by Vi Keeland
I had to leave, but know I would stay with you forever if I had a choice. I didn’t, so I’m gone. I’m sorry we had to say goodbye the way we did. It wasn’t the way I had intended. None of this was. Just know that I have done some things I’m not proud of and in turn can’t be with you. It’s in your best interest, trust me. I want you to take the key Tyler gave you and stay at my place as long as you want; it’s yours. Sorry it’s a mess. I let my anger get the best of me. You, your mom and Zoe can live here. It’s already paid for. One thing you have to know is, letting you walk out that door was the hardest thing, besides losing Adric, I’ve ever had to deal with. Losing Adric was my biggest regret and losing you is my second. Don’t live your life in regret. You’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to Adric, Zoe and myself. Stay strong and keep Adric’s things safe. I’m giving them to you. What I’m about to say is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do aside from leaving you. Forget about me and move on. Don’t waste your time on something I could have never given you in the first place. You deserve the world and I could never give that to you as much as I wish I could. It’s time to face my demons now. Goodbye.
xx Kellan Haze xx
I drop the letter and fall to my knees, with my hand pressed to my mouth. The sobs choke out of me as I grip the carpet, fighting to catch my breath. He’s never coming back. I ran him off, just like I knew would happen. I did this. I fucking did this!
Somehow feeling as if to call him will bring him back, I fish my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my contacts, stopping on his name. I tap the screen and place the phone to my ear, but it doesn’t ring. The number has been disconnected. My one and only hope in ever talking to Kellan again is gone, with something as simple as a damn disconnected number, just as the time before when he left. The familiar feeling leaves me feeling sick and helpless.
I need to get out of here. I need to breathe. I’m not even sure of where I’m going until I pull up behind the tattoo shop, shutting off my car.
Numbly, I climb out of my car. I have Adric’s guitar strapped around my neck, hanging down my back as I walk over to the rusted up ladder that Kellan had taken me up before. I stare at it, my vision blurring as I take a step forward and grip the bar with one hand. It feels rough against my skin, reminding me that I’m alone with no one to catch me. My whole body shakes and I look up the ladder that seems so high from where I stand. My eyes blur as I step onto the first rung.
Without letting my fear become too strong and break me, I climb up as steady as I can. I can’t see with all the tears blurring my vision and halfway up the ladder my foot slips. I begin to panic and cry harder as I hold on by only my two hands. I’m scared. Trying not to look down, I finally get my foot back on the rung of the ladder and continue upward until I get close to the top of the building before climbing over the top. Breathing heavily with watery eyes, I let the tears fall at the realization I could have fallen. It’s not so simple without Kellan here guiding me. My heart is racing so fast, it feels as if I’ve just run a marathon. A flood of relief runs through me and I’m thankful that I made it to the top without plummeting to my death. That would be a horrible way to go. I had to come here. There was no other option. This is all of Kellan I have left. Our spot.
Looking around, I notice the blanket sitting off toward the back in the same spot it had been before. My heart stops and my breath catches in my throat as the overwhelming feeling of the memories on that blanket come to mind. That was the first night I felt as if Kellan saw me as a woman and not just as Adric’s sister. The moment I thought we could be something more. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I walk over to it and sit with the guitar in my lap.
I sit there for hours, leaning against the wall crying, my tears soaking the top of my shirt, numb to the world. An empty shell of myself longing for the one thing I’ll never have as mine. The one and only thing I’ve wanted since the first day I laid eyes on Kellan: his love.
I hear my phone go off a few times, but I silence it not wanting to talk to anyone. I can’t. I can barely even breathe right now. In this moment, I just want to remember being here with Kellan. This was the first place of his he brought me to and I’ll never forget the way my heart rattled in my chest as he helped me up to the top. I was terrified, yet felt so safe having him next to me.
No one had ever made me feel so safe in my life. Not even Adric. That thought scares the shit out of me. Kellan is irreplaceable. I knew it eight years ago and I know it now. He is it for me; the one that can break me or make me. He is the one I’d rather die than to live without. My one and only, and now, he’s gone. He’s gone forever.
