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by Ashley Jade
Sawyer
“It was just a fight, I’m sure it will all blow over soon.”
I’m currently laying in Cole’s arms, sobbing like a baby in his bed.
“Dylan and I never fight.”
Her words. The way she looked at me like I was lower than dirt…it hurt like hell.
I just don’t understand why she—why no one—can be happy for me.
“She’s just worried about you,” he whispers.
“Why? I lost weight, Cole. I didn’t join a prostitution ring or a gang.”
He looks down at me. “It’s just...you’ve been a little on edge recently. Defensive.”
“Because everyone is on my case about my body.”
And then it happens…the tears fall faster and faster. So fast I can barely breathe.
I’m not just losing weight anymore. I’m losing everyone I love.
And I don’t understand why. Why is such a positive thing becoming negative?
Why does everyone hate me?
Why am I so angry all the time?
Why am I never good enough?
Cole rocks me in his arms. “Relax. Everything will be okay.”
“What if it’s not?”
What if Dylan and Oakley hate me forever?
What if Oakley was right about me having a problem?
I shake my head. No. It’s Adderall.
A medication prescribed to people all over the world.
And with the exception of Cole, it’s the best thing to ever happen to me.
There’s only one small problem. It might be ruining my life.
Because I can’t tell anyone about it.
Because they won’t understand why I want to keep taking it.
Because I’ll lose everyone.
You’re losing them anyway—my mind taunts.
Shifting, I wrap my arms around him. “Cole.”
The worry in his eyes takes my breath away. “Yeah?”
“Please don’t ever leave me.”
I feel so helpless and exposed, so unguarded.
He cups my cheek. “You have me. Always.”
Needing more than words, I lift his shirt over his head. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
His eyelids hood when I reach inside the waistband of his sweatpants. “Wh—”
“I want you.”
Right now, I feel like he’s the only one in the whole wide world who cares about me and I need to be close to him.
As close as I can get.
Rolling me on my back, he pulls my panties down my legs.
His head descends south, but I stop him. “No.”
Spreading my thighs as far as they’ll go, I glance up at him. “Now.”
His expression is a mixture of desire and turmoil as he lowers himself on top of me, rubbing the tip of his cock over my swollen pussy.
“Sawyer.”
It comes out like a plea as his hands slide under my ass and he propels himself inside me.
I stretch to accommodate him…like my body was molded for his.
He groans, his fingers digging into my hips as he pumps with greedy thrusts. “Fuck.”
“I need you,” I whisper, my head and mind spiraling.
I don’t feel normal lately and my life suddenly feels like it’s spinning out of control, but he’s the calm to my storm.
His green eyes swirl with unrestrained hunger as he repeats what he said before. “You have me. Always.”
Raising my hips, I meet him thrust for thrust.
I need him so bad…because it hurts so much.
I wrap my arms around his neck, clinging to him.
I need him because I love him so much…and he’s the only good thing I have left.
Chapter 88
Sawyer
Loki: I can meet you in an hour.
My thumb hovers over the keyboard of my phone as I crouch down next to the bed. I ended up asking Luis from work if he knew anyone who could get me Adderall since Oakley cut me off.
Turns out…he knew Loki and put me in contact with him.
We’re having our first meet up today.
I pop my head up over the bed and take in a still sleeping Cole.
One arm is stuffed under his pillow and the other is stretched out across my side of the mattress, like he’s reaching for me.
Sawyer: See you soon.
Making sure he’s still asleep, I fish the pill bottle out of my pocketbook.
I’ve been taking five per day—usually into two different doses—but it’s not working as well as it used to.
Given I really do have to study today, and I’ll be getting more pills from Loki, I don’t see the problem with taking a little more.
I pour the remaining five pills in my hand and pop them in my mouth.
I’m reaching for a glass of water on the nightstand when I hear, “What are you doing?”
I quickly swallow the pills. “I have a headache and remembered I had some Tylenol in my purse.”
Truth be told, I really do wish I had some because my body is sore as hell from our workout last night.
He frowns. “Maybe you have a headache because you never sleep anymore.” He pats the spot next to him. “Come back to bed.”
I’m about to make up an excuse, but I really can’t say no to him.
I crawl under the covers. “Okay, but only for a little while. I have to go home and study.”
He drapes his arm around me. “You can always study here.”
I have to suppress a laugh. Cole is the most distracting thing in the universe.
“Thanks, but that’s not gonna work out well for me.”
He looks offended. “Why?”
I run the tip of my finger down his nose. “You distract me too much.”
Dipping his head, he kisses the crook of my neck. “You distract me too…but in a good way.”
“I never said you distracted me in a bad way,” I point out.
My pulse speeds up as his fingertips trail down my stomach.
“Does it distract you when I do this?”
I bite my lip. “So much.”
