Chapter Fifteen
Logan
Chloe was hilarious. When she said she wanted to act like a tourist she wasn't kidding. Her phone, doubling up as her camera, was attached to her hand as she snapped a picture of every-fucking-thing we passed - in the car.
"You don't get out much, do you?" I said, laughing as she gasped at some statue and took a dozen pictures of it.
"Shut up! I'm excited, Mr Grumpy."
"I'm not grumpy, I'm just normal. This is kinda excessive and you know all those pictures are going to be blurry, right?"
"Yes, you are and no, they're not. I should've gone in your parents' car."
I snorted. "Please. My car is much more fun and you know it."
She rolled her eyes. "Sure. How long do you think we're going to look at buildings for?"
"Not long," I replied. "I want to do a couple for Jace but, fuck me, it's boring. I just need a pub and beer and I'll be happy." And you naked and/or proclaiming your undying love for me.
"Yeah, I definitely didn't share that passion with him. Actually, I didn't share any passions with him. We couldn't have been more different."
"Opposites attract."
Now why the fuck did I just say that? I was anti opposites and pro same. Same, same, same, same, same. We made so much sense I wanted to shake her for not seeing it now and almost seven years ago.
"I guess," she replied, frowning.
"You guess?"
"Yeah. I don't know. Recently, I've been feeling like..." She bit her lip and looked out of the window. If she thought there was any way I was letting that go then she really didn't know me at all.
"Spill, Chlo. It's just me and you in the car so out with it."
"I've been wondering if we would've made it. Sure, we were going to uni together and all but I think the further into the big, wide world we got the more we would grow apart. Growing up is inevitable. I'll never know but do you think we could've made it?"
"You two were so confident you would. Sickening really." Sickening. Agonising.
She looked back and gave me a shy smile. "We were one hundred per cent sure we'd be together forever and it's nice to think that maybe we could have been. Still, not a whole lot of people marry the person they were with when they were fifteen."
"Some do."
"Yeah. That was going to be us. I just wonder if it actually would have or if real life would've separated us eventually."
"Don't drive yourself crazy thinking about it, Chlo."
"Oh, I won't. Sometimes my mind wanders off into plenty of what ifs."
Mine too. What if she'd fallen for me and not him?
I slammed on my breaks as some idiot pulled out right in front of us. "What the fuck!"
Chlo had her hands on the dash, eyes wide. "We should've taken the train."
"And listened to you moaning about how crowded it is?"
"It is crowded. But at least we'd be alive."
I smirked at her. "We're fine. I just gotta allow for more pricks on the road."
"Might help if you watched the road, too," she said, pushing my head back around. "Where is this hotel anyway?"
"My instructions were to follow them." Mum, Dad and Cassie were in front, somewhere. I could just about see them a few cars up when the 4x4 prick that pulled out on us swayed to the side.
"It's a shame we couldn't be here for a full week. There's a lot to see and not just Jace's stuff."
I wanted to tell her I'd bring her back some other time but that seemed a little inappropriate, especially since I wanted to add that all she'd see was the inside of our hotel room.
"This won't be your only chance to explore London, Chlo."
"Yeah, I know. Me and Jace wanted to take a selfie in front of Big Ben. I'd really like to do that."
"Yeah, we can make sure you do that."
"We do that. I'm not doing it on my own!"
It shouldn't make me want to shout fuck yeah that she wanted a picture with me but it did. "You sure, sweetheart? Seems like it was a you and Jace thing. I'm cool to watch and laugh at you or take the picture for ya."
"No, I think he'd want you in it if he couldn't be."
Was that all he'd want me to do if he couldn't?
"You think?"
She smiled. "Of course. He loved you, Logan. He looked up to you more than anyone else."
"Then why did he never get off that fucking Xbox when I told him to?"
Her laugher filled the car. "Not even I could get him off it and I could offer him things--"
"No! Thank you," I said, my stomach turning inside out.