It’s getting darker now, and realizing it’s probably time to get going, I stand up, but stop when I hear something from across the street. It must be the old man again. My curiosity gets the best of me. Kellan used to spend time watching this old man. It makes me want to watch also.
Surprisingly, I find myself walking over to the edge of the building and peeking down and across the street. The old man is pacing back and forth in the grass, with his hands moving anxiously at his sides as if he’s in a panic. He starts to talk so I lean in closer to see what he’s saying, while trying my best to keep steady. Suddenly, all my fear is gone, me focusing on this one man below me. The one that has no one; alone.
“I can’t, Mary. I can’t go yet. I haven’t seen her,” he cries. “It’s not time. It’s not time. Stop it. Don’t make me feel guilty. You know I have to see her first.”
He looks angry for a second and then drops to his knees with his hands to his chest. “No! Not yet,” he chokes out. “Don’t do this to me!”
Oh crap! I think he’s having a heart attack. I’ve never had to help anyone before, so it’s hard to focus through the fear. I fumble with my phone, call 911 and rush down the ladder as quickly as possible while holding my breath. I run across the street while yelling the address into the phone. Once I get face to face with the old man, I drop to my knees in front of him and grab his hand.
“I called 911. They’re on the way. Just hold on. They will get you the help you need.” Tears stream down my face as the man struggles to look up at me. “Hold on, please.”
He looks up at me. That’s when my heart stops. When he reaches out, touches my face and whispers, “Allison. You’ve come for me.” A tear trickles down his wrinkled face and his lips tremble as he speaks as best as he can being short of breath. “My Allison … I knew you’d come.” He smiles. “I knew I’d see you again.” He looks up to the sky. “See, Mary. I told you she’d come. She’s as beautiful as I imagined she would be. Isn’t she, Mary?”
I find my body jerking as my cries spill out, turning to sobs. The man falls into my arms and I catch him, in an attempt to hold him up, but I can’t. He’s too heavy. “Help me!” I scream. “Someone, please!” My cries come out harder as the man goes completely limp in my arms. His lifeless body falling over, next to us in the grass. “Oh God, no! Please no. Someone … anyone! Help!”
I jump to my feet and run across the street, ignoring traffic. The car honks and slams on its brakes as I pass, halting it with my hand. “Tyler! I need you! Please!”
The door to the shop bursts open to Tyler. Without hesitation he runs to me and throws his arms around me. “Are you okay?” He pulls away to look at me and I shake my head. “What’s wrong?”
I try to talk, but I can’t. All I can do is point.
Tyler notices the man lying in the yard and runs across the street screaming, “Call 911!”
I follow behind him and kneel down beside him. “I already did. They’re on the way. I don’t think he’s breathing.”
Tyler grabs his wrist and starts checking for a pulse. “There’s a pulse, but it’s not very strong.”
Red and blue lights come into view as a police car followed by an ambulance pulls up in front of the house.
Tyler and I back out of the way as two men jump out of the ambulance carrying a stretcher.
&
nbsp; “What’s his condition?” One of the men barks out.
“I think he had a heart attack, but he still has a pulse,” I cry. “I don’t know. I don’t know!” I’m in a full on panic, worried about the old man.
Tyler pulls me into his arms and I watch over his shoulder as they put the old man on the stretcher. I can’t watch anymore, so I turn away and squeeze my eyes shut. That poor man was alone, just like Adric had been. No one should have to be alone in their last moments of life. Everyone should have someone.
I drop down to my knees and Tyler drops down with me, rubbing his hands over my hair. “He was alone,” I cry. “I should have been there.”
I cry, not knowing who I’m crying over. All I know is that I feel broken. I am broken. I’m shattered. I don’t like death. It’s a terrible thing for everyone involved. The ones that have to witness it and the loved ones left behind to cope.
“You did what you could,” Tyler soothes me. “It’s okay. I got you.”
