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by Maya Banks
“Let’s do this,” she said.
CHAPTER 43
CYNTHIA Cambridge threw up her hands, despair radiating from her eyes as she faced her family—minus Honor, who was holed up in the library, her sanctuary. Everyone had gathered. Brad had come from work, no questions asked. Keith had secured release from fall training from his team the minute he’d received the news of Honor’s return home, and he had yet to return. Tate and Scott owned multiple local businesses and both made their homes nearby so they had been there in minutes. Mandie, like Keith, had yet to return to her job.
They all looked to their mother—wife—worry tight in their chests. Cynthia looked worn and haggard, so much grief in her expression that they all feared the worst.
“This has to end,” Cynthia said, near tears.
Mike, her husband, pulled his wife into his arms, his distress as great as hers, though he held it tightly reined because he sensed just how close his beloved wife was to her breaking point.
“She’s not getting better. She’s sick. She won’t talk about it—anything.”
“We knew this wouldn’t be easy, Mom,” Brad, her oldest son, said.
He was in uniform and had come when his father had called, telling him he was needed at home. His deputies could hold down the fort in his absence. Family—his sister—was more important.
“She’s recovering physically,” Tate said cautiously. “A breeze would have knocked her over when she first came back. She’s gained weight. She’s eating.”
“I agree with Mom,” Mandie said firmly. “She’s recovering from her wounds, her injuries. In fact, you can barely see them. Except her wrists,” she added with a frown.
The Marine who’d brought Honor home to them had said that her wrists and ankles had been so tightly manacled that the metal had to be pried from her flesh. But there were underlying wounds. Cuts that had been stitched. They didn’t know, but they suspected . . . However, no one ever mentioned it because it meant acknowledging just how bad it must have been for Honor to have tried to take her own life. And it was more than they could bear to have it confirmed that she’d been so desperate as to try to end her misery.
“But she is sick,” Mandie continued. “Something’s wrong with her. She can’t keep anything down. She’s pale and so fragile. I’m worried. Really worried. I think we should take her to the doctor.”
Her father sighed. Honor had refused to go back to the doctor after the preliminary examinations, treatments and vitamin regimen she’d been placed on. She’d refused counseling, even though all of them urged her to talk to someone, because she wasn’t talking to them. And if something didn’t give soon, she was going to shatter, and he wasn’t sure they’d get her back this time. If his wife and daughter planned to take Honor to the doctor, they were going to have one hell of a fight on their hands.
“We’ve all been careful with Honor. Maybe too careful,” Cynthia acknowledged. “But now we have to present a united front and give her no choice. Mandie and I are taking her to the doctor. I’ve already called the clinic, and they’ll see her today.”
“And you wanted us here for the extra muscle,” Keith said wryly.
“No. For support,” his mother corrected. “We love her and I refuse to let her waste away into nothing. She may hate me, but at least she’ll be alive to do it.”
“I will never hate you, Mom,” Honor said quietly from the doorway of the kitchen.
They had been so absorbed in their discussion and concern, they hadn’t heard Honor enter the kitchen.
“I’m sorry I’ve worried you. All of you,” she added, sweeping her glance over each family member, sorrow and apology bright in her eyes. “If going to the doctor will ease your worry, then I’ll go. I’m sure it’s just a stomach bug or something. After everything else I’ve had happen, this hasn’t even registered on my radar,” she said honestly.
Brad’s features darkened into a mask of hatred at the mention of all his sister had suffered. He was the sheriff, sworn to uphold the law and seek justice. By the book. But by all that was holy, if he could have gotten his hands on the bastards who’d tortured Honor, he’d have killed them in cold blood and suffered absolutely no remorse.
“I’m going too,” Mandie said, sliding her arm through Honor’s and then offering her sister an affectionate squeeze. “No way I’d leave you to Mom’s mercy alone. She can be ruthless. She’ll probably have the poor doctor stammering his way through the exam.”
