And that was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? Because the truth was, so long as she was in the picture, I didn’t think I’d ever one hundred percent believe him. Even if he was perfect. Even if he wasn’t keeping things from me. My eyes began filling with tears as a desolate future of distrust filled my vision. “The painful truth is, Hayden…I’ll never entirely believe you. I can’t, not while she’s in your life.”
Hayden gaped at me, shocked. “Then where does that leave us, Kenzie?”
“I don’t know.” And it broke my heart not to.
Hayden and I were silent after that. There just wasn’t anything else to say. I got dressed in my uniform, he got ready to go to the track. Then we went downstairs, hopped in his sporty rental car, and drove to the track, all in silence. The stillness was so thick between us, it was almost suffocating. But there was nothing that could be done about it, and that was the worst part. We were on paths neither one of us could change, and unfortunately, they were heading in opposite directions.
Hayden had a good day on the racetrack, finishing third while Myles finished second. Felicia snapped up fourth place, a fact that grated every nerve inside me. I hated that she was good at her job, I hated that she had a history with Hayden that wouldn’t go away, I hated that she was here at all. Would Hayden and I be having all these trust issues if she were gone? Probably not. And that really made me wonder…were all successful relationships purely circumstantial? If everyone was tested like we were being tested, would every couple fail? Did love need optimal conditions to survive? That thought didn’t make me feel good about anyone’s chances.
***
CHAPTER 15
~Hayden~
Monterey was a disaster, on so many levels. My career was going amazing and I was racing better than I ever had before, but everything else was slipping. I couldn’t keep doing this. I needed to stop street racing. The lies about parties with Keith…that now involved Felicia too…were getting out of control. It was time for my extracurricular activities to end. Problem was, they couldn’t.
The more money I could approach Jordan with, the better; I probably had enough now to pay for about half the property in cash. He had to change his mind soon about selling. Financially, he couldn’t hold out forever, and so far as Keith knew, we were the only bite Jordan was getting. Hopefully that didn’t change in the next couple of months.
My bigger problem with trying to get out of street racing, though, was Hookup. He’d spill everything to Kenzie if I left. The only way to get myself out of this nightmare, was to get the track from Jordan, quit racing for Hookup, then tell Kenzie everything. It had to happen that way, in that order. Any other scenario ended in everything falling apart, I was sure.
That still left Felicia though. And unfortunately, I didn’t have a carefully crafted schedule of events to guide me through that problem. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do about her. Except try to ignore her as much as possible. That was harder to do after my…fantasy. I was just too aware of her now. And Kenzie… God, I still couldn’t look her in the eye sometimes.
Luckily the twisted fantasy hadn’t happened again, but I was scared it might, and I was starting to feel reluctant around Kenzie. I’d managed to hide the reaction so far, so I didn’t think Kenzie suspected the truth, but with everything else that was going on, not wanting to have sex with my girlfriend was the absolute worst thing that could happen to us. For the health of my relationship, I needed to get my shit together, and stop being afraid of another woman slipping into my love life. I needed closure. And that meant I needed to talk to Felicia. Really talk to her. Fuck.
Hearing a dog barking and a child laughing helped push away my dark thoughts. Buying Antonia that puppy was probably the only smart decision I’d made all year. The tiny Shih Tzu had acclimated to her new surroundings, and was no longer a quivering mess of fear. Antonia had named her Sundae, since she kind of looked like a hot fudge sundae. Sundae was currently licking Antonia’s face with abandon, and she was giggling so hard, she could barely breathe.
When she started coughing and gagging, I worried that it was too much for her. I stood up to pull the dog off Antonia, but Izzy gestured for me to sit back down. “It’s fine, she’ll be okay.” As I sank back down to the couch cushions, Antonia hacked a few more times, but then she was done. All smiles, she squeezed her puppy tight. Seeing that she was better made me relax.
Izzy smiled sweetly at her daughter, then cast a look at me. Rolling her eyes, she reluctantly said, “You might have been right about the dog. I think Antonia needed Sundae.” I nodded at her correct assessment. Even if it did mean more work for Izzy, pets did wonders for the soul.