The loud voices around us suddenly die down after about five minutes and someone jumps out of the back of the ambulance and walks over to where Tyler and I are sitting. We both stand up.
The man looks to be in his early twenties, handsome with black hair and blue eyes. He gives me a weak smile and then clears his throat. “Allison, your father didn’t make it. His heart finally gave out on him. His cancer has gotten too far out of control and his time was any minute. He stopped forgoing treatment a while ago.” He looks at me and my heart stops. “He’s been waiting on you for a while. Every time we’ve come to take him to the hospital, he’s always smiled and said he’s not going anywhere before seeing his Allison again.” A tear runs down the man’s face. “Thanks for coming back. He’s been suffering for a long time. It was his time to go home.”
I shake my head as he places a necklace in my hands. “He wanted me to give this to you.”
I cry so hard I can barely breathe. “No!” I shake my head some more and hold out my hand. “I’m not Allison. Who is Allison? There’s been some kind of mix up.”
The man smiles and grabs my shoulder. “Allison was his daughter. She died five years ago in a car accident on the way here, but his dementia was already too far advanced for him to understand. He’s always thought she was still on the way. He’s waited all this time to see her again.” He looks me in the eye. “You are his Allison now. You gave him what he wanted. You look a lot like her. She was beautiful.” He looks as if he’s about to break down before he turns away.
It hits me right then and there. Allison was his Kellan. “Was she the love of your life?” I call out to his retreating form.
He stops but doesn’t turn around. “She still is and always will be.” He takes a step then turns around. “Thank you,” he whispers. Then he walks away jumping into the ambulance.
I clutch the necklace to my chest and fall into Tyler’s arms, crying over things that even I can’t understand. My heart hurts so much. I’m so confused.
I’m so lost. I need Kellan …
Chapter Twenty-Three
Phoenix
The ceiling … it’s such an ugly shade of brown, yet I’ve been lying in bed staring at it for the last three days, dead inside. Void of any emotions. It’s been a week since I’ve found out Kellan is gone. You know how they say time heals all wounds? Well that’s a crock of shit. It doesn’t heal anything. You just bleed out slowly from a puncture wound in the center of your heart. I spent the first four days moping around work, messing up orders and pissing off customers; my passion for being a good employee dead along with my heart. How do you continue living normally when your reason for living has disappeared? Dale finally got tired of the complaints and sent me home until I sort my shit out. Oh Dale … can’t have anything that’s bad for business.
The next three days I spent in the comfort of my bed, staring at the old man’s silver necklace. It’s a long dainty chain with a silver inscribed locket. The back reads My dearest Allison. At first I couldn’t open it because I felt like I was invading some kind of unspoken privacy, but the old man and his daughter have been the only other thing on my mind besides Kellan. I wish I could just shut my mind off, but it’s impossible so I finally opened it. On one side is a picture of a little girl around the age of five, smiling big with her two front teeth missing. On the opposite side was the same girl at the age of about eighteen. It must have been a senior portrait. She was beautiful and the man was right; she does resemble me. I cried some more on top of everything else. Is it too much to ask for some happiness in all this sadness?
With Zoe staying at her friend’s house for the week, it’s been just my mother and I. She’s been moping around on the couch while I’ve been holed up in this room, closed off from the world I want nothing to do with at the moment.
The only good thing that’s happened over the last week is that my mother has managed to slow down on her drinking and has become more responsive than I have seen her since she’s moved in. It seems she’s a few years too late, but I guess better late than never. I know I should be making an effort to talk to her, but I’m in no shape to communicate with anyone but the ceiling. We have a good thing going. I just talk and it just listens. No thinking required. It doesn’t judge me or the shell I’m living in. Right now, I just want to be alone.
The next morning, I wake up to Zoe standing above me with a disgusted look on her face as she takes me in. She plops down on the end of the messy bed and tosses her notebook down beside her. I cover my face with the blankets in my sorry attempt of an escape. “What the hell died in your bed?”
