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by Ashley Jade
The lights are turned off when I walk into the room and a nurse is at her bedside positioning her on her side.
“Just a few minutes,” she whispers.
I suppress the urge to tell her to fuck off.
They change shifts soon and the nurse coming in is a little more understanding of my need to see Sawyer whenever the hell I want.
I wait until she slips out the door and crawl into the bed with her.
I’m probably not supposed to, but a bulk of the machines are gone now, and I need to be close to her.
“Hey, you,” I whisper, draping my arm around her and reaching for her hand. “Wake up whenever you’re ready, okay?” I kiss the spot below her ear. “I’ll be here.”
My chest ripples with relief and appreciation when she squeezes my hand.
I look up at the ceiling. “Thank you.”
He came through for me…I know he did.
Chapter 95
Sawyer
Waking up from a coma feels like being told you attended some epic wild party…that you have absolutely no recollection of.
At first you have no idea why everyone is making such a big deal about it…until they start filling you in on all the pieces you missed.
I had a heart attack—or cardiac arrest—depending on which parent of mine you talk to.
I was in a coma for seven days. Yikes.
And the scariest of all…I was taken off life support. Holy shit.
No wonder my parents are looking at me like I’m a ghost. I almost was.
“Are you okay?”
“Do you need anything?”
“Is there anything we can get you?”
“Are you cold?”
“Do you want a blanket?”
“What’s two plus two?”
My head swirls as I try to process all these questions.
“I think she needs a little more time,” Cole says, wrapping his arm around my waist. Despite the nurses trying to kick him out of my bed, he refuses to leave. Which is just fine by me. “We need to give her some space.”
Thank God someone said it. As happy as I am to see everyone—and to be alive—I need a minute to play catch up and get my bearings.
“What’s the last thing you remember?” Mama questions. “What’s five plus five?”
Daddy giving me CPR in the bathroom and ten.
I open my mouth to answer, but Daddy sighs.
“Jolene, will you stop?”
“I’m just trying to make sure she’s not brain damaged.”
Say what? “Brain damaged?”
The terror in my voice must be evident because Cole barks, “Out. Now. The doctors specifically told us to take it slow and you’re scaring the shit out of her.”
Nodding, Daddy points to the door. “You heard him.”
Mama looks like she wants to argue but stalks off instead.
Well, okay then.
My eyes ping-pong between Cole and my dad. “Do I have brain damage?”
They exchange a worried glance.
“Do you feel like you do?” Cole asks.
I think about this for a second and decide even if I did, it probably isn’t something I’d be aware of anyway. “No?”
A smile plays on his lips. “I think you’ll be just fine, Bible Thumper.”
I look at my dad. “You gave me CPR.”
His forehead wrinkles. “Of course, I did.”
“I thought you hated me,” I whisper.
I thought everyone hated me.
The pain in his eyes is unmistakable. “Never in a million years, sweetheart.”
My throat prickles as I reach for his hand. “I hate fighting with you. Let’s never do it again, okay?”
Smiling, he gives it a squeeze. “Deal.” Wiping away tears, he stands up. “Is there anything you want? Anything I can get you?”
Water. Lots and lots of water. My mouth feels like the Sahara.
“Am I allowed to have water?”
He juts his head toward the door. “Let me go find out. If so, I’ll bring you the best water I can find, okay?”
“Sounds perfect.”
He’s walking to the door when I halt him. “Daddy?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
It feels like forever since I’ve told him and that is not okay. Especially after what happened.
His eyes become glassy. “I love you too, sweetheart.”
I turn to Cole. “You.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Yeah?”
I lean my forehead against his. “I love you, too.”
A triumphant grin plays on his lips. “I know.”
An awkward silence descends as we both tiptoe around the elephant in the room.
I can’t even imagine how he feels. If Cole kept something like this from me, and then almost died because of it…I’d be utterly devastated.
His pain trumps any embarrassment I feel.
“I’m so sorry.”
Anger tightens his features. “Are you done?”
“Done?”
“Taking pills to lose weight you didn’t need to lose to begin with and lying to me about it?”
Wow…talk about a loaded question.
I mean the obvious answer is yes…I don’t want to die.
But my head space regarding my weight? I don’t know how to answer that. I’m one hot mess right now.
The only thing I can tell him is the truth.
“I almost lost you and everyone else I care about.” I grab his face. “I don’t ever want that to happen again. I’m done taking Adderall.”
Bringing my hand to his mouth, he kisses the inside of my wrist. “Then I accept your apology. But you better believe I’m going to be on your ass about this.” Deep lines of pain form along his forehead and his voice drops to a whisper. “I thought you were going to die, Sawyer.” His hurt is so tangible I feel it blazing right through me. “I thought you gave up on me…on us.”
A deep ache fills my chest. I hate what I put him through.
Choking back emotions that feel like razor blades, I utter, “I promised that would never happen.”
