by Vi Keeland
I peek up at her and she quickly turns away as if she’s just figured out why I’m such a mess. She looks almost angry … disappointed. “Yeah, well you better get yourself out of bed and get back to the real world. Don’t be like mother. People are always going to disappoint you, Phoenix. You only give them the power if you let it change your life.” She stomps toward the door and tosses her notebook in the trash before giving me a saddened look. “You’re not the only that needed him, you know.”
The door slams closed behind her and I just sit there, staring at it as if I expect her to come back in and tell me what she meant. She doesn’t, of course.
Needing something to get me out of this slump, I walk over to the trash and dig out her notebook. I know what she and Kellan were working on and I’m curious to see just how far she’s taken it. What I find in it, surprises me. There is not only one, but four poems written out.
I find myself flipping to the front and reading the beauty of her words, them making me teary-eyed. It doesn’t take long before I smile a real smile for the first time since losing Kellan and finding myself in that old man’s yard. Maybe I’m not as lost as I thought. I can’t go on this way anymore. There are people that need me. Zoe needs me.
Lifting Kellan’s shirt, I run my fingers over the beautiful peacock and feel happiness mixed with sadness. Happiness knowing I have a piece of Adric with me and sadness, knowing I also have a piece of Kellan. The only piece left of them both. I need to be strong, not only for Zoe, but for Adric.
***
It’s now been twelve days since Kellan left town and I’ve been finding myself more active with the outside world. Just the other day, I took my mom and Zoe out to dinner and then we stopped by Adric’s grave. It was the first time that we’ve all gone together. I’ve never seen my mom cry or laugh so much. We sat around for hours sharing stories with Zoe and she was surprised to see how much her and Adric were alike. Being there with them made me happy and made me realize just how much I’d been missing over the years by going by myself. We felt like a family for the first time in forever.
Then, just yesterday, Jen invited me over to have dinner with her, Jax and Tyler. I have to admit, it was cute seeing them together. If I didn’t know any better, I would think Tyler was Jax’s dad. He is so good with him. They are so natural together and I can tell Jax loves him. I know Jen and Tyler have a thing for each other, but neither of them seem to want to tell the other. The way Tyler looked at Jen made even my heart skip a beat. That boy has it bad, but I have a feeling he’s trying to be as respectful as possible, knowing what Jen’s been through over the years. I don’t blame him. He’s smart for taking it slow and I hope they end up together.
I’ve been hearing from Kade more and more as the days go on, him wanting me to come to his apartment or meet him at the bar, but I can’t. I just don’t feel right, knowing what Kade wants from me, so I’m trying to keep my distance and things completely platonic. Even though he says he’s happy Kellan finally left, I can see a sadness in his eyes when he thinks I’m not paying attention. I haven’t seen or spoken to Nancy since Kellan left, but Kade said she’s devastated. I think she keeps to herself a lot. Her son has left again; I can only imagine it hurts for her a hell of a lot more than it does for me. I want to talk to Nancy about it, but I have no idea what to say. No one but Kellan knows that I’ve told him I love him. Kade and Jen only know so much. I’m not ready to tell anyone else yet. It’s something I’ll just keep to myself for now.
***
Today makes two weeks exactly since Kellan has left. It’s taken me a while to make this decision, but as I weave my way through the path of trees, I find myself getting nervous as I get closer and closer to the secret spot that we played at as children. Eight years is long enough. It’s time I stop pushing my feelings deep in the banks of my memory and remember the good times just like Kellan said. Adric needs to be remembered instead of shunned away no matter how much it hurts. Maybe the pain would heal if I would let it go instead of harboring it deep inside.
The smell of fresh summer air, leaves and grass hit me hard, making my eyes water. I used to love the smell and I would hang out here for hours just breathing it all in. After the day Kade found me here, I promised myself I’d never come back. I told myself this was our place and if we couldn’t all be here to share it, then I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. I was weak. I don’t want to be weak anymore. I need to stand on my own.
