"Please? Just for a couple hours."
Her lips pressed into a firm line. "I really don't think you need to be going to any parties."
"It's not a party. It's me, Kai, Holly, James, probably Sophie, too, watching a film. No party, I promise. Please, Mum."
"No, Tegan."
I felt like screaming. She was well within her rights to tell me no after everything I'd done but I was suffocated and I'd never needed anything more than I needed to leave this house for a while. "Okay. Just going to the bathroom," I said. I had to get away from her for a second and calm down.
"Where are you going?" Lucas asked, following me out of the kitchen. I turned around. Luke was in front of me and Mum and Ava were watching from the door.
Oh, for fuck sake!
"I'm going to have a shower now since breakfast won't be ready for a while," I said as calmly as I could. I turned around and shot a text back to Kai telling him what was going on. Lucas was following me but I didn't acknowledge him.
I reached my room by the time Kai replied. 'Sucks. She better let you come next weekend or I'll have to bust you out!'
Why couldn't he bust me out now.
Luke followed as I opened my wardrobe to pick out something to wear. He sat on my bed, watching my every move. "You okay?" he asked, breaking the silence. I smiled. I tried hard not to take my frustrations out on him but sometimes it was hard when he wouldn't even let me shower in peace.
"Fine," I said, grabbing some clothes and heading to the bathroom.
I managed to shower and get dry in peace but just as I was getting dressed I heard a knock on the door. "Tegan?" Lucas called.
I took a deep, calming breath. "Almost done."
Well, he gave me nine minutes. That was a new record. I finally walked back into my room and he was sitting on the end of my bed, looking pretty stressed.
"What time is Kai picking you up?"
"In an hour."
Luke followed me downstairs and we all ate breakfast together. I tried to make myself smaller so I couldn't get much attention and when that failed I asked Ava about this guy she'd mentioned months ago and hoped he was still on the scene so she'd talk about him.
***
Kai pulled up outside my house and I almost ran out of my room. All me and Luke had done after breakfast was watch TV but it was exhausting. I felt like I had to be extra cheery to convince him I was going to be okay. I wanted to be perfect for my mum, my sister, Lucas, hell, my whole family, but I wasn't and I struggled with getting my head around what was expected and what I could actually live up to.
Right now I was still a mess, I didn't quite know how to get things straight and I was fed up of feeling like I took a step forwards and then nine back.
"Tegan, Kai's outside," Mum said as I came downstairs with Luke.
"Yeah, I just saw his car."
She stepped in my way as I went to walk past. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry about earlier but I really don't think you should be in that environment yet."
"I appreciate that and I don't want to be in that environment right now. But it isn't a party."
"Okay." She paused and then added, "After what happened, you need to earn my trust back."
"I know I do. Believe me, I do know that but how can I when you don't give me a chance to? I understand perfectly why it's hard for you but you have to give me the freedom to prove that I won't do it again and that I am trying. I've barely left this house and there's someone watching me the whole time. I can't breathe, Mum, and I certainly can't show you that I'd never do anything so stupid again when this is how we're living."
"You're right," she said. I'm what? I mean, I knew I was right but I'd never expect her to say it. "You can go for two hours. That's it."
"Seriously?" Two hours felt like two weeks. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
"Two hours, Tegan," she repeated. "Either me or Lucas will take you and pick you up. Okay." I nodded and squealed. Those terms were perfectly okay with me. The doorbell rang. I kissed Lucas and almost sprinted from the house.
"Hey," I said as I kicked the door shut. I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back towards his car.
He laughed at me as I threw myself in his car. Resting his arm on the top of my open door, he said, "You drunk?"
"Nope, but I'm coming tonight. I get two hours."
"Yeah, that's great. Your mum's trying, too. Need me to take you?"
"Mum or Luke has to." Kai would have to drive past my house to get to Holly's but there was no way I was going to question Mum in case she changed her mind.
Melanie ushered me into her study when I got there and Kai went off to find his dad.
"How are you?" she asked as we settled down on her big, sink-right-into-it armchairs.
