by Lisa De Jong
“I was supposed to get married…eight weeks ago.” I look out the window and study the clouds, seeing if I can make out any shapes.
“What happened?”
“He died.”
“Caroline!”
“He died building that little house behind the grapes. Fell off the roof. Four weeks before we were supposed to get married.” It all pours out of me, but I sound like an emotionless robot. “He brought me back to life and now he’s gone.”
He comes and sits beside me and takes my hand. I let him.
“Caroline. I am so sorry. I-I can’t imagine what you’re going through,” he says softly.
We sit there and don’t say anything for a long time.
After a while, I go check on Gracie. She’s still sleeping, so I leave the door open and go back downstairs.
My dad is standing, looking at the pictures on the mantel. There’s one of Davis and me, the night we got engaged. He has his arm around me, and we’re looking at each other with huge smiles on our faces.
He holds it up when I walk in the room. “This is him?”
I nod.
“Good-lookin’ guy.”
“Yeah,” I respond.
“So, Gracie…”
I’ve known this was coming, but he still manages to be the one to surprise me.
“Her daddy is the one who saved my life.”
Chapter 31
Jumbled Up
My stomach feels like it fell out at my feet.
“How do you know Gracie’s dad? And what makes you think you do know?”
“I’ve gotten to know him pretty well, and she looks just like him.”
He looks at me and puts his hand over mine. We’re still standing at the mantel.
I stare at him, waiting for more.
“He found me when he came lookin’ for you,” he explains. “And I treated him like the scum on the bottom of my shoe.” He shakes his head, remembering. “He kept coming back though, no matter how I treated him and I just got worse…he came back for more. He looked for you for a year and a half.” He stops and looks at me. “He dragged me out of bed, stayed while I went through hell…withdrawals…we drove all over Tennessee looking for you. He has searched high and low for you, Caroline. He even went to California once, but got out there and realized there was no chance he’d find you with nothin’ to go on. He dealt with me straight about the alcohol. He even knocked me out one time.” He laughs, holding his nose like it’s a fond memory.
“Does he know you’re here?” I ask, afraid of the answer.
“No, he doesn’t. I…I know he’s finally trying to move on, and I wanted to see you first. You and I have never even talked about Isaiah Washington. I didn’t want to surprise you by bringing him with me. I figured I was surprise enough.”
“Yeah,” I mutter.
I suddenly feel exhausted. I back away from the fireplace and put my fist to my mouth. My stomach turns and I run to the closest bathroom. I throw up and stay on the bathroom floor after I’m done.
Ruby knocks on the door. “You all right in there, sugar?”
“Not feelin’ so well, can you let my dad know?”
“Sure will. You need to lay down?”
“Yes, ma’am, I do.”
“Okay, sugar. I’ll be right back.”
Ruby’s gone for a few minutes. I hear the front door close and she knocks on the bathroom door again. “He said he’ll call and check on you shortly. I told him he could stay in the carriage house tonight if he’d like. Is that okay with you?”
I stand up and open the door. “Yes, ma’am, thank you.”
“Oh girl, you lookin’ a little green around the gills!” she exclaims. “I hate so bad you not feelin’ good, what we ‘gon do with you?”
“Put me out back and shoot me,” I say half-heartedly.
“Now that ain’t even funny, child.”
She leads me up the stairs and to my room. Gracie is just popping up in her bed and rubs her eyes. Ruby pulls back the covers and tucks them up to my neck when I get in the bed. Then she goes and picks up Gracie.
“We ‘gon let Mama take a nap,” she tells Gracie.
“Mama nap?” Gracie giggles.
“I know, it is funny, ain’t it. That mama of yours never do take a nap like a good girl!” Ruby winks at me and shuts the door behind them.
I’m too confused and weary to even make sense of my thoughts. I turn over on my side and sleep the rest of the day away.
