by Ivy Smoak
"It's over. Please stop, I don't want to hear about it." I let go of his hand and touched my forehead. It was hurting more and more as I sat there.
"I'm sorry." He looked distraught.
"It's just a headache. I'm okay." I took a deep breath. I needed to tell him that I wanted to be with Professor Hunter. But he looked so upset. And he was barely wearing any clothes. I closed my eyes. "I heard you playing your guitar."
"Oh. Yeah."
I opened my eyes. "What was the song? I didn't recognize it. But it was beautiful."
"I wrote it."
"It sounded sad." I wanted to cry. I swallowed hard. This was so painful.
"Does he know you're here? I'm pretty sure he'd come back and break my nose again if he knew you were talking to me." Tyler gave me a small smile. I could tell that smiling hurt his nose.
"He doesn't know."
"Did you walk here? I feel like you shouldn't be walking around by yourself."
"Tyler, I'm fine. I needed to come talk to you."
"I guess you and Professor Hunter had some time to talk then?"
"Time to argue, yes."
"I want you to be happy."
I shifted in my seat. "He told me that he stopped talking to me because he thought he wasn't good for me. It wasn't because he didn't want me. He was being...selfless."
"And you believe him?"
"I'm choosing to. I want to believe him. You were right. I'm still in love with him."
Tyler nodded his head.
"It's hard, because I do have feelings for you."
"I know." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss against my lips. "But you don't love me."
"I do love you. I love who you are as a person. But I'm not in love with you."
He nodded.
"I'm sorry."
"I could tell you weren't over him. If I had agreed to be your boyfriend, would things be different right now?"
I shook my head. "I don't think so."
"Tyler?" A girls voice sounded from upstairs.
"I'll be right there!" he called back. He grabbed my hand. "It's not what you think."
Wow, Brendan was right. Tyler got me and now the chase was over. How could Brendan's awful advice actually be right? Was everything really just about sex? "So that's why you didn't ask me to come into your room? Of course. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here."
"Penny..."
"And that's really why you didn't want me to take you up on your offer of being my boyfriend? All you ever wanted was sex."
"No. What? No. I mean, yes I wanted to have sex with you, but I wanted more than that. I just wasn't sure I'd ever get more. I took advantage of the situation. And I'm sorry." He looked over at the stairs. "We didn't do anything. She gave me ice for my nose. We just fell asleep in my room."
"I want you to be happy too."
Tyler smiled his small, pained smile. "Well I've never been happier than I was last night. Before every possible thing went wrong."
"Thank you for trying to protect me."
"Don't put me in a good light for that. I think I did it more for my own ego than for you."
"Still." I bit my lip. "Do you think we can go back to being friends?"
"I..." Tyler shrugged. "It's going to take me some time to stop picturing you on my bed in nothing but green high heels."
"You're not easy to forget either." I looked over at him. "Actually, you're not leaving very much to the imagination right now."
Tyler laughed. "I should probably get back up there."
"Of course." I stood up quickly. I felt a little dizzy. I shook my head to help clear my head.
"Do you need me to walk you back?"
"No. I'm okay. Go back to your lady friend."
He rubbed the back of his neck. "It's Natalie."
I smiled at him. "I hope that you two can be together now. I'm sorry that I interfered so much. I'm going to go." I turned away from him and walked to the door. It hurt a little that he was able to move on so fast. But hadn't I? A selfish part of me was hoping he'd fight for me. Not literally this time. But he didn't seem hurt at all that we'd just become a one night thing. He had known what it would be the whole time. I was the only one who didn't know my feelings.
"Penny?"
I turned around. He walked over to me. He was looking at me intently. "Yes?"
"In case I never get another chance..." he grabbed both sides of my face and kissed me. I kissed him back. I wanted to remember what it was like to be with him too. When he released me, I felt a little lightheaded again.
"Feel better soon," he kissed my forehead.
"You too."
"I'll see you on Monday."
I watched him as he walked back up the stairs. When he disappeared from view, I let myself out of the frat house. That had gone better than I had ever expected. I actually felt like for the first time ever we were going to be just friends. I took a deep breath. Professor Hunter wasn't going to like that. It didn't matter. We were going to be honest with each other from here on out. And I could honestly say that I was just friends with Tyler.
The autumn sunshine felt good against my face. I crossed Main Street and began to walk toward Professor Hunter's apartment. There was a lot more I wanted to talk to him about. I was exhausted. Part of me wanted to go back to my dorm room and just talk to him tomorrow. But it needed to be now. He needed to know that I was choosing him. There were just some contingencies. I shook my head. Guys hated ultimatums. But I didn't know how else to do it.
I stopped at a bench and sat down. I felt out of breath and my head was pounding. Maybe I should call him and ask him to pick me up. I reached in my pocket and felt the envelope. I looked down at it as I pulled it out of my pocket. I ran my fingers across the top of the envelope. There was a small rip in the center of it. I gulped. This was the envelope that I had seen him with on my birthday. He had looked so distraught that night. And I had convinced myself that it had nothing to do with me. But it had everything to do with me. I pulled the envelope to my chest. Whatever was in here had upset him. Could it be worse than him sleeping with Isabella?
I pulled it back down to my lap and stared at it. In the center of the envelope was my name. Even his handwriting was sexy. It reminded me of the note he had left me in my syllabus. I smiled. I took a deep breath as I opened up the envelope.