Sundae started sniffing around the carpet. “Need to go potty?” Antonia asked. She glanced at her mom, looking for permission.
Izzy nodded, and Antonia picked up the puppy and headed out back with her. After she left, Izzy turned her calculating eyes on me. “So…you’re here during the day, when you’re usually at the track. And you’re here without Kenzie. I’m assuming that means you want to talk to me. What’s up?”
I immediately shook my head. “Nothing is up. I wanted to see Antonia, and I just got back from an event a couple of days ago, so I don’t really need to practice right now. It’s cool.”
“So why didn’t you bring Kenzie then? I’m sure she’d love to see Antonia again, even if she did visit yesterday.”
A sigh escaped me. Because I need a break from the guilt I feel around her. I couldn’t say that, so I shrugged. “She…had plans. And just because we’re together, doesn’t mean we have to spend every second together, you know. We’re still our own persons.”
“Huh,” she said, still examining me. “So, it has nothing to do with the fact that you’ve been secretly texting Felicia and going to all these parties with her?”
Heat instantly burst through my veins. “I’m not texting her or going to parties with her! She texts me, and I sometimes respond. And the parties are…coincidental.” And being questioned about it was beginning to piss me off. Did no one trust me? And yes, I realized how that sounded, considering how often I lied to people.
Izzy’s eyes widened at my outburst. “Wow, touchy subject.”
Closing my eyes, I tried to regain my calm. It was surprisingly difficult. “I’m just…tired of arguing about it.”
“Hayden…are you and Kenzie okay?”
I reopened my eyes to see Izzy giving me a look saturated with concern. “Yeah, of course,” I told her. “We’re fine.” We would be fine, once all this was over.
She just kept staring at me, boring holes into me with her I-know-you’re-lying eyes. I looked away from her, but didn’t say anything else. I’d been telling the truth anyway. We were fine. Not great, not horrible…just…fine.
Seeing that I wasn’t going to willingly spill anymore details, Izzy sighed and said, “All right, Hayden. But I hope you know what you’re doing. For Kenzie’s sake. And Felicia’s.”
I snapped my eyes to hers then. Did she think I was playing them both? I wasn’t. I was being perfectly clear with Felicia; she just didn’t want to listen. And with Kenzie, well, everything would be clear soon enough with her.
I was just about to tell Izzy to mind her own business, when Antonia walked into the room. She looked pained, and her face was paler than usual. Sundae followed close behind her, licking at her bare feet. “Mommy,” she croaked, “I don’t feel so good.”
Izzy was instantly on her feet. “What’s wrong, baby?”
My chest squeezed as Antonia put a hand on her belly. “My stomach hurts.”
A look of relief passed over Izzy’s face; seeing that calmed me down. “It must have been something you ate,” she said to her daughter. “How about you go lie down, take a nap. Maybe you’ll feel better when you wake up.”
Antonia looked over at me, and I could tell she didn’t want to be banished to her room while I was still here. Smiling, I told her, “How about a bedtime story?”
That immediately perked up her spirits. Always did. Girl loved to read. “Okay! I know just the book. I’ve been dying to finish it; I just have to know how it ends!”
I spent over an hour, sitting on the edge of her bed, reading her the last Harry Potter book. Antonia passed out when we had just 100 pages left to go. I considered waking her up so we could finish the book, but decided against it. She wasn’t feeling good, and Izzy was right, she needed her rest. As I kissed the short hair on her head, I made a mental note to tell Izzy to not let her read any more of it when she woke up. Maybe that was cruel, but I saw a memory happening, and I wanted to be a part of it.
Izzy rolled her eyes when I told her, but she was smiling ear to ear. “You better come back soon then. I can’t keep her away from that book for long.”
“I’ll come back tomorrow,” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
Izzy gave me a curious look. “With Kenzie?” she asked.
“Yeah…of course. Or maybe…during the day again. I could use some more time off.” Fuck. I was not avoiding my life. I wasn’t.
Izzy opened her mouth like she was going to—once again—tell me I was being an idiot, but then, wisely, she closed it. “Tell Kenzie I said hi,” she said.
