by t. h. snyder
Seeing Chloe after all of these months has my heart racing and my mind spinning with the memories of how we used to be happy. I can shut my eyes and play back every moment we’ve spent together. I’m so in love with this girl that I rightfully deserve to have my man card revoked.
If only it were that easy. For the past four months I walked around in a fog trying to figure out how I would move on with my life after losing Chloe. I see how happy Charlie and Riley were every day I was with them and it ripped my heart apart. I don’t mean to be a dick or anything, but there’s only so much hugging and kissing a guy can take when he’s not the one getting the action.
There have been a few times that Emma and I were over at their house for dinner or a movie or just to hang out and we cut the night short because of their public displays of affection. I really am happy for my two best friends, but when you are depressed and missing the one you love that kind of scene is not where you want to be for too long.
I take another look over in Chloe’s direction and she is sitting between her parents with her head resting on Bryce’s shoulder. Her mom has her hand wrapped around Chloe’s arm and is running her nails up and down it for comfort I’m sure. I can’t help but watch her from the short distance we are sitting apart. So much as happened today, yet my mind is focused on her. I have this unnerving need to pick her up and sit her on my lap. I want to be the one to soothe her worries, to make her feel better and to tell her it will all be okay. A few times we’ve made eye contact and just as quickly as our eyes meet, they drifted back apart. I wish I knew what was on her mind when she looks at me.
I think it’s great that she jumped on a plane and came out here to be with our families. Of course she did, Char is her sister, but I wonder what she had to leave behind to be here. Her career is one of the most important things in her life. So important she chose that over our relationship. I still dwell on the memories of that day. There’s a pain from that day that I don’t think will ever go away.
I never thought I’d have to say goodbye to the love of my life and I sure as hell don’t want to do it again. How long will Chloe be here in Boston? I wonder if she’s able to stay here for a day, two days a week maybe. When does she have to be back out in LA? I know how busy life was out there for her and I’m sure things have only gotten more intense with her new position.
She’s been traveling the past few days with March Madness and from the looks of ESPN Live they’ve already replaced her position. I hate not knowing what she’s doing and watching from a far. It kills me that there’s this awkwardness between us. We’ve been friends most of our lives but the best years together with her have been those that we were a couple. I keep fighting the need to get up and touch her, but now isn’t the time or place.
I wonder if she found someone else. Maybe there’s someone in LA that makes her feel things I couldn’t because we lived too far apart. I don’t even think I want to know if she did. It would seriously crush me to know if she was seeing someone else. Great now I feel like a hypocrite. Just a few days ago I had another girls tongue down my throat and now I’m sitting here getting pissed off thinking Chloe could have been doing the same thing with some guy.
I let out a groan of frustration and mom puts her hand on my back. I look up from staring at the floor and see a nurse walk past the visiting room. As if this day isn’t any less aggravating, I can’t help but wish we knew more about Charlie. It’s been a few hours since she’s gotten out of surgery, but we can’t go up and see her yet. Tony and Chris went in to sit with Riley for a bit which is good. He needs to get himself better so he can get out of that bed and up to see Charlie. I’m seriously going to beat the shit out of both of them for making us all sit here and worry like this.
My pocket starts to vibrate and I pull my phone out of my pocket. I read the text message I just got and a smile crosses my face. Fucking Emma and Pete are playing text message tag with me.
Emma – Let’s go for a walk and grab some coffee….oh yeah and bring that cute brunette before Pete snags her ;)
After reading the message Emma and Pete walk over to me. I quickly tell mom that we’re going down for some coffee and to call me if the doctors come back out here about Charlie.
I know what I need to do and I want to talk to her so bad. It’s now or never and I can thank Emma and Pete for the push I’ve needed all day.
Walking across the visiting room I stop in front of Chloe. She looks up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and I ask her to come with us for a walk and coffee. Thank god she says yes and I pull her hand in mine.
And just like that the warmth she always brought when we were together spreads from my fingers to my hands and up my arm.
Derrick lets go of my hand to grab both cups of coffee and walks over to the registers. I quickly pull out a twenty from my back pocket and hand it to the cashier. He gives me a handsome scowl and I just shrug my shoulders and give him a wink. I think it’s a step in the right direction that we can still be so playful with one another after so many months apart.
Walking around the cafeteria to find a seat, I follow closely behind him. I watch as his body takes each step and I feel a sensation take over my body that I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s a feeling of longing. Seeing and being near him is bringing back so many emotions that I don’t know what to do with. We need to talk, I should really tell him about the interview with the Red Sox on Monday, but I don’t know where to start and how it will end. Will things be okay? Can we make this work? Will he even want to make it work?
We choose to sit down at a table by the window and I quickly grab the cup of coffee so that I have something to keep my hands busy. Playing with the cup I slide it back in forth between my hands waiting for it to cool down. My nerves are completely shot at this point and I don’t know where to look or even what to say.
I take a sip of the steamy beverage and burn my lip.
“Ouch, shit that’s hot!”
