"I'll come with you." Lucas stood, too. I was about to argue but I could see that he'd made his mind up, he was coming with me.
"Okay," I replied, smiling even though all I wanted to do was scream and plead with them to give me half an hour where I could have some space.
We walked up to my room in silence and lay down on my bed. "You okay?" I pressed my lips to his, not wanting to answer that question again. His kiss was softer than usual and almost too gentle. The passion was gone completely. Even when we just had a quick kiss there had always been something there. This time I didn't want to deepen it, didn't want to run my hands through his hair or wrap my legs around his waist.
I eventually gave up and pulled away. He wasn't into it and neither was I. Sighing, I curled up into his side until I fell asleep.
I woke up an hour later feeling only slightly better. Lucas was staring down at me and I really hoped he hadn't been awake and watching me the whole time. How much trouble could I get into while I was asleep?
"Hey," I said.
"Hey, shorty. You feeling okay?"
"Yeah." The sick feeling in my stomach was almost gone. My wrist was another matter though, it still stung like a bitch and if I knocked it I wanted to punch someone. It wasn't even a huge cut so it shouldn't hurt as much as it did.
"Honey," Mum said, knocking on the open door. I sat up and waved my hand for her to come in. "I've just been speaking to Melanie and your session is at five-thirty tomorrow. Is that okay?"
I nodded, playing with my fingers so I wouldn't have to look into her eyes.
"Do you want to come down for dinner? I think you should try eating."
"Sure," I said, biting my lip. But I knew I'd just end up eating something plain and dry rather than a proper dinner.
Lucas's family turned to look at me as I walked into the kitchen. They were over again. It seemed like they were always here now and I knew that it was because they were desperate to pay us back. Their support was nice and I knew Mum loved having someone she could rely on but it was hard to see Carl so much.
I avoided him completely as I sat down. He was okay now, or as okay as he could be since his life expectancy was lowered. He made me feel horrible and selfish. I probably had every reason to feel that way but I didn't take those pills to hurt anyone.
Laid out on the table were about six different dishes: salads, pasta, steak, chicken, and chips. I took a plate and put a little pasta on it. There was no way I was even attempting any kind of meat. The sick feeling may have subsided but I still felt delicate and I couldn't handle anything heavy.
"So, what are you two planning on doing for the next two weeks?" Emily asked me and her son.
Lucas shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. What do you want to do, Tegan?"
"Don't mind," I replied. No doubt it wouldn't be what I wanted to do. He didn't look at me in that way anymore. I appreciated it was a bit too soon for things to heat up but I was scared that he didn't want me anymore and was waiting until I was emotionally stronger to break up with me. All I wanted was for him to show me that we'd be okay, too.
Carl popped a pill in his mouth and took a swig of water. He was so much stronger now compared to when I first met him. I was glad that he was doing well and deep down, although I was still mad at my dad, I was proud of him for giving other people a chance at life.
"You okay, Tegan?" Ava asked. Smiling, I nodded and attempted to eat another mouthful of pasta.
Eating when seven people were 'discretely' watching you was horrible. All eyes on me all the time was suffocating and it was completely my fault.
I ate quickly, finishing just after Lucas and excused myself to my room. Of course I wasn't alone though, Luke followed. We watched TV but didn't really watch it and fell asleep early.
I woke up just before seven, starving and thirsty. A decent night's sleep had done wonders for me and I felt almost human again. I needed food. Creeping out of my room so I didn't wake Lucas, I went down to the kitchen to make some toast.
"Hi," Ava said as I almost bumped into her. She flicked the kettle on and held a mug out, asking if I wanted one.
"No, thanks, I'll just have water."
"You hungry?"
"Starving. I'm making toast, want some?"
For the first time since Dad died we were having a relatively normal conversation where I didn't give her a load of attitude and she didn't look at me like an alien had taken over my body.
"I've just had cereal, thanks. How come you're awake so early on a Sunday?"
Shrugging one shoulder, I popped a slice of bread in the toaster. "Eleven hours sleep probably."