I nodded, but I wasn’t really agreeing to her request. I couldn’t tell Kenzie I’d ditched practice to come out here behind her back. She’d wonder why I hadn’t invited her. Or maybe she’d understand that I wanted alone time with my family. Fuck, I didn’t know how she’d react anymore. I really hated the uncertainty surrounding us.
After leaving Izzy’s, I debated what I wanted to do. The street race was in San Diego tonight. I could go home, spend a few hours with Kenzie before bailing on her to go to the “party” with Keith…which would probably end in a fight since Felicia was now included in that lie. Or I could skip the drama entirely and just head to Hookup’s now to kill time before the race. Making a quick decision, I pulled out my phone and texted Kenzie. ‘Hey, Keith wants to head to L.A. early for the party. We’re leaving right after practice. Sorry, babe. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow night, okay?’
I felt horrible as I pressed send. Now I was avoiding her all together. Great. But it was just a day. A day of peace, a day of not feeling guilty when I looked into her eyes, a day of not having to convince her that I was only in love with her, a day of not having to justify myself. Even if what I was doing warranted justification. God, I was so snarled in lies now, the way out was getting harder and harder to see.
It took Kenzie a while to get back to me, and when she did, it was brief. ‘Okay.’ She hated these parties with Keith. Now, even more than before. Fucking Felicia. If she hadn’t used my lie, Kenzie wouldn’t be so furious about the whole thing. She’d just be moderately annoyed that I was gone all the time. Fuck, I hated that those were my options: furious or annoyed.
Starting my bike, I headed south to San Diego. Hookup had a place down there, not far from his childhood home, where we’d all spent the better part of our formative years. He said he hadn’t moved away because he liked to keep it real. I think he just couldn’t part with the community who loved and feared him. Hookup had made a name for himself here; he didn’t want to have to start over, establishing himself somewhere else.
When I got there, cars and bikes littered the dry lawn. Hookup was rarely alone. He preferred to live like life was one perpetual party. Always going, going, going. It was almost like he feared what would happened if the party stopped.
I waved at the people I knew—most gamblers who bet on me at races. A lot of them I’d seen dozens of times over the years, and while they had no reason to not know who I was—who I really was—every single one of them called me by Hookup’s lame-ass nickname. “Hey, Fun Killer! Good to see ya, man! Knock ‘em dead tonight!” Right.
Opening the battered screen door, I strolled inside. Hookup was on his couch, a random girl draped over his lap. He lifted his hands into the air when he saw me. “Fun Killer! Ready for tonight?”
I nodded at him, then found somewhere relatively quiet to relax. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be doing this anymore. I just wanted Kenzie to be happy, and to not feel guilty every time I looked into her eyes. I wanted the lying to stop.
As I was contemplating how my life had turned to shit so quickly, a person stopped right in front of me, blocking my people-watching view. “Careful, you’re starting to live up to your name, Fun Killer.”
I glanced up to see Felicia standing there, holding a beer bottle out for me. “I’m not here to entertain people,” I told her, grabbing the offered bottle. “I’m just here for the money.”
Felicia debated something for a half-second, then sat on the small section of empty couch beside me. “For Kenzie,” she stated. Not a question.
“Yep,” I answered, taking a swig of beer. It was an IPA, extra hoppy, just how I liked it. But of course, Felicia would know that.
She studied me a moment, while I considered getting up. Ever since I’d started killing time before races with Hookup, she’d started hanging out with him too. Hookup said it was coincidence. I called bullshit. All it did was make me feel even worse about things with Kenzie. If she ever found out about all of this…well, I’d have one hell of a time talking my way out of trouble. I was betraying her on almost every level, just by being here, letting Felicia talk to me. I should go…
“Hayden…” Felicia said, her voice low, so no one around would hear.
I looked over to face her, and saw the nervousness in her eyes, if nowhere else. She was good at hiding her emotions, but not from me. I saw through her. Most of the time. “What?” I asked, surprised I was encouraging her to talk.
