by Vi Keeland
When it came to telling her how I felt, the right words never seemed to come when I spoke them in the moment. But being able to take my time and especially watching her lying here next to me while I wrote, inspired me.
When I was finished, I was satisfied that I had written down everything I wanted to say to her.
She decided against spending the night with me. As she was getting ready to leave, I gave her the folded up poem and told her to read it when she got home and to reread it whenever she felt lonely or had doubts about my intentions.
I thought my life was planned
Until the moment I touched your hand.
Your sad eyes met mine,
And all I wanted was to make them shine.
And every time they did,
I became giddy like a kid.
With each moment together we spent,
I figured out what my father meant.
When he told his little boy long ago,
“When it’s love, son, you just know.”
I tried to resist and be strong
Since the timing was all wrong.
But I still came undone.
Because You. Are. The. One.
And I’d rather die than have to say
That mine was the one that got away.
Tell me what I have to do
To prove my heart is married to you.
It won’t be overnight.
Just give me time to make it right.
Please wait for me, Nina.
Later that night, she sent me a text.
I will.
CHAPTER 25
Holding onto the promise she made me as insurance, I gave Nina the physical space she felt she needed. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone, sometimes late into the night. During one of our conversations, she paused out of the blue, changed the subject and said, “Tell me about her.”
She hadn’t really asked much about Ivy up until that point, aside from wanting to know where things stood. Maybe she wasn’t ready or hadn’t felt secure enough in our relationship. I spent the next hour of that phone call going over the last six years and shared memories of Ivy, both good and painful ones. It was liberating to get it all off my chest and to finally share everything with her.
***
A month passed before I was able to take a week off from work to head to Boston. I didn’t want to have the divorce talk with Ivy over a weekend in case I needed to stay for the fallout. I also never quite knew what kind of a mood I’d find her in. A week would give me enough of a window to ensure I’d get her on a decent day.
My plan was to use the rest of the time off to research all of the legal issues. If possible, I wanted to be able to keep my power of attorney. She didn’t have anyone else who was trustworthy to make important decisions.
We had stopped the new medication because she wasn’t benefiting enough to make it worth the risk. So, waiting for that to kick in was no longer an excuse for me to put everything off.
When I arrived at the group home Tuesday night of that week, I had geared myself up to have the dreaded conversation.
Her door was open, so I knocked lightly, but she didn’t notice. She was listening to an old c.d. that she had recorded of herself playing the guitar years ago.
My chest tightened as I watched her sitting on the bed with her back facing me. She was swaying side to side to the sounds of her own music. I would have given anything to know what she was thinking about.
I tapped her shoulder, startling her, and she turned to look at me.
“Hi,” she said. “What day is it?”
“It’s Tuesday.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. I took the week off.”
She turned back around facing the window, and I sat next to her on the bed. We sat in silence, listening to the mellow guitar. Ivy’s music. She hadn’t played in years. Although, she still kept her Gibson propped up in the corner of her room, an eerie reminder of what used to be.
She stood up in front of me. Her long red hair was tousled, and her eyes looked tired. Even so, she was still a beautiful girl. It was the one thing that never changed, that wasn’t taken away from her.
She tugged at my arms pulling me up. “Dance with me,” she said.
I couldn’t help but smile. That was the last thing I expected. Her behavior was always unpredictable, but this was a new one.
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and placed her cheek on my chest. I closed my eyes and moved my body slowly to the music, matching her rhythm.
Dancing obviously wasn’t what I came here for, but moments like this with Ivy were few and far between. If dancing with me gave her some peace, I’d do it all night. I just wanted to take her pain away. There was never anything I could do to make that happen.
Her breathing became shaky, and I realized she was starting to cry. I held her tighter as her tears covered my shirt. I didn’t know what to say or do.
She whispered, “Jake, I’m scared.”
“Don’t be scared, baby girl. I’m here.” My eyes started to water when the next song played: Ivy’s rendition of Yesterday by the Beatles. I caressed her hair as we continued to dance, the last six years flashing before my eyes.
It dawned on me that maybe she was more aware than I had given her credit for. Maybe in a moment of clarity, she put two and two together when I showed up out of the blue on a Tuesday. Maybe she knew she was about to lose a part of me. I wouldn’t know for sure, but what I did know was that no talk was happening tonight. No. Tonight, we would just dance. She deserved that.
***
After leaving Ivy’s, my head hurt from mentally preparing for the talk, only to have to put it off again because of her emotional state.
There was only one person I wanted to see right now.
I fucking needed my mother.
Instead of going back to Allison and Cedric’s, I took the Blue Line train straight to my mother Vanessa’s house in Malden.
