“But you—you’re different. Jeremy earned my trust over a five-year relationship. There may have been signs I missed, I don’t know—” I tilted my head to look up at Thresh. “I want to trust you. I like you. You scare me, but I also know I’m safe with you. And we have chemistry, Thresh. We really do. And I—I like that. You make me feel like the old me. The Lola who had no inhibitions, who wasn’t afraid. Who was…brave, fierce, sexy. You make me want to find that girl again. Be her again.”
He cupped my face with his huge, hard, rough yet gentle hand. “I wish it was as easy as me saying you can trust me, but I know it’s not. You can, though, you know. What that evil little fucker did, if I ever got my hands on him…” The threat in that ellipsis was enough to send a shiver down my spine.
And he could find Jeremy, which was the really scary part. The people he worked with, they could find Jeremy in a split second. I tried not to think about whether I wanted that or not. I doubted Jeremy would survive the experience, for one thing, and I wasn’t sure I would be all that upset. What he’d done, it was a kind of rape, wasn’t it? I would never, ever compare what I’d gone through to what an actual rape victim goes through, because they weren’t in any way the same, but…it was still a violation.
“What I’m saying, Thresh, is that I do trust you. It’s just scary. Part of me doesn’t want to trust you. But I do.”
“I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
I shook my head. “You can’t say never, Thresh.” I looked up and met his pale blue gaze. “That’s part of my hang-up, with you. You’re not staying in Miami. You’ll move on. That’s who you are. I don’t expect anything but that.”
“Don’t put expectations on me, Lola. You don’t know what’s possible. My boss, Harris, he just got married. His wife is on the team, even goes on some jobs with us. And before her? He was as married to the job and the single life as any of us. Anything is possible, okay? That’s all I’m saying. Just because I’ve never settled down, just because I bounce around all the time now, doesn’t mean that’s how it always has to be.”
I blinked at him. “What are you saying, Thresh?”
He groaned, wiped his face with his hand. “I don’t know. I don’t know, Lola. Just that… Whatever this is between us, it’s not casual to me. I’ve never had anything but casual, so I for sure don’t know what serious looks like, and I wouldn’t know what I’m doing, but…” He paused, thought for a few seconds. “I’m saying I would like to think there’s something real between us. That’s what they say, right? In the books and movies—that we have something real? That I’d like to try? We could figure something out.”
“Thresh.” I stood up, paced to the edge of the clearing, faced away from him. “I don’t—I don’t know what to say.”
“Me either.”
“Sounds like you’re saying plenty.”
“Yeah, well, doesn’t mean I know what I’m talking about. I’m sort of shooting from the hip, here. I like you. I respect you. I’m fucking insanely attracted to you. I feel like—like with you, I could really be…totally me. What you said about always holding back? That’s how I’ve felt my whole life, with everyone I’ve ever been with. Holding back. Didn’t want to hurt them or scare them. And the full force that is everything I am? Chicks think they can dig it, think they can handle it, but they can’t.” He was behind me. “I feel like you could. You could handle me, all of me, all of who I am, and you wouldn’t be scared of me.”
I could barely find my voice. “I feel the same way.”
His hand slid across my stomach, and he pulled me backward, so I was flush up against his front. “So why wouldn’t we see if…if there could be an us?” His lips touched my ear. “Because Lola, baby, I think we could have something amazing.”
I couldn’t help a little laugh. “I’m honestly not sure the world is ready for what would happen if we got together for real. Global temperatures might rise a few degrees.”
“We’d cause tectonic shifts, maybe.” There was humor in his voice, but also heat.
I spun in place, and his chest was there, his heartbeat thundering against my cheek. His hand was on my back, low, at the base of my spine and daring lower. I pressed against him, loving far too powerfully the way my breasts felt crushed against his chest, the way his hand felt on my body, slipping daring fingers under the hem of my shirt to find bare skin.
I loved it.
And I knew I wanted more.
I wanted to see all of him. Feel him above me.
I tried to picture it, feel it, Thresh’s massive body above me, moving, thrusting—
Panic seized me.