Every time she asked that I fought the urge to just tell her I was okay. This was a place I was supposed to be honest. "I'm better than I was last week but everyone is still crowding me." She tilted her head. "I know, I know. That's totally all my fault but it's not helping me move on."
"Have you considered it might be helping them?"
"Briefly. I can't see that it would be, though. Sure, right now it might help but by watching me twenty-four-seven they're not moving forwards."
"Perhaps it's a little too soon for your mum to be thinking about moving forwards."
I hadn't thought of that, I just assumed we all wanted to move past it right away.
"Maybe. But then where does that leave us?"
"Time, patience and honesty is what's going to heal this, Tegan."
I didn't think very highly of any of those things at the minute.
"She's letting me go to Holly's tonight."
"Well, that's a big step and it can't be easy for her."
"No, I guess not. I want her to trust me."
"You're scared you'll do something that will break that?"
"Yeah. It's already pretty non-existent and I worry that I'll snap under the pressure of having Big Brother watching all the time and that'll be it."
She leant forwards, tilting her head. "How do you mean?"
Oh God, not her, too. I felt like getting a tattoo of 'I will never OD again' on my forehead.
"Not like that. I don't want to hurt myself or worse. I just mean that I'll say something or run out."
"You can control that."
"See, there's the thing, I don't feel like I can control a lot anymore."
"You're more in control of your emotions than you give yourself credit for."
Alright, sure, I was good, or used to be good, at pushing everything and everyone away but it exploded sometimes. I'd ignore and ignore and ignore and then everything I was shoving away would boil over suddenly and I was left wondering what the hell was going on.
"I don't know. I'm sick of feeling I'm on a never-ending rollercoaster."
"Life is a lot like that. When something happens that's out of your control it's not about getting off the rollercoaster but about learning how to ride it and see it through."
"Only to have it stop and be launched onto a new one. Life sucks."
She laughed and leant back. "Often it does, yes. But you don't have to allow it to suck forever."
I nodded. "Learn to ride the rollercoaster. What if I don't know how to do that?"
"Some things can't be learnt in a day."
I was worried that it'd take years.
***
After my session Kai took me straight home. He was so strict about that. I wanted to hang out for a while but my sessions lasted an hour a time and Mum would question me if I was back late.
"How was it?" Lucas asked as I flopped down on my bed next to him. He was laid out on my bed watching a show about really big lorries driving on ice.
"Good."
He rolled onto his side and traced patterns on my hip. I tried not to let it affect me because he'd been very hands-off recently but I couldn't help my blood pumping that little bit faster. "You okay?"
"Yeah," I replied breathlessly as his hand
dipped a bit lower. "I love you, Lucas."
Groaning, he rolled on top of me and his hands and lips were everywhere. For the next hour we made up for all those nights he laid beside me and didn't touch me. And when he dropped me off at Holly's that evening I was feeling a hundred times more positive about the future.
Holly opened the door and pulled me into a tight hug. I hadn't seen her in two weeks. "Come in," she said and pulled me into the house. I checked out her bump, it was so cute.
In the living room Sophie and Mark were kissing on one of the chair. They didn't even notice I had walked into the room and no way was I interrupting that face-eat fest to say hi.
James shouted 'hey' as he whisked past me to go into the kitchen. "I've got him on drink duty," Holly said, following him into the kitchen.
Kai looked up at me from the recliner he sat on and gave me a lopsided smile. "Hey," he said, shifting over and patting the seat. I didn't need asking twice, I sat down and laid back in the chair.
"Hi."
"I'm tired and hungry."
Rolling my eyes, I replied, "Poor you."
"Kai, order the pizza," Holly shouted from the kitchen.
Handing him his phone from the side table, I kicked my eyebrow up. "Don't forget a Hawaiian."
Sophie let Mark up for air when the pizza arrived. I'd not seen her much either, pretending to have a virus so she wouldn't come over. Swallowing a bunch of pills, cutting myself and almost dying was something I deeply regretted and didn't want everyone to know.