****
My dreams are a jumble of Isaiah and Davis and some weird combination of the two. Half the time, I think I’m dreaming of Isaiah and in mid-sentence, he’ll turn into Davis. I wake up sweating, with all the covers piled over me like I’ve been hiding out in a blanket cave. It’s the middle of the night. Gracie is asleep in her bed. The moon is casting shadows over her face as she sleeps. She does look just like her daddy. So beautiful it makes my chest hurt. Her eyes are his—the same color, same shape, same expressions.
I lie back down and think about everything my dad said. It’s all finally registering that I actually saw him today.
Everything I knew of Isaiah and how my dad talks about him now…it doesn’t make sense. None of it adds up. I go back over everything Dad and I talked about and think about the letter. I told him where I was. I sit straight up. I told him where I was. If he was looking for me, why didn’t he come when he got the letter?
I look at the clock. It’s 3:30. I’m tempted to go out to the carriage house and wake my dad.
What does it matter anyway? What would I have done differently if Isaiah had come?
I try to get comfortable with my pillow. I was happy. I thought Isaiah had moved on and I had too. What if he hasn’t?
But my dad said Isaiah was trying to move on. I wonder if he’s with that girl still…
My thoughts and emotions clash around…and then I feel bad for even thinking about Isaiah at all. If Davis hadn’t died, I’d be happily cuddled up to him right now, in our bed. I know I would have been happy with him the rest of my life.
Even if I’d constantly wondered about Isaiah.
But what if Isaiah doesn’t know about Gracie at all?
The thought nags at me all night. I doze on and off, but it’s restless. I wake up to Gracie’s fingers on my cheeks.
“Mama sick?” she asks.
“I’m okay, baby girl.” My mouth feels like cotton.
She rests her head on my chest and I play with her curls. I take deep breaths and feel better, just having her near me. Her head pops up. “Gwanpapa?”
“You hear him?”
“I sink so,” she says, her voice perking up at the end. “I go see him wight now.”
“Well, how ‘bout you get your clothes on.”
“I yike my gownie,” she says.
“I know. I like it too, but let’s get one of your pretty dresses on. You can show Granpapa your tea set.”
She likes the sound of that, so I get her dressed and she plays with her dolly while I take my shower. When I’m ready, we go downstairs together.
My dad looks up when we come in. He’s at the breakfast table with Papa and Ruby.
“Mornin’,” I say to everyone. “Sorry, I overslept, Ruby. I’ll take care of the dishes once the guests are done.”
“Don’t you worry none about that. I’ll take care of it today. You just feel better.” She smiles and seems a little softer when she looks at my dad this morning.
Papa pulls out my chair. “How are you feelin’, Caroline girl?” he asks.
“A little better.”
“I’m sorry I upset you yesterday, Caroline,” my dad says.
I shrug. “It’s oka—you know what?” I take a deep breath and look him square in the eyes. “It’s not okay. I don’t need you coming here after all these years and acting like we can make a relationship out of nothing. We don’t have anything to pick up where we left off. It wasn’t working to begin with. Took me a long time to see that, but I
see it now. I’m not gonna be ‘nice’ just to try to not hurt your feelings. When I was little, I thought you were my savior. Mama would be mean to me and you’d scoop me up,” my voice cracks. I shake it off. “You’d hold me and tell me she didn’t mean it. But she did. I thought you were on my side, though…that no matter what she said, you’d be there…even in your drunken mess, it was better than nothin’. And then you take off? I was raped, Daddy. I was raped and where were you? I was nearly killed and where were you? I was left with Mama and then she left me time and time again, and WHERE WERE YOU?”
I’m shaking now and Gracie reaches up to touch my face and I jump. She starts to cry and I pick her up.
“I’m sorry, baby. Mama’s sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” I whisper, rocking her back and forth.
I walk out of the room with her and go up to our big chair in the attic. We sit there a while and then we swing in my swing, her facing me, sitting on my lap, while I pump my legs back and forth. Her arms are clutched tight around my neck and she doesn’t let go.