I buried my face against his chest and focused on breathing, the way my therapist taught me.
“Lola?” Thresh, unfortunately, didn’t miss my reaction. “What’s wrong?”
He tugged me back to the chair, sat down and hauled me onto his lap, snugged me against him, and fuck fuck fuck—he felt like home, and it scared the everloving shit out of me.
“I picked up this guy at a bar, like three months after Jeremy uploaded the video. The guy—I don’t even remember his name—he had no idea, I made sure. We were both half-drunk, but sober enough that I knew what I was doing. I let him take me home, to his place. We made out, and I was fine. He started groping, I was fine. It felt good. He was good with his hands, I remember that. Decent kisser, too. He got me out of my shirt, even got me riled up with his fingers. Then it got serious, and his clothes came off, and so did mine, and he grabbed a condom, and—” I breathed deep, let it out slowly through my mouth. “That was as far as we got. I freaked out. Like, total meltdown. It hit me out of fucking nowhere. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t think. It was—it was so fucking weird, and terrifying. I felt—I felt like people were watching me. Like there was a camera live streaming the whole thing.
“I knew, intellectually, that it wasn’t true. But knowing something mentally doesn’t help when you’re wigging the fuck out. The poor guy, he had no clue what to do. He thought it was him, and it wasn’t, it really wasn’t. As soon as he noticed I was having an issue, he stopped and was trying to help, but I just—I barely made it home. The guy was so nice, got me into my clothes and got me a cab, actually rode in it with me all the way home and made sure I got there okay. I wish I could thank that guy, because he was a real gentleman. Never said anything negative. There are good people out there. I know that. But the second he was on top of me, I just—I freaked. I didn’t really get a handle on myself until like twenty-four hours later. I had to call in to work and baby myself all the next day.”
“Jesus. No wonder you stopped having sex.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I didn’t stop wanting it, though. Like, alone, I’d feel the thoughts, the desire, the urge, the need, and the frustration. So I’d try to take care of things myself, and I just—again, even alone, in my own apartment, touching myself, I felt like someone was watching me. Like I wasn’t alone. Like Jeremy would pop out from somewhere with that fucking camera. I just couldn’t. I tried so many times, and I’d get so angry, so frustrated, because I knew there was no reason for it, no one was there, no one was watching, but I couldn’t shake the feeling.
“I even tried sex again. This time with this hot kid doing his residency. Super sexy, super sweet, had a serious crush on me. I let him take me out. More than once, because it wasn’t some random at the bar—which, by the way, I’ve never done, before that guy or since. So I let Mike, the hot doctor, take me out a few times, took him back to my place, and again, all through foreplay I was fine. Maybe because Jeremy didn’t usually tape that part? I don’t know. BJs and when he went down on me, sometimes. Not all the time. But rarely foreplay, usually just the actual sex. So Mike and I were hot and heavy, and it was great. He was super sexy and so sweet and had these super talented surgeon hands. He was planning on being a surgeon, once he was done with his residency, so he had these hands—” I halted my monologue. “Not too much, is it?”
“It’s fine.” Thresh’s expression and words didn’t jibe.
I frowned at him. “Thresh.”
He huffed. “Getting a little detailed, maybe, but tell your story your way and don’t worry about me. It’s all past, yeah?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It’s all past. So anyway, Mike and I got through the foreplay just fine. And when it came time to get down to real business, I made sure I was on top. I love it like that, or I used to. I thought maybe if I was in more control, I’d—maybe I wouldn’t panic.”
Thresh made a rumbling sound. “No dice?”
I shook my head. “No dice.” I hated the memory of Mike’s face when I’d freaked out, rolled off him, huddled in the corner of my room hyperventilating. He’d assumed what someone would logically assume, in that situation. “Poor Mike. He was so clueless.”
“Bet that made work awkward.”