I'd heard them before and it ripped me apart. After that one, gut wrenching time I was careful not to go to bed too close to them going up and if I heard anything I was out of my room and downstairs in a rush.
She laughed again and rolled her eyes. "So you'll do it with me?"
"Too easy, Chlo."
"Now, now. Not going back to your whore ways I hope?"
"No, thanks."
"Good. Hey, have you spoken to Cass?" she asked.
I gripped the steering wheel. Talking or even thinking about what that wanker did to my sister made me want to rip his limbs off.
"I have."
Chloe laughed. "And?"
"She's doing alright, considering."
"We'll get her through it."
"We will." I wasn't going to let anyone I loved drown in the darkness I knew only too well.
***
After checking into our hotel rooms we wasted no time in exploring London. Day one was all about Jace so we headed to Westminster Cathedral. Apparently, Jace liked the shapes of the building or some shit like that. He'd also wanted to visit Albert Memorial, the Royal Albert Hall, The White Tower and Tower Bridge. We had one day so we weren't going to spend too much time there, plus, we wouldn't really know much about what we were looking at.
Day two was going to involve actual fun. Mum and Dad were hitting a museum Jace'd wanted to visit and one they wanted, Cassie had already booked herself into a day spa and Chlo and me were being annoying tourists. Well, she was, I was just there for the view. The view being her.
We took taxis because Mum flat out refused to go on anything underground.
"Who gets enjoyment out of looking at a building?" I said, staring up at Westminster Cathedral.
"Our brother," Cass replied.
"Yeah, well, he spent ninety per cent of his time killing zombies or whatever he did on the computer, what did he know."
Chloe laughed and snapped a picture. "I think it's pretty."
Mum, Dad and Cass moved closer to the cathedral, talking about Jace.
"Are you going to take pictures all weekend?" I asked her.
"Yep," she replied. "I'm sending them to Nell as per her instructions and I'm also going to print the boring building ones off and give them to Jace. Think he'd like that."
"He would."
We walked around the outside of the building and Mum and Chloe got pictures from literally every angle.
"You know Jace has probably visited all this already, right?" I said as we got out of the taxi at The White Tower.
"Oh my God, you're the grumpiest!" Cassie said.
"I'm the realist," I replied. "I bet he's having such a laugh watching us right now." He was pissing himself for sure. Little wanker.
Chloe laughed, following my parents. She looked over her shoulder. "And you're putting on a great show."
Chapter sixteen
Chloe
As much as I enjoyed yesterday, doing things Jace wanted to do, I was really looking forward to hanging out with Logan and doing something fun. I had a camera full of photos to show Jace but now it was time to fill it up with photos for me.
In three days it would be Jace's birthday and for the first time I didn't feel like hiding in bed all day. I was having a good time in London with Jace's family and it kind of felt like he was with us, too.
Cassie shoved her make-up bag in her suitcase and turned to m
e. "Sure you don't want to come to the spa?" she asked.
"No, thanks. Got a full day planned."
"You're dragging Logan to all of the tourist hot spots, he's going to strangle you by the end of the day."
Crossing my legs on the bed, I shrugged. "Pretty much. It's going to be fun."
She laughed. "You're evil."
"Hey, he volunteered to take me places."
"And he won't regret that," she replied, giving me her I'm thinking more than I'm going to tell expression. Logan would enjoy the day I planned and she knew it. Not that he'd ever admit it.
"I do feel bad that we're all going off doing our own thing and your parents are still doing Jace stuff."
"Only for the morning, then they're off, too. This weekend isn't just about him; it's about us as well. We all need to do something for ourselves. It feels like closure to me. I like that I can do something for him and for me."
"Yeah, I guess. I like that we can do this without it hurting too much."
"Feels good."
"Miss him," I said. "I often wonder where we'd be now."
She deadpanned. "You know exactly where you'd be, you had every second mapped out."