Yanking the covers back, Zoe’s nose twitches as she tosses the blankets off the bed and into a pile, probably giving me a clue to wash them. “This room smells like sweat and feet. Maybe even a dead animal. When was the last time you got out of bed? You better not be turning into mom. I need you, Phoenix. I leave for a week and this is what I come back to.”
I run my fingers through my hair realizing just how greasy and gross it feels. It’s stuck to my head and slightly matted. I make myself sick. I can only imagine how Zoe views me at the moment. Lying here in Kellan’s shirt I’d stolen, boxer shorts and ratty hair with raccoon eyes and I thought our mother was the weak one. At least with her, she tried to stick it out and stayed married for over twenty-eight years. I did this to myself. I am the one that walked out on the most important person to me. What did I have to show for it besides a few crazy nights of sex and me longing over a guy for over ten years? She has great reason to feel as shitty as she does. Me … I’m just pathetic; trying to hold onto something that was never truly was mine to begin with.
“Zoe, I don’t feel good, okay?” I grab my pillow and smash it over my face in an attempt to drown out her whiny voice. I don’t like her seeing me like this. “Don’t you have things to go do? I’m sure it’s a nice day out. Just let me rest for one more day.”
I feel the pillow being pried from my fingers and I fight as hard as I can against her firm grip, but it’s no use. I haven’t even eaten since my head hit the pillow. Nothing sounds appetizing, not even chicken. I’ve only gotten up to use the bathroom and not by choice. Yes, I’m gross. Three days without any food or a shower. The only nutrients I’ve had is bottled water I’ve piled up next to my bed. I’m weak and I stink. Even I know that. Maybe I should have just drowned myself in the bottles of water.
“Dammit, Phoenix! Something’s wrong with you. I stopped by Spinner’s the other day and Jen told me you’ve taken the last few days off of work. She wouldn’t tell me why. A friend of mine, Micah, wanted to take me out to lunch so I asked him to take me to your work so he could meet you.” Her tiny hands shove me. “Talk to me, please. You’re scaring me.”
She frowns as I place my hands over my face to hide the tears that are now falling. I’ve gone one whole week without crying; just walking around completely numb to my feelings. Knowing that I disappoint even my little sister hurts like hell. I never want to disappoint her. “I’m sorry, Zoe. I re
ally want to meet your friend someday; just not now,” I whisper. “Please don’t be mad. I just can’t right now. I can’t.”
I feel her arms come around my neck before her face presses against the top of my head. “It’s okay, I’m not mad. I don’t like to see you like this. You’re the strong one, remember? Whatever happened will be okay. I’m not stupid; I know you’re not sick. You never get sick and when you do you always fight your way to work no matter who you have to karate chop to get there. You’re the strong one.” She keeps saying it as if she’s trying to remind not only me but herself as well.
I sit there silently, not wanting to admit that she’s right. I’m not sick and the whole world knows it. I’m the fifteen year old Phoenix all over again. That devastated little girl that couldn’t handle life and manage without my boys by my side. I can only hide for so long before I start hurting the people around me. I’m not Kellan, I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
There’s hesitation before she says, “I hate to ask you this right now, but where is Kellan?” I hear a smile in her voice and a little hope. “I have something to show him.”
She pulls away waiting for an answer, but I don’t want to give one. Just the sound of his name is enough to make me want to puke. It feels as if I’ve just been punched in the stomach and I can’t catch my breath. This is exactly why I’ve been avoiding people. So I can avoid the mention of his name around town. I don’t want to have to answer questions. It’s like ripping open an old wound. The scar is still there and will always be, but you don’t want to have to tell the story of how it got there over and over.
“He’s gone,” I whisper, my face moist with fresh tears, I can’t seem to stop.
Standing up, Zoe grabs her notebook and clutches it to her chest. She looks worried and she should be. “What do you mean, he’s gone?”
I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, squeezing. I stare down at the bed to avoid her questioning gaze. “He’s never coming back, Zoe. He took off again.”