I laughed. “Yeah, just a little.” I tried to sort through the whirlwind of my thoughts and feelings. “I sometimes wonder if maybe part of the issue with the first guy and with Mike was that I wasn’t really invested, you know? Like, by the time Jeremy and I had sex, I was pretty much totally in love with him already. It…it meant something to me, you know? Maybe you don’t. I don’t say that to insult you, I swear, but if all you’ve ever had is casual sex, it might be difficult for you to understand how different casual sex is from when it means something. So I just wonder if I was emotionally invested, if it might be easier. If I might be able to work through it. I think I’d still panic, but I might be able to work through it.”
“I get what you mean.” His voice was quiet, as soft and gentle as I’d ever heard it. “There was someone, once. After I’d finished Basic, I had like ten days or so of leave time before I had to report to Camp Lejeune for SOI. I had nowhere to be, no one to visit, nothing to do. So I just sort of kicked it around Charleston by myself. Hooked up with this chick I met, god, I don’t even remember how. Bar? Beach? Doesn’t really matter. She was such a cool chick. Fine as hell, fun to talk to, easy to be around. Marie. It was only ten days, but it felt like a lifetime.
“I met her the first day I hit Charleston, and we never separated that entire week and a half. I’d told her right off I had to report and when, so she knew. Made it all the more intense. We were together every single second, and it was…fucking incredible. We never talked emotions, because we both knew it had an expiration date, but they were there. I’ve never been good with emotions, so mine sort of freaked me out, and I’d cover it by going in after her, you know? Cover what I was feeling inside with feeling good outside, so I could push it away a bit longer. She was doing the same thing, I think.” He was quiet for a moment. “I’ve always thought, deep down, when I’m feeling introspective—usually after a close call, like when something happens on a job that makes me remember my own mortality—I think about Marie and that maybe I could have fallen in love with her. Or that maybe I did, a little. Point is, sex with Marie did mean something. It wasn’t just casual fucking. We didn’t, like, use words to say as much, but we both knew, you know?”
I nodded. “So you know what I mean.”
“Sure as hell.”
I twisted to look up at him. “Do you think—do you think it would make a difference to us? To be invested?”
He let out a long slow breath, and didn’t answer right away. I liked that about Thresh, how he always considered his words before answering. “Maybe. If the person you’re with understands where you’re coming from and sort of expects it, I think it might definitely make a difference, because he could listen and do what you need to help you through it.”
I rubbed my palm against his chest. “You know exactly what I’m saying, so quit mincing words.”
“I’m trying not to assume anything.”
“Which is sweet of you, but I think we’re past that.”
“We’ve barely known each other for what, three days? Four?”
I tipped my head to glare up at him. “What’s your point? Seems to me like you’re working against yourself, here, buddy.”
“Just playing devil’s advocate. For your sake. Would you be emotionally invested, if you and I had sex?”
I kept my eyes on his, but my glare morphed into something else—something hotter, something darker, something intense. “Would you?”
“Sure as hell, Doc.” He touched my chin with a fingertip. “If I wasn’t invested, I wouldn’t have gone back for you. Wouldn’t have taken out those guys. Wouldn’t be way out here, in the ass-end of nowhere, getting eaten alive by fucking mosquitos. Yes, Lola, I’m invested. Not sure where that’s supposed to go, or how I’m supposed to handle it or anything, but shit, yes, I’m invested.”
“Even though, like you said, it’s only been a few days?”
“I don’t claim to know much about this shit, Lola. But I don’t think we really get to choose who our emotions latch on to or how fast.”
“Who our hearts latch on to, you mean.”
“Yeah. That. For reasons I don’t really understand, you mean something to me. The thought of anything happening to you makes me see red. Makes me feel all panicky, and Doc, I don’t do panic. In my line of work, panic gets you killed.
“But you get these feelings all worked up inside me, and fuck if I know what to do with them. I didn’t even really know what it meant, but your dad very helpfully pointed out that it, in his words, rhymes with dove and that I’m scared of it.”
“Are you?”
“What?”
“Scared.”
He nodded slowly. “Yes ma’am. I sure as hell am. Because I’ve got no out, this time. Last time I felt anything this strong for a woman, I was a kid only a handful of years out of my teens, and I had an out, something I couldn’t and wouldn’t get out of. I had no choice but to walk.”
