by Lisa De Jong
I hear Ben curse, but he doesn’t approach me anymore. With our chests rising heavily, I get down off the counter and fix my skirt without looking at him. “I said no, Ben.” I want to cry and throw up, but do neither. “I-I need to go lie down.”
“Jesus Christ,” he mutters, “Just fucking go.” He runs his hands over his hair, his frustration blasting me in the face. “I can’t win with you. Forget it. I’m going to the office.” He turns around and leaves me standing in the middle of our empty kitchen.
It’s not until I watch him walk out of the room that I break down and cry. What have I done to Ben?
I look down, noticing that my hands are shaking violently as I feel revulsion turn my stomach upside down by my own actions. I want to scream, I want to throw up, I want to die. I’m repulsed by me, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay to be with Arsen.
I shut down the voice inside my head that tells me that this is the beginning of the end.
Chapter 22
I’m currently in Barneys looking for an evening gown to wear to one of Ben’s black tie affairs tomorrow night. I wish I didn’t have to go so that I could spend the night with Arsen in his bed while Ben is out schmoozing people I don’t care for. As I wait for Arsen to arrive, I can’t stop the smile tugging at my lips when I recall his words on the phone just an hour before.
“What do you feel like eating?”
“You.”
“Stop it. I’m serious.”
“Me too.”
“Whatever. How about you meet me at Barney’s first, then we can decide where to go from there?”
“Yes. Back to my place. Where I’ll show you how hungry I am.”
Feeling warmth saturate the apex of my legs, I decide to get serious in my endeavor to find the right dress before I explode with need. I settle for a J. Mendel strapless gown with a tonal mesh one-shoulder panel. It’s black and not in your face sexy with its slit wrap skirt. Looking for shoes, I get lucky when a very cute guy approaches me right away, asking me if I need help for the day. After I point out the pair of purple Manolos I liked and give him my shoe size, I sit down and wait for him to come back. In the meantime, I take my phone out to see if I have any missed calls from Arsen. There’s only one text message from Ben. I feel a pang of pain in my chest, but I ignore his message and text Arsen to let him know my whereabouts.
When the cute blond guy comes back with the pair of shoes, he kneels in front of me, taking my bare foot in his hand and propping it on his knee. “I hope you don’t mind if I help you with this. It’s one of the few perks of my job.”
An answering smile on my lips, I can’t help to joke back. He’s that cute. “Oh, really? I’m sure women don’t mind it at all.”
He smiles, then points at my wedding rings. “Sadly it appears that I’m already too late. Should I go beat him up? Would that make you give him up for me?”
I look down at my left hand and see Ben’s big diamond and my wedding band. I want to take them off. They suddenly feel so very tight. Cut off circulation tight.
Cute guy must notice the change in my expression. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s nice to see that you’re having such a blast when trying on a fucking pair of shoes, Catherine.”
He releases my foot right away and stands up. I raise my head and let my eyes land on a very pissed off Arsen. If looks could kill, poor cute guy would probably be dead by now.
Angry at his accusative tone, I shrug my shoulders in a blasé manner and pretend I don’t care what his words are implying. “We are, well, that is, I was until a moment ago. If you don’t mind, Arsen—”
Arsen pushes him aside, kneels down in front of me and puts my Ferragamo’s sling-back on, then stands up. Turning to look at sales attendant, he hands him his black American Express and tells him to charge whatever I want on it. After the bill is settled, and without saying a word to me, he grabs me by the elbow and makes me follow him to a dressing room.
We stare at each other in angry silence for a moment. I’m so irritated at how rude he was that my hands are shaking. “What the fuck was that?” I yell, not caring that people might hear us. “He was just doing his job!”
Spearing me with his blue eyes, Arsen’s calm voice is more potent that the loudest of shouts and his quiet demeanor quenches my anger. “I don’t give a fuck. He touched you, and you are mine. Only mine. Only I get to touch you.”
“I am not yours. You are being foolish,” I whisper.