Honor smiled. Mandie could defuse any situation with her wit and humor. It was one of the many reasons she loved her sister so dearly. She loved them all, and she realized, to her shame, that she wasn’t the only one suffering. She’d been selfish and self-absorbed while her family were clearly at their wit’s end.
“I am sorry,” Honor said, sincerity ringing in her voice. “I didn’t mean to be such a burden to you all and worry you so much. I’ve been selfish.”
Her mom rounded the corner of the island and caught Honor in a fierce hug.
“You are not a burden. You are not selfish, and I won’t have you saying so. You’re our baby, Honor. The heart and soul of this entire family. Always the peacemaker, always the first one to smooth things over. The first to offer a hug. You’ve always known what everyone needs and given it without hesitation. You have the most generous heart of anyone I know. Of course we worry. Because of all people you didn’t deserve what happened to you!”
Tears fell freely and Honor could no longer tell if it was her mother hugging her or Honor hugging her mother.
And then Brad gently pried them apart and enveloped Honor in his arms. Always the big brother. Her protector. She’d been his shadow since the day she learned to walk as a toddler, and he’d never minded, had never been too busy for his baby sister. How she loved them all. She’d missed her family. The closeness. The unconditional love of a tight-knit family unit.
“I’m angry,” he said in a low voice against her ear. “I see shit every day and nothing compares to what was done to you. Goddamn it, you of all people didn’t deserve this. You are everything that is good in this world, Honor. Not one of us could have done what you did. Give selflessly of yourself to help people no one else would help, knowing and accepting the risk, knowing it could mean your life. Burden? You are a gift, baby girl, and don’t you ever forget it. I love you above all others. I always will. From the day you were born, I knew you were something special and that you would accomplish great things. I just never imagined the sacrifices you would have to make in order to answer your calling.”
Honor’s eyes watered, when she hadn’t cried since the first time she’d come home to her parents. She knew they worried that she was in denial. That she wasn’t dealing with her demons and only suppressing them. But the truth was, she was numb and grieving for what they knew nothing of. God, if only the torture and abuse were all she had to deal with. But she’d never get over Hancock and his betrayal. God help her, but she loved him still. After everything he’d done, the promises he’d broken, making love to her and making her believe he felt for her what she felt for him. She couldn’t bring herself to truly hate him, and that made her angry. Furious.
“If we’re going to make the appointment, then we need to get moving,” her mother said briskly, wiping away her tears and slipping into mom mode. “I’ll expect the guys to take care of dinner tonight since my daughters and I won’t be back until late. They’re working her in as the last appointment of the day.”
Tate gave a lazy grin. “I think we can handle that.”
• • •
TWO hours later, Honor walked numbly back into the waiting room where Mandie and her mother sat. Her mom hadn’t been pleased that Honor had insisted on seeing the doctor alone and so wasn’t privy to the doctor’s diagnosis. But Honor knew that her mom would have harangued the doctor and they would still be in the exam room if Honor hadn’t put her foot down and made her mother and sister wait outside.
Her mom and sister immediately picke
d up on Honor’s somber, shocked demeanor, and they both bolted from their chairs and surrounded her immediately.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” her mother demanded.
Honor held up a shaking hand. It was all she could do to keep what little control she had in check and not shatter in front of the entire waiting room.
“Please, not here,” she whispered. “Please, let’s just go home. I’ll tell you everything there. But not here. Please.”
Her mom’s mouth set into a mutinous line, but Mandie, sensing how dangerously close Honor was to breaking down, wrapped a supportive arm around Honor’s waist and began walking out of the clinic and into the parking lot.
“You drive, Mom,” Mandie said firmly. “I’ll sit in the back with Honor.”
Honor squeezed Mandie’s hand when she slid into the backseat with Honor and offered her a silent thank-you that she knew held unshed tears.
