by Lisa De Jong
“Oh, Arsen…”
His words break me and heal me all at once. A blow to the stomach and a comforting caress in one swift movement.
“Listen to me. There’s no way to correct your present without confronting your past. Let’s just go in there, sit down for a few minutes, and then we can leave. I won’t push you to do anything else, just this one small thing. Please, let me be there for you.” There’s a fierce entreaty in his voice, in his eyes, in his hold of me.
I laugh because he makes it sound so easy. “Just this one small thing?”
“Hell yeah. I know you can do it,” Arsen says.
I shake my head because I can’t believe I’m actually going to listen to this nutcase and go through with his idiotic idea of healing.
“Fine. I can’t believe you’re making me do this.”
Feeling a light tap on the side of my leg, I lower my gaze to find a small child standing in front of me holding Where The Wild Things Are in her hands. Her big, innocent, brown eyes are stripping me naked with their intensity as she watches me.
“My brahther is mean. He don’t want to read me a ‘tory and I can’t read yet. I want a ‘tory. I want a ‘tory.”
With a tight knot in the back of my throat, I let go of Arsen and kneel down. “Um…where is your mommy or your babysitter? Do you want me to find them for you?”
“Nu-uh. Lilah is with her friends.”
“Do you want me to go get Lilah for you? Is she your older sister?”
“Nu-uh. Silly! Lilah is my nanny. I want you to read me my ‘tory.” She scrunches up her nose when she sees me shaking my head no. It’s horrible, I know. Denying this beautiful girl what she wants breaks my heart, but I can’t do it. I just can’t.
I’m about to stand up when she grabs my shoulder, her face brightening like the sun. “Pleeeasse? My mommy told me that if I say please and thank you I can get whatever I want. Pleassee?”
I silently curse and turn to look at Arsen, pleading with my eyes for an out. His hands in the front pockets of his jeans and a lazy smile on his lips, he shrugs his shoulders carelessly, mouthing, “She asked you.”
I know he’s pretending to not care, but his eyes give him up, they contradict his blasé demeanor. His eyes are willing me to be brave.
Swallowing hard as my heart beats as fast and hard as a stampede of wild animals, I nod to the small child. “Sure. Why not?”
And it’s at this moment with Arsen smiling down at me that I decide to fight back. Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with him, but his support has everything to do with it.
When the little girl sits on my lap right on the carpeted floor, with books around us and the noise of people talking, I feel the comfortable heat of her body on my lap, warming me, warming my heart, and I know I am on my way to recovery. Closing my eyes for a moment, I lean down and inhale the sweet smell of strawberries and chocolate emanating from her hair. After a few minutes, I lift my eyes and see the blue fire that I love so much staring back at me with such tenderness.
That’s when I know a painful chapter has been closed.
He was right. Even when the horizon seems to be bleak and full of pain, we must learn to fight and persevere because the rewards of those tears of struggle mean that you get to live your life once more.Arsen taught me that.
Staring at him, a blinding fog disperses away from my heart as the truth stares back at me in those misty eyes.
I love him.
I’ve fallen in love with another man.
But can you love two men at the same time?
Because I think I do.
Chapter 23
Arsen
I can feel again.
I can see her face.
I can touch her body next to mine.
I can bury my nose in her hair and breathe her in.
I can close my eyes and feel her sweet lips tracing my face with lingering kisses.
I can feast on her body as if it were my last meal.
I can feel again.
The afternoon sun is shining through the naked windows of my apartment as I open my eyes and find Catherine here, watching me sleep. She is lying on her side, facing me with both hands tucked under her right cheek, the sun bathing her face in light. She hasn’t left yet. I notice the small smile playing on her lips, and I can’t help but smile back. She makes me so damn happy.
There are still moments when I can’t quite believe that she’s finally in my arms. You would think that spending almost every day together while her husband is at work, laughing over stupid shit and having lots of fuck-tastic sex, would have grown old by now, but it hasn’t. I live for these moments when she’s with me; when the world is left outside this room and the only person that matters is right here next to me.
