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by Ashley Jade
I guess I’m an idiot because that doesn’t make sense. “But she’s—”
“They’ve been weaning her off the medication…so she should have started showing signs.” Emotion clogs his throat. “The doctor said they’ll give it some more time though because she’s so young. However, even if she does come back, he said she won’t be…she’ll be different.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means brain damage, Cole. But we won’t really know until she wakes up.” Tears slide down his cheek. “If she ever wakes up.”
Infuriation courses through me as I stand up. “She will.”
She has to.
“The doctor thinks you have brain damage,” I tell her. “I know it’s scary and it really sucks, but…we’ll make it through this.” I squeeze her hand. “Truth be told, you’re so damn smart…a little brain damage might enable the rest of us to finally catch up with you…you know?”
Leaning over her bed, I place my lips on her forehead. “Whatever happens when you come back to me…I’ll still love you. And I promise I’ll never ever fucking leave you. Just please, Sawyer. Come back to me.”
Because without her…there is no me.
“I’m sorry I said those things the other day,” Dylan says beside me. “I was angry and devastated.”
I turn to look at her. “And now?”
“I’m fucking petrified.” She starts sobbing so hard she shakes. “Her mom doesn’t think she’ll make it.”
That doesn’t surprise me one bit. She’s always thought the worst of her daughter…why would now be any different?
“Her mom is a cunt.”
She snorts through her tears. “Yeah, she is. God, she really fucking is.”
I cut my gaze to hers. “Don’t give up on her.”
“I won’t…I just.” Her bottom lips quivers. “I miss her.”
I miss her, too.
“Get out.”
Mrs. Church stares at me with wide eyes. “I beg your pardon?”
“You have no right to see her when you’re going around telling people she won’t make it.” I grab her by the elbow and haul her ass back out to the hallway. “Get the fuck out.”
She struggles against me, but I’m stronger. “Get your hands off me right now before I call security.”
Mr. Church rushes over to us. “What the hell is going on?”
Face full of shock, she peers up at her husband. “Cole is trying to kick me out of my own daughter’s room.”
Hell fucking yeah, I am. Sawyer can’t speak right now, so I’ll speak for her.
“A daughter you don’t fucking deserve,” I seethe as I look at Sawyer’s dad. “You know as well as I do, she’s a big reason Sawyer started taking those pills, sir.” I turn my glare on her. “Maybe no one has the guts to say it to your face, but I will. You’re poison. A horrible fucking mother. You might be pretty on the outside, but you sure as hell are hideous on the inside.”
She slaps me. Hard. But I don’t care.
“I’ll never understand how someone as beautiful as Sawyer ever came out of someone as ugly as you.”
She rears back. “How dare you.”
“How dare you, lady. How dare you make your daughter feel like she’s not good enough when she is everything that is right with the world. How dare you give up on her when she’s fighting like hell to come back to me.” I look at Mr. Church. “There is never a reason good enough to stay with someone who treats her own flesh and blood like she does. Ever.”
Mr. Church’s eyebrows shoot up. “I—”
“Cole’s right,” Dylan says behind me. “I was there for one of the dress fittings. Sawyer had already lost a little weight at that point and was feeling good about herself. I don’t think she was looking to lose more, but your wife insisted she needed too.”
He turns his now livid eyes on his wife. “Jolene—”
“It was a wedding,” she screams. “My gosh, you people are acting like I told her to starve herself. I had no idea she was taking pills to lose the weight. I never would have been okay with that.” She jabs a finger in the air. “I just wanted her to be healthy with some diet and exercise. That doesn’t make me a bad mother.”
Mr. Church makes a painful noise in his throat. “What about happy?”
Jolene looks like that’s a foreign concept to her. “I don’t—”
“You spent so much time worrying about her weight and what other people thought…but zero worrying about her happiness.” His expression is etched with pain as he brushes past her. “You make me sick.”
“Well, I told your mother off,” I inform her. “And before you get mad, I don’t regret it. Not one single bit. She needed to hear how much she was hurting you.” I kiss her hand. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you again, Sawyer. Not without me hurting them right back and making them pay.”
I kiss her forehead. “I just need you to wake up so I can prove it to you.”
Because without her…there is no me.
“I spoke to the coach at Duke’s Heart,” Jace says. “He sends his…” he stops short before he finishes his sentence. “He told me to have you to give him a call and reschedule whenever you’re able to.”
I don’t care.
The only thing I care about is her.
He squeezes my shoulder. “You’ve been here for five days. I think you should go home and rest for a bit. Or at least take a shower.”
No. I need to be here the second she wakes up.
Because she will wake up.
She has to.
“I’m obviously not doing something right. Something that you need…so why don’t you just give me a hint…some small clue…so I can fucking do it.”
Nothing.
I kiss her hand. “Please, Sawyer. It’s been six days already.”
I miss her voice. Her eyes. Her sass. Her smell.
