“He’s the one?”
What does Lee mean when he says the one?
The one who showed me what butterflies felt like?
The one I can’t hate? Not even a little bit although I try my damnedest.
The one I want to hug so tightly I fit all his broken pieces back together?
The one my heart is talking about when it whispers that he’s the one?
If that’s what Lee means then the answer is yes. And I can tell by the way he’s looking at me that he sees that all over my face. “I’m sorry.”
Lee pushes away from the table and takes his plate to the sink. “There’s clearly something other than Savan Cider dealings that needs to be tended.”
Lee is right. Lucas and I are unfinished business.
“You’ll need to take care of whatever’s going on with him first if you want our relationship to go any further.”
Do I want things to go further with Lee?
This is my fourth date with him since my breakup with Lucas. I haven’t let him go beyond kissing me. I pushed his hand away when he tried to slip it down the waist of my skirt. I let Lucas do that to me the weekend we met, and I was going to let him do so much more. Was totally bummed when we were unable to take it further.
Lee crosses his arms and leans against my kitchen cabinet. “You dropped me the last time this guy came around. Should I expect that to happen again?”
I can’t answer that because I don’t know what’s going to happen. My head is spinning.
“No answer? That’s just great, Lawrence.”
“I’m sorry.” I can’t reassure Lee about our relationship when I’m not sure where things stand between us.
Has Lucas changed his mind?
Fuck, he shows up at my door and I’m ready to drop everything—even this super nice guy who seems willing to do anything to make me happy—so I can run back into the arms of the man who hurt me.
“I like you, Lawrence. We have a lot of fun together and share a ton of things in common. Can you say that about you and that Broussard fellow?”
I’m carefree. He’s guarded.
I want marriage. He doesn’t.
I want children. He doesn’t.
Lee comes to me and grabs the sides of my face, planting a kiss on my mouth. Not heated. Not demanding. Sweet. “I think you need time to think about what you want.”
I know what I want. I’ve had nothing but time to think about it.
He kisses me again and it’s still lackluster. “I really hope it’s me you choose.”
You’d never know by that kiss.
Lucas would have yanked me hard against him. Pushed his hands into my hair. Probably shoved his hand into my panties and made me come. Maybe even convinced me to say something really dirty like I love the way you lick my pussy. Mmm… makes me shudder but in the best kind of way.
I miss that dirty bastard.
I don’t think Lee has an alpha bone in his body, but Lucas Broussard isn’t afraid to exert his dominance. Get on your hands and knees. Ass up. Now. My skin erupts with goose bumps as I recall his sexy commands in the bedroom.
I’m relieved when Lee is gone. In all fairness, I try to recall why I’ve been dating him.
He’s kind. Respectful. Gentle and patient. We share countless commonalities. But eating the same kind of food and sharing the same beliefs doesn’t set my heart or body on fire.
I sit in silence at my dining table for the longest time looking at my phone. I want to call Lucas so badly. I ache to lift the phone and press call when I scroll to his contact.
All I’m doing is prolonging the inevitable. There’s a hard conversation we must have. We either do it in privacy now or tomorrow in front of Ollie. I choose now.
Lawrence: Come back. I need to see you.
My heart accelerates and pounds so hard I hear it in my ears, feel it in my face. A muscle in my upper lip twitches after I press send.
Lucas: Be there in ten.
I watch the clock on the wall and hear every click of the second hand as I wait for Lucas. Six hundred ticks. The racket is maddening so I turn on some music to drown out the annoying sound, and I nearly jump out of my skin when he knocks.
I inhale deeply and exhale slowly. “Calm the fuck down, Lawrence.”
My pep talk does little for my nerves. I’m practically trembling when I open the door. I go completely stupid and speechless when I look into those blue eyes.
“Can I come in? I’d much rather talk inside instead of in the hallway this time.”
I open the door wide. “Of course. Sorry.”
Deep breath in. Slow breath out. Get yourself in check, girl.
Getting myself in check becomes impossible when Lucas pulls me to him. His hands are on my face, his forehead pressed to mine. And I don’t push him away.
“I’ve missed you so much.”
The taste of his mouth. The feel of his facial scruff against my skin. The warmth of his arms around me. All of it became a physical necessity for my survival. I haven’t truly been living since we separated. Just existing.
“God, I’ve missed you too.”
I’ve surrounded myself with friends and family for the last six months. Those I love most. I thought staying busy would help with the pain, but there’s been a void in my life. A hole only one person in this world can fill.
I pride myself on being strong and independent, but there’s no denying that I fell apart when I lost Lucas. I had to gather all the fragments and put myself back together. But I couldn’t make the pieces fit because they weren’t all there. He still held the biggest one. My heart.
“What are you doing with him?” Lucas’s voice is a whisper. I may even detect a tremble.
“Not what you probably think.”
“Are you fucking him?”
I hear the sharp edge of pain in his words. I shake my head. “No.”
“Has he touched you? Made you come?”
