I couldn’t even form complete sentences, but Felicia seemed to understand what I was saying. “I’ve known Hayden a long time. He’s always been fearless, a little reckless, and utterly devoted to those he loves. It was that insane commitment that ended up pushing me away. It was too much, too intense, and I was too young, too scared of what would happen to me if I lost him…so stupidly enough, I let him go. And it was the biggest mistake of my life.” As a tear dropped down her cheek, she held my gaze. “Don’t make my mistake, Kenzie.”
Stunned, I blurted out, “And don’t make mine.”
Now Felicia was the one who was confused. With a half-smile, I explained. “I gave up everything I loved for a boy. I gave up my dream.” Swallowing a painful lump in my throat, I tried to control the swirling emotions within me. My voice was passionate when I could speak again. “Don’t stop racing because of Hayden. If being on a bike is where you’re meant to be, then don’t let him stop you from doing that. Get your ass on a bike.”
A small smile cracked her lips. “I’m surprised to hear that, coming from you. If I do what you say, then we’ll be competitors again.”
“I welcome competition.” So long as it has nothing to do with my boyfriend. But…since Hayden and I weren’t together anymore, that was no longer an issue.
Felicia’s expression turned thoughtful, and I knew she was considering my comment…just as I was considering hers. My eyes drifted back down to the ring in my fingers. Hayden had held onto this for so long, maybe as a reminder of his pain, a reminder to never love that fully again. Or maybe it was hope that had made him cling to the piece. Hope that Felicia would return, and they could resume what they’d had when she did. But then, when she had returned, and they’d been free to be together—no guilt, no worries—he’d rejected her, and let go of that last physical tie between them. He’d let go of his past, because of me. Because he loved me too much to be with someone else. Because he wanted to be with me. Only me.
My heart began surging in my chest as that realization washed over me. Everything had been for me—the good, the bad—all of it. I had his heart, wholly and truly, and he would never let me go. Not without a fight. And now that he knew, now that he fully understood just how deeply I detested him lying to me, I had a feeling that would never come between us again. He’d be honest to a fault now, which might cause very different problems, but I welcomed that challenge.
I felt dizzy, and I knew I was breathing harder than I should be. He loves me. Just me. “I should go,” I whispered to Felicia.
She nodded, like she understood. As I stood on shaky legs, I handed her back the ring. “I think you should keep this,” I told her. “Keep it as a reminder, to not run away from the things that scare you.” That might be something else that we had in common; I’d fled from Hayden just as surely as she had.
With a sigh, Felicia wrapped her fingers around it. “Maybe I’ll give it to Keith. Get him to take it as payment for rehiring me.”
That made a genuine laugh escape me. “I don’t think you’ll have any problems getting Keith to take you back.” He’d put her on the team just to spite me. Although…I didn’t really feel jealous or spiteful of her anymore. As a rider, she was fine. She was an equal I could test myself against. As a person, though, well, I still wasn’t sure about that.
I turned around to leave, then stopped myself. I’d come here for a reason. I couldn’t do that without saying all of it. Twisting back to her, I said, “If I do take Hayden back…” and that was a very large if… “then the two of you can’t be—”
She cut me off with a raise of her hand. “I already deleted his number, Kenzie. I’m well aware that the two of us can’t be friends. Not anymore.”
Relief coursed through me at hearing that. Maybe I wouldn’t have to fight her every step of the way. I still wasn’t sure if I was going to take Hayden back, but it was nice to know she wouldn’t be interfering if I did. And that begged the question…was I going to?
***
CHAPTER 23
~Hayden~
I couldn’t sleep. I’d been tossing and turning for the last several hours, my every thought centered on what I’d be doing in the morning. I was going to be racing…for Kenzie. She’d be my boss, and I’d be her faithful employee. And that was all we’d be, since she still couldn’t forgive me.
