by Lisa De Jong
I get out and run to the house and lift up the tarp. “Davis?” I walk around carefully and look at what he’s gotten done even in the last day. It’s going to be so pretty. “Davis, are you hiding?”
He’s not in here. I go out the back of the house and trip on something. I look down and it’s Davis.
He is lying completely still, eyes wide and afraid. I bend down and touch him. His head has a trickle of blood coming from his hairline. Blood seeps out of his mouth.
“Davis!” I cry. The tears and rain immediately blind me. “Davis, what happened?”
He tries to say something and I can’t hear him. I lean in as close as I can get and try to hear what he’s saying.
“I-I tried…I tried to…wanted to make it right for you.” He whispers.
“It’s all gonna be all right. I’m gonna go get help. It’s all-”
He closes his eyes and the rain and tears roll down his cheeks.
“Open your eyes, Davis. Stay awake, okay? I’ll be right back. You just stay awake.” Frantic, I stand up and look at all the blood around his head. His fingers touch my ankle.
He looks different. I bend back down and kiss his cheeks and my breath catches. He’s not breathing. I feel for his pulse and can’t find one. I lay my head on his chest and don’t feel the slightest movement. I get by his mouth to feel breath and there’s none. Nothing.
I can’t comprehend it.
“No, no. No, you can’t leave me, Davis. You can’t. I love you. I can’t live without you too. Do you hear me? Davis! No, you can’t go. Please…”
He just lies there, perfectly still.
“Open your eyes. Come back to me. Wake up!”
I give his shoulders a little nudge, afraid to touch him too hard but wanting to stir him. He has to just be sleeping.
He doesn’t move.
I scream and yell, my fists on his chest. “God, don’t let this happen. You can’t. Davis, please don’t leave me!”
The rain beats on us. Thunder crackles over our heads and lightning slashes through the sky, making Davis glow for a moment.
He’s gone.
Pellets of ice form back over my skin and circle my heart, closing it back up. I lie down beside him, close his eyes, and will myself to die too.
Chapter 30
I’ve Been Here
I wake up in a hospital room and immediately flash back to waking up in another hospital room all those years ago. I half expect to see Sadie sitting by my bed, but it’s Ruby. The second thing I think is, Davis…
“Davis! Where is he? I want to see him!” I tell Ruby.
The tears are already falling. The pain is suffocating. God, why didn’t you take me too?
“Baby girl, he’s gone. He’s gone.”
She shakes her head and her tears drip down her cheeks. She swipes them away with her hand.
“He fell off a high beam and they say he died immediately because of the impact to his head.”
I don’t want to hear this. I just want to be with him.
“I can’t live without him, Ruby. I can’t.”
“I know if feels that way, but you ‘gon have to, sugar. You got that baby girl and she need you. I need you. Your Papa needs you, Brenda…” she trails off after naming everyone in my life..
“But there’s no one like Davis. He’s become my whole world,” I cry.
“I know, baby. I know.”
“I thought he would never leave me…”
“That boy loved you more than anything in this world,” Ruby cries. “I hadn’t never seen a boy so in love with a girl as he was with you.”
“He changed everything, Ruby. I can’t…” I can’t do this again.
The nurse comes in and takes my temperature. “Still over a hundred,” she says. “We have antibiotics going in your IV, just to fight off infection.”
“I’m fine, I don’t have an infection,” I tell her.
“You were in the rain for a long time, they said. And you’ve had a fever all night,” the nurse says in a nasally voice. “The doctor would like to keep you here until that fever goes down.”
She walks out of the room and I look at Ruby. “Where’s Gracie? Does she know about Davis? I’ve been in the hospital all night?”
“We found you late last night. We thought you two were probably out there kissing, like you alw-” she stops mid-word.
I look out the window and it still looks grey and rainy. We probably would have stayed out there kissing, if he’d been inside like he was supposed to be.
“Gracie doesn’t know yet. We wanted to get you home safe and sound before we told her, to not scare her even more.”