She’s wearing one of my old t-shirts. Hmm…I wonder if that’s all she is wearing. Sweet. Her blonde hair is down and framing her face, but her eyes look puffy and red as if she had been crying. I want to ask her what made her cry, what has brought that sad look in her eyes again, but I touch her instead. When we are together, that sad and lost look leaves her eyes.
I remember the first time I met her. As we shook hands and I gazed into the deep green depths of her eyes, I could see her damn soul through them, and it was broken, calling for me. Dimples, though beautiful on the outside, was hiding something shattered, something hard, something that I very much wanted to fix. I also got the feeling, one I can’t seem to shake to this day, that she would change everything as I knew it.
I want her to be free of whatever still haunts her.
I want to be the temple that she seeks solace in.
I want to be her damn savior.
I want to help her heal.
“Tell me about Jessica,” Catherine asks, touching the tattoo on my chest.
At first I don’t answer, allowing myself to just enjoy the burning sensation her fingers leave behind as they trace the outline of the butterfly.
“Arsen?”
I take her small hand in mine, bringing it to my lips, and placing a kiss in her palm. How can mere words adequately describe how guilty I still feel over Jessica’s death?
Clearing my throat, I decide to be as honest with Catherine as possible. I can’t look at her perfect eyes and tell her that I killed someone, so instead I focus on our intertwined fingers lying against my chest.
“She died. She died because of me.”
“Arsen, look at me. What do you mean?”
“I killed her. I was drunk…we were drunk…she was driving.” Pausing for a moment, I take a deep breath before continuing, “I shouldn’t have let her drive, but I was just as fucked up as she was. We were supposed to sleep over, but we got high and decided to take a drive in her new Ferrari. I walked away with only two broken ribs, but she died.”
“Oh, Arsen. I’m so sorry…”
We are silent for a while before she speaks again.
“D-did you love her?”
“Yes. I thought she was the moon to my starless night.”
“Oh.”
“How old were you? I mean, how long ago was this?” she asks hesitantly.
“I was twenty, and she was eighteen.”
I shut my eyes tightly. Fuck. Even after all this time it still hurts.
“I’m so sorry, Arsen. “
“Yeah, me too,” I pause, “The women, the drugs, the alcohol…they all helped me to forget and numb the pain. But eventually you have to deal with your demons because you’re never truly free until you’ve faced them. And I have.”
“Do you…do you still love her?”
“I do. I think some part of me will always love her. Yes, we were young when we met, but she was my first love.”
“You have to stop blaming yourself for her death, Arsen. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know it wasn’t my fault, but I could’ve prevented it. I still blame myself…I just don’t let the guilt eat me alive anymore. I don’t let it destroy me. I know Jessica wouldn’t want t
hat.”
“Why don’t you try to meet someone else? Fall in love again?” she asks, staring directly into my eyes.
Putting Jessica back in the recesses of my heart, where she’ll always be, I watch Catherine for a very long time. I take in the feverish color covering her cheeks, her stormy green eyes, and the way she seems to light up the whole room, my whole world.
“You know, I didn’t think I could fall in love again but—”
“Why are you wasting your time with me? This...this…” Without finishing her sentence, she stares at me as if I were a fortune teller, but it’s her question and the pain I see reflected in her beautiful face that take me by surprise.
“What’s the matter, Dimples?” Needing to feel the warmth of her skin against mine, I raise a hand to trace her cheek, the curve of her cheekbone, her lips.
“How can something so wrong feel this right? Like it was meant to be?” she asks throatily.
“Maybe we were meant to be together…”
But were we? Or did we force our hand?
Catherine is silent as she gazes at me with so much fucking feeling that it makes my shitty heart sing. It’s at times like this, when she’s stripped of makeup, her lips swollen from my kisses and her hair is lying on my pillow, that I can’t help but be glad that I pursued her, that I didn’t give a damn that she was married, that I took advantage of the situation like the son of a bitch that I am.