“Yeah I usually prefer my coffee hot. Don’t you?” He says with a laugh.
“Yes smart ass I do. I just thought if I…you know what never mind.” I say with a pout.
The moment turns into a minute of silence and then two minutes and before I know it ten minutes of awkward silence passes by and my coffee cup is empty.
“Ugh! Derrick, why does this feel so weird?” I ask motioning to the distance between us.
“It does doesn’t it? Look I’m sorry for not calling you the past few months.”
“Is there a reason you didn’t call?” I ask staring out the window.
I don’t know if I can make eye contact right now with him. As much as I wanted to call him so many times, I didn’t.
“To tell you the truth, I don’t know why I didn’t call. At times I was pissed as hell with you and didn’t think I could hear your voice, but then other times I just wanted to hear you so that I knew you weren’t really gone.”
I finally take my eyes off the view out the window and look at him. He really is the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. Even though his blue eyes look tired and worn out, they still shine when he’s looking at me. We can communicate so well with one another just by looking into the other’s eyes.
“You know it’s killed me every day not talking to you, regardless if I wanted to or not. I wake up thinking about you and how your day may go. I go to bed thinking about you and wonder if you would talk to me about how your day actually turned out. All day everyday I’m consumed thinking about you…thinking about us.”
His words mean so much to me. He has no idea how much. I try to speak, but he asks me to wait.
“Chloe I know we said the distance was too much for us to handle this relationship, but to be honest I’d rather live thousands of miles away from you than not with you at all.”
The smile on my face is so big that I’m afraid my face will split in two.
“Oh Derrick I feel the same way and I’ve missed you so much. I tried to forget about the pain of us being apart, to d
o things to help keep my mind from you, but nothing worked.
I don’t know how to approach the topic of what I was really doing while we were apart, but I figure now isn’t the time to bring up that kind of a conversation.
Derrick grabs the legs of my chair and pulls me closer to him.
“I need to touch you Chloe, it’s been too long.”
He’s so close to me that I can feel his hot breathe on my face. I want so badly to close this space and feel those lips against mine. There’s so much for us to talk about so many things that will change. But right now I just want to be close to him.
Grabbing my hands in his he brings them to his lips and peppers kisses along my knuckles and finger tips. My entire body is paralyzed with passion for this man and in that moment I swear to never let anything pull us apart again. I have to tell him…he needs to know.
Seeing Chloe today took my breath away. Nothing about her has changed. She is still as beautiful as the day I left her in LA. Her long dark hair still smells of her sweet mango shampoo and her gorgeous big, brown eyes still twinkle every time she smiles.
Sitting here with her and having her close to me is almost like a dream. For a brief moment I almost forgot why we were even here at Massachusetts General.
I need to touch her.
I need to make sure I’m not dreaming.
I need to know she isn’t going to get up and walk away from me.
Pulling her chair closer to me I tell her that I need to touch her and I take her hands in mine. I look deep into her eyes and in that moment I felt it. Our souls found each other again and I know everything will be okay.
“Derrick I have to tell you something.” She says.
I can only imagine. If it’s the regret I know I have to talk to her about, I really don’t want to hear about it. This moment is too perfect to spoil with the mistakes we’ve made while we were apart.
“Chloe it’s not important, please I don’t want to ruin this moment with you. I’ve been waiting for too long to be this close to you.”
“But that’s just it Derrick. You may never have to wait again.”
As much as I want her to not talk, I’m intrigued with what she has to say. Maybe I was completely off and she isn’t going to tell me about stuff from LA. I have to hear her out, so I nod and shut my mouth.
“Well since you left LA I pretty much drowned myself in work. I was lucky that my bosses Tom and Traci gave me the opportunity to work on the field for Super Bowl. Derrick it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. In fact I liked it so much they kept putting me on for more work on the field to report games and interview the players and coaches.”
The excitement she has beaming off of her is addicting, but I have no clue where this is all going.
“That’s great Chloe. I’m so proud of you.”
“Yeah and it gets better.” She says.
She is so excited she’s practically bouncing up and down in her seat and it’s kind of turning me on. This is so wrong. My best friends are knocked out in this hospital and all I can think about is taking Chloe back to our home and fucking her senseless for hours…maybe even days.
“Derrick, you don’t understand. Let me finish. So I kept working on the sidelines for a few games during the college basketball season and eventually got the chance to be on the court for most of March Madness this year. I was actually supposed to be there for the Final Four and the Championship game, but something else came up that was more important.”
“Ah man Chloe, you know Charlie is going to hate that you missed out on that because you’re here.”
“No that’s not it at all. I was never going to be there for the game anyway.”
“I don’t get it, where would you have been? March Madness would have been a huge opportunity for you.”
“Actually a better opportunity did come up. You see I enjoyed being on the field for the football games and on the court for basketball, but really there’s only one sport I feel connected to and that is baseball. Derrick, the Red Sox have a position for a Senior Analyst. The job is here in Boston and I wouldn’t have to live across the country anymore. My final interview is here on April 8th when they play the Orioles.”
