what I was about to offer hitting me square in the heart.
I can’t believe I almost…
God, I feel sick. So fucking sick.
“This isn’t you, Sawyer.”
He’s right.
“I’m sorry—”
“Don’t apologize to me,” he sneers. “Apologize to Cole. He’s the one who’s in love with a whore.”
I slap him. Hard.
“How dare you—”
“What else do you call someone who throws themselves at men in exchange for money or drugs?”
Oh, God. I can’t breathe.
“I wasn’t. I didn’t—” I can’t speak.
I’d never do that to Cole.
I love him. So much.
Finally, I find my voice. “I’m not a whore. I’d never fuck you for Adderall because I’m not some kind of worthless drug addict.” I glare at him. “I’m not you.”
I yelp when he yanks
on my arm. “Funny, my mother swore she wasn’t a worthless drug addict, either.” He opens his front door. “Then she drained her husband’s bank account and fucked her dealer in front of her four-year-old son…right before she abandoned her family for good.”
A pang of sympathy strikes me. “Oak—”
“Get out.” He shoves me. “Come back when you’re Sawyer again.”
“I am Saw—”
“No, you’re not.”
Chapter 85
Cole
“You don’t like it?” Sawyer questions, biting her lip.
No. I fucking don’t.
The dress, the hair, the heels, the pound of makeup on her face…the contacts.
She looks nothing like the girl I fell in love with.
“It’s…okay,” I settle on. “I guess.”
I’m not trying to be a dick or hurt her, but I’m not gonna stand here and pretend I like her new look when I don’t.
Fortunately, the real Sawyer I fell in love with is still inside.
I hope.
“Do you want me to drive?”
“Nope.” She shoots me a frosty glare as she teeters down my driveway in her heels. “I’m good.”
“You’re mad at me.”
“Gee, you think?”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you—”
“It’s fine.”
Wrapping my hand around her wrist, I halt her. “You don’t need all that shit on your face or that tiny dress.” Inhaling sharply, I give her another dose of honesty. “And since we’re on the subject, I think you’re…whatever diet you’re on needs to stop.”
I’ve tried to be understanding, but I can’t anymore.
She looks like a completely different person.
Her curves are gone. Her ass is almost non-existent.
And don’t even get me started on her tits…what’s left of them.
However, I could deal with all that if she wasn’t always so exhausted and moody lately.
If she was still her cute, sarcastic, sassy, sweet self.
But she’s not.
It’s like I lost her more and more with every pound.
She might look skinnier…but she doesn’t look healthier.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she almost looks strung out.
Probably because she’s not eating enough.
Her eyes narrow to tiny slits. “You have a lot of nerve.” She pokes me in the chest with one of her pink talons. “You called me fat in front of the entire school, and now that I lost weight you—”
“I was wrong, Sawyer. I didn’t say it because I meant it. I said it because—”
“Because it was expected,” she says, her voice wavering. “The thing you had to say because I was put in the fat girl box.” She yanks her wrist back. “Fuck that box. And fuck you too if you no longer love me because you’re insecure with me finally being attractive.”
She’s got it all wrong. So fucking wrong.
“I never said I didn’t love you. And this isn’t insecurity…this is concern for your health. Huge difference.”
“Right.” Tossing her head back, she laughs. “My God, people never cease to amaze me. When I was fat all I heard was—” She makes air quotes with her fingers. “‘You should be concerned about your health.’ And now that I’m finally at a normal weight…I still get the same shit. Un-fucking-believable.”
I have no idea what to say to that.
Society sucks…sometimes people don’t always get it right.
Being bigger doesn’t always mean you’re unhealthy and being smaller isn’t a guarantee that you are.
But I can’t fix society.
I can’t take away all the shitty things people have said to her over the years that made her feel less than perfect.
I can’t make her see herself the way I see her.
The way I’ve always seen her…way before she dropped the weight.
It’s all beyond my control.
The only thing I can do is love her.
In whatever form she comes in.
I wrap my arms around her. “Tell me how to fix this.”
“You can’t,” she chokes out, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I just wanted my boyfriend to tell me I looked pretty so we could go have fun at the party. I wanted to be a normal girl for one night.”
Sawyer is anything but a normal girl…and that’s exactly what I love about her.
But I want her to have this.
Because I want to make her happy.
Tipping her chin, I wipe the mascara streaks away with my thumbs. “You look beautiful, Bible Thumper.” Leaning in, I give her a kiss. “Let’s go have fun at the party.”