He buried his fingers in my hair. “Babe, I ain’t young anymore. I’m not old, not by a long shot, but I’m not a kid anymore either. Which makes the potency of this all the more frightening. Because, yeah, we just met, and how can I feel this much for someone I barely know? But I do know you, don’t I? I mean, there’s a lifetime of little shit to learn about each other, but I do think you can know a person, the important stuff, very quickly.”
“So you’re going into this with your eyes wide open?”
“Very much so. No less scary, but yeah.”
“And if we start having sex, and I freak out…”
“I’d stop if you needed to stop, I’d hold you if you needed to be held. I wouldn’t let you run, and when you were ready to try again, we’d start slow, and get you through if, if that was what you wanted.”
“And if I said I wanted to keep things at the level they were this afternoon?” I didn’t, but I wanted to know what he’d say.
“I’m not sure I buy that, but if that’s what you wanted, I’d find a way to hold off.”
“It would mean a lot of blowjobs.”
He grinned and shook his head. “Babe, make no mistake, here. You are officially invited to give me as many blowjobs as you want. The more, the better. I’ll never ever get tired of the way you made me feel earlier.”
“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” I said.
“But a blowjob is no replacement for the things I want to do with you. The way I want to feel you. You tell me, ‘Thresh, all I wanna do right now is suck you off,’ I’ll sit back and let you go to town, and when you’re done, I’ll kneel between your sweet caramel thighs and make you scream a thousand times. But it’ll never be the same as how I can only imagine it’ll feel to sink inside you, to feel you wrap your legs around my waist and scream my name as you come apart in my arms.” He whispered in my ear, then, hot dirty secret whispers. “I want to bend you over and fuck you from behind, feel that fucking phenomenal ass of yours slap against me. I want you on all fours, taking me like the animals we are. I want you to ride me and I want to make love to you sweet and slow and gentle, and I want to fuck you rough and hard.”
“Oh…” Well fuck me…tha
t sounded amazing.
That sounded like my kind of heaven, truth be told.
“And babe, no amount of getting my cock sucked will ever come close to how that’ll feel.” He tipped my face up to his, and his next words, murmured against my lips, were what pushed me past any possible objections. “Because Lola, connecting with you, giving you a part of me I wasn’t sure even existed, much less ever gave anyone else…that, sweetheart, is gonna mean something.”
I palmed his stubble-rough cheek. “Then kiss me like it means something—”
As his mouth lowered to mine, I whispered the deepest truth.
“—And this time, Thresh…don’t stop.”
11: NOT FIGHTING IT ANYMORE
When she said that, I was done. Stick a fork in me, done. Shit, I was done way before that. Not sure exactly when, but at some point I’d come to realize that I wasn’t getting out of this situation with Lola Reed with my heart intact.
Then, she said that: “And this time, Thresh…don’t stop.”
The moment my mouth met hers, I knew I couldn’t stop. Wouldn’t. Had no capacity to.
But yet, for all her strength, physical and emotional, she was still fragile. She was giving me something special, by trusting me. I had to honor that. I’d never made it with a virgin, but I felt like this was sort of like that—in that same sphere. If I messed this up, pushed her too fast or too hard, said or did the wrong thing…I felt like I had the capacity to destroy her beyond all repair. I felt the weight of that responsibility, and it was a beautiful and precious burden. She had a core of steel, the strength that had helped her go on when her mom was dying and her dad was too fucked up to be there, the strength that had pushed her past the insane fucked-up disaster her cuntbag of an ex had put her through.
God, the bastard who had done this to her…I could flay the fucker. If I got my hands on him, I would, probably.
I knew for a fact, sure as I was breathing, I was gonna sic the boys on him. Lear would ping him, Anselm would track him down, and I’d—well, honestly, the guys knew me well enough that they’d never let me near him. That pussy little shit would pay, as sure as the sun rose in the east and set in the west; that was all that mattered.