I can’t believe what Chloe is telling me. She has a chance to move back to Boston. My girl will be close enough that I can touch her, love her and be by her side every day.
Taking her face in my hands I can’t hold back any longer. I look into her eyes and see the tears begin to fall to her cheeks. She nods her head to give me the go ahead and I kiss her like my life depends on it. The feel of our lips touching, our mouths connecting and the taste of Chloe is something I never want to miss again. We stay interlocked for what feels like forever when I hear a throat clear behind us.
We pull away and I can see that Pete and Emma are standing behind us with big smiles on their faces. I look over at my angel and I can see she has a smile on her face too.
“So did you guys talk or just make out the whole time?” Pete asks.
“Shut up asshole! Chloe just gave me some incredible news. She’s coming back to Boston to work strictly with the Red Sox. She’s going to be the Senior Analyst for the team. Isn’t that incredible?”
“That’s great Chloe, congrats.” Emma says. “Does that mean I need to find a new place to live?”
“Oh god no Emma! You’re always welcome at my…I mean our house. Right Chloe?”
I know I’m probably over stepping some toes on this one, but I can’t kick out Emma. She’s family and she needs that place to stay more that anyone, especially right now.
“You know what? This is all happening so fast. But Emma I’ll say that if Derrick wants you to stay then you stay. I really haven’t even considered where I would be living.”
“What are you talking about Angel? You’ll live in our house.” I tell her with all sincerity. I don’t think she understands how much all of this means to me right now.
“Okay Derrick let’s just step back for a second okay. I still need to get through my final interview and then move all my shit back home. Let’s take it one day at a time, okay?”
“Whatever you say Angel, you just made me the happiest guy in all of Boston. I have my girl with me and knowing that you could be coming back home is enough for me. At least for right now.”
“Fair enough.” She says and kisses me on the lips.
“Well if you two lovebirds can keep it in your pants for a few more hours, why don’t we go up and check on Char and Riley?” Pete says.
“Yeah by now we should be good to go up and see Charlie.”
Pete and Emma start to walk away and as Chloe begins to stand I grab her in my arms.
“Thank you.” I tell her.
“For what?” She whispers.
“For never forgetting how this feels.” I tell her as I guide my touch along her cheek, her arm and across her back until both my arms are wrapped around her body.
This is where I want to be. This is what makes me feel safe. This is where I know my love needs to stay.
Derrick takes my hand in his and guides me out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. I watch as his tall, strong form leads me in the right direction. He makes me smile and my heart does flip flops. Derrick has always been so sure about everything in our relationship and I let him down. But this time I’m never going to lose sight of what he means to me….he is my world.
I feel like a kid again. It’s difficult to explain the emotions running through my mind. For the past few months I’ve been trying to let go of something that never should have been missing from my life. I made a choice and thankfully it was a decision that didn’t ruin what I have right here.
Squeezing his hand a little tighter, he starts to rub his thumb along my knuckles. It feels so good to have his touch provide warmth through my body.
There’s a lot we need to talk about and I’m sure the time will come. I just don’t know how I’ll approach what happened with Andrew and me. Lying
and hiding it from Derrick is not an option, we will not go back into a relationship telling lies. Once things are more certain with Char’s health, I’ll sit him down and tell him everything…I mean everything.
I follow Emma, Pete and Derrick into the elevator. Just a little over an hour ago we were on this same elevator and I was worried about how I could even look Derrick in the eye. Now we’re heading back up to our families like we never were apart. My heart skips a beat at the thought of being with Derrick again. I know I’ve missed him. I’ve felt the loss of his love in my life and now that he’s here, right next to me, I believe that everything will be okay.
We stand in the elevator moving up toward the fourth floor and Derrick wraps his arms around my waist pulling me in closer to him. I feel his body up against my back and can smell his scent with how close we’re standing. I close my eyes for a brief moment to take it all in. All of this feels like a dream. Char and Riley’s accident, being here with Derrick, it all brings out so many emotions I don’t know what to do with.
The elevator stops on the floor and we all exit walking toward the visiting room. Derrick grabs onto my hand and holds on for dear life. I’m sure he feels my hesitation walking in like this with both our parents sitting in there, but to be honest, I don’t really care. Mom and dad love Derrick and I know that Rose and Bud will be happy to know we’ve worked through our issues.
The thing is we really haven’t. In just under an hour I have rekindled my relationship with Derrick and according to him, I’ll be moving back in as soon as I fly back to Boston. Hell, I wouldn’t put it past him to hire someone to go out there and move me back so I don’t have to return to LA.
As we walk in the room all eyes are on me and Derrick. With our hands still interlocked, Derrick raises them in the air. He’s a complete nut and I love him for it. Rose and mom both get up and walk on over and pull us into a giant group hug. A smile creeps across my face and it feels so good to be with our families like this. I hate the reason that we were brought here today, but at the same time it’s because of this accident that Derrick and I had to come to terms with our true feeling for each other.