I stuck my finger up. "We did, but things have changed, besides the obvious, and I can't help wonder if we'd have stuck to it. I think we would." This conversation was the same one I'd had with Logan but I was keen to get a female's perspective.
"Things change, Chlo. People grow all the time, apart from my ex, he just turned into a bastard." Yes, he did. "Maybe you would've got that house, dream jobs in the same town, engaged, promoted, married, had a couple kids and died long into old age, or maybe you would've gone down different paths out of uni."
"Guess I'll never know." I didn't like the unknown. It was scary. I didn't feel free or exhilarated; I felt fear.
"You've got a second chance, Chlo. You've done that hard bit of getting over Jace so concentrate on what happens next for you. Go and have a good day with Logan and do it without feeling guilty for today not being all about Jace."
I wanted to say something in return, thank her and pretty much recite her speech, turning it around to her but there was an obnoxiously loud knock on the door.
"Well, that'll be Logan then," I said, getting off the bed to open the door.
"Ready for this?" he said, skipping hello altogether.
"We're going to have a great day," I said, pushing his mouth up at the sides with my fingers. He raised an eyebrow but made no attempt to swat me away. I lowered my hands, grinning at him, earning a reluctant smile.
Behind me Cassie grabbed her handbag and pushed past us. "Have a good day you two."
"And you," I called after her as she walked down the stairs of the townhouse hotel. "Where to first, Mr Happy?"
"This is your day, sweetheart, you lead the way."
I grabbed my phone and shoved my coin purse in my coat pocket. "This isn't just about me. Logan, I don't want to drag you around London if you don't want to."
He held his hands up. "Ah, ah, ah, don't do that. I'm more than happy to escort you around London and do all that tourist shit you want to do. Besides, my other options are more buildings and museums, or a spa."
"You sure? We can do something you want to do instead."
I watched him breathe in and out three times before replying, "There's nothing else I want us to do. Let's get the tube and go to Westminster, Big Ben and the London Eye. Not sure where the fuck off creepy wax place is but we'll grab a map at the station."
I closed the door and locked it. It wasn't until we got to the bottom of the stairs that I realised Logan was so looking forward to today. But I wasn't going to say anything.
Stepping outside the hotel, I stopped dead. "So... the tube station is where?" I asked.
"Chloe, you have the worst sense of direction."
I threw my hands up. That was so not true. "It all looks the fucking same!" Rows and rows of townhouses were everywhere you looked. How was anyone supposed to find their way around? I was surprised there weren't more Londoners wandering the streets, scratching their heads.
"You're spending too much time with me," he said, touching my elbow and starting us walking along the path straight ahead.
"What?"
"You said fucking, you're always telling me I say that too much."
"Huh, you're definitely rubbing off on me." I regretted it the second the words left my mouth. I watched him struggle to hold it together with a bored expression. "Go on!"
Laughter burst from deep in his chest. "Sweetheart, it would be an honour to rub off on you."
My stomach fizzed. Fizzed! Like that popping candy. Stay cool, Chloe. "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"
He casually slung his arm over my shoulders as we walked towards where I hoped was the tube station. How did he just know where we were going?
I liked his arm around me a little too much. It felt really, really good.
Annoyingly, Logan found the station straight away and it took me all of zero seconds to realise I hated the underground. People were everywhere. Dirt, invisible dirt for the most part, was everywhere. Maps that made little to no sense mocked me on the walls.
Logan was a picture of ease, taking one glance at the routes and leading us through the stations. I clung to his hand, not even bothering to look where we were going by the second change.
"Almost there, Chlo," he said, holding onto the bar above my head. I gripped the one behind him, bringing us a lot closer together than what we'd usually stand. As the train wobbled on the tracks I wanted to wrap my arms around his chest. I was all over the place but he stood still, same as everyone else, apparently.
When we finally reached our stop I was ready to go back to the hotel. "Alright, if we can't get to all the places we want to go by foot we're not going there. Also, we're getting a taxi back."
