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These men were going to be everything that we needed for as long as we all had breath in our lungs and beats in our hearts.
Tears started to leak from my eyes and nine faces switched from happy to worried almost immediately.
“It’s okay,” Donnie said to his brothers. “Her aura is happy. They are tears of joy.”
Ten hands found my arms, my hands, my legs, my ankles. Ten men showed me that that they with me in joy and sorrow, and as I lay between them again, with the future of our family in my arms I finally felt complete.
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Excerpt
1
White Lace and Emptiness
It’s a big day for Kerry. A new beginning. A wedding day that two years ago we never imagined she would be preparing for. Life is funny like that. Even after experiencing terrible things, love can sneak up on you and make you whole again. At least, that’s what Kerry told me last night as we shared some champagne and I helped her resist the urge to break tradition and seek out her husband-to-be the night before the wedding. Did I believe her? It was hard not to. Life had knocked her down hard, but it had sent her Dean to raise her up again.
My sister emerges from the bathroom, make-up done to perfection, wearing just the underwear she’d spent hours picking out in Macy’s. She looks amazing.
“Wow,” I say, shaking my head.
“Not bad for an old girl.” She spins around laughing and for a second she morphs into teenage Kerry, wild and carefree. I want to join her so badly but I’m coiled too tightly; too used to holding myself back so I don’t embarrass anybody, most of all myself.
“Thirty is hardly old. You want me to help you into your dress?”
She shakes her head. “I’ll be okay.”
I nod once and walk over to the wardrobe to undo the dress carrier. The zip slips down as smoothly as a knife through soft butter and I peel back the course black fabric to reveal the soft tulle beneath.
“It’s so beautiful,” I say, slipping it from the hanger and taking it to my sister.
“It was the first one I saw. I wanted it to be completely different from the last one.” For a moment her face seems to freeze. It’s natural, I suppose, that she’d think of her first wedding at this moment. Most of us hope that we won’t be repeating that day in our lifetimes, but when you’re made a widow in your twenties it’s kind of inevitable.
“It’s okay to think about it,” I tell her. “It’s okay to feel a little wistful for that day too. Just because you’ve met someone new, doesn’t mean it has to wipe away the past.”
Kerry smiles at me. “I feel as happy today as I felt the first time. That’s good, isn’t it?”
I give her arm a squeeze. “Of course it is.”
She smiles brusquely, as though she’s swallowing back the memories to focus on the present day.
I head back over to the closet and take my dress down. It’s a pretty silk tea dress that we chose together on one of our many shopping trips. I slide off my robe and pull it on, enjoying the soft slip of it against my skin. It takes time to fasten all the little buttons but it’s worth it for the effect. By the time I’m done, Kerry is ready too.
“Will you help me with my shoes?” she asks.
“Sure.” I kneel at her feet and slip on her white satin shoes, fastening the buckle at each side. I smile up at her when I’m done. She looks like an angel in her ethereal dress with the Caribbean sun streaming through the window behind her.
“You’ll find someone too, you know,” Kerry says softly.
I shake my head because I don’t want to go there. Not now when my face is made up and I have my carefully crafted smile fixed in place.
“Brad was a douchebag. Nobody liked him, sweetie. You deserve so much more.”
“I know,” I say, standing quickly and fussing with my dress to cover up my discomfort. Although it’s been months since I left him, it still feels raw. There’s still a big hole in my heart where he carved out his space until I didn’t know left from right or up from down. “Come on,” I say. “Dean will be waiting.”
Kerry’s eyes are bright as we gather our final things together. She takes hold of my hand as we make our way from her honeymoon suite to the outdoor venue where the guests have congregated. Our father left when we were young, and although mom loves the limelight, Kerry had insisted that it be me to give her away. That wasn’t received well by mom but Kerry has always been braver about standing up to her than I have.
“You know that the O’Connell twins arrived last night,” Kerry says.
“Oh, thank goodness,” I say squeezing her hand. Dean’s two best friends, Callum and Liam, who were flying in from Dubai had their flights canceled and were looking at alternative routes to make it in time. “Dean must be so happy.”
“He is. It wouldn’t have been the same for him if they weren’t here to stand with him.”
“It’s a little unorthodox having two best men,” I say.
“Well, they’ve all been friends since college,” Kerry says. “Plus they’re identical twins so they’re used to doing things together!”
As we get closer she squeezes my hand tightly and pulls me to a stop. Her eyes are bright when she puts her hands on my cheeks. “Promise me that you’ll make the most of your time here,” she says. “You’ve been hiding away for so long. It’s time to come out of your shell again, sweetie. Don’t let opportunities pass you by anymore.”
I blink, trying not to get emotional. Before we came here she’d sent me a notebook with the words ‘Don’t ever let anyone steal your sparkle’ on the cover in silver glittery cursive. I carry it everywhere with me as a reminder. Funny, because I don’t feel like my sparkle has returned yet so there’s going to be no ‘giving it away’ in the foreseeable future. “I will,” I tell her but she shakes her head.