I shake my head again. “No.”
“Thank fuck.”
His mouth lands on mine without warning. Without permission. Because that’s Lucas. He isn’t a man who is going to press a passionless kiss to my mouth and hope that I choose him. He’s going to set me aflame and make me burn for him. And that’s exactly what he does. No amount of rain could douse the fire I have burning inside me for this man.
He doesn’t stop kissing me until I’m breathless and gasping for air. And then distancing our faces, his eyes connect with mine. “I don’t have words for the misery I’ve felt for the last six months. Being without you has changed everything I thought I knew and wanted in my life. I was so wrong to let you go.”
His words are pretty, but there’s something else that I need to hear. All of this is for naught if he’s still in the same mindset as six months ago. “I love you and I want nothing more than to be together, but none of it matters if you haven’t changed your mind about the future.”
He lowers himself to his knees and presses his face to my stomach. “I love you, Lawrence Thorn, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without you. If that means marrying you and giving you babies, I’m in. Marriage, vasectomy reversal, whatever you want. I’ll give it to you.”
This man is on his knees and willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. All of this is for me.
He came for me. Again.
Putting my fingers into his hair, I push it away from his face so I can clearly see his eyes. And that’s where I become lost. But it’s the kind of lost that’s more like being found. Suddenly everything in the world is right. “I love you, Lucas Broussard.”
He looks up at me from his knees. “Please say you’ll have me back.”
“Only if you’ll have me.”
He kisses my stomach over my shirt. “I’d very much like to have you right now, but there’s something I need to do first. And it’s going to be a little difficult to do on both of my knees.”
As in he only needs to be on one?
Holy sh
it.
He’s going to propose? Here? Now?
Lucas gets up and stands before me. He rubs his hands up and down the length of my arms. “You’re trembling, baby.”
“I—” It’s the only word I’m able to get out of my mouth. And the harder I try to stop shaking, the worse it becomes.
“Are you okay?”
I nod because I can’t find my voice.
“As you know, I looked at the books for Savan Cider.”
Wait. What?
The books? The books for the cider company? He wants to talk about that now?
Fuck! I thought he was about to propose to me.
“As far as the numbers go, I like what I see there.”
“That’s good.” My voice sounds like a damn croaking frog.
“The evaluations look good. It’s going to be profitable so I’m in favor of buying.”
Wow. I’m getting a damn business meeting instead of a marriage proposal. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in my life.
“Oliver said you were interested in buying a third? Possibly half?”
“I know I can afford a third but ideally I’d like to go halfers if we can get it for the right price.”
“How do you feel about going half and half with me?”
Has he lost his mind? Lucas and I can’t take on a brewery without the brewmasters. “We would need Ollie. Maybe Porter too.”
“I have a different kind of partnership in mind. And I think that the only people we need to make it work are you and me.” He takes a black leather box from his pocket and flips open the top. “I already know you’ll be the better half.”
This is it. This is really happening.
Lucas takes the ring from the box and reaches for my hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the top. “The moment I saw you at that festival, I only knew one thing about you. You were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I was lucky enough to steal a forbidden kiss and I felt alive for the first time in years. The whole world became something different with you in my arms.”
He drops to one knee, holding a gold vintage engagement ring between his thumb and index finger. It looks at least fifty years old. It’s so me. “I won’t be satisfied until I wake with you by my side every morning. Be my wife, Lawrence. Be the mother of my children. Be my business partner.”
It may be crazy but I want to savor this moment for a bit longer before I give him my answer.
He places the ring around the tip of my finger and waits for my answer. “All you have to do is say yes.”
I love this man so much. He is everything to me. “Yes. I’ll be your wife, the mother of your children, and your business partner.”
He slides the engagement ring down my finger and looks up at me. “Sometimes the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it needs. And you’re it for me.”
Meeting Lucas the weekend of the beer festival was fate. Deciding to try out a long-distance relationship was a choice. But falling in love was beyond our control.
Epilogue
Lucas Broussard
I wish I could be ecstatic. I would love to wear a fucking grin on my face for days and tell everyone I’m finally going to be a daddy. But I can’t. I have to stay disconnected so it doesn’t hurt so much if we lose this one too.
I swore to Lawrence that I would marry her and give her babies. I’ve done both but things haven’t gone as planned.
We got married three years ago and I had the vasectomy reversal a month later. It took over two years but we’ve conceived three times, the first two pregnancies ending in miscarriage.
Now, here we go again.
The doctor said that both miscarriages were random and not an indicator for any future problems. I wanted to wait, give her body more time to heal so we’d have a better chance at being successful this time. But Lawrence wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s eager to hold a baby in her arms.
I’m scared. Fucking terrified. I don’t want to walk this path again and lose my fourth child. Her third. It’s brutal.
“Don’t think about everything that can go wrong. Think of the sweet, precious baby we’ll have because everything finally went right this time.”
I hope everything goes right this time. I don’t think I can handle going through this again if it doesn’t.
