by Vi Keeland
“He must have been working on those pills all day for them to take him that fast and I had no idea what he was even doing. I was fucking oblivious that he spent the whole damn night suffering. I wanted answers. Before I left, I grabbed the most important things to him to keep them safe. He told me if anything ever happened to him to keep his family, his drawings and his guitar safe. I didn’t understand at the time what he meant by if something happened to him, but right then it all made sense. He had been thinking about it for a while. The Harley was already over at a friend’s house where we were working on it, so I took that when I left as well.”
I place both of my hands to my face and sob. I can’t imagine what Adric went through his last moments of life. He was alone. No one was there to hold him. I wish I would have stayed home. I should have refused to go without the boys. Especially knowing now that he did it knowingly. He wanted to die and I never saw the signs. He was so good at hiding them. I didn’t realize his life was so hard. Sure, my dad was always gone and my mom emotionally checked out, leaving mine and Zoe’s well-being in his hands, but I thought he knew that one day he’d be free. He had dreams. Dreams bigger than anyone else I knew.
“Didn’t he love us?” I ask softly.
Removing his hands from his face, Kellan leans in close, grabbing my hands and pulling them to his lips so he can look me in the eyes. “What?” he whispers. “Of course he fucking loved you guys. Don’t ever question that again. Never, you got that?”
I nod my head and fall into his body. He holds me tight, both of us, quietly taking it all in. Somehow, as hurt as I am, I can’t stop there though. I need more and Kellan is the only one with answers.
“Tell me why you left, Kellan.”
His body stiffens and he lets go of me, backing away from my touch as if he’s ashamed. “I can’t do that, Phoenix. Please understand that,” he says softly. “I will not put you through that. I will not put that on you. It’s mine to bear.”
This angers me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell me the whole damn truth. Standing up, I search for my clothes, gather them up and walk to the bathroom to change.
When I walk back into the bedroom, Kellan is still sitting on the bed, shirtless with his head in his hands. He tilts his head to look at me when he notices me standing there fully clothed. “Stay,” he whispers. “You don’t have to leave. I want this to be your home. You deserve so much more than you have right now. Don’t go.”
I shake my head and back up as he stands, making his way toward me. “No. I’m not going to stay unless you can tell me the full truth. I want all of it. I need to know I can trust you. If you would keep this from me then what else would you keep from me? Why did you leave and why the fuck are you going to leave me again? You don’t care about me or Kade do you?”
His jaw hardens and he looks as if I’ve just slapped him across the face. The look softens my anger, but not enough to give it up. “You don’t think I care about you or Kade? You can’t be serious. You know me better than that Phoenix. I deserve better than that. I care a lot more than you know.” He reaches for my face, but I turn it away. He drops his hands. “I fucking love …”
“What Kellan?” I push his chest. “Don’t stop there. Are you too much of a coward? Is that why you left? Was Kade right about you? You left us here to rot without you. I fucking needed you. Kade needed you. You’re our family. All of us. You left. I loved you. Was that not a good enough reason to stay?” I cry. “You left and I wanted to die along with him because I didn’t have either of you.”
Before I can get away, his arms are wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly against his body. “You can believe that if you want,” he says in defeat. “It’s better than the truth. If you knew the truth, you’d never be able to look at me the same way.”
I struggle in his arms, but my body is weak from crying. I’m emotionally spent. I feel as if I’ve just been stabbed in the back and he’s slowly twisting the knife through my heart. I have gone too long without the truth and it’s all I want. I want to know about the man I love. I want to know why he keeps hurting me. I want to know why he knew about Adric and his drugs, but no one else did. I want to know where Adric got the drugs. Why did this all have to happen?”
“Where did Adric get the drugs, Kellan? Can you at least tell me that?” I’m defeated, knowing I’ll probably get nowhere with it, but try regardless. “Please, tell me. That’s all I ask. I need to know.”
I feel his heart beat quicken against my body and he pulls me even tighter. “I’m sorry. I can’t do that to you. Fuck, I can’t leave you here alone. You need people you care about to be here. I’m sorry. I would never leave you by choice. Just know that.”