"Okay, everyone, write a celebrity's name on the post it and stick it on the person's head to your left but don't let them see it," Sophie said, once she'd demanded we all sit on the floor around the pizza boxes.
I felt about eight but it was all good fun and I needed fun. Kai did, too, he'd been just as worried about me as my family and Luke but now we were here and relaxed I could feel him loosening up.
I looked between each of my friends and was so grateful that they'd accepted me for who I was. Only Sophie knew the pre-screw-up Tegan so it always surprised me that Kai, Holly and James wanted to be anywhere near the person I was now.
Kai was on my right so he was choosing for me. God knows who I was going to be and I had to pick one for Sophie. Jordan, it was an easy decision. I looked at Kai and laughed. James had given him Hugh Hefner.
"What? How bad is it?" he asked, nudging my shoulder. Laughing, I shook my head and he rolled his eyes. "James, what've you done?" James winked and started the game off, asking if he was male. He was Lady Gaga and there were those stupid rumours...
Fifteen minutes in and we'd all guessed ours, besides Kai. I was Kim Cattrall from Sex and the City. It could've been worse but Kai still got a slap.
He sighed, rubbing his face. "Okay, so I'm male, old, American and have been married more than once?"
"Yes," me, Holly and Soph said at the same time.
"I'll give you a clue. You've had a lot of sex," James said after another five minutes watching him guess.
"I'm Sophie?" Kai joked, making everyone laugh and Sophie throw a wadded up post-it ball at him. "Alright, do I live with anyone?"
"Lots of people," Mark replied. Kai frowned, going off somewhere in his mind to think about that one.
"Have I slept with Kim Cattrall?" he asked, chuckling. Oh, there was so a double meaning there.
"You wish."
"Yes, I do," he said, laughing. I laughed but didn't open my eyes. I could practically see him smirking anyway. Thirty-five minutes. That was how long he'd been guessing for. And he hadn't even guessed right yet. We'd all played more games but Kai was still trying to get his first.
The front doorbell rang and I knew it'd be Lucas. My two hours were up. "I'll get it," Holly said.
"Come on, Kai!" I snapped. It was just getting ridiculous now.
Lucas chuckled as he walked into the room and saw us sitting in a circle with pizza boxes and post it notes everywhere. "Am I Anthony Hopkins?" he asked.
I deadpanned. "Are you doing this on purpose?" He groaned and shook his head.
I got up and hugged everyone goodbye. On my way out, I bent over and whispered in Kai's ear, "You're Hugh Hefner!"
His mouth dropped open. "I should've gotten that."
"I know," I said, waving to the best, idiot friends in the world.
Chapter Forty-Five
Tegan
I woke up to the sound of Mum crying again. Usually I would leave it to Ava but I didn't want to tonight, we had just started getting closer and I wanted to be there for her. Nerves rattled in my stomach even though this was my bloody mum and I should feel confident going to her.
I crept into her room and my heart fell a little. She was sitting up in Ava's arms. Of course she was already here. I went to turn around, she didn't need me, but I caught their attention and they both looked up. "Sorry, I didn't know you were in here already," I said, backing up.
"No, come in, honey," Mum said, wiping her tears with a tissue.
Biting on my lip, I considered an excuse to leave. Not that I really wanted to but I felt like I was intruding. Mum held her hand out so I walked over to the bed and sat on the other side of her. I felt weird being with both of them, like I was in the way or just here because Mum didn't want to hurt my feelings. Deep down I knew different but my insecurities were strong.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"I am now I have my girls," Mum replied. "Why don't you both sleep here tonight?"
I blinked in surprise. Ava had a lot recently but I hadn't slept in my mum's bed since I was a baby. "Okay," I said, still completely unsure how I felt about it, and laid down. Mum and Ava sank down and we laid in silence for a few minutes.
"So, Lucas called me," Mum said.
I turned to look at her. "Oh?"
"He mentioned a trip."
"Right," I said, fiddling with the duvet.
"You can go."
"I can what?"
Mum smiled. "You can go. I see you trying and getting more involved. I'm trying, too, so you can go but there are going to be conditions. Probably a lot of them."