“Lawrence Broussard,” a woman wearing pink scrubs calls out.
“This is it.”
We follow the woman down the hallway into an exam room. “Dr. Nichols wants your ultrasound done before she sees you.”
“Yay.” Lawrence is beaming. So giddy and bubbly. She’s never made it this far along in her pregnancies. Never had a bump before. Never had that lovely glow.
My wife makes a beautiful pregnant woman.
She reaches for my hand. “Come stand beside me so you can see better.”
I’m wearing a smile but it’s all for show. I’ve never been so fucking scared in my life.
Lawrence is at twenty weeks, halfway through the pregnancy. If something is wrong with this baby, we’ll find out today. Right now.
She stretches out on the exam table, legs fidgeting. “Oh, I’m so excited. It’s been a month since the last scan. I can’t wait to see our baby and how much he or she has grown.”
I cup both of my hands around Lawrence’s one. I lean forward, bringing the clasp to my forehead. Closing my eyes, I say a silent prayer. Please, please, please let our baby be healthy. I don’t think I’ll make it through losing another one.
“Lucas, you’re shaking.”
I am. I hide it from Lawrence but I’m a fucking wreck on the inside. It’s my job to protect her and our child, and yet I’m helpless to do anything if something has gone wrong again.
The woman shakes a bottle and squeezes gel on Lawrence’s bump. “Wet goo on your tummy.”
Here we go. I watch the computer screen although I don’t have a clue what I’m seeing. Just looks like a bunch of blobs to me. “I’ll do the diagnostic requirements first and then we get to spy on the baby and take pictures. Maybe see if it’s a boy or girl if he or she is cooperative today.”
“We don’t want to know the gender,” Lawrence is quick to inform her. She’s been adamant about not finding out since the beginning.
“Oh, I love when parents don’t find out. That’ll be so much more fun when the baby comes.”
The ultrasound tech hums and makes small talk as she scans Lawrence’s stomach. “Do you have a feeling about it? Most of my patients say they do.”
“I think it’s a boy. He says he doesn’t know.”
I haven’t been able to assign a gender to this little person. To do so would make it real, and I can’t do that until I’m certain that this baby will survive.
A galloping thud echoes through the room. “Heart rate is running around one fifty.”
Mishaps at the cider brewery caused me to miss the last two checkups and ultrasounds, so I’m hearing and seeing our baby for the first time. And it triggers something deep within my chest: this is my child.
“That is the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. I could listen to it forever.”
The tech points at the screen. “Well, if you think that’s sweet, take a look at this.”
It takes a minute before I get my bearings but then it becomes clear. I chuckle as I watch the screen, mesmerized by what I’m seeing. “Look at that, Lawrence.”
“I think our boy’s going to be a thumb-sucker.”
“Does everything look okay?”
Please say yes. I squeeze Lawrence’s hand and my entire body tenses as I wait to hear the verdict. Longest second of my life.
“Everything looks good. He or she appears healthy as can be.”
“You see two kidneys?”
“They’re both there and look perfectly normal.”
“Thank you.” Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I’m not on cloud nine. I’m floating somewhere above it because the realization hits home. We aren’t
going to lose this baby.
I choke up and fight tears as I behold this tiny little person inside my wife. Part of me, part of her.
The tech moves the probe and is able to get a perfect still frame of the face. “Look at that, Lucas. It has to be a boy because that little face looks just like yours.”
I can’t take my eyes from the screen as I study the image of our child. “I don’t know, babe. I think that’s your nose and chin.”
The tech replaces the ultrasound wand on the machine and the fun is over too soon. “All right. We’re done. Dr. Nichols will be in to see you shortly.”
Lawrence holds up the printout. “Thank you for the pictures.”
“You’re welcome. Glad we were able to get some good shots of the little prince or princess.”
“I can’t wait to show the video and these pictures to our parents. You know our moms are going to have a fit.”
Lawrence adjusts the stretchy band of her skirt over her belly. Pregnant and still dressing like a hippie. That’s my bohemian girl.
“Josette Broussard will want her own copy.”
My mom wanted to be with us during the ultrasound so badly. She begged and pleaded like a toddler. While I understand her excitement about the baby, this is our special time. I don’t want to share it with anyone else.
I have no idea what’s going to happen when the doctor comes in to see Lawrence. She may not want me in here. “Would you like me to go to the waiting room?”
“No, I really want you to stay.”
I haven’t been a part of this pregnancy as I should be. I’ve been emotionally checked out, dealing with my secret demons, but that changes here and now. “I would love to stay with you, baby.”
“Where do you want me?”
“On your side, a pillow between your knees and one under your head.”
Naked Lawrence. Fragrant candles burning. Relaxing music playing. Lavender oil ready to be warmed in my hands when she’s in position. Perfect recipe for a prenatal massage.
I dribble several drops of diluted lavender oil in my hands. I rub them together before placing my palms against the back of her neck. “Lavender oil is safe in second trimester. I checked.”