That sparkle is back in her eyes again when she looks up at me. “You mean it?”
“Yeah.”
She’s getting into the car when it catches my eye.
The designer purse I got her for her birthday.
The one she swore wasn’t her.
Chapter 86
Sawyer
“Why aren’t you eating?” Dylan questions. “I got your favorite.”
Revulsion spears me as I stare down at the plate of cheese fries.
Despite the grumbling in my stomach, I know better.
One bite will destroy everything.
Fortunately, I popped five Adderall a little while ago so it’s just mental hunger I’m battling.
I push them away, getting rid of the temptation. “I ate before I left the house.”
Dylan looks at me warily. “Why? You knew we were having a junk food and movie marathon tonight.”
I can’t stand the way she’s drilling me. “Why does it always have to be junk food?” She starts to speak, but I don’t let her. “Not everyone is naturally skinny like you. Would you bring cigarettes to a patient with lung cancer?”
She looks insulted. “Of course not. But Sawyer you’re not…you never were…you know.”
White hot rage surges through my blood. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s tiptoed around that word like it was a nuclear missile.
“For fuck’s sake, just say the word, Dylan. Fat.” I stand up. “F-A-T. Not curvy. Not chubby. Not big boned. Not pudgy. Fat.”
A crease forms between her brows. “That word has never crossed my mind when it comes to you. Ever.”
Jesus. It’s like she wants a prize for never calling the fat girl fat.
“Congrats, do you want a fucking medal?”
She slams down her drink. “What the fuck is your problem?”
A rush of emotion catches me by the throat. We’ve never gotten into a fight before. “Nothing—everything.”
“Talk to me.” She exhales sharply. “Because the way you’ve been acting lately is…”
“Is what?”
“I’m worried, Sawyer. Really worried. Between losing all this weight—”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“What?”
“You’re a size two, Dylan. I’m literally two sizes bigger than you, so stop acting like I’m some anorexic who’s in danger of starving herself.”
“You might not be an anorexic who’s starving herself, but you’re definitely not acting like yourself.”
Not her too. “God, I am getting so tired of people telling me that.”
She leans back in her seat. “Well, if so many people are telling you the same thing, you should probably think long and hard about why that might be.”
Wow. She’s supposed to be my best friend and here she is taking everyone else’s side over mine.
“Some best friend you are.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” I stand up so fast my seat goes flying back. “Then again, maybe you liked having a fat best friend.”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Wh—”
“Because that’s what pretty, skinny girls do. They get a fat best friend to make themselves look even prettier and skinnier in front of guys. God, I should have realized that was the deal aft
er you shacked up with Jace and dropped me on my ass.”
It’s not true. But I’m hurting, and I want to make her hurt.
“Wh—that’s so ridiculous I don’t even know how to respond, you jackass.”
“Jackass? Well, I’d rather be a jackass than a user. You talked so much shit about Britney last year, but deep down you’re just like her.”
She’s not, but I’ve already started, and I can’t seem to find the stop button. I’m just so angry all the time.
It’s the kind of rage I can’t control and I don’t know where it’s coming from.
“Jesus Christ,” Dylan snaps. “What is wrong with you? Did you lose weight in your brain too?”
That does it. “No, but I bet you’d love that, wouldn’t you? That way you’d have something to complain about just like you do everything else.” I place my hand over my forehead dramatically. “Poor me, my dad’s in jail. Poor me, my cousin fucked my aunt and didn’t graduate. Poor me, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. Poor me, college is so hard. Poor me, my boyfriend got me a car. Poor me, my best friend lost weight. Fuck you and your drama, Dylan.”
“Wow,” she seethes, standing up. “You are not the person I thought you were.”
“Ditto.”
We’re glaring at each other for the better part of a minute when Jace waltzes through the front door.
Oblivious to the tension, he strides over to the table. “Cheese fries. Sweet.”
“Have mine,” I tell him. “I was just leaving.”
“Good,” Dylan snaps. “Call me when you’re ready to apologize.”
God, she’s so arrogant. “Call me when you’re done being a stuck-up little brat.”
Mouth full of fries, Jace looks between us. “What’s happening?”
“Nothing,” we both yell at the same time.
He slowly backs away.
“Call me when you pull your head out of your ass.”
I grab my purse. “Call me when you’re done being a fake bitch.”
Her jaw drops. “Call me when you’re done channeling Bianca.”
I give her the finger as I walk to the door. “On second thought, don’t fucking call me. Ever.”
Chapter 87