“I’ve never spent a night away from her. Was she okay this morning?”
“She cried a little bit when she didn’t see you or Davis. She’s with her papa though and he’s takin’ good care of her.”
“I want to go home. Don’t make me stay here, Ruby. I’m fine. I just got too chilled out in the rain, that’s all. I need to get to Gracie.” I look down at the IV in my arm, attached to me like chains.
Suddenly the desire to hold her in my arms is all I can think about…
“I have to go home.”
“Let’s just wait and get you feelin’ better. You won’t rest if you go home. Get that fever down and you can go home,” Ruby says firmly.
“Would you get me a cold washcloth, please?” The panic takes my voice up a few notches with every word.
Ruby presses her lips together. She knows me like the back of her hand.
“Yes, I will. But we’re not ‘gon rush this, sugar. I can’t lose you too.” Her lips tremble when she says it and I reach out for her hand.
“He loved all of us so much,” I whisper.
“Yes, he did. Our lives will have a big ol’ empty hole where he was.”
She wipes her tears and pats my hand before getting my washcloth. When she comes back, some of my fight is gone. I don’t have enough energy to get out of bed. She puts the washcloth on my head and I close my eyes. Hot tears trail down my cheeks and my head pounds from it. I turn my engagement ring around and around on my finger. I was crazy to think I could have everything. Davis came along just long enough to give my life some sunshine and make me hopeful. I won’t make that mistake again. It’s too hard to wake up to reality.
The nurse comes in and gives me medicine to make me sleep. She stands at the foot of the bed and just watches me for a few minutes, her eyes full of concern. I grip the sheets so I can still the shaking sobs that take over my body. Turning onto my side, I face the wall and close my eyes…like a child playing hide-and-seek. If I can’t see anyone, they can’t see me.
****
I spend another night in the hospital and am sick with missing Gracie by that time. Papa too. Brenda picks me up and cries all the way to the house.
“I just can’t believe it,” she keeps saying. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”
It’s a sunny day, which just feels wrong. We pull up to the house and I avoid looking toward ours. His truck is probably still out there, and if I see it, I’ll start wailing all over again. It doesn’t matter. I thought it, so the tears come falling down.
Gracie runs out the door and when I bend down, she leaps into my arms. “Mama. I miss you,” she cries.
“I missed you too, baby,” I lean my head into her curls and a sob gushes out. I try to hold it in, so I don’t scare her, but she pulls her head back and sees my face.
“Why you cwyin’, Mama?” she says in her angelic voice.
“It’s Davis, baby. He’s had a bad accident and didn’t make it. He’s not coming back.”
“Where he go?” She looks at me with her eyebrows scrunched together and her lips puckered up. Her eyes fill with tears. I don’t know if it’s because she sees mine or if she really understands what’s happening.
“He went to heaven to live with the angels where he belonged,” I tell her.
She looks up into the sky. “I wanna go up they-a
h,” she says.
“Me too,” I whisper.
“He watchin’ up they-ah?” she asks.
I look up to the sky again. The clouds look voluminous; big puffs to skip around on. I can just imagine him leaping from cloud to cloud.
“Maybe,” I tell her. “Maybe.”
“I sink so,” she says. “I sink he’s up they-ah watchin’ us.”
“Then you’re right, baby girl. I bet that’s exactly what he’s doing.”
****
I don’t know how I forgot that it was Gracie who kept me living that other time I thought I was dying. Being pregnant with her, knowing I had to be okay to take care of her, it got me through losing Isaiah. And even though it feels like I can’t get past this, it’s Gracie who helps get me through each day, minute by minute. There’s probably not a second that goes by that I don’t wish I had another baby in my stomach to take care of now…Davis’s baby in me to love. A piece of him that could stay with me forever. It’s my biggest regret.
****
October 19th comes and many more tears are shed. I drive out to our tree and hurriedly gather all the heart rocks that Davis and I kept adding to and move them all to his grave. When I’m done, you’d think I ran five miles. I feel all wrung out.