"Thank you," I whispered, feeling choked up. "I'll stick to whatever conditions you have."
"I know you will. Because you'll want to leave the house again before you're thirty."
I would because I didn't want her to spend her days worrying that her daughter was going to do something stupid again. She turned her head towards the ceiling and closed her eyes, smiling.
Dad's pillow was under my head but I couldn't smell him anymore. My pulse stared to race and I felt short of breath. I closed my eyes and focused on the calming exercises Melanie had taught me. I forced my breaths out evenly and tried to think of something good rather than the heart-tearing loss. Finally, I managed to calm myself down enough to fall asleep.
***
"Hey!" I said, opening the front door to Kai and bouncing on the spot. Today was the day we were going away. Mum had finally trusted me enough to let me go. We were working on trust and so far I had followed every single rule perfectly so I could build our relationship. The sun was shining and I was going away with friends.
"Excited much, princess?" he asked, laughing. I rolled my eyes and followed him as he walked through the hallway. He stopped by the music room. I'd opened the doors this morning and took a peek inside. After staying with Mum and Ava last night I felt a little less lonely, a little less afraid. "Nice piano."
"You play?" I asked.
"No, but how hard can it be?"
I raised my eyebrows and pushed him into the room. Mum and Ava were watching us from the kitchen and got up to follow when I shoved Kai inside. Little bitch was going to see how hard it could be!
He sat down on the stool and cracked his knuckles. Then he stared at the keys.
"In your own time, Kai."
He smirked up at me and started to play Just the Way You Are. Well, I use the term 'play' very loosely. He hit they keys - the wrong ones - in time to the song. I cringed. It was
bad, very bad, but the look of pride on his face made me, my mum, and sister laugh.
Finally the noise stopped and I bit my lip. "That was...great," I said sarcastically.
"Alright, let's see you play it."
I did. I let my fingers glide over the keys elegantly and played the same song he'd just murdered. There weren't many things I could do well but I could play the piano. I felt heavy hearted when I finished the song. I enjoyed playing but I didn't want to when Dad wasn't around to enjoy it with me. When would the guilt over every little pissing thing end?
"Wow," Kai said, dragging me back from getting sucked in by guilt. He looked down at me; his dark chocolate eyes alight in awe. "That was... Yeah."
I smiled and stood up. "Thanks. Are you ready to go now?"
He nodded, still looking at me like I'd just cured every disease in the world. I just played the damn piano!
I followed behind with Mum and Ava as Kai put my bags in the boot of his car. "Are you sure you have enough stuff?" he asked sarcastically. I gave him a dirty look.
"Remember, honey," Mum said.
Like I could forget. I grabbed Kai's arm. "I shall not leave his side. I swear."
"I'll look after her, make sure she eats, gets her naps in, builds a sandcastle and all that," Kai said, smirking.
Mum laughed. "Thank you. Now, you be a good girl for, Kai." Oh, good, she was playing along. Bunch of bloody comedians today...
"You all suck." I got in the car, shutting the door on their laughing at my expense.
"So, I guess you can play the piano," Kai said after we'd been driving for a few minutes. "You should do it professionally."
"I thought about it once, but I really wanna be a forensic scientist." His head snapped round, mouth open and eyes wide. "I don't really but that was so worth it."
"Ha ha."
We pulled into the cafe car park and met up with Holly, James, Sophie, Mark, Adam and Adam's girlfriend, Megan, for breakfast before we headed out. I hadn't seen Adam for a while so our hello hug was a squeezing one. I'd missed him.
Three hours later and we finally made it to the beach house. I was quickly informed that I was sharing the twin room with Kai as everyone else was all coupled up and wanted the doubles.
I'd shared a bed with him before. Hell, I'd shared bodily fluids with him before, so it shouldn't be weird, we had separate beds, but it was. I was fairly confident that I'd be fine with Lucas sharing a room with another woman, sleeping didn't mean shagging, but I wasn't at all confident that he'd be fine with me sharing a room with Kai.