“What the fuck are you trying to say? You wanted him to touch you? Want him to be your next boy toy? What, my cock is not enough for you?” Arsen hisses, knowing that he’s hurting me.
“No! Stop it, Arsen! Are you even listening to what you are saying?”
He pulls away from me to sit on the bench. “In all honesty, Cathy...you have a history.”
“How dare you?” Shame and anger resurface.
“Well, you’re here with me, aren’t you? While your husband is at work?”
“I hate you.”
Arsen smiles coldly. “You only hate me because you know it’s the truth.”
“I’m leaving. Goodbye, Arsen. Call me when you grow up.”
As I turn to leave, he grabs my hand. I try to push him away, but his hands are everywhere on my body, pulling me back to him. “I’m sorry, Dimples. I didn’t mean it. Don’t go,” Arsen murmurs.
“Arsen!” My protests become halfhearted as his touch ignites the passion that only he can create in me. His deft fingers unzip my dress until it falls on the floor leaving me partially naked. Arsen then reaches inside my panties and discovers the evidence of my arousal.
“No, you’re not leaving. You’re so fucking wet. You’re going to fuck me right here, right now.”
“I don’t want you.”
“Keep saying that you don’t want me, but feel yourself…you’re soaked.” He withdraws his finger from my flesh and brings it to my mouth. “Taste yourself. Don’t you dare lie to me. You want me,” he growls.
And I do. I can taste the sweet saltiness of my body on his fingers.
“Dimples, say you want me. Say it,” he commands as he brings his wet finger inside me once more—circling, playing with me, lighting fireworks throughout my body.
“Say it!”
“Yes! Arsen, I want you!” I hiss as my world becomes dazed with pleasure and lust. Need and want.
“Can you see me touching you?” he whispers hoarsely in my ear.
“Yes.”
“Watch this.”
And how couldn’t I? We’re in a room surrounded by mirrors; I can see our reflection everywhere I look and it sets my body ablaze.
I watch as he unzips his pants and lowers his boxer briefs, letting his erection spring free. I watch as he slowly removes my panties, spreading my ass open for him. And I continue to watch him as he pushes my body down, so I’m bending at the waist, my hands on the bench for support, offering myself fully to him.
“Push that sweet ass against my cock.” He slides his dick along my entrance, rubbing himself against me. “You definitely wanted to fuck, my pretty Dimples.” His voice is cocky, yet there is a sense of wonder in it. “Fuck. That ass…bend down lower for me...yeah…keep going.”
And I do. I’m floating on a cloud of lust from which I never want to descend.
“Nice, Dimples. Now watch this.”
I watch as he slides his dick all the way inside me. His thrusts are slow. Arsen is taking his time, enjoying watching us. I cover my mouth with my hand. I bite it hard as I try to stop myself from moaning out loud.
When he pulls out, I can see in the mirror the way his dick glistens, I know that if I put him in my mouth I’d be able to taste myself on him. He orders huskily, “Turn around. Sit on the bench. I want see you, all of you. Spread your legs open for me, and show me my sweet pussy.”
“Arsen, maybe we shouldn’t. I’m scared of being caught,” I croak as he pulls my panties off my legs with one hand while t
he other rubs me mercilessly. I can hear the wet sounds his fingers are making as he begins to pump in and out of me. Raw. So fucking raw. So fucking beautiful.
I laugh because only Arsen can make me go from pissed off in one moment to exhilarated in the next. “I’ve never done this.”
“What? Fuck in public? This is nothing, babe.” There’s a sexy smirk on his face that highlights how beautiful he is. Golden beauty. Letting go of me, a desperate moan escapes my mouth as I grab his hand and guide it back to my body.
“No…Arsen, please…finish this.”
“I’m going to lie down. I want to watch you riding my cock.”
I can’t help giggling as I watch Arsen’s large figure struggling to fit on the floor of the small dressing room. A playful smile touches his lips. “The things that you and your body make me do, Catherine. Now, fuck me.”
As I lower myself on top of him, I grab his arms and hold them above his head. Watching him like this, with him inside me, feeling him throb. I feel so alive.