As soon as the yellow tree house comes into view, a pain aches in my chest. I grab it, taking a deep breath. A mixture of emotions flood through me: sadness, happiness, anxiousness. I don’t know how I feel, honestly. I almost feel like running, but my feet feel heavy as if they’re stuck in wet cement. I need to do this. It’s been long enough.
The old worn out rope ladder that dangles at the front, swings side by side catching my attention as I keep walking, getting closer. There’s no wind. It’s a calm day and I can’t help but to think someone has been here recently. I let hope overpower any rational thoughts, thinking maybe Kellan has been here. Maybe just maybe … he didn’t leave after all. I haven’t been back to his house because I’ve been too chicken shit to face it. Is it possible he’s been home the whole time? I never did get the chance to apologize. That could explain him being here without calling me.
I find myself taking quick steps to get closer to the tree house. My legs are shaking so bad I can hardly keep my balance, but I refuse to give in. Hell, if it involves seeing Kellan, I’d crawl there. Everything around me blurs as my attention focuses on the ladder, still swaying as if someone has just pushed it. My adrenaline pumps as I keep on my mission.
I’m standing right in front of it now. Frozen and unable to make my next move. I feel like a total idiot, but I say it anyways, “Kellan.”
I hear movement coming from inside the tree-house and my heart starts beating so rapidly, it feels as if it’s going to fly right out of my chest. I want to see who’s in there so badly, but I’m scared. I’m so scared of what I may or may not find.
A pair of silver sandals attached to a set of long, tan legs step up to the open door, crushing any hopes of it being who I thought it was. My heart takes a crash landing at my feet, breaking all over again. My eyes trail up to see a baby blue dress plastered to a set of slender curves, leading up to the beautiful face I saw at the bar the other night. Her burgundy hair is pulled into a side braid and her exotic green eyes lock on my gray ones.
A small smile forms on her face when she takes notice of me standing below her. “It’s just me,” she says sweetly. Her eyes stare into mine as if she’s trying to remember something in them. “My name is River Holland, I was …um.” She pauses to swallow.
“A friend of Adric’s,” I point out before she can answer. I grab onto the rope suddenly feeling weak. How did she know to come here? We never took anyone here. She must have been really important to him or Kellan. I clear my throat and force a smile. “I remember you from the bar. You ran away.”
Taking a seat on the edge of the entryway, she dangles her legs over the side, clutching something in her hand that is hanging around her neck. It’s a small silver chain, but I can’t see what’s dangling from it due to being gripped inside her hand. She stares down at her hand for a moment before reaching up and unhooking it behind her neck, holding it out for me to see. It’s a silver guitar pick with Adric’s named sketched into it. She places it in my hand and smiles.
I look up at her for a second, confused. Adric was very picky about who got his picks. He cherished each and every last one he used. “What is this?” I ask while bringing my eyes back down to my hand. “I mean … I know it’s Adric’s but…”
“Flip it over,” she whispers.
Without hesitation, I flip it over and my eyes widen when I read what’s sketched onto the other side. “Adric Winters loves River Holland forever and always. My one true love.” I cover my mouth as a sob escapes it. I never knew Adric loved anyone. I never even knew
he had a girlfriend. Not once did I think to ask. My heart breaks for her.
“Adric was the love of my life. I loved him with everything in me. He gave that to me the night he told me he loved me. I keep it around my neck so it can be close to my heart.” I look up and she smiles, but I see sadness in her eyes, confirming she still misses him more than she’d hoped to. “He was my second boyfriend and so far my only love. I haven’t found anyone who even comes close to comparing to him and the way he made me feel. He was special.”
I rub my thumb over the guitar pick, feeling sad over something he kept from me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me he had a girlfriend. “I don’t understand,” I say softly. “He never mentioned he had a girlfriend. How come I never met you?”