I really thought she’d cool down if I gave her space, but no…something was still sparking her anger, reigniting it over and over again. I’d hurt her so deeply, and that really fucking killed me. All I could see in the darkness of my room, was the look in her eyes when she’d realized I’d been lying to her. I didn’t think I’d ever get that haunting grief out of my mind.
Since sleep was eluding me, I tossed off the covers and hopped out of bed. I needed something to shut off my mind. Grabbing a blanket, I shuffled out the door and wandered to the living room. I could watch some mindless TV while I waited for exhaustion to overtake me.
Hookup’s house was surprisingly empty. Even though it was the middle of the night, there were usually people here, crashed on the couch or playing a late-night game of poker. But ever since Hookup had announced that he was giving up the life he’d known for so long, things around here had quieted down. The party was finally over, and while typically I was grateful for that, tonight I kind of wanted the distraction.
Sitting on his couch, I turned on the TV and started looking for something halfway decent to watch. I ended up finding replays of the race from this past weekend. Watching the bikes fly around the course was bittersweet; I’d known I would miss it, but I hadn’t realized how much until I was there—watching, and not participating. It was torture. Slow, agonizing torture. But Kenzie…she’d nailed it. Everything she’d done out there had been spot-on perfect. I’d never been prouder of her. And had never felt so distant, like I was on the outside, looking in. Watching her triumph, and not being able to celebrate the victory with her, that had been worse than not racing. She was all I wanted, and she was completely out of reach.
“Oh good, you’re up.”
I turned my head to see Hookup shuffling out of the kitchen, a tall glass of milk in his hand. God, he really had changed. Not that long ago, he would have been walking out with a six-pack under his arm. “Yeah…couldn’t sleep.”
Hookup nodded, like he understood insomnia. Sitting beside me, he drank a bit of his milk, then set it on the coffee table. “So, uh, I was going to wait until morning, but now seems as good a time as any.”
Curious, I asked, “Good of time for what?”
Hookup skewed his face in reluctance, like he didn’t want to tell me what he had to say. “I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’ve decided…I’m gonna sell this place. I’m thinking it will go pretty fast, too, so you should probably start looking for somewhere else to stay.”
My jaw nearly hit the floor. “You’re…? Are you serious? You love this place.” Hookup was the king of this particular jungle, and I was floored that he wanted to leave his kingdom behind.
Hookup rubbed his jaw. “Yeah…I did love it…once. But I want to be closer to Izzy and Antonia. I was actually thinking of buying a place for all of us. Something close to the hospital, but outside of the city. Something with a big backyard for Antonia. Something nice…she deserves nice. They both do.”
I just kept staring at him, stunned. It was like he’d been abducted and replaced by…by a caring, thoughtful creature who put other’s needs first. Hookup wanted to live in the suburbs? Willingly? I still couldn’t get over it.
Hookup looked around his place, and I knew he was seeing more than the cracks in the walls. “And besides,” he said, “I’m kind of over…all this. It’s time to move on, you know?”
I did know. I’d wanted to move on from this a long time ago, and I’d tried—several times—to do just that. Smiling at him, I nodded. “I think that’s great, Tony. Antonia will love having you around.”
Hookup grinned, then his face turned more serious. “She wants you ar
ound too. Maybe you could find a place near us?”
“Maybe. I’m gonna be pretty busy though. Kenzie hired me as a rider for Cox Racing.”
Hookup’s face nearly split in two he was smiling so wide. “Dude, she did? That’s great!”
“Yeah,” I said with a smile. “I was going to tell you on the way back from Jersey, but it, uh, didn’t feel real at the time. Still doesn’t actually. That’s why I’m not sleeping. Just trying to wrap my head around…my life.”
Hookup playfully socked me in the arm. “I thought for sure you two were splitsville for good. I’m glad she finally got over it. And it’s not like much happened with you and Felicia anyway. A little reunion sex is to be expected, but it’s not like you were bangin’ her every night.” His expression grew contemplative. “Or were you?”
A long, weary sigh escaped me. “For the millionth time, I wasn’t sleeping with Felicia. Not once since she’s been back. No sex. At all. Period.”