Maybe I will never leave this room.
I might be losing it.
****
I venture down the stairs at suppertime. Gracie’s hungry and Ruby brought lunch up, but by suppertime Gracie is antsy and tired of being pent up in our room. She’s pulled out every book on the bookshelves. We’ve read them all a few times. Her toys are strewn all over the floor. Maybe I’ll bundle her up and take her outside.
I find them all at the table, almost as if they never left, but I know Ruby would never sit all day long.
My dad stands up when I come in the room. “Caroline, I’m sorry. I’ll leave if it helps. You’re so right. I don’t deserve any chances with you. I missed out on every chance you’ve ever handed me. But I want more than anything to be here for you now, in any way you’ll have me. If you think you might be willing to try even just a little bit…someday…I will wait for that day.”
“I’m sorry I yelled,” I say.
I meant what I said, but I do still have some manners left.
“I don’t know what we can have. I guess I’m willing to wait and see. See if you stick around. See if you mean what you say,” I add.
He nods eagerly. “That’s as much as I can hope for,” he says.
“I do have some questions, but I don’t think now is the time.” I motion toward Gracie. “Maybe we can talk about it after she goes to bed.”
“Okay. I’d be happy for that.”
I listen to Ruby and Papa talk to my dad during supper. It’s not exactly chummy, but certainly warmer than yesterday’s reception. He seems more comfortable, and since I know them so well, I can tell they aren’t just being nice for my sake anymore. He’s won them over a little bit.
****
When everyone else goes to bed, my dad and I sit in the living room. We both have a cup of coffee and a whole lot of baggage hanging around our shoulders. Our space is thick with sorrow.
I don’t waste time.
“I sent Isaiah a note, telling him about Gracie when she was a year old. I had gone earlier to tell him while I was pregnant, but I saw him with someone. I didn’t want to wreck his future with her. In the letter, though, I told him exactly where we were. He never came.”
“Where did you send the letter?”
“His house in Tulma.”
“Les’s uncles burned down Isaiah’s house, Caroline. Isaiah and Sadie finally went to Memphis.”
I sit, stunned with this information. He doesn’t know. He didn’t reject her. He didn’t reject me.
I ignore that last thought. I don’t matter in this equation. I have to tell him about his daughter.
I don’t know whether to be happy or to go throw up again. My whole body aches from being so tense and the coffee feels like lead in my stomach.
I shut my eyes and will my insides to stop churning.
“Do you know where I can find him?”
“The last time I talked to him, they were finally moving into a house, but I don’t know where exactly…”
“They?” I want to hear her name.
“Isaiah and Sadie.”
“He still lives with Sadie?”
“Yeah, he was gonna live with her until he finishes up school. He’s going to Memphis State,” he adds proudly.
“Why are you acting like you like him?” I shake my head. “All I ever heard growing up with you and Mama and Grandpaw and Nellie, was black people belong with black people…except Grandpaw and Nellie didn’t say ‘black’. It was disgusting. I hated it. You always treated every black person we knew like they were less than you. Like they were privileged to have your kindness. As if your measly droppings were a generosity…”
“I’m ashamed to say that Isaiah is the first one I’ve ever really gotten to know. He gave me back my life, Caroline. And he’s the kindest, smartest, most compassionate man I’ve ever met, with the exception now of maybe Ivan Harrison.”
“Doctor,” I say.
“Doctor?”
“Doctor Harrison to you,” I sass.
My dad grins. “Dr. Harrison, yes. Isaiah is a man of that caliber. I would have never known it if he hadn’t forced himself into my life.”
I think about that for a while. I can’t believe Isaiah spent all that time looking for me. And then helped my dad, in spite of not finding me.
“Will you help me find him?”
“Absolutely.”
Chapter 32
Isaiah
Shanelle climbs out of my bed and leans over to kiss my shoulder. Her fro tickles and I brush her away. I didn’t mean to stay the night, but now that I’m here, I just want to sleep. She begged me to not leave and I felt bad for wanting to so bad. I look at the clock and groan. It’s seven. Dammit, I’m gonna be late for my first hour.