She and my stepfather Max got married a couple of years ago. They had met shortly after we moved to Boston when my mother took a job as a waitress at the diner he owns.
When she opened the door, she could tell from the look on my face that I was having a hard time.
“Honey, are you okay?”
I walked past her into the living room. “No, Mom. I’m not.” I sat down on the couch with my face in my hands. I was distraught but felt better already just being in my mother’s house.
She sat down next to me holding a cup of Chai tea. The licorice aroma wafted in the air. “Did you just come from Ivy’s?”
I nodded and exhaled into the palms of my hands, too exhausted to talk. Even in my silence, my mother knew everything; she always did.
She put down her teacup. “You still haven’t told her.”
I looked up, pursed my lips together and shook my head.
With her long dark hair and green eyes, my mother looked like an older version of my sister. Their resemblance was uncanny. I was lucky to have two strong women in my family that I could turn to. She put her hands on my shoulders and sighed.
“Jake, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, more so early on, between the drugs and getting pregnant as a teenager. When I met your father, I was just starting to straighten out, but there were things about my past I needed to tell him and I dreaded it. Each day, I would put it off. The constant worrying about what his reaction would be nearly killed me. But you know what? All of that worrying never changed anything. When I finally got it off my chest, I was free. It’s not going to hurt her any less or more if you wait. You’re the one breaking down, son. You need to get this over with for your own sanity. I could not be more proud of you. After your father died, you became the man of the house. You took care of yourself, so I could take care of us. You never stopped wanting to take care of people. I know you feel like you failed Ivy. But she was so lucky to have been blessed with you in her life because not many men your age would have
stuck around. I know you’ll always look out for her. But it’s time for you to start living again.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear from the one person I needed to hear it from.
***
The next day, Ivy was making a sandwich in the kitchen when I walked into the group home. A few of the other women who lived there were sitting on the opposite end of the room along with the house monitor.
“You’re back?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m here all week.”
“Do you want one?” she asked pointing to the bread.
“Sure.”
My heart pounded, and my stomach was upset because I knew this was no ordinary lunch date.
We sat along the counter together eating the turkey sandwiches she made.
When we were done cleaning up, I asked her to come sit with me in the yard. There was a patio out back and that was the best place to have the talk.
Ivy was more coherent than I had seen in a long time and I was grateful that I had chosen today.
“What’s going on?”
“I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Okay.”
“Come sit,” I said gesturing for her to join me on a bench swing. I grabbed her hand. She was looking in my eyes and waiting patiently for me to start talking. I was amazed to have this kind of attention from her and knew it was now or ever.
Here goes nothing.
I breathed out slowly. “I’ll never forget the day we met when you were dancing in the rain outside Northeastern. Do you remember that?”
She nodded. “Of course, I do.”
“Something deep inside told me to go up to you. Whatever it was, if I could go back in time, I would have still walked toward you that day. You were captivating, and I was an 18-year-old boy, smitten for the first time. We were infatuated with each other back then. We rushed things.”
“I was crazy about you,” she said.
“We should have never run away and gotten married that young. But the man upstairs had a different plan because he knew you were going to need me someday. I am glad he chose me to look out for you. I just wish I could make you feel better, make you healthy again. Most of all, I wish I could fight all of your demons for you. I would fucking slaughter them all if I could.
She started to cry and whispered, “I know you would.”
“It’s been hard watching you slip further into your own mind over the years. Some days, I really miss the girl I used to know…the one who played the guitar for me at night as I sat next to her drawing in my sketchbook and the one who always lit up the room with her smile. It hurts when you don’t acknowledge me now most of the time or worse, when you believe I am trying harm you. When you are having an “on” day, like today, I see glimpses of your old expressions, your sense of humor and the connection we once had. I know that the sweet funny girl who loved life is still in there, and I miss her sometimes.”
“I can’t do this, Jake. I don’t want to talk anymore.” She started to get up, but I stopped her.
“Ivy, I have to finish saying what I need to say. This is important. I need you to listen to me.”
She reluctantly sat back down. “I know where this is going.”
“None of this is your fault, baby girl…none of it. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. You’re a courageous soul and have a cross to bear, but you do not have to carry it alone. I’ll continue to make sure of that.”
She was looking down when she said, “You’re leaving me. You said you’d never leave me!”
“I never wanted to let you see me breaking. You have enough on your plate. But the truth is, I have been lonely and broken for a long time. I didn’t even know how depressed I really was, until I met someone who brought me out of it.”
She turned and looked at me like those words had assaulted her. The sadness in her eyes was palpable, but I had to continue. There was no going back now.