My breathing accelerates as he toys with the drawstring on my sleep shorts.
“You okay?”
That’s weird. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
He studies my face. “You look a little pale.”
“That’s what happens when you have a busy schedule. You never have time for fun things like getting a tan.”
Smirking, he slips his hand inside my shorts. “How’s this for a fun thing?”
My heart does a little flip…and then a wave of nausea hits me.
“Whoa.”
“What?”
I move his hand. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t feel so hot.”
He blinks. “Feel so hot how?”
“I’m a little nauseous.”
He bolts up like he’s been singed. “Nauseous?”
Good Lord. You’d think he was the one feeling sick.
“Don’t worry. I’m sure it will pass.”
I sit up in his bed…but the room starts spinning. Or not.
His eyes cut to mine. “Do you think you might be pregnant?”
Now the room is spinning for an entirely new reason.
However, I’m ninety-nine percent sure I’m not.
“I’m on birth control, remember?”
His jaw tics. “I know. But it’s not foolproof.” He stands up, squeezing his neck. “Sawyer, I love you, but I am not ready to be a father. I’m only eighteen.”
He acts like we’re not the same age.
However, the petrified look on his face has my heart in my throat. “Relax. I take my birth control every day.”
“When was the last time you had your period?”
“A few days before the wedding.”
Although it was so light it barely qualified as one. Not that I’m complaining.
He looks like he’s trying to add things in his head, but I stop
him.
“I’m not pregnant. We had sex the weekend of the wedding.”
The look on his face tells me he has no idea what that means so I clarify.
“We’ve only been having sex for three weeks. If by some crazy chance I was pregnant, we wouldn’t even know yet.”
He looks relieved…until I see the wheels spinning in his head.
“I did that thing.” He gives me a look. “You know what I'm talking about.”
If by thing he means the night he snuck through my bedroom window and stuck his cum in my pussy with his fingers. Then yes, I know what thing. But that was a while ago.
“We’re fine.”
I, however, am not. Another wave of nausea hits me, worse than before. “Do you have any ginger ale downstairs?”
He looks between me and the door of his bedroom, almost like he’s debating making a run for it.
What the actual fuck.
“Are you serious right now?”
“I love you,” he repeats. “But I’m not ready to be a dad. Christ. We haven’t even graduated from high school yet. I know you probably don’t believe in abort—”
That does it. There is no need to talk about this because there is no baby.
“Would you shut up? I’m not pregnant.” I get off the bed, intending to leave. “But it’s nice to know if I was, you wouldn’t respect my choices.”
His eyes widen. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I think you should take a test. Just to be sure.”
“Fine. I will get one on my way home. Without you around.”
He looks like he wants to argue, but I don’t give him the chance.
I throw my sweatshirt over my head, slip my sneakers on, then grab my purse and overnight bag.
He tugs on my arm. “Sawyer.”
“What—”
He kisses me so gently…like I’m made out of glass.
“Whatever happens, I’m in this.”
“I know my body, Cole. I’m not pregnant. But, since you don’t believe me, I’ll take a damn test.”
Hell, I’ll take as many as I can afford to prove him wrong.
“I don’t want to fight with you. You’ve just been so moody the past two weeks—”
“Have a good day.” I push him away. “Me and my moody ass are leaving.”
“Sawyer,” he calls out when I reach the door.
“What?”
“I love you.”
My heart skips a beat. “I love you, too.”
I take a picture of the three different pregnancy tests laid out on a bathroom sink.
Not my bathroom sink. The one in the pharmacy bathroom.
Cole had me so riled up, I decided to stop on my way home to prove him wrong.
Just as I suspected, they’re all negative.
I quickly press send.
He replies almost instantly.
Cole: Thank fuck.
Sawyer: Yup.
Cole: Are you upset?
Yes, I am.
Sawyer: That you didn’t believe me? Yes. That I’m not pregnant? No.
Like he said before, we’re only eighteen. We have our whole lives ahead of us to have babies.
Cole: I won’t apologize for being worried and wanting to make sure we’re in the clear. There are two of us in this relationship, you know.
Well, when he puts it like that. It makes me feel like an asshole.
Sawyer: Sorry for freaking out on you.
Cole: Love you.
Sawyer: Love you, too. Call you later.
I can hear my parents arguing the second I open the door to my house.
I’m supposed to meet Loki soon, but I really need to get this nausea under control first.
I’m so lightheaded as I enter the living room, I’m tempted to plop down on the couch.
“Dylan stopped by,” my mother tells me as I walk past them. “She asked us to ask you to call her back since you’ve been ignoring her phone calls.”
I will. I just need to stop the room from spinning first.
“She’s your best friend, Sawyer. What’s going on between you two?” Daddy questions.
“Nothing,” I answer, my voice barely a whisper.