“So that’s it!” I scream, squirming my way out of his firm grip. “You won’t tell me? Fuck you, Kellan!” I look him in the eyes and almost regret what I have to do. “I’m leaving.” I grab for my purse and make a run for the door. I don’t even care that I might have to walk for a few blocks and then call for a ride. I just need to get out of here. I can’t do it. I can’t take him hurting me again. He has the power to drain my heart, soul and spirit and he has.
Just as I reach the front door, I feel his hand grip my waist. “Don’t leave, dammit. I want you here with me.” He pulls me against his chest, slamming his lips to mine. His lips desperately search mine as he tangles his hands through my hair, holding me as if he never wants to let go.
Pulling away from the kiss, I shove him away and reach for the door. “We don’t always get what we want. Do we, Kellan?”
He stands there, nostrils flared as he looks me in the eyes. “Phoenix. Don’t do this. I’m begging you to stay. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t care.”
I swallow hard and wipe a hand over my mouth, showing him just how disgusted I am with him at the moment. “You have one last chance. Tell me everything or I walk. Should you choose the latter, I never want to see you again.” A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. “Once I’m out that door. I’m done with you. I never want to talk to you or see you again. I’ve already gone eight years without you, I’m pretty sure I can survive.”
I must have hit a nerve with that statement because he looks as if he’s about to break. Dammit, this hurts so bad. I can’t stand to see him this way. Please just tell me. Tell me so I can stay.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. That’s it?
“I guess I got my answer. I guess you don’t care about me enough.” With that, I am gone. I’m done with anything that has to do with Kellan. I pull the door open and walk outside, slamming it behind me. I hear things breaking inside as I walk down the steps, but I don’t stop. As much as I want to, I can’t. He’s made his choice and so have I. We’re done. I can never look at him the same way knowing he’s hiding the most important thing from me. I was so wrong to think he cared. He doesn’t. He was right, the old Kellan did die.
* * *
Surprisingly, Kade was pretty fast at picking me up. He tried questioning me, but I kept telling him I didn’t want to talk about it. That made the ride back to my car awkwardly silent, but I didn’t care. I will talk about it when I feel I can. I just need a little bit of time to work things out.
Afterward, I went home, cried in the shower and then quickly changed before jumping into my car and taking off. I wanted to get out of there before my sister and mom could wake up. Now, I’m at the Ranch with a few cans lined up, my pistol in my hand and tears streaking my face. I think this occasion definitely calls for blowing off some steam. I need this right now or I’ll lose it completely.
With each squeeze of the trigger, a tear trickles down my face, blurring my vision even more. This is doing nothing for me. I can’t even see where to aim and in this emotional state, someone could get hurt. Why? I can’t even have this! This has been my release for so long, but the pain of losing Kellan and finding out the truth about my brother is far too great. I didn’t discover my desire of target shooting until well after Adric was gone, bu
t I imagine this wouldn’t have helped for that situation either. This was all just crap that I assumed was my own personal therapy. I was wrong.
Setting my pistol down, I drop to my knees in the grass and bawl. I can’t hold it in any longer. I let it all out and curl into a ball, burying my face into my arm. The pain of finding out about Adric and losing Kellan reminds me too much of eight years ago. I feel dead inside. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t do this alone.
I sit in the grass for a good hour, staring off into nowhere, until I hear Kade approaching. It has to be him. No one else pays attention to me being out here but him. I don’t look up though. I don’t want to. I can’t handle him and his stupid questions right now.
“Will you talk to me now? What did he do to you?” He takes a seat beside me and picks at the grass, reaching for my leg, but I move it. He huffs and throws a piece of grass in front of him. “I told you he’s an ass. That son of a bitch. You should have listened to me. He’s no good. He proved that to us eight years ago, Phoenix.”