I need her.
“Why do you want me? I’m so screwed up. And to top it all off, I’m a cheater, and a liar,” she asks.
“I want you. Simple as that. No explanations are needed. No whys, no hows, I just do. You are perfect to me, Catherine. Completely. Make no mistake about that. And if you are a cheater, what the fuck does that make me?”
“But, what about Ben? This isn’t fair to him. He doesn’t deserve this.”
“I don’t know. Let me ask you something. Would you be able to walk away from this, from us, right now—without once looking back?” I ask.
“I don’t know…”
Questions left unanswered, Catherine closes her eyes and pushes herself against me.
“Kiss me, Arsen. Make me forget,” she whispers softly against my mouth.
I keep my eyes open at first, watching how her lips part to welcome my kiss, only closing them when I taste her sweetness on my tongue. Kissing Catherine is fucking perfect.
Slowly, breaking the kiss momentarily, I take her t-shirt off and unhook her bra, then pull her closer to me until I can feel her breasts against my bare chest. Growing hard, one of my hands goes to the small of her back pushing her against me and hold her closer. I want her to feel how much I want her, how much I need her. It’s never close enough. She owns me. And I’d like to think that I own her too, even if it’s for a couple of hours each day.
I’ll take whatever I can get.
With our hands wrapped around our hair, we kiss for a long time. Both of us naked, Catherine lies down on her back and opens her legs invitingly for me. Christ, how the fuck do you say no to that?
I settle between her legs, but I don’t thrust into her right away. No, I like to have fun and get her moaning first. Kissing her temple, then her nose, eyelids, the pretty beauty mark next to her mouth, I make my way down to her collarbone. When I reach her breasts, I let my tongue play with her nipples, sucking them gently and biting them hard until I can hear her moan.
By the time I reach her belly, my fingers have been stroking her clit to prepare her for me. Sitting back on my knees without breaking eye contact, I bring my soaked fingers into my mouth and lick them clean. With her taste in my mouth, I smile when I see her blush like that. Catherine is so damn beautiful, and she has no idea of the power she holds over me. I lean down and run my tongue along her clit before she has a chance to move. So sweet, I breathe in her scent as if it were the last bout of air my lungs would inhale in this life.
“Put your legs over my shoulders,” I order, breathing between her thighs and watching her body tremble.
Never breaking eye contact, she rests her calves and heels on my back. She’s so damn perfect. I lower my mouth one more time and let myself go fucking wild on her pussy.
When I feel her gripping my hair, I look up and watch her as she tosses her head back into the pillow, thrusting her hips against my mouth again and again as I lick, slide, and suck.
“Fuck, Arsen! I’m…I’m...” she gasps.
I grip her ass with my hands and push her harder against my mouth. The essence of her drives me fucking insane because there’s nothing as sweet as the taste of your woman on your tongue.
In this moment, she is mine.
I put two fingers inside her and stroke her fast and hard until she comes undone, screaming my name into the room. I grin because I love making her come with my name of her lips.
After her body quiets down I move in between her legs once more. Spreading her open for me with one hand, I grab my cock in the other and thrust in.
Finally…
Home sweet fucking home.
Excruciating need making my body tremble. I wrap both my hands in her hair and make her look at me as I start moving inside her. I want to watch her face while we fuck. I move slowly at first, letting her body take as much of me as possible, but when I feel her tightening around my cock again I pull out. Gently, I turn her to lie down on her stomach as my hands grab her hips, and fuck smoothly into her from behind. I enjoy seeing the red marks that my strong hold leaves on her white skin, wishing for a moment that her fucking husband paid more attention and noticed them.