River grabs onto the rope and climbs down to stand next to me. On her way down, I can see a gray tattoo on the back of her neck. It’s a heart fully formed, but full of cracks as if one touch would shatter it to pieces. Above it says, Shattered July 4, 2005 with the death of my beloved. Below the heart says Adric Winters. I gasp as I read it. It’s beautiful. It makes me wonder if Kellan is the one that did it. They seemed to know each other. My heart aches. I can’t imagine losing the one you love to death. It hurts enough losing Kellan, but at least he’s alive somewhere.
“Things weren’t as easy as we would have liked. He needed to concentrate on getting his life together and his family’s and so did I.” She grabs my hand intertwining her fingers with mine. All I can do is stare down at our hands feeling warm and fuzzy inside. “You should have heard the way he talked about you. His little Phoenix. He loved you so much that I always hoped one day I would get to meet you and Zoe and grow to love you guys as my own sisters. I had some family issues that kept me away most of the time. The times that I could sneak out to be with him were tough. It was usually really late and I never wanted him to drag you out with him.”
I squeeze her hand and look into her eyes. They look so pained. “Did you guys date for long?”
She smiles at the memory and closes her eyes before continuing. She exhales a breath and laughs softly. “We dated for about six months. It was the happiest six months of my whole life. We even talked about marriage one day when we were free of all the ties that bound us here. There will never be anyone else like him. I will be alone for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of trying to be with someone else. The only time that I ever truly felt safe. His arms … “ She lets go of my hands and hugs herself. “They felt so warm and safe around me. When he held me, I almost believed that everything bad in the world melted away. Have you ever felt that?”
I let out a deep breath and hide my hands behind my back so she can’t see how badly they are shaking. I just nod my head.
She smiles as if she knows all the answers. “With Kellan, right?”
My head snaps over in her direction. Why would she even guess him? She’d never seen us together. “How did you know?” I ask, stunned and insanely interested in what she’ll say next.
She grabs onto the rope and runs her hands along it, looking totally relaxed with me. “I saw the way you looked at him that night. I also saw the way he looked at you. Adric looked at me the same way. I will never forget that look. When I saw you looking at each other, I stared at you thinking of how much you reminded me of Adric. I couldn’t help myself; I had to meet you.” She exhales through her mouth and smiles weakly. “I have to say, Kellan is a hard one to hold down. I’ve seen many girls in the past try and fail. I wasn’t around him all the time, but with him being Adric’s best friend, we ended up at a lot of parties together. I had never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at you. There was true love in his eyes. You two belong together. Don’t let anyone keep you apart.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and shake my head. She’s wrong. If he loved me, he’d be here. “If we belonged together, he would still be here. He’s not. He took off a couple weeks ago and I have no idea how to even contact him.”
Her face turns pained and a tear slides down her cheek. “I know how hard that is. I’m so sorry. I know Kellan and he’s facing a lot of demons himself. Cut him a little bit of slack. I’d be willing to bet he’ll come back for you. Sometimes love stuns us and it takes us a little while to accept that we truly love someone. It’s a scary thing to be that vulnerable to someone else. He may be sorting some things out. Take it from someone that knows from experience; sometimes we need to experience an attempt to living without them before we can accept how much we need them.”
I wait for her to say more, but she doesn’t. I wonder how much she really knows.
“Were you and Adric together when he passed? I don’t remember seeing you at the funeral.”
She shakes her head back and forth and nervously plays with her braid. “I don’t know what we were at that point. I left a couple weeks before he passed. I left because I had to get out of this town. It was the only way I’d be safe. I asked him to come with me. Actually, I begged him to come with me, but he didn’t. He said his family needed him here. When I first left I was afraid to contact anyone from home. I was afraid my father would find me. By the time I got enough courage to call Adric, he never answered. I tried for weeks and then eventually the phone was cut off. I was so scared to come back, but I knew something just didn’t feel right. He loved me, I knew that. He would answer if he could.”