I miss every single fucking thing about her.
Gripping her hand tighter, I grit out, “You love me, don’t you?” I run my thumb along her forehead. “Then wake the fuck up…please.”
I bring my fist to my mouth, stuffing down the agony. “I’ll give you anything you want, Bible Thumper. Any fucking thing you want. I just need you to come back to me.”
I try to take a breath past the crushing weight on my chest, but it feels impossible “We’re gonna get through this, right?”
Nothing. Not even an eye flutter.
“Fine. A bet brought us together, so how about we make another one?” I swallow the lump rising in my throat. “I’ll marry you, give you a million goddamn babies, and buy us a huge house we’ll grow old together in. I’ll give you forever and always, Sawyer.” I dip my head so my lips hover above her ear, “All you have to do is wake up.”
Because without her…there is no me.
Chapter 93
Cole
It’s eerily quiet in the small chapel.
Looking around, I realize it’s completely empty.
Must be a sign.
The doctor asked to speak to Sawyer’s parents privately a little while ago. I’m hoping it’s because they have some good news.
But just to make sure…I’m here.
“Let’s get one thing straight,” I tell the large cross on the altar. “I don’t believe in you…but she does.”
And I believe in her.
“Unfortunately, she can’t be here, because she’s not doing too well at the moment.” I kneel down in front of the altar. “Bottom line…I need you to fix her.”
I need her back.
“Unlike me, she’s a really good person. She’s caring and compassionate. She’s—” Emotion clogs my throat, so I clear it and try again. “She’s everything I’m not in all the best ways.” My vision goes hazy and I hold out my arm, bracing myself against a pew. “Here’s the thing…I promised my girl forever and always, and there’s no way I can give that to her if she’s not here. Therefore, I need you to do the right thing and fix her. Not because I deserve it…but because she do
es.”
On shaky legs, I stand, pure rage mixed with panic now flowing through my veins. “Don’t you take her from me, motherfucker. You took my mom and Liam…but I will not let you take her. I will fight you tooth and fucking nail.” I glare at the cross. “Each and every one of them. Do you hear me?”
Blowing out a breath, I shove my hands into my pockets. “Glad we reached an understanding.”
I turn to walk away…and find Mr. Church standing there.
I expect him to start yelling at me, but he doesn’t.
With a heavy breath, he starts walking down the aisle. “I haven’t stepped foot inside a church in over two years.”
“Why?”
He walks to a pew in the middle row and takes a seat. “Let’s just say God and I had a little disagreement about something.” He looks up at the cross. “I wish I had forgiven him sooner…maybe then I wouldn’t be here begging for his forgiveness now.” Sad eyes turn to me and he pats the space next to him. “Come have a seat, Cole.”
I don’t like the feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach. “Why?”
“I know you want to fight everything in the world right now. I get it. But I really need you to sit down, son.”
Begrudgingly, I do.
I look at him the second my ass hits the wood. “What did the doctor say?”
He visibly swallows. “What I’m about to tell you is the hardest thing…” My throat knots up when he grips the pew in front of him. “She fought so hard…but she…”
The room starts spinning. “Why are you talking about her in the past tense?”
“The doctor…a whole team of them actually…they don’t think she’s coming back.”
Then they don’t know my girl.
“They’re idiots—” I start to say, but he cuts me off.
“It’s been seven days, Cole. If she was going to make it…she’d be giving us signs by now.” A guttural sound leaves him. “Jolene and I…we don’t want her to be in any more pain.”
No. This can’t be happening.
I stand up. “Fuck you.”
“I know you’re angry—”
I’m so beyond angry they haven’t invented the word for it.
“She’s your daughter. How could you just—”
“I am doing what is best for her.” He rises from his seat, tears welling in his eyes. “I was there when that special girl came into this world. The moment she took her first breath. I never planned on being there for her last.” He places both hands on the pew, his body heaving with sobs. “But it’s not up to me anymore.”
He’s wrong. “Yes, it is. You don’t have to—”
“I will not make her keep fighting when it’s clear she’s had enough. I won’t put my baby girl through that.” He bangs on his chest. “Trust me, it’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life.”
“Then don’t make it.”
Don’t take her from me.
“I don’t want her to suffer any longer. If God wants her home…it’s out of my hands.”
The tone of his voice makes it clear it’s his final decision.
“Fuck your God.”
I feel like my chest is made out of glass and he just took a sledgehammer to it.
I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating.
No…not suffocating. Breaking. Bit by bit. Piece by fucked up piece.
“They’re removing the ventilator and shutting off the machines within the next hour or so. You can be there if you want, but I understand if you can’t.”
Everything passes in a whirl as I trudge up to the waiting room.
Given everyone’s eyes are puffy and glassy…I take it Jolene told them all the news.