I meant it.
The only thing I remember from my coma was feeling like someone was waiting for me and that I needed to get to them as soon as possible.
That someone was my Colton.
Colton who’s looking at me with so much love it takes my breath away. “I love you, Bible Thumper.”
“I love you,” I tell him again, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from what happened, it’s that you can never tell the people you care about that you love them enough.
You never know what words might be your last.
He goes to kiss me, but I stop him. “I’ve been in a coma for seven days, remember?”
“I don’t give a fuck,” he says before he slams his mouth against mine.
My dad clears his throat. “I got you some water.” He glares daggers at Cole. “One of these days I’m gonna shoot your ass.”
Cole just smiles. “No, you won’t.”
“Hey,” Dylan says as she taps on the door. “Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
She takes a few steps forward, then hesitates, wringing her hands. “I’m really sorry—”
“Dylan.”
She has nothing to apologize for.
Our eyes meet…and then she’s running and we’re wrapping our arms around each other.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I’m so sorry.”
“I love you,” she whispers. “You scared me so much.”
My chest constricts as I hug her tighter. “I love you, too. I’m so sorry.”
She edges away, cupping my face in her hands. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, Sawyer.”
Oh, man. I was already teary-eyed, now she’s going to make me cry so hard I’ll have snot coming out of my nose.
“I—”
A knock at the door cuts me off.
&n
bsp; “Sorry to interrupt,” some woman says. “But I need to speak with Sawyer privately.”
Uh-oh. This can’t be good.
I’ve been awake for almost two whole days now and I’ve never seen this woman in my life.
Dylan looks between us before her gaze lands on me. “I’ll be right outside, okay?”
I want to tell her not to leave, but this woman doesn’t look like she’d approve.
“Okay.”
She gives my hand a squeeze before she walks off. “Can I get you anything while I’m gone? Juice? Wat—”
“Are you still my best friend?”
Her smile reaches her eyes. “Always.”
I return her smile. “Then I’m good.”
My eyes drift to the woman pulling up a chair beside my bed.
Like me, she has brown hair and brown eyes…only her eyes are harsh.
Like she means business.
Oh, boy.
“Hi.” I gulp. “Who are you?”
“My name is Sandy. I’m one of the psychologists here at the hospital. Your father asked me to come down and speak with you.”
Geez. You’d think he would have mentioned something about that when we talked earlier. “Oh. Why?”
She studies my face. “I specialize in eating disorders.”
I almost fall right out of bed.
“It’s nice to meet you, but I think there’s been a mistake. I don’t have an eating disorder.”
She taps her pen against her pad. “So how did you end up here then?” She cocks her head to the side, assessing me. “Is it because you’re addicted to amphetamines?”
I’ve never been so stumped in my life. I feel like I’m in the hot seat of all hot seats.
“Well, no…not exactly. I was only taking the Adderall, so I wasn’t hungry, and I’d keep losing we…” My voice trails off as the lightbulb goes on. “Shit.”
Her harsh eyes soften a fraction. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
I don’t think I could say no even if I wanted to. “Yeah?”
“Before the Adderall, how often did you think about your weight and food?”
I try to calm my shaking hands, but it’s no use. “A lot.”
She scribbles something else down in her notepad. “Weekly? Daily? Multiple times a day?”
“At least once every hour,” I admit.
Nodding, she smiles sympathetically. “Eating disorders aren’t always anorexia or bulimia, Sawyer. And to be frank? It sounds like you have some major issues with not only food, but how you view yourself.”
She’s not wrong.
I blow out a ragged breath. “Yeah…you may have a point there.”
She places her pen and pad down. “I have to ask you another very serious question.”
“Okay.”
“If I told you—after you’re discharged, of course—that I wanted you to come to my inpatient eating disorder clinic for three weeks…and then meet with me for weekly sessions after. What would you say?”
I’d say—holy shit…that’s a lot to take in.
“I’d say I’m nervous,” I settle on, before it occurs to me. “I’d also say I have graduation coming up and—”
“We can have your school send your assignments to the clinic so you won’t fall behind.” She folds her hands in her lap. “But the thing is…this won’t work and I can’t help you if you don’t want it. You have to want it.”
Tears prickle the back of my throat. “I know I want to feel better about myself. I know I don’t want to go back to using Adderall to lose weight.”
“That’s a good place to start.” Looking at her watch, she says, “What do you know, I have the next hour free. Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?”
Part of me wants to run away from confronting these issues because it’s scary as hell.
However, the biggest part of me, the one beating in my chest—the one that almost died because I never felt good enough—wants to get better for myself.
And for the people I love.
Chapter 96
Sawyer
I’m about to stand up and get some walking in, because despite how sore I am, these dang nurses keep insisting I move around, when there’s a soft knock on the door.
“I can come back if you’re busy,” Bianca says.