Hookup looked disappointed as he shook his head. “Yeah, all right. I don’t get it, but all right…” He smiled and slugged me in the arm. “Either way, I’m glad your woman got over it and took you back.”
I sighed again, but sadly this time. “She didn’t. I’m racing for her…but that’s it. She still doesn’t want… She wants to stay broken up.” And I had no idea how I was going to be around her all the time, but not be with her. Just thinking about it made a sharp pain slice through my chest. The real torture was only just beginning.
Hookup was silent a moment. Then he grabbed his milk and took another swig. At that moment, I really wished he did have a six-pack. Or a fifth of whiskey. “Sucks, man…sorry,” he finally said.
“Yeah,” I murmured, my eyes refocusing on the race highlights currently showing Kenzie’s flawless form. “I’m sorry too.” For so many things.
Hookup went back to bed after finishing his glass of milk. I stayed on the couch, watching numerous different sports recaps until I finally, thankfully drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, nerves were eating holes through my body. Shit. It was time to see her. To see her and act like absolutely nothing was off between us, like me being her employee—and only her employee—was completely normal. Yep. Just another day at work.
Hookup’s place was pretty far from the racetrack, and I still didn’t have a vehicle, so I borrowed Hookup’s car and started making my way back to Oceanside. I needed to get my life together. With Hookup selling his place and moving somewhere with Izzy, I’d need to find my own place soon. My own place, and my own vehicle; it was time for me to truly stand on my own two feet, with no one helping me up. It was something I should have done a long time ago, then maybe I wouldn’t have felt so indebted to Keith.
When I finally got to the turnoff for the practice track, I stopped Hookup’s car so I could take in the fresh new sign along the road. Cox Racing / Benneti Motorsports Practice Track. God, it was so good to see Cox Racing back up there; the sign had looked incomplete without it.
A few moments later, when I reached the outer gate, I realized that there was a small problem. I no longer had a key. I’d have to ride around back and break in, but I really didn’t want to do that. If I was going to truly leave that world behind me, then I needed to start doing things by the book. That meant taking out a loan when I needed money. It also meant not breaking and entering.
Pulling my phone out of my jacket pocket, I debated if I should call Kenzie and ask her to let me in, or call Nikki. Nikki would certainly be the easier way to go, but taking the easy road hadn’t gotten me very far lately. Chewing on my lip, I scrolled down to Kenzie’s number. That was when I noticed a motorcycle stopping at my window.
Looking over, I saw a woman sitting there, staring in my direction, a dark helmet covering her face. Kenzie? I instantly glanced down at the bike. No, not Kenzie. Felicia. I hadn’t talked to her since I’d given her the engagement ring. After Keith had said she’d quit, I kind of thought she’d taken off again. Even though Izzy had said she was still around, it was shocking to see that was true. What was she doing here at the track though? I would think this would be the last place she’d want to be.
I rolled down my window while she popped open her visor. “Going inside?” she asked, tilting her head toward the gate.
Curiosity killed me as I nodded. “Yeah. Can you let me in?”
She nodded, then pulled forward to the gate. Inserting her key card, she punched in the code and the gate instantly began to open. She still had access? Obviously she hadn’t turned hers in once she’d quit. I kind of wished I hadn’t turned mine in either.
The gate rolled open, and she punched it, so I had time to follow her through before it started closing. Once she was on the other side, she stopped and waited for me. “What are you doing here?” she said.
With a short laugh, I told her, “I was just about to ask you the same thing.”
She smiled, then sucked her lip into her mouth, a nervous habit. “I’m about to storm into Keith’s office and demand that he takes me back. Or beg him to take me back, whichever one I need to do.”
For the second time today, I was stunned. “You’re going to race for him again. I thought you were done?”
She gave me a small smile. “I thought I was too, but then someone convinced me that I shouldn’t give up on my dream.”
