by Vi Keeland
When I called her tonight, though, I needed so much more than her reassurance. I missed her so fucking much and felt like I was going to lose it if I couldn’t be with her soon. Even though we had been talking on the phone, it had been several weeks since we had seen each other. The need to be with her physically was becoming unbearable. I wanted to show her just how badly I needed her.
“What are you doing right now?” I asked.
“I just finished the dishes, a typical exciting night here at home here in the boonies. How are you?”
“I miss you.”
“That’s funny because I was just thinking about how much I miss you.”
I closed my eyes wishing more than anything that she was with me. “Well, I was just thinking about how much I love you.”
“I love you too.” She paused then said, “You know that, right? I feel like things have been so stressful lately and I haven’t said it much, but that’s never gone away, Jake, not even for a second.”
I was going to explode.
“Can you go into your room?”
“Yes. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I just want to make sure you’re alone.”
“Hold on. I’m walking to my room.” The phone made a staticky sound as she walked. “Okay, I’m here.”
“Close the door and lock it.”
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yeah, baby, I am. There is just something I really need to show you right now.”
“The door is closed. What’s going on?”
I let out a deep breath into the phone and made myself comfortable on the bed. I hoped she would play along with me. “You locked it?”
“Yes.”
“How much do you miss me?”
“I feel like I can’t keep staying away from you. I’ve really tried to do the right thing, but—”
“I would give anything to bury myself inside you right now, Nina.”
“I am pretty sure I’d let you tonight.”
“Fuck. I wish you were here. I’m lying down. Are you lying down?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
From the sound of her voice, I knew she was on board and had figured out where I was going with this.
“Close your eyes.”
“Okay…closed.”
“Pretend I am there with you right now, baby. Can you feel me?”
She whispered. “Yes.”
“Take off your underwear.”
“I’m not wearing any.”
“Say what?”
“I’m wearing a dress.”
“With no underwear?”
She giggled. “Yeah.”
Well, shit.
“Fuck…lift up your dress, then,” I said gruffly.
“Okay…”
“Promise me something.”
“Yes.”
“You won’t touch yourself.”
“What?”
“You will not touch yourself…until I tell you. Okay? Can you do that?”
She breathed heavily into the phone. “Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
I knew she was telling the truth. Nina was honest to a fault.
“Spread your legs open for me.”
“Okay…”
“Wider.”
“Alright.”
“I’m going to lick all the way down your body now. Can you feel my tongue? It’s at the base of your neck, and I’m slowly…going down.”
It felt like her breathing was penetrating the phone. “Uh-huh.”
“Lift one of your breasts to your mouth and lick it. Pretend I’m doing it to you.”
She didn’t say anything, but I could hear the sound of her tongue lapping against her own skin, and I nearly came from it. I closed my eyes and tried to bring myself back from the brink.
“I’m licking in between your tits, going lower. I have my thumb on your clit while I am kissing your stomach, and I can’t wait to taste you.”
Nina sighed again but wasn’t saying anything.
“Are you turned on right now?”
“Yes,” she breathed out.
“I know. I can practically taste it from where I am. My mouth is watering. Can I devour you?”
Her breathing became heavier. “Mmm-hmm.”
“I am moving my tongue up and down your clit now. Shit…you taste so sweet. Does that feel good?”
“Yeah.”
“Where are your hands?”
She let out a slight laugh. “Clutching my sheets for dear life.”
“Good. Keep them there while I tease you with my tongue ring. You like it when I flick it hard over your clit, don’t you?” I smiled to myself. I knew she loved that.
“Oh…God.”
I was so turned on but vowed to not touch myself either. It was extremely hard…and I was harder.
“Do you want me inside of you?”
“Yes…very much.”
“I am going to rub my cock against your opening now. Are you ready, Nina?”
“Yes…I am so wet.”
“Yeah, I know you are. I can feel it now as I am rubbing my tip against you.”
“Jake…”
“I don’t know who’s wetter right now, you or me. Open your legs wider,” I commanded.
“I need to touch myself, Jake.”
“Not yet. Just a little longer, baby.”
“Ugh.” She sighed in frustration.
“How much do you want me inside of you?”
“More than anything…so badly.”
“My dick is so hard right now. I need to fuck you.”
“Please…fuck me.”
“Do you want to touch yourself while I do it?”
“Yes…yes…please…now.”
“I’m gonna fuck you a little first, and then I’ll tell you when it’s okay.”
“Now.”
“Not yet.”
“Please.”
“I’m entering you now. Can you feel me filling you?”
“Yes…yes.”
“I’m balls deep now. Shit…you feel incredible.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I unzipped my pants and started stroking my cock.
“Jake…I need to touch myself.”
“Do you feel that, Nina? How much you want it…like you’d die for it? That…that…is what I wanted to show you…how I feel when I can’t touch you and when you tell me I can’t have you. I never want to feel that again.”