Mandie squeezed back and then whispered as their mother started the engine, “Whatever it is, Honor, we’re behind you. We’ll get through it together. Don’t worry. You’re home now and you’re never going to be away from us again.”
Honor leaned into her sister, surprising her with her need for comfort. Honor had been distant with all her family, only giving them the affection they seemed to need but never seeking it out for herself.
Mandie hugged her tightly, meeting her mother’s worried gaze in the rearview mirror. Cynthia, always a careful driver, broke every traffic law in her bid to get her daughter home as quickly as possible.
Her father and brothers would be waiting. While Cynthia had banned them from going, they’d been firm when they said they’d all be there when she returned. How could she face them with what she had to tell them? What she’d never told them. Now, they would have to know every shameful aspect of her ordeal.
They pulled into the drive and Honor quickly extricated herself from her sister’s fierce hold and hurried inside. As she’d known, her father and brothers were in the living room, doing little to disguise their impatience and worry.
Mandie and her mother came in behind her, and her father and brothers looked expectantly at her. It was simply too much.
She burst into tears, to the horror of her brothers, especially Brad, and then she rushed by them, yanking open the door to the back deck. She fell back into the swing she’d always found comfort in growing up, and the tears flowed.
“What the hell is wrong, Cynthia?” Mike demanded, his gaze even now staring in the direction of where Honor had disappeared.
“I don’t know,” Cynthia said in frustration. “She didn’t say anything. She looked like a ghost when she came back into the waiting room, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said, ‘Not here.’ She begged me not to talk about it there. She said she’d tell us when we got home.”
“Let me go talk to her,” Brad said in a low voice.
Brad had always had a close relationship with his youngest sister. He’d known from a very young age that she was special. Different. Tenderhearted and good. Never having a bad thing to say about anyone, and she would do anything for anyone in need.
He’d been the strongest objector to her going to the Middle East, but he’d also understood her drive. But he hadn’t wanted her there. He wanted her here where he could protect her. Where no harm could come to her. And the very thing he’d feared the worst had come to pass.
But she was alive. She was their miracle. But now she was hurting and had retreated even from her family when she’d never been anything but honest and open. Whatever was wrong was worse than what she’d already confided in him, and that terrified him. What could possibly be worse than what she’d endured? He faced horrific circumstances in his job as a cop, but he was always able to shake fear’s hold on him. Now? Fear gripped him, paralyzing him. It choked him until he could barely breathe.
Not waiting for anyone to object, he turned and followed Honor’s path to the back porch, and when he stepped out, hearing and seeing her sobbing as if her heart were breaking—had already broken—emotion knotted his throat and he struggled to keep his own tears at bay. Because Honor needed his strength. Now more than ever.
Quietly so as not to startle her, he eased into the swing beside her and tucked her fragile body against his side.
“What’s wrong, baby girl?” he asked in a gentle tone. “You know you can talk to me about anything. Whatever is wrong, we’ll fix it.”
“I can’t fix this,” she said, sorrow thick in her voice. “No one can. I’m pregnant, Brad. Oh God, I’m pregnant.”
He sucked in his breath, his expression stricken at first and then murderous. “You didn’t tell us . . . I mean, you didn’t tell us much at all. Just the pain and torture. You didn’t say you’d been raped.”
Grief simmered in his eyes and he leaned over, pulling her into his arms, holding her and rocking her back and forth, his body trembling with sorrow.
She burrowed into his arms, soaking up his strength and love. Always her big brother and protector.
“I wasn’t raped,” she whispered. “Some tried but the man . . . the man who is the father of my child protected me. He made sure they didn’t rape me. But . . . he betrayed me. I trusted him. He told me he was taking me home, that I would be safe and that he would be with me all the way. But then he drugged me and turned me over to Maksimov and I don’t understand why. Why deceive me? Why make me think he cared? Why seduce me and tell me he would get me back to my family and then drug me? I woke up a prisoner of a man who tried to rape me twice. And then he turned me over to a man who tortured me. Shocked me. Beat me. He wanted to break me, but I was already broken. Hancock did that. No one else.