Her lips curved up into a strange, knowing smile that truly baffled me. I had no idea what secret message she was trying to convey, but then I started thinking about her words. Someone had convinced her to not give up on her dream—her racing dream. “Kenzie?” I blurted out. “You talked to Kenzie?”
Felicia laughed at my reaction. “Yeah, I was shocked too. She came by my house, told me I shouldn’t throw away my dream for a boy. I still can’t believe she wants me to race.”
Pain and guilt lashed across my soul. Don’t give up your dream for a boy? See, Kenzie…I knew you’d resent me. Shaking my head, I told Felicia, “I think she just doesn’t want to see another person have to walk away from something they love to do.” Hope rising inside my chest, I hesitantly added, “Did she…did she mention me?”
Felicia frowned, and I felt a bit of despair creep in. “Yeah, you…came up.”
“And…?” Did she say if she’d ever forgive me?
With a sad smile on her face, Felicia said, “I told her she didn’t have to worry about you and me anymore. That ship has sailed.”
I was surprised to not only hear her say that, but to hear her confess she’d told Kenzie that. I wanted to thank her, but it felt inappropriate, so I stayed quiet on the subject. Not sure what to say, I mumbled, “You didn’t run? When Keith said you’d quit, I thought for sure you’d bail again.”
Her smile widened, but didn’t grow any warmer. “I told you I changed…”
For her sake, I hoped she had. “Good luck in there with Keith. You won’t need it, but good luck all the same.”
Her smile finally turned bright. “Thanks.”
I turned my gaze to the parking lot, and was nearly assaulted by the sight of Kenzie’s truck. She was here…this was happening.
“Hey, Hayden…”
Turning back, I saw Felicia still sitting there on her bike, studying me. When she had my attention, she said, “Good luck with Kenzie.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, not feeling my chances were anywhere near as positive as hers were with Keith.
Felicia’s eyes searched mine, and her voice grew soft. “Don’t let her go, Hayden. If you really want to be with her, then keep fighting for her.”
Her advice made me smile. “I plan to.” No, if there was one thing in this world that I would gladly spend every moment of the rest of my life doing, it was winning Kenzie back. Nothing else mattered.
Felicia nodded, then twisted like she was going to leave. “Hey, Felicia,” I said, stopping her. She turned back to me, and I held my breath. What I was about to say wasn’t easy, but I knew I needed to say it. I knew from experience how awful it felt to not have someon
e’s forgiveness, and I couldn’t keep punishing her for a mistake she made over four years ago. “I forgive you for leaving, and for not telling me what you were going through. I forgive you for all of it.”
Her eyes lit up with a combination of hope and joy. “Really?”
An overwhelming sense of relief came over me as I nodded. “Yeah…really.” What I’d forgotten was that it felt just as good to forgive as it did to be forgiven. I’d been hanging onto that pain for far too long.
Felicia grinned, looking more pleased than I’d seen in a while. “Thank you,” she whispered, then she turned toward the track and sped off, to go chase her dream with Keith Benneti. I wished her luck. Hopefully it wouldn’t bite her in the ass like it had me.
It physically hurt to park next to Kenzie’s truck. Being that close made a flood of memories go through me. The fights, the passion, the sex…the love. There was so much about her that I missed, so much about her that I knew I couldn’t live without. Back when I’d been with Felicia, I’d thought I’d had that intense level of love, of companionship, but I’d only scratched the surface. I just hadn’t realized it until I’d met Kenzie. And now it might be too late to fix it.
Shaking off my melancholy, I shut off the car and stepped outside. Walking up to the track was a new experience for me; I usually rode my street bike right up to the garage. Or I used to ride Keith’s street bike to the garage, I guess I should say. Getting my own motorcycle was high on my list of priorities. Just under getting back with Kenzie and finding a place to live.
My eyes drifted to the left side of the track when I entered the main complex. The way things ended with Keith still left a bitter taste in my mouth. So did the way he’d tampered with my personal life. Wanting me to race better was one thing, wanting me to date better was another.