We talk about Davis a lot. It seems we all need to. Papa can hardly make it through a day without crying for him still. So I know I’m not the only one who is in immeasurable pain. I try to be okay for him and the others, but when I get in my bed at night, I die a little more. It’s just too much.
****
Life carries on. It’s hard to believe but Christmas is almost here. I’m just trying to ignore the fact. Everyone else has decorated and I just clean. Clean and play with Gracie.
I’m cleaning the bedrooms upstairs when Ruby finds me.
“You have a phone call, Caroline.” She never says my name, so it makes me stand up and take notice.
“Who is it?”
“Your daddy.”
I sit down on the bed and she comes and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Sugar? Are you all right?”
“But…how did he find me?”
And then I remember the letter I sent to Nellie. But that was years ago.
I stand up and follow Ruby to the kitchen. The phone is laying on the table and she shoos everyone out of there. Papa kisses me on the cheek before he goes out of the room.
I pick it up slowly. “Hello?”
“Caroline, is that you?” His voice sounds raspy and older.
“Yes, sir.” My voice catches and I try not to cry. I’m sick of crying.
“I can’t believe I found you,” he says.
“How did you find me?”
“Well, Caroline, I’m sorry to tell you this way, but…Nellie…she passed away about a month ago and I…well, I just found your letter to her in one of her drawers.” He clears his throat.
I sit down. I didn’t think my heart could ache any more, but it can.
“I’ve been looking for ya, and finally talked to someone who knew you were at this number…I called every motel and hotel and apartment building I could find in the Kentucky phone book. I’m actually in Bardstown…a little diner called Shelby’s? Once I talked to someone who knew who you were, I just got in the car and drove. Would you—would you be willing to see me?” He sounds tentative.
I can’t believe he’s at Shelby’s. If I weren’t already walking around in shock, I would probably feel something: anger, rage, sadness, maybe even a little joy. But as it is, I feel nothing at all.
“Okay. Just come on out here whenever.” I give him the address and he thanks me, like we’re strangers.
We are strangers. The old Caroline is dead.
****
I’m playing on the floor with Gracie when he gets there. It’s only been thirty minutes since we hung up. I didn’t expect him so quickly. I didn’t tell Gracie about him and Ruby and Papa have given me space. Maybe I didn’t even think he’d come at all.
When the doorbell rings, Papa comes around the corner and sees me standing up.
I take a huge breath. “That’s my dad, I think.”
Papa nods. “Okay. Would you like me to stay in here with you or do you need some time to be alone?”
“Stay with me and meet him. Maybe we can see what state he’s in? He could be drunk, for all I know.”
Papa nods again and kisses my cheek. “Okay, Caroline girl. Just give me the look and I’ll find somewhere else to be right quick.”
Gracie goes to the window to see who’s out there. I pick her up and open the door.
We stare at each other, taking it all in. He looks older, lines around his eyes, a little grey in his hair, gaunt, but clear-eyed and sober. He looks like he’s been living quite the life. He smiles at me sweetly and looks at Gracie. His eyes widen a little bit when he gets a good look at her. He looks at me again and then back to her in shock.
“Hi Daddy,” I say. “This is Gracie, your granddaughter. Gracie, this is your grandpa.”
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi,” he says to her and then looks at me. “Hi to you too.”
He smiles his wide smile, and I see the handsome in his face again. The image is fleeting, but for a second I see the daddy who sat by my bed and told me Clovis the Bunny stories.
“She’s beautiful, and so are you.”
I don’t say anything. I open the door wider and he walks inside. Papa is standing there, and he holds out his hand to shake Daddy’s.
“Ivan Harrison,” he says.
“Dan Carson,” my dad says and they shake.
Ruby rounds the corner, her eyes looking wide as saucers.
“And did you ever meet Ruby? She lived in Tulma a long time.”