“I don’t believe you when you say it in that reluctant way of yours. Brad is gone. The only person holding you back now is you. And ignore mom, okay? She’s been like herself but on speed since we got here…you know she’s gonna say some stuff that’s gonna be insensitive because that’s just what she does.”
She smiles at me and kisses me on my right cheek and I pull her into the tightest hug possible without creasing both of our dresses.
“I love you, Sis.”
“I know, sweetie. I love you too.”
We draw apart and I smile with genuine feeling this time. “Come on. Let’s go make an honest woman out of you.”
“Funny,” Kerry says, but she’s so ready to get to Dean that we are practically skipping towards the sea.
Kerry and Dean have chosen to get married outside on a grassy spot looking out over the ocean. A small group of friends and family sit awaiting our arrival. A single musician plays a soft melody. At the front, Dean faces the other away, but as the congregation stands he turns to see his bride.
I know I shouldn’t feel jealous of my sister. She’s an amazing woman who has been through so much and deserves all the love that this man has pouring from his eyes. But I am envious. No one has ever looked at me the way he looks at her, and I want it. I want it so badly that it’s physically painful; a clenching in my gut and heart that makes me want to fold in two and crumple to the ground. I don’t, though. I pull myself as straight as I can, head held high, and I walk my big sister to where her knight in white linen is waiting for her. All eyes are on us, and I look to find Dean’s best men, who until now have just been the stuff of intriguing stories.
Two broad backs in crisp white shirts, dark hair cropped short at the nape and a little longer on the top. They turn and I’m hit by four intense gray eyes that are made even more spectacular because they are framed by thick dark lashes. I see them taking in Kerry first, smiling broadly. Then both their gazes move to me and I’m mesmerized. If I wasn’t currently holding on to Kerry’s arm and being propelled along
by her eagerness to join her husband-to-be, I’d probably have been fixed to the spot. I blow out my breath because the fluttery feeling in my tummy isn’t something I’m used to. I don’t remember the last time I was hit with such a wave of attraction. It’s like a lightning bolt or a tidal wave. I blink slowly and watch as their smiles widen. I should smile back. I know I should but my face isn’t cooperating. I’m sure I look like a frightened deer and that is not a good look for a maid of honor.
Maid. I wince at the thought. Kerry is about to say vows for the second time and I still haven’t achieved my first. I feel my sister squeeze my arm and I catch her looking at me and smiling. I beam back because she looks so full of hope and joy and it’s at least partly contagious.
At the front, she pauses so that I can take her bouquet and then Dean is there, reaching for her hand, cradling it like it’s a precious and fragile bird. I stand next to Kerry to witness her commit her life to Dean. Liam and Callum stand next to Dean to do the same.
The officiant makes quick work of the ceremony. One of the twins hands over the rings at the appropriate time and my mind drifts, taking in the turquoise sea that spreads in front of us like a glittering carpet. I can’t imagine a more perfect place to get married.
It’s over so quickly I almost don’t realize until the crowd begins to clap and I turn to find Kerry and Dean engaging in a very loving ‘first kiss’. Behind them, Callum and Liam are smiling at the happy couple, then they both look up and grin at me. Two sets of amazing white teeth almost blind me. It’s like looking into the sun and I blink slowly, feeling totally weak in the knees.
Kerry and Dean turn to the crowd and everyone begins to cheer. Before they make their way down the grassy path between the white chairs, she turns to reclaim her bouquet. It’s then that I realize I am going to have to walk behind her, flanked by two intimidatingly good-looking best men. I don’t get a chance to think about how I might avoid it. Twin one is there, taking my left hand and slipping it through his arm. I look down at where our bodies are now touching. Then, before I have a chance to respond, twin two is at my right doing the same thing. The soloist increases the tempo of the music and we all parade back down the aisle.
I know my cheeks are on fire. I can feel the blood tingling at the surface. It’s so ridiculous to be embarrassed simply because I’m innocently touching two of Dean’s best friends, but I can’t help it. I don’t know these men and they are unnervingly good-looking and confident in a way that makes me feel small and pathetic.
“You’re Bethany,” one of them says gently as we make our way towards the place the photographer has set up for the formal photographs. I nod because my tongue is also a traitor. “I’m Liam,” he says. “That’s Callum.” He nods towards his brother and I glance over and nod too. God, this is awful. I’m cringing and embarrassed and I just want this part to be over so that I can go and hide at the wedding reception and busy myself with the buffet and a triple gin and tonic. I know it’s not classy to get drunk at your sister’s wedding but somehow it seems like the only way I might get through this day in one piece.
“I’ll bet Dean is glad you made it in time,” I say when I manage to make conversation.
“Yeah,” Callum says. “We nearly didn’t. It was almost like something was working against us.”
“We were worried about getting on a plane by the time we found a route to get here. So much had gone wrong. It almost felt like a sign.”
“But you’re here in one piece,” I say.
“Two pieces.” Callum sniggers and I blush again. I’m going to need to start introducing myself as beetroot-head before long.
“I think Bethany probably noticed that about us already,” Liam says in an almost scolding voice.
“You’ll have to excuse me if I get you confused,” I say.
“You won’t be the first,” Callum says.