“I fell in love with someone. I never meant to, and I tried hard to avoid relationships with other people because I wanted to be able give you everything I had. You deserve that. But we haven’t had a real marriage for years. I am not sure we ever really had a chance at that. I’ve wanted to make sure I could still support you, so I never considered ending our marriage legally.”
“You’re…you’re divorcing me?”
“I have taken the steps to file for divorce, yes. Believe me when I say this is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. I met someone I love deeply. I don’t want to keep that from you anymore. It’s certainly not fair to stay married to you under the circumstances. I’m ending our marriage legally, but I am not leaving you. I’ll never abandon you, Ivy.”
She shook her head repeatedly and licked the tears that fell into her mouth when she said, “You say that now.” She pushed me and repeated, “You say that now! Leave. Just go.”
My eyes were welling up, but I tried to remain strong and continued with what I had planned to say. “I will always make sure you are safe. I will make sure you have health insurance, even if I have to pay for it myself. I—”
“Leave!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
It felt like she was punching me in the gut. The house monitor would probably come outside any minute if she screamed again.
I spoke louder to get through to her. “I am swearing to you that I will not abandon you for as long as I live. I will always be there for you when you need me. Please try not to hate me. I will always love you.”
She was rocking back and forth on the swing with her head down and her hands shaking. It was killing me, but what did I expect? I was all she fucking had. I wanted to hold her, comfort her, but I knew she wouldn’t want that.
“Get out of here before I call someone,” she said.
I stood up and walked toward the inside door, then turned back around wanting to convince her that nothing would change. “I’ll see you this weekend, as always, Ivy.”
She stayed rocking on the swing as I walked away, feeling like I had just gotten run over by a train.
CHAPTER 26
I spent the next couple of days of that week meeting with lawyers and social workers, determined to make sure that Ivy was going to be okay. I was told that even after a divorce, I could still be her conservator and maintain power of attorney unless in her right mind, she objected. I still had to figure out a new long-term insurance plan for her and had filled out some applications for state aid. It was a long and grueling week.
When I returned to the group home the following Saturday morning, Ivy was standing up staring at the clock on the wall. The one picture of us that she had on her chest of drawers was cracked; she must have thrown it the other night in her anger at me.
“Ivy?”
She didn’t respond and never took her eyes off the wall as she bounced back and forth between her toes and heels.
I sat at the edge of her bed and rubbed my eyes in frustration, wondering if she recalled everything clearly from the other night. I hoped she at least remembered that I told her I would never abandon her.
When my eyes wandered to the corner of the room, my heart dropped when I noticed the strings of her Gibson guitar had been plucked off and mangled. I walked over to it and when I picked it up, my heart felt like it had been ripped apart, too.
“I’ll get this fixed, baby girl,” I whispered, “I’ll fix it. I’m sorry.”
She was counting to herself when I looked over at her. I felt helpless.
Her social worker walked in at that moment. “Jake?”
I turned toward the door. “Hi, Gina.”
She looked over at Ivy. “Hi, beautiful.” Still in a catatonic state, Ivy ignored her.
Gina and I walked out to the hall, and she whispered, “They told me that she threw a fit the other night, throwing things around her room and threatening some of the staff if they went near her. It wasn’t quite bad enough for a hospitalization, but they asked me to check in on her every day this week.”
“Thank you, Gina. Thank you so much.”
“It’s my job.” She smiled, searching my eyes. “How are you holding up? Are you okay?”
She knew about the talk I had with Ivy and my filing for divorce. I was sure I looked like shit. I hadn’t shaved all week and slept like ass.
“Honestly? Not really. I’ve been dreading this for five years. I don’t want to push her into an even worse state. I could never live with myself if anything happened to her.”
“Do you know how many of these situations I walk into everyday where the person has absolutely no one looking after them? I haven’t seen one spouse in your situation who has stayed as long as you have, certainly not one your age.”
“I’ll always look out for her.”
“You’re a good man, Jake.”
I wanted to believe that, but the guilt had only just begun to eat away at me.
***
That Saturday night, back at my sister’s house, I closed the door to my room and called Nina. She had just arrived at her parents’ house in upstate New York for spring break. She’d be there all week until the following Sunday.
We last spoke on the phone a few nights ago right after I told Ivy about the divorce. I was extremely sad after I left the group home. Nina stayed on the phone with me for hours, just listening to me vent about everything that had happened. It was a relief that I didn’t have to keep any part of my life from her anymore. Toward the end of the call, she told me she loved me. It was the first time she had said it since finding out about Ivy. It was only then that I was able to let her off the phone and fall asleep. It was the first good night’s sleep I had in a while.