"Lucas still up there?"
"Yeah, he'll probably be out of it for another couple hours at least."
"How're you feeling really? No more sickness? What about your arm?"
"Sickness has gone and arm is okay." It was better since I redressed the bandage and took painkillers. I pulled on the sleeve of my top even though it more than covered my wrist.
I stayed in the kitchen with Ava for a little while and although she watched me like a hawk it was the most time we'd spent together in a long time that we weren't arguing.
An hour later and everyone else started getting up. Mum was immediately fussing over me, asking if I was comfortable, felt sick, felt unhappy, was hungry, was thirsty, or wanted to talk. I wanted an hour where we could be relatively normal and no one was watching for pills in my hands.
"Mum, I'm fine, honestly. I am feeling hungry again though, are you still cooking breakfast?" I wasn't hungry at all but we both needed her to focus on something else for a while.
Lucas and Jake finally came downstairs last just in time to drink their first round of coffee before the food would be ready. Luke pulled his chair closer to mine and sat down.
"Hey," he said, pouring a mug of coffee from the pot.
Tapping the tips of my fingers on my own mug, I replied, "Hey."
"How long have you been up?"
"A couple hours."
"You should've woken me."
I shouldn't be pissed off but I was. He'd never asked me to wake him before. "Why'd I do that? I often wake up first." Even I knew I sounded a little more defensive than was necessary.
His mouth thinned and he busied himself making his drink. Though he didn't reply he knew exactly what I was getting at and that I was right.
I ate a small second breakfast, trying to bat questions back and take the heat away from me. I was getting better at it. Once I'd finished eating I attempted to have a shower but Lucas followed me upstairs.
"Luke, I won't be long, you don't have to wait in my room for me."
He smiled. "I know but I want to."
Want was the wrong word. He felt like he had to in case I tried something stupid again. "I won't do it again."
"I know."
"Then please go downstairs with everyone else like you usually do and I'll be down in ten minutes."
He sat on my bed, considering it while I collected a change of clothes.
Sighing, he replied, "Fine. I'll be downstairs." He left my room in a strop and I really didn't have the energy to worry about it right now. He needed to be away from me for longer than five seconds, too.
Carrying my clothes and a towel into the bathroom, I locked the door and closed my eyes. I finally felt relief that I was alone for a little while.
The stress and shame washed down the drain with the water and I felt ten times better. There was an undertone of lemon in the bathroom as I'd imagine Mum scrubbed it pretty hard all week after my wrist had bled on the floor.
I'd just turned the water off and wrapped my body in a towel when someone knocked on the door. "Tegan, are you okay?" Lucas asked.
"I'm fine, Luke." I'd not even had ten minutes yet.
"Can I come in?"
"I'm just getting ready." I scrubbed the towel over my body, being careful to avoid my wrist. The hot water and steamy air made the cut sting. Through the door I heard my phone ringi
ng. "Can you get my phone, please, Luke? I'll be out in a second," I said, pulling my clothes on quickly.
He didn't respond but I heard him talking on the phone to someone. I opened the door and he walked over to me, holding the phone out. "Guess," he whispered sarcastically and turned around.
I looked at the screen and said, "Hey, Kai." Lucas sat on my bed staring at the floor.
"Hey. Why're you so cheerful?" I asked, sitting down on the bed but not getting too close to Lucas.
"Because we're going to the beach in three weeks."
"We're what?" I asked.
"Holly's rented a beach house for a weekend. Friday after work until Sunday and she's making everyone go. Apparently, it's her last few months of freedom and she wants to enjoy them. You up for it?"
No 'are you going off on the deep end again' question from him.
"Seriously? I'm definitely in. Who else is going?" Lucas finally turned to look at me but I didn't look at him. We'd have that argument when I hung up.
"Me, you, Holly, James, Sophie, Mark, Adam and Ad's girlfriend. I forgot her name."
"Adam's coming, too, wow."