I jerked myself off faster knowing she was going to lose it. I wanted to come the moment she did. “Touch yourself now…now.”
Her breathing became rapid, and I knew she was finally satisfying the need with her fingers. My own need to come was overpowering. When I heard her scream out, I finally let go and came instantly. “Fuck,” I groaned. “I love you, Nina. I love you so fucking much.”
That had been torture for me too.
I heard a knock in the background and could hear a woman’s voice. “Nina, are you okay in there? Dessert’s ready.”
Shit.
“Yes…I’m coming!” she yelled.
We both broke out in laughter at the irony of that. It was nice to laugh again. I felt better than I had in a long time, like maybe things were going to be okay after the toughest week of my life.
God never gives you more than you can handle, right? Well, I was about to find out that when it came to Nina, God would be testing me soon in a big way.
CHAPTER 27
Ivy had been stable, so I was able to return to Brooklyn with a clear conscience after my week in Boston.
Before heading back to New York, I spent all of Sunday at the group home with her and never mentioned the impending divorce, although I brought her a letter I had written that summed up most of what I had already told her, so she would have my feelings in writing.
I didn’t know whether she read it or not after I left, but it made me feel better to give it to her. I stayed with her until she kicke
d me out that afternoon, accusing me of planting a chip in her arm while she was napping.
It was a relief to be back in New York for the week, but I had wished Nina were with me. I overnighted her an origami bat for every day she was at her parents’ house. Stopping at Fedex on my way to work each morning was the highlight of my day.
***
A week later, it was the Sunday night that Nina arrived back in Brooklyn, and I had come home from Boston early. I had planned to rush over to her apartment the second she got home. A text came in from her just as I was heading out the door.
I don’t think I can see you tonight. I’m not feeling so good.
Fuck that.
I immediately picked up the phone and called her.
“Are you okay?”
She sounded tired. “Hey…no. I’m just feeling really crappy. My stomach hurts. It’s that time of the month, and it was a long bus ride. Rain check?”
“I guess so, baby, but I was really looking forward to seeing you. How about I come over and take care of you?”
“That’s really sweet. I think I just need to sleep, though. I’m sorry. I know we were supposed to spend the night together.”
“It’s alright. Tomorrow night, though, wild horses won’t keep me away, okay?”
“Okay. Good night, Jake.”
“Sweet dreams, baby. Feel better.”
***
The next night, desperate to see her, I didn’t even call before heading to her apartment straight from work.
When she opened the door, her long blonde hair was tied into two pigtails, and she looked really tired. She also appeared to have lost some weight.
I pulled her into a tight embrace. “Baby, I missed you so fucking much.”
“I missed you, too.”
I lifted the brown paper bag in my left hand. “I brought Chinese from your favorite place.”
“Oh,” she said.
“What’s wrong, Nina? Talk to me.”
“Nothing. I just…don’t really have an appetite. I’m still not feeling well.”
“I’m sorry,” I said as I put the paper bag down and felt her head then kissed it gently. Her skin was cold.
My mouth lingered on her forehead when she looked up at me. “I’m the one who should be apologizing for being such a party pooper.”
“That’s okay. You can’t help it if you feel like crap.” I took her hand and pulled her over to the couch. “C’mere. Let’s sit down.”
She laid her head across my lap, and I caressed her hair. Her skin was pale and her breathing shallow.
I would take being close to her to anyway I could get and became angry with myself for getting turned on. Seriously, had I no shame? It just happened. The feel of her breath so close to my dick made me hard. It had been too long since I had been with her, and it was my body’s natural reaction. I closed my eyes and imagined the wart on my seventh grade teacher Mrs. Mortimer’s chin. Hairy. Wart. Wasn’t working. Shit.
She didn’t seem bothered by my erection, or at least, she didn’t say anything to that effect. She didn’t say much of anything at all, in fact. When I peeked down at her face on my lap, it surprised me that her eyes were wide open, like she was deep in thought. I had assumed the reason she was being so quiet was because she was falling asleep. Yeah, she wasn’t feeling well, but something else was wrong. Something was bothering her. I didn’t know how to explain it, but I could feel when Nina was sad in the same way I felt her pain when she cut her finger. It was a connection I had with her and no one else. Unfortunately, it did not extend to being able to read her mind.
“Baby, is everything okay?”
“I just have a lot on my mind. I have two exams this week, plus I told you about my friend, Skylar.”
“The girl with cancer?”
“Yes. I go see her every Wednesday. I talked to her today. She hasn’t been doing well. The chemo has been making her really sick.”
“Shit.”
“I am hoping I don’t have to skip going to see her this week.”
“Because you’re sick?
“I can’t be around her if she could catch something.”
“I think that’s awesome that you’re there for her every week like that.”
“Believe me…I’m the lucky one. If you met this girl, you’d know what I mean.”