As much as Kellan has hurt me, I’m sick of Kade bad mouthing him. Regardless of what Kellan has done, they are still brothers. I could never talk about my family that way and he’s really pissing me off. Family should always stick together. I turn to him and yell, “Don’t talk that way about him!” As mad as I am, I feel the need to protect him, the one I love. Who the hell does he think he is? He hasn’t spent any time with Kellan since he’s been back. I have. “Kellan has been nothing but good to me. Don’t just don’t.”
More tears fall and I feel like a complete fool as I listen to my own words. Kellan has been so good to me over the years. He always protected me. He is still trying to, although I don’t want to be. I just want to know the truth. Someone has to tell me the damn truth.
This is worth a long shot but … “Did you know about Adric’s drug use and where he got them?”
Kade’s eyes go wide, before shaking it off as if it never happened. He clears his throat. “Not a thing. Maybe you should ask Kellan.” He stands up. “He’s the one that left, not me.”
He walks away, leaving me alone to hate myself and drown in my own misery. That’s exactly what I do.
Kellan
I can’t believe I just let her go. I’m so fucking stupid. I stare at the window, barely breathing as I watch her make her way down the street, no doubt hating my guts. Shit! What the hell was I thinking? I messed up. I really messed up. Losing her will be the death of me, but her hating me on top of it, is like pouring acid to my flesh, searing it to the bone.
I pick up the table next to me and toss it across the room, breaking it against the wall. Then I stomp over and push my TV over, the screen shattering at my feet. None of this shit matters to me. She does. It’s all replaceable, she isn’t. Why the fuck did I have to mess up? I grab the couch, flipping it over and into the wall. Nothing else in my life matters except her now. She’s the only thing that keeps me sane.
I pace around the living room, kicking at the mess. I need to stop her. Maybe I should just tell her everything. She’s going to hate me no matter what now. When she hears about what I did to Echo, that I almost killed a man, she will never look at me the same. She will see a fucking monster. That’s not who I am though. I had no choice. He left me without another option.
Flinging the front door open, I run outside into to the street, barefoot. I can’t see her anywhere. She must have turned somewhere to make it harder in case I decided to chase her down. She doesn’t want to see me. Shit! She really is done. Why am I so fucked up in the head?
I need to find her. I don’t have much time before I’ll be ran out of town again. Cape has already sent his message loud and clear by showing up at the bar to see Phoenix. He knows what that will do to me. He knows it will leave me with no choice but to do what he says. That son of a bitch has had me in my place since I fucked his brother up.
Shit! I’m going after her. I have to keep her close until I leave. I need her probably more then she needs me. It’s either now or never.
I slip on my boots, grab for the first shirt I see and run out to the garage, hitting the garage door button on the way. The door screeches as it slowly opens to Kenny and Larry grinning like fools. Shit, they always have bad timing.
“You have got to be kidding me! Not now, mother fuckers.” I reach for the door to my truck, but stop as Cape comes around the corner shaking his head.
He grins and runs his hand along my truck as he steps into the garage. “No need to be in such a hurry.” He walks over to my fucking bike and laughs. I swear on everything, he better not touch my shit or he’ll regret it. “Don’t worry, Phoenix is nice and safe,” he says pleased with himself. “Trust me, old friend.”
“You piece of shit!” I growl as I rush over to him, tossing my keys behind me. “If you fucking touch her-”
Cape holds his arm out, placing it to my chest to stop me, just as we get face to face. “Don’t worry. She left with Kade.” It’s kind of pathetic really. Kade is always there to come running when she calls, even knowing you’ve fucked her.” He takes his hand from my chest and pulls out a knife, flipping it around in his hand, before opening it. “I’m sure your brother will keep her safe. He’s had his eye on that sweet piece of ass for a long time. He might just get her when you fuck up, as I’m sure you will, if you haven’t already. Maybe they can keep each other safe. You know, in case you decide to fuck me over. How does that make you feel? The thought of Kade fucking your woman. Sliding inside the tight little pussy you just enjoyed. To share her. I’m sure he won’t mind. “
Okay, now he’s really pissing me off. He knows my buttons and he’s pressing them all. Him and his goons need to leave so I can go. “What. The. Fuck. Do. You. Want?” I growl. “I still have one more day. Now get the fuck out of my way.”