"Yeah. Sophie convinced him. I don't know how and I don't want to." I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"Awesome, I can't wait," I said. God, I needed to get away for a few days more than anything. I had three weeks to convince Mum to let me go.
"Good. I gotta go, I'm meeting my dad. I'll call you later," he said, chuckling.
"Okay, bye." I hung up the phone and took a deep breath.
"So where's he taking you?" Lucas asked tightly.
"He isn't taking me. Holly's booked a beach house so we can all chill before she has the baby."
"Right," he said, staring forward still. Not once had he looked at me since I took the call. Supposedly he was 'okay' with Kai but he'd not done much to prove that.
"Would you be like this if it was Adam that asked me?"
He was silent so we both knew the answer.
"It's different," he said. I looked at him, waiting for an explanation. "You hadn't spent months having sex with Adam."
"No, we just went out for five months a couple years ago," I mumbled. Lucas knew that and he also knew we were only fourteen and it was no big deal. I sighed and moved around so I was facing him and he finally looked at me. "Lucas, do you trust me?"
"I trust you, Tegan."
"What do you think Kai's gonna do? He's a friend and I love you."
His face softened. He put his arm around me and rested his forehead on mine. "I love you, too, and I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't do anything, I just get a little jealous." A little jealous?
"We've talked about this before. I'll always be friends with Kai."
He sighed. "I know, shorty." I think he wanted to say more but he kissed me instead, which I definitely preferred. "So, where are you going?" I smiled and kissed him again.
"To a beach. I didn't ask which one but they're all pretty much the same, right?"
"You didn't ask where?"
I shook my head and shrugged. "It's in England."
He laughed and gently pulled me onto his lap. "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you, too, but it's only for four days and you can catch up with your friends. I've been stealing you so much."
He smiled. "Wanna go see them together now? There's a race this afternoon."
God, I really wanted to get out of this house and get some fresh air. "Heck yeah. I'll grab my hoody."
Lucas never took his eyes off me as I taped a smaller bandage over my wrist and slipped my hoody on. I hated the cut and hated even more that I'd have a scar, but at least I had something to show me where I never wanted to go again. The angry red gash kept me just above water.
Lucas left me getting my phone and putting a little make-up on and went to clear our outing with my mum. She'd say yes to him and we both knew we'd have a better chance if I wasn't there. I couldn't control my mouth when she questioned what I wanted to do. I felt like everything was an attack or a judgement.
I relaxed further when we were in Luke's car and on our way. "So how are you gonna get your mum to agree to let you go to the beach?" he asked.
"I have no idea. Right now she won't let me go in the garden alone."
"Do they all know about what happened?"
"No, just Kai." I thought about telling Sophie but I wasn't sure how she'd react and I couldn't handle her looking at me like I was made of glass or had gone insane. "I don't want anyone else to know."
"Of course," he replied.
"You know they'll all be too drunk to realise if they've left you at the beach, right?" he said. "Well, except for Holly. She'll look out for you, won't she?"
I nodded and he seemed happier about me going, not that he shouldn't. If he was going away with friends I'd tell him to have a good time and have a drink for me.
I didn't need looking after but I wasn't in the best position to argue that. "I'll be fine but Holly will definitely be looking our for everyone. She's firmly in mum-mode now."
We finally pulled up next to Danny's car and Lucas ran round to open the door for me. I stretched up and kissed him, making him smile. Lucas and Danny slapped hands. There was some girl here with him, too, but she looked nothing like Barbie. She was pretty, taller than me - but that wasn't hard - and had hair that I couldn't decide if it was dark blonde or light brown.
Lucas turned around. "Annie, hey," he hugged her and they kissed each other on the cheek. I was pissed off but only by the double standards. Lucas grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. "Tegan, this is Annie."
"Hi," I said.
She nodded and replied, "Hey, Tegan."
"Alright, race time," Danny said, bouncing up and down like a child.
He and Lucas left me with Annie and went to get Danny's car ready. I could've kicked him for leaving me with someone I didn't know. I smiled up at Annie. "You staying to watch?"