She wipes at her wet eyes while I listen. “I came to your house when I got back and was greeted by a head full of red curls. I smiled down at the little girl that I knew just had to be Zoe. I asked her if Adric was home. She gave me a blank look, tilted her head and said Adric is in the ground with flowers. Lots of flowers. I crashed to the porch on my knees and cried until I couldn’t breathe. I knew exactly why he never returned my calls. He was dead. My Adric was dead. Zoe must have thought it was best to just close the door, because the door stayed closed until I left. I ran to the cemetery and found his headstone. I slept next to it for two days before I returned back to my childhood home. The one I wanted so long to get away from, but my dad was the only family I had left since Adric was gone. He beat me and treated me like dirt, but at least I was close to Adric. I would have rather stayed and took the beatings and gotten more time with Adric, but I can’t change it now.”
By the time, her story is done, I find my arms wrapped around her, comforting her. My heart breaks so much for this woman. The one and only woman Adric ever loved. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want her to be alone. “You’re not alone,” I whisper. “You still have family. A sister.”
She pulls away from me and smiles. “I can see why he loved you so much. Thank you.”
I smile back as she pulls away. “I can say the same about you. Adric never really showed much interest in many girls. At least, never enough to have a girlfriend. You must be special. I want a chance to get to see why.” I open her hand and place the guitar pick in her open palm before closing it. “I hope I’ll get a chance to see you again.”
She closes her hand tightly around the pick and walks past me. She stops and flashes me one last smile. “I’ll be seeing you soon, Phoenix. I’m glad to have finally gotten to meet you.”
“Same here,” I whisper to her back as she walks away. Same here.
***
When I get home that night, I grab Zoe’s backpack and stuff some clothes into it. For some reason, I just need to feel as close to Kellan as I can at the moment. I need some time to remember the happy moments before I’m ready to completely let go and move on. I’ve decided to stay at Kellan’s house for a few days and see if I can get used to being there. Why leave his beautiful home sitting there with no one in it? It deserves company now that Kellans gone and Rayne is staying with Tyler. I’m sure it will be a nice escape.
When I pull into the driveway, my phone goes off, startling me. I struggle to pull it out of my pocket and laugh to myself when I see a message from Aiden asking me to hang out with him tomorrow just as friends. Instead of res
ponding, I shove it into my purse and grab the backpack of clothing, pulling it over my shoulder. Sitting here in the driveway makes me feel anxious. I need to realize I have to do this alone now. As hard as it is, he’s gone. He’s never coming back no matter what River said. I know Kellan well enough to know when he makes a decision it’s final.
Stepping into his bedroom, the smell of oak moss, satinwood and amber hit me hard reminding, me of his intoxicating cologne. The smell is sexy, making me wish he were here, naked with me in his bed. The thought is pure torture. Being here is going to be harder than I thought. I hate this.
I toss my clothes aside and fall onto his bed face first. I lay there for hours just doing nothing before finally, I reach over for my purse and pull out my phone. What do I have to lose? Maybe hanging out with Aiden won’t be such a bad thing. It’s just as friends, so I send Aiden a text.
Phoenix: Sure … I’m free tomorrow. Just friends?
A few seconds later, he responds back.
Aiden: Perfect. Yes, just as friends so … tell your boyfriend to take it easy. I just miss you, that’s all.
Phoenix: I don’t have a boyfriend. There won’t be any problems. I’ve kind of missed you too.
I slap myself for adding the last part. Sure, I’ve missed him being around, but it’s nothing more than that. The next text comes right away.
Aiden: It’s so good hearing that, baby. :) I’ll text you in the afternoon with details.
I sigh, wondering if this is the right thing to do. Things can only go up from here. There’s no room to go down. I’m already at my lowest.
Phoenix: Sure, talk then.
I drop my phone down beside me and curl up into Kellan’s silk sheets, taking in his scent still lingering on the bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out like a light.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Phoenix