“Until then I was strong. I refused to give up. I fought, and I wasn’t going down without a fight. But when he betrayed me, I gave up. I no longer had anything to fight for. I didn’t care. I had nothing to live for, and I never wanted my family to see me so weak and shattered.”
“Oh, honey,” her brother said in an aching voice muffled by her hair. “I’m so sorry for all you went through. Are still going through,” he amended. He kissed the top of her head and simply held her for several long moments, allowing silence to descend as her sobbing quieted. He gave the swing a gentle push with his foot every now and again, soothing her. Not pressuring her to say more than she was willing. Just waiting for her to talk to him in her own time. Though secretly he wanted to track down the damn Marine that had returned Honor and grill him about this Hancock guy. In particular, where Brad could find him. And then he wanted to exact some old school justice that would forever ban him from a law enforcement career.
It would be worth it.
He sighed as he stroked her back. “I know this is a shock. And I know you’ve been through the unthinkable. But you have options, honey. If having this baby hurts you, is a constant reminder of pain and betrayal, you can terminate the pregnancy. You can give it up for adoption. You can do whatever is best for you. Do you understand that? For once, think of yourself. There’s no crime in that. Especially with all you’ve endured. No one would blame you. No one would condemn you.”
“No!” she said fiercely. “This child is innocent. This baby did nothing wrong and I refuse to be so selfish as to refuse to have it because it brings back painful memories. This child—my child—deserves life and I won’t give it up. I’ll go away. I don’t want to shame you and the rest of my family. None of you deserve that.”
“The hell you will,” Brad said savagely. “You need your family now more than ever, and if you think for one moment that we will allow you to leave because you don’t want to shame us, then you’re out of your goddamn mind. Never has there been a more courageous, giving woman than you, and I’ll be damned if you bear this alone. Your family will be with you every step of the way. I will be with you every step of the way. Shame us? Never has a family had more reason to be proud of a daughter and sister than we do. And I don’t give a damn what others think or say. I’ll stand behind you and my niece or neph
ew all the way and fuck anyone who has anything to say about it.”
“Your brother is right,” her father said from behind them.
Honor turned and bowed her head when she realized the entire family had followed Brad to the back porch and had heard every damning word.
“You will not bow your head as though you have something to be ashamed of,” her mother said fiercely. “You were a victim. This is not your fault. This is not your doing. And by God, we will all be with you every step of the way.”
Honor lifted her gaze to see the same determination in every family member’s eyes. And she burst into tears all over again.
Mandie walked forward, taking the only other seat on the other side of Honor so that Honor was sandwiched between her and Brad.
“Will you tell us about it now, Honor? We’ve known that you’ve been holding back. That something hurt you terribly, but you’ve refused to speak of it. You can only go so long before you break.”
“I’m already broken,” Honor said bleakly.
Brad cupped her chin, forcing her gaze to his. “The hell you are. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. You may be down but you aren’t out. Not by a long shot. And if you’ll let us help you, if you’ll confide in us, we can help you. You can’t keep this bottled up any longer. Lean on us, honey. That’s what family is for. You’d do the same for us and you know it. You’d never accept silence from one of us if you knew we were hurting, and we’re damn sure not going to accept it from you. I believe in you, Honor. Even if you don’t believe in yourself right now.”
She leaned into him, hugging him, wrapping herself completely around him, holding on for dear life. She squeezed her eyes shut as more tears streamed soundlessly down her cheeks. Her muffled “I love you” was returned gruffly by Brad.
And then she told them every single part that she’d left out. About her falling in love with Hancock and his promise, after making love to her, that he’d find another way. That he wouldn’t sacrifice her for the greater good. And that he’d lied and how that, not anything else done to her, had destroyed her.