She looks like she’s about to make a dash for it, but I halt her. “No, come in.”
She takes a few timid steps inside. “I just came because I wanted to make sure you were okay. I would have come sooner, but I figured I’d give you a few days to adjust and—”
I stop her because she’s starting to ramble. “I’m glad you’re here.”
She fidgets, looking so uncomfortable I have to stifle a laugh. “I’m sorry about all those mean things I said. I didn’t…I just wanted to help you get back at those bitches. I didn’t mean to…I didn’t think—”
“It’s okay.”
I know deep down—way deep down—Bianca meant well.
“I…um. I hope we can still be friends. I understand if you don’t want that.” Her eyes become glassy. “But, I uh…I don’t really have a lot of people I trust—”
“Of course we’re still friends,” I assure her.
This girl is out of her mind, but I know there’s a huge heart underneath all her bravado.
Her face lights up. “Really?”
I’m about to answer, but before I can blink, she puts her arms around me…sort of.
It’s the most awkward hug I’ve ever experienced in my life, but something tells me Bianca doesn’t do it a lot—or ever—so I’m okay with it.
This is a big step for her.
“I’m so glad you didn’t croak. It means I still have time to talk you into getting side bangs.”
And there she is.
A sigh escapes me. “Yes, yes, you do.”
We break apart and she ambles to the door.
“Oh, before I forget. Do you remember when I called you a five?”
“Yeah.”
She averts her gaze. “Yeah, well…I was a fucking idiot.” Those brown orbs find mine. “Truth is…you’re really a ten, Church girl.”
My mouth drops open in mock-shock. “Wow, a ten?”
“Well, a nine point eight.” She winks. “You’ll be a solid ten after those side bangs.”
Cole’s brows furrow. “Need anything?”
“I’m actually kind of…hungry.”
I’ve been snacking on hospital food for the last six days, but I’m so over it.
My appetite is back with a vengeance and this girl needs some real food.
He smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I bet. The food here sucks. Want anything in particular?”
“I’ll take whatever. As long as it’s not oatmeal or soup.”
“You got it.” Dipping his head, he gives me a quick kiss. “Be back in a bit.”
God, I love him so much, sometimes I feel like I could burst right open like a piñata at a kid’s party.
Settling back against the bed, I reach for the remote.
I’m about to turn on some reality TV to pass the time when there’s a knock on my door.
Oakley.
I was hoping he’d come visit me.
I’ve wanted to make things right with him so badly, but I didn’t want to do it over the phone.
He deserves a face-to-face apology.
I quickly sit up. “Hey.”
His expression is so somber my heart falls.
“What’s wron—”
I don’t even get the words out before he’s wrapping his arms around me so tightly, I can barely breathe.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer.”
I have no idea what he’s talking about. If anyone needs to apologize, it’s me.
When I pull back to look at him, there are tears in his eyes.
It breaks my fucking heart.
“For what, Oak? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I never should have gotten you the pills. You a
lmost died because of me.”
Humble pie for one, please. “No. I almost died because of me. You only got me Adderall because I asked you to.” I frame his face with my hands. “I’m the one who’s sorry. The manipulation…the awful things I said. I didn’t mean any of it.” Now I’m the one who’s crying. “Not a damn word. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. I’m so sorry I hur—”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Cole growls.
I snap my gaze to the door. “Whoa. What’s your problem?”
Cole slams the bag he’s carrying on my tray table. “I don’t want him anywhere near you.”
Yeah, something is definitely wrong.
Oakley’s about to leave, but I tug on his arm. “No. You stay.” He looks like he wants to protest, but I don’t let him. “Please.”
Anger flashes across Cole’s face. “Oakley’s the reason you almost ended up in a coffin and you want him to stay? What the fuck, Sawyer?”
“I’m the reason I almost ended up in a coffin, Cole.”
It’s obvious there’s a huge misconception and I need to fix it pronto.
It also doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if Cole thinks Oakley’s responsible for putting me in the hospital…he’s probably not the only one.
“I need you to get everyone in here.”
Cole blinks. “Why—”
“Now,” I snap. And because I know how stubborn he can be, I add, “Don’t argue with the girl who had a heart attack.”
Cole’s eyes become saucers and he quickly backpedals to the door. “I’ll be right back.”
Puzzled, Oakley peers down at me. “What are you doing?”
I reach for his hand. “This isn’t your fault, Oak.”
And I’m going to prove it.
My grandfather and uncle went home—but fortunately my parents, Dylan, Jace, and Bianca are still roaming the halls.
Once everyone is inside, I unleash the truth bomb.
“I told Oakley I wanted Adderall to help me study. That’s why he got it for me. He thought he was helping me since he knew how crazy my schedule was and how I was running myself into the ground trying to keep up with my schoolwork. When he realized I was losing weight, he confronted me about it. However, I assured him everything was fine, and I was only taking the pills to study.”