“Are you all right?” Mama asks. “You don’t look so good.”
And we’re back to square one. Here I thought I was doing such a good job and she was proud of me.
I swallow hard, hoping it will bring the nausea and acid climbing up my throat back down. “I think I’m coming down with something.”
I honest to God feel like I just got run over by a Mack truck.
I must have the flu.
“Well, go on upstairs and get into bed,” Daddy says. “We’ll be up there to check on you in a bit.”
Not a bad idea. “Okay.”
The second I walk out of the living room they start arguing again.
“See what you’ve done!” Daddy booms. “She’s running her body ragged trying to be skinny.”
“She’s healthy now, Dan. Quit telling me how to be a mother. Besides, you’re one to talk. The two of you haven’t spoken in weeks.”
Great. They’re fighting about me.
Of course they are.
My heart beats erratically as I jog up the stairs. I’m so out of it I have to pause mid-way because I’m running out of breath.
Like I just ran a marathon.
The pain in my chest gets worse as I make my way to the bathroom and open the medicine cabinet.
My phone buzzes with an incoming text.
Loki: Here. Where are you?
Shit. I thought I had more time. I’ll have to reschedule.
Jesus, do you even hear yourself? Rescheduling with a drug dealer.
This isn’t you.
Glancing up, I look in the mirror. I hardly even recognize myself.
Maybe they’re right. Maybe I should stop.
Lately it feels like no matter how much weight I lose, it will never be enough and that is a very scary feeling.
I might look better these days, but I definitely don’t feel it…especially right now.
Bracing myself on the bathroom sink, I hit the reply button to tell Loki I won’t make it, but my heart squeezes so severely it feels like there’s a fist wrapped around it.
“Jolene, I swear to God—”
That’s the last thing I hear before the pain becomes unbearable…
And everything goes dark.
Chapter 89
Cole
I fill my lungs with air as I tuck my phone in my pocket.
Not pregnant.
When I told Sawyer I wanted her to have my babies, I meant it.
I just don’t want those babies now. I’d prefer to at least graduate college first since the next four years are going to be the hardest of my life.
The years that will determine whether or not I go pro.
Feeling much better than I did five minutes ago, I head down to the kitchen for a bite to eat.
I’m supposed to be meeting with the head coach from Duke’s Heart later today and I want to make sure my stomach isn’t growling.
I’m rifling through the fridge when I hear a knock on the patio door.
Turning my head, I motion for Oakley to come inside.
For fuck’s sake, I don’t even know why he bothers knocking to begin with. He knows this place is his home.
“What up, man?”
I have no idea what to make of the look he gives me. “You got a second to talk?”
Shit. This can’t be good.
On the bright side, I know he’s not knocked up either.
“Sure. You talk while I make some food.” I pull out some eggs and peppers. “Is this a game of charades and you want me to guess what’s wrong?”
He shakes his head, the expression on his face growing grim.
My stomach knots. Like me, Oakley’s usually in a good mood.
But not right now.
Right
now, he looks like he’s about to have a man-baby breakdown.
I crack a few eggs into a bowl, stir, add some peppers, stir some more, and pour the concoction into the frying pan.
All the while, he doesn’t say a single word.
“Dude. You’re making me nervous. What the fuck is up?”
He rocks back on his heels. “Sawyer…she—”
“Got into a huge fight with Dylan,” I interject. “Bro, I know. But let the girls handle it themselves. If Jace and I aren’t worried about it, you shouldn’t be either.”
“That’s not…” His voice trails off. “I just need you to know I never meant…”
I place the spatula on the counter. “Jesus Christ, Oakley. Spit it out.”
“Sawyer’s been taking Adderall.”
I pick up the spatula again. “The ADHD medication?”
She never mentioned having ADHD before. But the new diagnosis and the new medication would explain why she’s been acting so weird. She’s probably still adjusting.
Still hurts that she didn’t tell me, though.
“To be honest, I’m kind of pissed she told you about it instead of her boyfriend. I guess she was embarrassed because I always tease her about being a nerd when she actually needed help.”
And just like that, I’m back in the shitty boyfriend house.
His eyebrows pinch. “I don’t think you understand.”
“Understand what?”
He grips the back of his neck. “She doesn’t have ADHD and she wasn’t prescribed Adderall by a doctor.” He inhales sharply. “I gave them to her.”
He’s right. I don’t understand.
“Why? How? Why the fuck would you give her—”
“She said she wanted them to help her study…but, fuck, man. She has a problem. A big one.”
No, he’s about to have a problem.
It all hits me in one big rush. I don’t know much about this shit, but I do know college kids take it to help them study.
I also can’t help but wonder. “These pills…do they make people lose weight?”
“It’s an amphetamine, so yeah…they do.”
“Amphetamine…you mean—”