"Don't be such a baby," he replied.
We walked upstairs, to holy ground level, still holding hands. It had started through fear but now I didn't want to let go. The same as his arm around me earlier, holding his hand felt nice.
He didn't let go so as long as he was cool with it I wasn't letting go.
I squealed as I saw Big Ben, and using my non-Logan hand, slipped my phone out of my pocket and took a couple pictures. "There's the London Eye! Let's do the picture with Big Ben and then go there!" It really was big. I mean, I knew it was big but seeing it, wow.
Logan laughed. "You're about to get really impossible, aren't you?" he asked, squeezing my hand.
I squeezed back. "Yep!"
Dragging Logan to the perfect spot, I turned us around and held my phone out. I rolled my eyes and looked up at him. "Logan!" He looked bored. I didn't want a picture of him looking bored. "Will you smile, please?"
He smiled too much but by the third picture the amusement of that must have worn off because we got a couple of really nice ones. I sent the best one to Nell, like I'd done with all the others. She wanted to know what I was doing all weekend but I bet by the end of the day she'd regret demanding pictures.
***
"Look, look, look! Buckingham Palace!" I pointed to the building from high up in the London Eye, but Logan was looking at me.
"Yes, Chloe," he replied, still not looking out of the big glass capsule that I kept reminding myself could absolutely not ever fall. He wasn't fooling me, I'd caught him looking out a few times when he thought I was distracted. Apparently, I was now hyper-aware of Logan so when he was around I was distracted; my mind on him constantly.
Not good, not good, not good!
I leant on the glass but before I could point out a street dance team, I was yanked back and Logan's hand was in mine again.
"Don't do that."
"It's safe, Logan." The glass was fine; it was whether the whole thing would stay attached to the big wheel that worried me.
"Still," he said, pulling me closer to his side, "don't do that."
For the rest of the way around I found it hard t
o watch the whole of London when Logan had me practically pinned to his side. I wanted to lean into him and already had done as much as I could get away with.
Cassie said this day was about us and I let it be. I forgot all about how much of a bad idea liking Logan was and just enjoyed being with him. I knew I would feel awful for it when the day was over but for a few hours I held Logan's hand, laughed and flirted with him as we made our way around the London.
For one day I let myself be with him and to steal a word from Logan, I fucking loved it.
Chapter Seventeen
Logan
I wanted nothing more than to get blind drunk and forget today. I'd had a great time in London - the second day with Chloe where I was so close to her I could pretend she was mine, even if it was only for a few hours. That day seemed years ago compared to the absolute shit of a day Jace's birthday was.
Jace should be twenty-one. He should be here celebrating with a liquid breakfast, lunch and dinner. I should be planning a night out to get my properly grown up brother well and truly wankered. Instead I was standing at the gate to the cemetery, not able to take a step inside, like the fucking pussy I was.
Chloe had offered to come with me, Cass and my parents had offered to hang around until I arrived but I'd turned every one of them down because I wanted to do it alone. Well, I couldn't do it alone. There was nothing I could do to make my legs start working and walk up to his grave.
One of the shittiest things about this situation was him in this place. He was never alone when he was alive, never, but now he only had company when someone made the trip to sit above him and talk about mindless stuff that paled in comparison to him being in a box.
There were other people here, visiting their loved ones. At the minute Jace had no one with him. Mum, Dad, Cass and Chlo had left behind flowers. Jace's grave now looked like a fucking florist. He was a guy, he didn't even like flowers. I had a bottle of Jack in my hand but I couldn't get through the gate to have a drink with my brother.
Finally, I made my legs work and walked over to his grave. I sat down and froze up. On the rare occasions I'd been here I'd never known what to say. It didn't help that when I'd been here with anyone else they'd talked to him as if he was still here. I felt like shit that I couldn't do that.
Pouring a little Jack Daniels into the shot glass from my pocket, I downed it, filled it up again and sat it on the grass above him.