“You make me…”
I don’t finish my sentence. His mouth covers mine as his hand, wrapped in my hair, pulls me down for a wonderful kiss filled with promises.
****
As we walk out of Barneys holding hands, without a care that someone will see us on this side of town and take a picture, Arsen tells me he wants to make a quick stop at Barnes & Noble. Nodding, I let go of his hand and wrap my arms around his mid-section. I bury my nose on the left side of his chest and inhale the smell of his cologne as I let the softness of his cotton t-shirt rub against my cheek. Being with Arsen like this, just the two of us in the middle of the day with nothing to do but enjoy each other’s company, makes me feel content, happy, satisfied. If only life could always be like this.
As I sigh contently, I tighten my grip around him and let him guide our step.
“What is it, Dimples? Are you too sore to walk? Think I might have gotten a bit carried away back in the dressing room,” he chuckles as he grabs my ass and gives it a squeeze.
I laugh. The teasing gleam in his eyes makes him look like such a naughty boy. “Maybe you did-Wait! What are you doing? Put me down this moment, Arsen!” Arsen lifts me off the ground, throws me over his shoulder, and bites my ass!
“Put me down this minute, Arsen!” I laugh and wiggle on his shoulder as he continues to take small bites of my ass. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you silly man! No, no, don’t bite it again! It tickles!”
But Arsen doesn’t listen to me; he just keeps on laughing along with me. I want to get back at him, even if I’m hanging upside down, so I pinch his ass which only makes him bark with laughter.
“Hell, no. Save your energy for later, Dimples. I plan on keeping that pretty mouth of yours busy, don’t you worry,” He teases.
“Arsen, seriously! Stop it this instant! Put me down!” I’m laughing so hard it makes my stomach hurt.
“Nope.”
Mortified because we are attracting attention, I cover my face with my hands as I try to get down. “Oh, my God! This is so embarrassing!”
“Let them watch. Poor people need some excitement in their boring lives once in a while, Dimples. Besides, I like this,” he says smugly.
And then the asshole bites my butt once again.
In the cab on our way to the nearest Barnes and Noble located in the Citigroup Center building, all Arsen and I do is make out like teenagers. Kissing, feeling, touching, we can’t get enough of each other. With Arsen’s hand under my shirt, rubbing my nipple erect, my hands on his blond hair pulling him closer to me, we are in the middle of a very heated lip lock when the voice of the cabdriver breaks through our kissing induced stupor.
“Yo, man. We here. Either you pay now, or I’m gonna keep driving around the block and make you pay for it!”
I feel a blush creeping across my cheeks, so I hide my face on Arsen’s neck as I try to fight a mixture between embarrassment and giddiness for having been caught like a pair of horny teens.
Eyes twinkling and offering a bemused smile, Arsen tips my chin up and pecks my nose with a kiss. “Want to keep driving? Or should we get out?”
“It’s okay. Let’s get out.” I say as happiness brims all over me.
“Good choice. I’d go broke if I let the meter run because I could do this all day,” he says, the back of his hand grazing my cheek lightly.
****
I leave Arsen browsing through shelves of fiction novels and make my way to the romance section. Historical romances are a guilty pleasure of mine. I discovered them at the age of fifteen, and I have never been able to shake them off. When I find a winner, a sexy cover with a shirtless guy with smoldering eyes, I grab the book and sit on the floor. With my back against the shelves and my legs tucked under my butt, I begin to read the synopsis. It sounds good, so I flip the pages until I reach the last one, then read the closing line just to make sure it has a happy ending. Sadly, this one doesn’t end well, so I stand up and place it back where I found it and go look for Arsen.
By the time I reach him, he’s holding a plastic bag in his hand filled with books.
“What did you buy? Let me see.” I grab the bag and pull the books out to read the titles. Surprised that he would be into this kind of literature, I look up and stare at him. Running his hand over his hair, there is a blush covering his cheeks as he tries to justify his purchase.
“Yes, well…I saw the movies and…Harry Potter got to me. So, I want to give them a chance.”