Ruby isn’t as warm as Papa. She stands next to him and folds her arms over her chest.
“About time you come lookin’ for your daughter,” she says.
My dad looks down and nods. “You’re right,” he looks back up at me, “I should have never left.”
No one says anything for a moment and then Papa takes control of the situation.
“Why don’t you come have a seat in here. I’ll get you some coffee, if you’d like.” He looks at me quickly when he says that, and I know he’s regretting his offer to leave the room.
“I’ll get the coffee, Dr. H, don’t you worry about it. You go on and sit down,” Ruby bosses and we all hop to.
Gracie seems to understand this is a serious meeting because she’s as quiet as a mouse. Her normal chattiness has disappeared and she’s just taking it all in. She doesn’t miss a thing, this one.
The three of us sit on the couch facing my dad, who sits in the chair across from the couch. It feels like we’re a team waiting to see if we should pick him or not.
He leans his elbows on his knees and looks up earnestly at me. “Caroline, I know I’ve been an awful parent…”
You won’t get any argument from me there. For about a second when I was a little girl, I lived in a make-believe world where I thought you were a decent daddy.
I say nothing out loud. I just wait for him to say his piece.
“I’ve been sober for two years now. I’ve driven up and down the southern states, looking for you. Made peace with your grandparents. I’m grateful that I was with your Nellie when she passed.”
I feel a little twinge when he says that. I hold Gracie’s hand tighter.
“I know I can never fix all the mistakes I made with you, Caroline, but I want to try. I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I’m so sorry that I was too caught up in myself and my problems to take care of you. I will spend the rest of my lifetime regretting that, and if you’ll let me, the rest of my lifetime making it up to you.”
The only sound is a bird squawking in the distance. My dad runs his hands through his hair and looks at me again.
“How old is Gracie?” he asks softly.
“Just over two and a half,” I answer just as softly.
He smiles at
her and I look down to see her smiling back at him. She looks up at me then.
“You daddy?” she asks.
“Yes, my daddy. Your granddaddy.”
“That’s Papa.” She points at Papa and then looks back at me.
“Yes, that’s our papa too.”
She gets down and goes to stand in front of my dad. “Up?” she says.
My dad looks surprised, but he picks her up and looks like he’s about to cry.
She pats his cheek. “Gwanpapa,” she dubs him and the tension in the room lessens somewhat. My dad laughs and Papa chuckles. I even have to smile a little bit at that.
Ruby brings in some coffee and I go with her to the kitchen to get dishes for the coffeecake.
“Are you okay, darlin’?” she asks, her dark eyes worried.
“I guess so. He says he wants to make up for everything. I don’t know. I’ll believe it when I see it, I reckon.”
“He hurts you again, I’ll hang him up by his drawers,” she says with a vengeance.
A giggle comes out of me that shocks both of us. I don’t think I’ve laughed since Davis…
Ruby grips my shoulders and hugs me tight. “You’re gonna be okay, my girl,” she whispers. “You are.”
****
My dad stays the whole afternoon. I show him the plantation—the house, the gardens, the carriage house, the grapes. We traipse through the snow, the crunching of our feet making a racket out in the quiet. Step by step. I come to a stop when I look out at our house and see Davis’s truck sitting out there. The tarp blows in the breeze. It’s as if he’s just right inside there, working.
I turn around and lead my dad back to the main house.
****
While Gracie is still napping, I sit with my dad. Papa has realized it’s okay to leave me alone with him and has gone off to give us some time. I ask all about Grandpaw and more about how Nellie was at the end. Then I broach a subject I haven’t really cared to know about since I moved to Bardstown. I figure I may as well know the truth, it doesn’t change anything.
“What about Mama? Where is she? Are you together?”
“No. Your mama and I were divorced about a year ago. She’s remarried and living in Chattanooga.”
“Mr. Anderson?”
He nods. “I think she’s happy with him. Happy to be done with me, that’s for sure.” He laughs. It sounds hollow and false.