“Maybe I could go with you and meet her some Wednesday.”
She laughed. “She’d love that more than you know.”
“Why do you say that?”
“She’s a sex-crazed teenager, and she saw a picture of you. She’s been asking me to bring you around. She calls you ‘Jake the beefcake.’”
I laughed. “She’s a hot ticket, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
Nina ended up falling asleep on me. I carried her into her room and tucked her in then went into the kitchen to heat up some Chinese food. Her roommate was away visiting her boyfriend in D.C., so we were alone in the apartment. As I ate in the quiet of her kitchen, I thought about how this night was nothing like I had hoped it would be after such as long absence. I wasn’t sure whether to wake her to say goodbye, leave a note, or just slip into her bed.
I opted to stay the night. It was just too tempting to lie next to her. She was still fast asleep when I took off my shirt and pants, leaving my boxer briefs on. I lifted the covers and lay down behind her, placing my hand on her waist. She didn’t even flinch. I listened to her steady breathing until I fell asleep.
At some point in the middle of the night, she sat up in bed and it woke me up. She seemed to be anxious and her breathing reminded me of how she acted during our plane ride to Chicago.
“Nina?”
She was shaking a little. “I just had a bad dream, that’s all. I’m fine.”
I began to cradle her. “You don’t sound fine.”
“Just hold me, okay?”
“Of course. I’ll hold you until the morning if you need me to.”
After a long silence, I thought she was about to fall back asleep when she asked me, “Are you going back to Boston again this weekend?”
She knew I went to Boston every weekend, so it was a strange question. “I was planning on it, yeah.”
“So, even after the divorce, you still plan to go every single weekend?”
She caught me off guard. “Yes. I mean…she’s alone all week with no family looking in. Does it bother you that I plan to go back every weekend?”
The fact that she didn’t say anything right away told me that it did.
It was dark, so I couldn’t tell whether she was crying when her voice shook. “It’s just going to be hard.”
I held her close to me, feeling suddenly petrified. “I know, Nina. Believe me, I know. This is why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. But shit, I am in deep with you, and there is no going back. We’ll figure it out. We have to. Maybe you can come with me some weekends. I know my sister is dying to meet you.”
“Come with you to visit Ivy?”
“No, not to visit Ivy, but you and I will spend the mornings and nights together in Boston.”
“So, you’ll be with Ivy all day while I roam the city alone?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Nina…”
“It’s okay, like you said, we’ll work it out,” she said abruptly.
A sinking feeling came over me as we sat in silence. Suddenly, the seeds of doubt had been planted. Had I really thought this through? Was it realistic for me to expect her to accept my putting Ivy before her for the rest of our lives? It wasn’t fair. My sense of obligation to Ivy was strong, but it wasn’t stronger than my love for Nina. I had some serious thinking to do about how I was going to handle things. One thing was for certain: I wasn’t going to figure it all out tonight.
***
For the rest of that week, Nina made up an excuse every night not to see me. Tuesday, she claimed she was still sick. Wednesday, it was that she had returned late from visiting Skylar and needed to s
tudy. Then, it was more studying on Thursday. I knew better. If you want to see someone, you always make time, even if its just five minutes.
So, we never got together before I had to go back to Boston the following weekend. Ivy was having a tough stretch and had to be hospitalized again briefly while I was there. I had gotten very little sleep.
The entire weekend was a blur. Before I knew it, I was home in Brooklyn again. It was a never-ending cycle, and I was tired of it.
So fucking tired.
To make matters worse, Nina had not responded to me at all the Monday after I got back. It was the first day she had completely ignored my texts. The more time that passed without a response, the more hopeless I became. Add to that, the fact that Ivy was a mess when I left Boston, and I was in a bad place.
I had let down the person who needed me most, for the person I needed more than anything and managed to fuck up all of our lives in the process. The future was just one black hole now.
If Nina chose to leave me, a day wouldn’t go by when I wasn’t pining for her. The thought of her moving on, having sex with other men, marrying someone else, having children with him, seriously made me want to hurt someone. I honestly didn’t know how I would handle it. She could leave me physically, but she would still be in my heart and in my soul forever. There would never be anyone else.
I had to get out of the apartment before I lost it. I grabbed my keys and jacket and left, walking down the street with nowhere to go. As it started to rain, I stopped inside a bar several blocks from home.
It was dark and loud and just what I needed to drown everything out. I sat at the counter fully intending to get fucked up tonight.
“Grey Goose straight,” I told the bartender.
As I sucked the first drink down in one shot, the two voices in my head were battling one another. There was the louder one telling me to never give up on Nina because she was mine and because I felt with all of my heart that she truly loved me. Then, there was that other voice telling me to let her go because she deserved better than to be with a man who could never give her a hundred percent. I wanted to destroy that voice completely, so I ordered another drink.