She nodded. "Yeah, let's make our way over to the wall." Last time I didn't sit on one of falling down walls. Two reasons: it was full of half naked women at the time, and I could barely move through fear.
We hopped up and waited for the race. "So, how long have you known Lucas?"
"We went to school together, so a while."
"I can't imagine Luke at school."
"He was the naughty kid, always getting sent out of class for doing or saying something wrong," she said. "He turned into a bit of a ladies' man in his teenage years. Well, until we got together." She smiled shyly and her cheeks turned pink. She hadn't figured me out yet and wasn't sure if she should've said anything.
Most people had a past. Mine was far too colourful for me to get pissed off that Lucas had an ex! "How long were you together for?"
"On and off for about a year. I don't think we were together for longer than about two or three months at a time, though."
"Hey, shorty." Lucas stood in between my legs and kissed me.
"I was just talking to Annie and about to get her to dish the dirt."
He looked horrified and widened his eyes at her. Laughing, she winked at me. Wow, out of all the women here the only one I liked was the one that had actually slept with my boyfriend.
She jumped off the wall and said over her shoulder. "Back in a minute, just going to wish Danny luck."
When she was out of earshot, I wrapped my arms around his neck and said, "So, you didn't mention she's an ex." He groaned, looking uncomfortable. "It's fine, Luke. You had a life before me and I'm really not that jealous or insecure."
He nodded and kissed me. "I'll talk to your mum for you, get her to agree to you going away. I think it'll be good for you to have some fun with your friends."
"I love you," I said.
"Love you, too," he said before kissing me properly and making my toes curl. He's back. We're back. Finally.
Chapter Forty-Four
Tegan
I woke up to Lucas, Mum and Ava in my room looking at me. It was creepy and starting the day with a mini
heart attack sucked. Mum's eyes snapped to my wrist and I looked away, shoving my arm under the cover. It didn't hurt now and the redness was subsiding but it might as well be neon red and glowing. Everyone spotted it and I was feeling really self-conscious.
It'd been almost two weeks since I got home and no one had left me alone for more than five minutes. And I was counting. Showers were super quick because if I'd been in there longer than a couple minutes someone would knock on the door until I was done.
Having so many people care enough to watch over me was pretty overwhelming but so was having them standing over me all the time. It was like they were just waiting for me to fuck up again and I was working on making sure I wouldn't.
Since getting back Mum had also put me on lockdown from school. I was ready to go back and get my life on track again but she didn't think so. I was giving her one more week and then I was going with or without her blessing. I'd worked hard to catch up once and I already had some work to do. I didn't want to do it again.
"Morning, honey. Do you want breakfast in bed or downstairs?" I looked at her for a minute. Was that really my mother? "Tegan?" she prompted.
"I'll come down," I said, shaking my head. We weren't usually allowed to eat upstairs and it bothered me, for the first time ever, that it was an option now. For someone who claimed she wanted everything back to normal she wasn't doing a good job of actually doing it. The only relief I got was when Kai picked me up to take me to his parents' so I could have my twice-weekly sessions with Melanie. The second I got in his car and shut the door I felt human again rather than a pet project. I was so thankful that I had a session today.
When Mum and Ava walked out I turned to Lucas. "How long have they been in here?"
"Not long."
Liar.
Sighing, I got out of bed. "Let's go eat." I didn't need to look around to know he'd be following in a second; he didn't give me an inch of space.
I slipped a hoody on before I went downstairs so I wouldn't have to see Mum get that pained look in her eyes whenever she saw my wrist. Kai texted as I reached the kitchen asking if I wanted to go to Holly's for a pizza night with the guys tonight. I wanted to, really badly needed some time where I could relax but I wasn't sure if that'd be allowed.
Taking mugs out of the cupboard for tea and coffee, I swallowed my nerves and turned to Mum. "Can I go to Holly's tonight, please?"
"I don't think tonight's a good idea, Tegan."