We slept together for the first time last week during Christmas break. She’s chased me for the last year and it’s been flattering and even fun. I thought I was more than ready to have sex with her, but I already feel the strings tightening around my neck. I should be more than ready for this. I haven’t been with anyone but Caroline, and I can’t help but still wish it was her. I know I’m crazy. Twenty years old—I should be screwing everything in sight. All my friends seem fine with it. I just don’t work that way.
Shanelle is a beautiful girl. She’s nice. Not too deep, but not an airhead either. Her body is perfect and the sex is fine. She’s black. On paper, we’re supposed to work. But I can’t stop comparing her to Caroline. I still remember how she smelled. I remember her funny expressions and how much I loved to make her laugh. How compassionate she was. Her body. It would have made me content to make love to her every single day of my life.
I get hard just thinking about her. I put my pillow over my head and groan.
I’ve gotta get out of here.
“Where you goin’?” Shanelle asks.
She eyes me as I put on my Jockeys, coming over like she’s a lioness about to pounce.
“I need to get home and shower before class. I’m gonna be late if I don’t go right now,” I tell her.
“Come shower with me. I can wash you quick,” she says.
“I gotta go, Shanelle.”
She sticks her lips out in a pout and pulls me in for a kiss. I back up when she slips her tongue in. I don’t have time for that.
“Call me tonight,” she says.
I nod and get out of there before I make any other promises I can’t keep.
****
My professor’s voice drones in and out. I sleepwalk through my day and can practically feel my bed as I drive home. I hit the steering wheel with my fist when I look at my house. Shanelle is sitting on the front steps with Mama.
I shake my head and grab my backpack from the passenger seat.
Mama and Shanelle both look up and kinda shrink into the step. I know I look mad. I try to tone down my anger and take a deep breath. Shanelle really hasn’t done anything wrong. This is my mess and I need to deal with it.
“Hey, Mama. Shanelle, how ya doin’? Can we talk a minute?” I wait for her to stand up and put my hand to her elbow and steer her inside. Bad idea. I should have led her directly to her car. As soon as we get in my room, she turns around and tries to straddle me.
“Shanelle, we need to talk.” I gently push her leg down.
She bites her lip and comes in for a kiss. I hold my hand up.
“Please. Can we talk? I can’t do this. I don’t want a relationship with you. Thought I could, but I can’t.” I look at her and hope she will take it easy.
“What? Are you kidding me? You sure as hell better be kidding, right? Dammit, Isaiah! I mean, don’t you be thinkin’ you can come back after this. What’s wrong with you? Are you into men? Because,” she waves her hand along her body, “nobody turns this body down. Nobody.” She looks at me with disgust.
“Nope, I’m into women. Just not you.” And with that I usher her out of my room and don’t stop until we reach the front door.
I slam the door behind her and storm off to my room.
Mama comes in not far behind me. “What did you say to her?”
“That I wasn’t into her.” I pull my books out of my bag and sit down at my desk.
“Well, that isn’t a very nice thing to hear,” Mama fusses. “I liked her, she was a nice girl.”
“If you’d just heard the mouth on her, you wouldn’t be so sure,” I tease.
Mama has a thing about girls cussin’.
Her eyes get wide and I can tell she’s trying to imagine Shanelle cussing. She can’t do it.
“Well, you’ve gotta give someone a chance, son.”
“I did try with her, Mama. I slept with her, all right? Are you happy?”
She clutches her chest and I close my eyes. God, what is wrong with me? I stand up and go over to her. She backs out of the door.
“Don’t you be gettin’ some girl pregnant, Isaiah. I raised you better than that.”
“I was careful, Mama. I won’t.”
“We’ve worked too hard for you to make something of yourself for you to just throw it all away on a girl it sounds like you don’t even like.”