He looks at me, smiles and runs his knife down the length of my bike, scratching the paint off. I reach for him and grab his shirt, but Kenny and Larry must have gotten closer since last time I’d checked, because I’m suddenly pulled backwards. “I would watch yourself if I were you. Don’t forget who has the power to ruin every last thing you care about, you crazy shit. Don’t forget who has all the power here.”
Kenny yanks me harder as Cape shoves his boot into the bike, kicking it over. I stand there, breathing heavily, telling myself to keep it cool. If I make one wrong move then he might just go fucking nuts and kill me. Reacting is what fuels him. I can’t have that.
“I will be gone tomorrow,” I hiss. “But not before. I have something to deal with first. Now let go!” I pull away from Kenny and fix my shirt. Then I turn around, slamming my fist into the side of his head, knocking him to the ground. “Don’t ever fucking touch me again.” I look up and brush my shirt off.
Cape smiles as if he enjoyed the show before pointing at Larry to help Kenny up. “You’re pretty quick. No fucking shit! Echo is definitely a lot slower. Especially now. Now that he’s in a fucking wheel chair!” He screams in my face, spit spewing. He turns to his side show freaks and smiles wickedly. “Show this little shit how we do things around here. Things have changed a bit since last time you were here.”
Before I can even blink, Cape’s fist smashes into my right eye and my arms are being held back by Larry and Kenny so hard, it feels like the bone is snapping. He hits me one more time before I scream, “Fuck off!” I spit blood onto his boot and he punches me again, causing blood to pool in my mouth.
“Is that how you want to play it?” He holds his knife up, twirls it around and slices a hole into both tires of the Harley, before tearing it through the seat and stabbing it repeatedly with a wide smile. With each slice, I only want to kill him more. “Now that!” He smiles bigger and laughs. “Is how we do it around here. If you don’t want to see that pretty little slut and your brother meet this knife next, as I slit their throats, then I suggest you pack a bag and leave. Today … and when I say today, I mean you have twenty fucking min
utes.”
I yank one arm free and get just enough reach to pound it into Cape’s mouth, causing him to stumble backwards. “I will fucking kill you. Do you fucking hear me?” I get ready to pull my other arm free, but Cape jumps up and holds his knife to my throat, causing me to still. My heart is pounding so loudly, I’m sure it’s echoing off the walls of the garage. I’m on fire right now. “You sick bastard,” I mutter.
Cape snickers and points the tip at my throat as if I’m afraid to die. The only thing I’m afraid of, is losing them. If I knew me dying would keep them safe, then I’d say fucking do it. “You fucking know it. So what do you say you run along inside and grab your shit before someone gets hurt. I’d hate to have to kill three people today. I’ve already had to deal with an asshole today. I’m tired, dammit.”
The boys push me forward into Cape and he shoves me into the bike, kicking my legs out from below me. My face hits the front tire before a boot digs into my head. “Okay, I fucking get it!” I stay down on my knees and grip the motorcycle in my hands. I could kill them for doing this to Adric’s old bike, but I can’t. There’s no way that day could ever come. I have to go. I won’t risk my family getting hurt. “I will leave.” The boot releases my head and I look up at Cape, placing one hand on the ground to stand back up. “If I leave, you won’t hurt them, right? You said you wouldn’t fucking hurt them.”
A smirk pulls up on one side of his face and it makes my blood pump even more. “Nah, I had my fun already. Seeing you fall in love with your best friend’s fucking sister and losing her to your brother. Shit, that makes me happy. That’s classic! You’re lucky you got the time you did. Now, when you leave, you will be suffering even more. That makes me happy as fuck.” He points at his face and smiles big. “See. Happy. As. Fuck.”
Shit! That asshole is right. I pushed her right back into the arms of my brother and now I have no way of telling her … I love her. Now, she will never fucking know, but I couldn’t tell her about Kade. I couldn’t make her hate him because, whether I like it or not, she needs him. He needs her too in some screwed up way. I hate it, but I’m the one that screwed up. I won’t let them suffer.