She licked her lips. “I was just… I…” Her eyes drifted to her untouched drink before returning to mine. “I hear Kenzie’s pretty ticked at you.” I narrowed my eyes in question, and she filled in the blanks without me even having to ask. “Rodney. He said he saw the two of you fighting in the garage at Monterey. Was that…because of me?”
There was hope in her eyes now, like she thought I was switching sides or something. Unfortunately, I couldn’t deny her question. That fight had been about her. Taking a quick swig of beer, I pointed my bottle at her. “You told Kenzie you were going to a party with Keith. You used my lie instead of coming up with your own.”
It was a ridiculous argument, but it was the only one I had. Felicia pressed her lips together, annoyed. “It works for you, so I figured it would work for me too.”
Rolling my eyes, I shook my head. “Yeah, except for the fact that Kenzie hates the two of us together.”
Immediately after I said it, I knew I’d made a mistake. For one, Felicia didn’t give a rat’s ass if Kenzie was unhappy; it probably thrilled her to know Kenzie was miserable. But more importantly, I’d inadvertently shown Felicia a crack in our relationship. I’d been trying to hide that from her as much as possible; I wanted Kenzie and I to seem strong…even if we weren’t. “Together?” she whispered.
“Not like that,” I instantly snipped. “You and I are not together. Don’t read anything into that.”
She just smiled. Damn it.
Feeling like I’d cracked open yet another door, I quickly tried to close it. “Look, I know you and I have been thrust into the same circles lately, and I know we’ve had some…moments…but that doesn’t mean—”
Interrupting, she quietly asked, “Moments?”
I wanted to smack myself over the head with my beer bottle for mentioning that. I hadn’t meant to—it had just slipped out. I couldn’t deny there had been a few times when I’d felt something around her though, like the past bubbling up, enclosing me with the warmth of its memories. But it was an illusion. Our history wasn’t this peaceful, pleasant thing. There were sharp edges that cut deep, and dark valleys that blinded. We’d never been a perfect couple. There had been passion, explosions, fights, and temper tantrums. And she’d fled from every single one of them. Her slamming a door in my face was a c
ommon occurrence, because Felicia didn’t compromise. She wanted things her way, all the time, and if she didn’t get what she wanted, she took off…making me so distraught that I’d give her the moon when she returned. She’d wrapped me around her fingers for years that way, and I hadn’t even realized I’d been manipulated by her. Not until Kenzie. She’d fought with me, worked with me, and had ultimately given up everything…for me. And this was how I was repaying her. Fuck.
“Why did you really come back, Felicia?” I asked in a low voice. Just by asking, I knew I was opening a can of worms that I would never be able to shut, and a part of me prayed she didn’t answer.
Hope bloomed in her eyes as she spoke. “Isn’t that obvious, Hayden. I came back for you. Because I still love you…and I hope some part of you still loves me too.” Putting a hand on my arm, she quickly added, “I know I’ve been going about things the wrong way, and I’m sorry. Keith, he asked me to press hard, especially in public, and I was so desperate to fix things between us, I went along with it, even though I knew that wouldn’t work on you.” Her smile turned sad and reflective. “You have to forge your own path, make your own decisions. When someone tells you not to do something, you go out and do it, just to show them that nobody owns you. We’re a lot alike that way.”
My mind was reeling over what she’d just confessed. Keith had asked her to pursue me? What the fuck? Why the hell was he dipping his fingers into my life? It wasn’t right, no matter that I owed him everything.
Irritated, I snapped, “I don’t fuck with people I care about, just to prove a point. But you…that’s all you’ve ever done.” Standing up, I walked out of the room.
I managed to avoid her for the next several hours, until it was time to gather at the race site. Hookup was giddy for the event, nearly bouncing off the walls as he hopped into his car with Grunts. I spotted Felicia heading to her motorcycle as I approached mine. She didn’t look upset over the way our conversation had ended. Instead she looked determined, like she knew that if she didn’t give up, I’d eventually come around. I didn’t want to “come around”, didn’t want to understand why she’d left, didn’t want to forgive her for tearing us apart. All I wanted from her was distance, I just didn’t know how to get it; Felicia seemed to be everywhere I turned.