“Arsen! Don’t be embarrassed! It’s cute. And the books are amazing. I’ve read them all, and I loved every single one of them. Want me to read them with you?” I grin.
“Really? You would do that?” he asks, disbelief in his voice.
“Yes! Bellatrix and Snape are my favorite characters.”
“Is Bellatrix the one played by Helena Bonham-Carter?”
I nod.
“She was fucking awesome. But then again, everything she does is pretty fucking genius.” There’s a hint of a smile on his lips. Watching his enthusiasm is endearing.
We smile at each other and enjoy the moment of having found something else we have in common.
“Alright, let’s go. I’m starving,” I say.
Pulling me close as he wraps me in his arms, Arsen lowers his mouth and plants a kiss behind my ear. With a Harry Potter book in one hand, and a heavy plastic bag in the other, my stomach tightens when he whispers, “Me too…”
I hand Arsen the shopping bag and tell him I need to use the restroom. On my way to the bathroom, I notice the children’s section that is filled with comfortable couches, toys for sale, and bright and colorful book covers. There’re strollers parked here and there, moms telling their kids not to touch this or that, babysitters gossiping amongst themselves, kids running and throwing books off the shelves with their small hands while others sit nicely and browse through pages filled with pictures. Feeling a familiar pang in my chest, I pick up the pace and try to get away from there as quickly as possible. After I use the restroom and wash my hands, I head to the entrance, avoiding the area that makes my nightmares reappear at all costs.
When I get to the entrance, Arsen is nowhere to be found. After a few minutes of walking around the sections closest to the front of the store, I begin to think that maybe he went looking for me. Begrudgingly, I go find him, though I really don’t want to go near the back again. Just knowing that I’m approaching that area makes my heart beat faster, my steps feel heavier and my palms sweaty.
In the months since my last miscarriage, I’ve been able to avoid coming in close contact with children, particularly toddlers and babies, and I would like to keep it that way. I swallow hard. I’m not sure I’m ready for my lucky streak to end. I can’t even look at a pregnant woman without feeling envy and anger.
Where the hell is Arsen?
“Jaime! Come back here this minute!” A woman calls after a small boy who comes barreling through the narrow pathway between tables
filled with books, zooming right past me. Moving out of the way just in time, I barely avoid him crashing against me. With a hand on my chest trying to slow down my breathing, I look around for Arsen. I don’t think I can stay here for much longer. Panic is starting to work its dark magic around me.
I lean against a bookshelf taller than me and close my eyes for a moment.
It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter.
You don’t care, remember?
You’re over them.
You’re over it.
Chanting these words as if they were a litany in my head, I fight the usual darkness attempting to swallow me whole when strong arms that feel like a lifeline pull me out, bringing me back to reality where there’s light. His light.
I keep my eyes closed and let him wrap me in a soothing embrace. With his arms around me, smelling his spicy smell, listening to the calm beating of his heart, the haunting ghosts begin to fade. The wonder of the moment is that Arsen isn’t embarrassed by my manic outburst. If anything, it’s as if he is trying to help me through it.
“Catherine, I’m here. It’s okay,” he whispers softly.
When I can form a coherent thought and feel more calm, I speak into his chest. “We need to leave, Arsen. I-I’m not sure I can do this…not yet.”
Arsen is silent for a moment. “I don’t think so. I think we should stay here, Catherine.”
His words are a slap on the face.
Hurt, I begin to pull away, but he stops me when he tightens his grip around me. “No. Please, Dimples, hear me out.”
“You have one minute, Arsen. After that I’m out of here.” Opening my eyes, I raise them to look at him straight in the eye. “With you or without you.”
He lifts a hand and tugs the front of his hair. “You can’t keep running away from your nightmares. They’ll eventually catch up to you. They always do. I wasn’t there for you when that fucked up shit went down, and not a day goes by that I don’t regret it, but today I can help you. I can be there for you. You don’t need to do anything. Just go in there, face those fucking demons, and show them what you’re made of. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re standing here with me after all. You’re laughing and living life again. So fight, Dimples. Fucking fight it.”