Expression full of sorrow, Jace walks over and wraps his arms around me. “I’m so fucking sorry, Cole.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a priest with a bible in his hand talking to Sawyer’s grandfather and uncle.
The very same priest who presided over mom and Liam’s funeral.
No.
Pushing Jace out of the way, I march over to Sawyer’s goldfish tank of a hospital room and bang my fist against the glass. “You fucking promised.”
My voice is so thick with tears they’re the only words I can get out.
She made me promise not to leave her…and I made her promise not to ever give up on me.
But only one of us is breaking theirs.
Wherever she goes…I go too.
Because without her there is no me.
Chapter 94
Cole
I’m running as fast as I can, but not enough to outrun the pain pummeling me.
I’m dizzy and nauseous as I swing open the front door to my house and fly up the staircase.
If by some crazy chance Heaven does exist, I know that’s where Sawyer will be.
I can’t say the same about myself…but it doesn’t matter.
Living in a world without Sawyer isn’t an option for me. In fact, it’s my very definition of Hell.
And what I’m about to do? Well, that’s just my karma.
I grab the rope from under Liam’s bed.
I found it a few weeks after he was gone…turns out he took it from the garage. Almost like he’d been planning it for some time.
The broken thing in my chest feels like it’s going to explode as I open the closet door.
My mother used to tell us the most profound love stories were also the most tragic.
Me and Sawyer’s love story is no different.
But as pissed as I am that our time together was so short…I am so fucking grateful I had the chance to love her at all.
I only wish she loved herself enough.
Sawyer loved all my pain away…but I couldn’t do the same for her.
I failed.
And now I finally know what Liam must have felt when he was in this closet.
He needed someone to love his pain away too…but that never happened.
Because he didn’t have a Sawyer.
I got to experience something he never did.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him as I sit on the floor of his closet.
Clutching the rope in my hand, I blow out a few breaths…and wait for that all too familiar twinge to strike my chest.
The one that tells me she’s gone.
Because I’ll be right behind her.
Maybe that makes me a coward for not being strong enough, but I don’t fucking care.
Unless you’ve had your soulmate ruthlessly ripped away from you like I have…you don’t get to judge me and my actions.
You don’t get to determine if my pain was bearable or not.
You don’t get to dictate how much of it I can endure.
Closing my eyes, I utter a final plea. “You don’t owe me a damn thing, Liam. But if you have any kind of pull up there. Please, bring her back to me. I need h—”
The closet door swings open.
“Jesus Christ,” Jace roars. “What the fuck are you doing?”
This is not something I anticipated. I thought they’d both still be at the hospital.
Then again, I ran out of there like a bat out of hell, so I should have known better.
“Oh, my God,” Bianca shrieks, running up behind him. “Why—how…” A strangled sob leaves her. “How could you?”
I tell them the truth. “I don’t want to be here if she’s not.”
Kneeling, Jace grabs the rope from my hands. “And I don’t want to lose another person I love. Especially like this.” He scrubs a hand down his face. “I know it hurts…I can’t even fucking imagine how bad, but no way in fucking hell am I letting you check out on me.”
“You can’t leave us, Cole,” Bianca whispers. “We love you.”
They don’t understand. “It’s not that I don’t love you too…I do.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die…I just don’t—”
“I get it,” Jace says. “I honestly do. But you can’t abandon the p
eople who are still here…the people who still love you.”
Grabbing me by the neck, he drags me forward until our heads knock together and growls, “Losing you would fucking destroy me, little brother. Is that what you fucking want?”
It’s not. “No.”
“Good.” He releases me. “Then don’t ever—and I mean ever—pull this shit again. No matter what happens.”
Bianca wipes her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t even know—”
The sound of Jace’s phone ringing cuts her off.
He brings it to his ear. “Hey. I’ll be back—wait…what?” His face screws up. “Are you serious?” Eyes-wide, he looks at me. “Hold on, baby.” He clamps a hand on my shoulder. “I know you don’t believe in God…but do you believe in miracles?”
“I have no idea.”
I’ve never had one before.
He grins. “Well, you should, asshole. Because a few seconds after they removed the ventilator and shut down the machines, Sawyer started breathing on her own…and squeezed her dad’s hand.”
“Holy shit,” Bianca exclaims.
Jace nods. “I know—”
I don’t hear the end of his sentence because I’m already running out of the room.
“What does it mean?”
Mr. Church sucks in a sharp breath. “We don’t know just yet…she’s still very out of it. The doctor said she probably won’t be fully conscious ‘til the morning. But the fact that she’s breathing on her own and was able to grab my hand…is—”
“A miracle.”
He smiles. “Exactly.” His smile grows. “It was a firm grip too, Cole. Almost like she knew it was me.”
That’s music to my fucking ears.
“Can I go in and see her?”
“You can, but the doctors said not to disturb her. Everyone needs to be calm around her and let her rest.”
I can do that. Hell, as long as Sawyer is alive, I can do anything.