Jealousy fills me as I pick up the pace, fucking her harder, owning her harder, erasing him from her body. Feeling close, I fist her hair in my hands, tilting her head backwards and let loose. I can see how wet she is making my cock as I take her and I fucking love it. I rub her clit faster and start pounding her ass. In and out of her body. My body.
I own it.
Catherine cranes her neck to look at me as we move closer to the edge together. I shout her name as she screams mine and just like that we come together, as one entity, one body, one soul. I look into her excited eyes, and my mind finally acknowledges what my heart has known all along as the truth—I’m hers. I belong to Catherine. And I want her to be mine, only mine.
After I thrust a few more times, our bodies shiver and go slack. I wrap my arms around her tightly and pull her closer to my chest, moving us to lay down sideways. With our limbs tangled together, and my cock still inside her, I feel like I can fly. I nuzzle her neck and lick the salty sweat with my tongue, lingering on the spot behind her ear, and chuckling when I feel her tremble. I can’t help it. She is so damn sweet.
I murmur in her ear, “Well, hello there stranger. Fancy meeting you here.” I thrust my softening cock gently inside her. Lying on her side with my front covering her back and one of her hands pillowing her cheek, Catherine brings her free hand to link with mine.
“Do you ever get tired?” Laughter rings in her voice.
“Nope.” I let go of her hand and tickle her under her armpits. I can’t help laughing as she squirms under my arms like a fish out of water. She’s so ticklish. As we laugh, I slide my cock out of her. I don’t want to, but this is about to turn into a major war and I don’t want to lose. I hate losing. Catherine distracts me when she runs her tongue along my nipple and sucks it into her mouth, knowing full well it will screw with my mind. A moment later, she’s straddling me with both my wrists locked in her firm grasp above my head. I could break free of her hold in the blink of an eye, but I like this playful side of my Dimples so I let her get away with it. Her blonde hair cascades down her shoulders, showcasing the creamy whiteness of her skin, and her body is perfect to fucking feast on it. Her pretty green eyes don’t look like shards of ice anymore. They are shining brightly with excitement and hopefully with love.
She owns me.
She lowers her lips to mine, and as we kiss, I don’t notice that her hands have let go of mine until
it’s too late. Her hands may be small, but those fingers can tickle!
I lock her legs with mine and flip her on her ass. Better. The sight of her mouth is driving me mental, so I kiss her again. I want to eat her. I want to devour her. Suddenly, I can’t move.
I can’t breathe.
I love her.
This woman is it for me. I thought Jessica was the love of my life, and maybe she was, but I can’t keep denying that I’ve fallen in love with Catherine. The truth paralyzes me, humbles me, yet it sets me free. And it makes me feel powerful, too.
Superhero fucking powerful.
“Thank you, Arsen. Thank you for making me forget, for making me laugh again, for what you did back at the bookstore,” Catherine whispers. I half groan, half growl, and pull her up on my lap. As she straddles me, she wraps her arms around my neck, winding her fingers through my hair and giving it a slight tug. I tuck an arm under her delicious ass and the other around her waist, pulling her as close to me as possible.
Feeling like a girl with butterflies in my stomach, I close my eyes and nuzzle her neck, licking her ear. “I want you to be happy again, Catherine. I really do. And I want to be part of the reason that you are.”
Catherine closes her eyes for a moment and seems to consider her next words carefully. When she opens them, gloom stares back at me, prickling my skin. A bad feeling settles in the pit of my stomach.
“Please, don’t go there. Don’t ask me for more. I-I can’t…”
Fuck, that hurts.
“Why the hell not?” I ask because I’m a masochist and I know her answer will be a punch to the gut.
“Because I’m married. And I love him.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I did ask, though.
I sneer. “It didn’t look like you loved anything but my cock when you were blowing me before.”
My words make her flinch. Well, hers make me sick.
“Oh, Arsen. Don’t say that…don’t be cruel. You knew I was married.”
“Are you fucking shitting me? Of course I knew it! I just had no fucking idea that it was going to hu—”