“Or the last,” Liam adds.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Callum leans in closer as though he intends to whisper something directly into my ear, and I get a nose full of a delicious-smelling cologne rising off warm skin. I nod because I’m feeling dazed. “Liam has a little scar on his forehead. That’s how you can tell us apart.”
Liam leans in close to catch the end of Callum’s confession and sniggers. “There are other ways to tell us apart,” he murmurs, “but we’d have to take our clothes off for that.”
A shiver runs up my spine as I turn and am caught in his gaze. I don’t know what to say. Dark and dirty thoughts flash through my mind of two gorgeous men standing naked before me. What differences might they have? Scars? Birthmarks? Maybe something naughtier. My cheeks feel warm and Liam leans in even closer. “I think you know what I mean.”
I inhale deeply; a shuddering breath that is part nervous and part aroused. I mean, how could I not be? They smell so good and their voices are low with a slight husky edge that is just dripping with sex.
It’s been such a long time since I thought about sex. Feeling worthless and down kills any kind of desire. I wasn’t expecting to be feeling like this now at my sister’s wedding, and certainly not about two men. I seriously must be losing my mind. Maybe it’s the sun. I was at the beach for a long time yesterday. It could be sunstroke.
“Are you okay?” Callum asks.
I nod and Liam chuckles. “I think she’s blown a fuse!”
I look between them and snap myself back into reality. I’m here for Kerry. She needs me to keep my mind on the job. Maid of Honor extraordinaire. “We need to go over there for the photos," I say, and walk away, leaving them behind me.
2
Cocktails and Games
The photo shoot is painful, not because I’m conscious of having my picture taken but because it’s hot, and when I’m not required, I don’t know where to put myself. Callum and Liam are standing on the opposite side of the photographer, so I end up catching eyes with one or both of them way too much. Every time it’s like the slide of warm hot chocolate to my insides. Every time they grin at me with wickedness dripping from their mouths, I exhale a shuddery breath. This isn’t normal. I’ve met twins before and they’ve never been like these ones. There’s a synchronicity about them, as though they think with one mind, and move with one body. Their eyes always find me at the same time and they’re not conferring.
When the photographer has completed all the required shots, I grab my mom’s arm and practically sprint her up the path to the reception. Callum and Liam are walking not far behind and when they laugh at something Dean says, the deep rumble hits me straight between the legs.
God, I need a drink and some cool water on my wrists. And someone to put some sense into my head. That would usually be Kerry, but somehow I don’t think now is the time for me to admit that I’m thinking naughty thoughts about the twin best men. She’s got her own man to be thinking about and a whole party of guests to socialize with. I’m gonna need to do some of that socializing too, especially with the relatives who have turned up from far and wide.
I hit the bar, ordering mom a mimosa and myself a double gin and tonic, then we circulate to mingle with the guests. It’s amazing to see the family that we haven’t been in contact with for a while. Time slips past and before you know it cousins are married with kids that you’ve never even met. There’s so much warmth that my heart melts a little. Family is everything. It’s easy to take them for granted, especially when you’re wrapped up in your own troubles and dramas. For the first time in a long time, I feel as though my vision has cleared and the world looks different, maybe because I’m different. It’s impossible not to be shaped by your past. Bad experiences hurt parts of you that might never fully recover. They place doubts where you had none and insecurities where you were previously confident. They chip holes in your beliefs about who you are and what you are worth. People keep telling me that it’s a slow process to overcome the emotional damage. I don’t know if I’ll ever shake off the scars Brad left behind. It’s scary to think about ever letting myself tru
st someone again. I know I’m not ready to open my heart. There are still too many shattered pieces to glue together.
We all eat from the gorgeous buffet that the attentive wait staff set out on a long linen-covered table. Then, when the plates are cleared, it’s time for dancing. Dean and Kerry both have a fascination with 80s pop music and have obviously asked the DJ to focus on that because they’re up and grooving in a flash. No serious first dance, just lots of exaggerated retro moves that have us all in stitches. Most of the guests are up to join them by the end of the first song. I’m sitting at a table, nursing another gin and tonic and watching all the fun, when two large shadows loom over me.
“You wanna dance?” I gaze up to try and work out who said it. There’s the little scar so it must be Liam.
I shake my head.
“You don’t dance?” Callum takes hold of the chair next to me and turns it so it faces the dance floor, and drops himself onto it. Liam does the same on my left.
“I don’t dance,” I say, shaking my head again, just so they’re clear.
“Everybody dances.” They both slip down in their seats as if they’re settling in for a while; long legs stretch out in front, hands rest on strong-looking thighs.
“I mean, look at that guy…” I follow the line of Liam’s gaze to where my cousin Dylan is trying to bust a move, belly jiggling in time to the cheesy tune, and I can’t help laughing.
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” I say firmly. “Dylan is a perfect example of why not everyone should be seen trying to move their bodies in time to music…or not in time in his case.”
Callum snorts and shakes his head, turning to look at me. “Now, I agree that, like the case in front of us, some people are definitely on the lower end of the dancing spectrum, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t do it. Everyone should do it. It’s fun even if you're uncoordinated.” He turns to face me. “Are you uncoordinated, Bethany?”