I pulled out the contents. On top there were two tickets. They were VIP tickets to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Thanksgiving? Is he asking me to meet his family? I had watched the parade on television every Thanksgiving morning with my parents for as long as I could remember. I always wished I could go.
I quickly unfolded the note beneath the tickets. It was dated October 14th, the day before my birthday. I took a deep breath and read.
Penny,
I woke up late the first morning that classes started. I wouldn't have come into the coffee shop at that moment unless I had forgotten to set my alarm. Who knew that such a small thing could change the rest of my life? You've captivated me from the very start. You're timid, yet bold. You're humorous, yet sincere. You're young, yet wise. You're gorgeous and you don't know it. You're contradictory, and challenging, and passionate. And I love you. I love you with all I am.
These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. Because you have captivated me, body and soul. I eat, breathe, and dream you. And when you're not beside me, I feel such loss. When I see you in class, I can no longer breathe. When I think about you, I can no longer eat. And only nightmares of losing you accompany me in slumber.
I thought I knew what love was. But I was wrong. The love I have for you is something that I have never known. It is constant and all consuming and it terrifies me. The only thing scarier than realizing what my love for you is, is the fact that I have lost that love.
I wanted to protect you. I didn't want to drag you into my darkness. But I realize that when I am with you, I am not the man I once was. When you look at me, I can feel the way you see me, and I become
something better. I want to be the man that you need. And I feel like I can be everything you want.
But you need to know that I have many flaws. And one of them is weakness. When I realized my feelings for you, I left. I left you, and I have never regretted anything so much in my life. Because without you, I am not living. Only with you am I strong. Only with you am I good. Only with you am I whole.
And I am selfish. Because I want you to be with me despite my demons. I want to kiss you every morning when you wake up in my arms. I want to whisper I love you in your ear before we fall asleep at night. I want my days to be consumed by your love. And I want you to love me back even though I am telling you that I am not good for you. Because it is your choice. I tried to stay away from you and I cannot. I am not a good man. But if you choose me I will not push you away again. I will trust your judgment. And every ounce of me hopes that you'll make a mistake and come back to me. Every fiber of my being wants you to make the wrong choice. And if you do, I promise to be the best that I can be for you.
I don't care that you lied to me. I don't care that you only just turned 20. I don't care that you are a student in my class. All I care about is you, Penny. My greatest love.
Tears were streaming down my cheeks. He opened up to me. He finally opened up to me. He had written this before my birthday. He had almost ripped it up that night because he wanted to protect me. But I was so glad that he couldn't stay away. Because I loved him too. I loved him so much. I couldn't seem to stop my tears. I wept for a long time, sitting there in the middle of Main Street.
I went to fold the paper to put it back when I realized there was another sheet behind it. I put the tickets and the note back into the envelope. I wiped my eyes so I could read what was on the last sheet of paper. It was a bunch of legal jargon. I scanned it. New York City Supreme Court. December 29th, 2014. It felt like my heart stopped beating. I looked down at the bottom. James Hunter. His signature was above his printed name. And beside it was Isabella Hunter. There was a blank line above her name. His divorce papers. She hadn't signed them, but he had. Last year, just like he had said. This was the proof that he was done. It was the proof that I needed to trust him. He was getting divorced. I quickly stood up and began walking back to his apartment. I needed to see him. I needed to tell him that I still loved him.
The street began to wobble in front of me. I slowed down and then stopped completely. My vision was blurry. The pain in my head seared. I tried to reach out for something to steady myself but there was nothing there. I gasped for breath. I reached into my pocket for my phone. Oh God.
"James," I mumbled as I fell to the ground.
PART 2
Chapter 10
Saturday
I sat up with a start and blinked hard as the room came into focus. Where am I? "James?"
"Shhh. Penny."
I looked up into the familiar eyes of my mother. "Mom?" My voice caught a little. It was so good to see her.
"It's okay, sweetie, I'm here."
"Where's James?" I lifted my arm but it was attached to an IV. I was in a hospital bed. I looked down at the tubes in my hand.
"Penny, who's James? Do you mean Brendan?"
"What?" My mom's eyes were red. I wasn't sure if it was because she had been crying or because she was tired. But it made me want to cry. I was so happy to see her. But where was Professor Hunter? I needed to talk to him.
"The nice young man that found you?"
"Found me?" I pulled on the IV. Shit that hurts.
"Penny."
I looked over at my dad. He had just stood up from a chair. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"Take it easy, Pen. You have a concussion." He looked over at my mom and then back down at me. "You need some more rest."
I looked over at my jacket. It was draped across the back of the chair my dad had been sitting in. I wanted the envelope. I wanted to read what Professor Hunter had written again. I needed to see him. "I know I have a concussion. But I'm fine. I don't need to be here. This is silly."
"Penny," my mom said.
"Really, I'm fine."
"You fainted in the middle of Main Street. You're not going anywhere." She leaned down and hugged me. I automatically relaxed and rested my head on her shoulder.
"It's so good to see both of you." I swallowed hard, trying to hold back my tears.
"Aw, Penny. We've missed you. When we got the phone call we were both so worried. If Brendan hadn't been here to tell us what happened, I would have gotten in a fist fight with that incompetent doctor."
My dad laughed.
"I'm so sorry," I mumbled into her shoulder. "I just..."
"It's okay, Pen." My dad said. "Just try to be more careful in the future. You're going to worry us to death."
I laughed and unwound from my mom's hug. I eyed my jacket on the chair again. "Can I have my jacket?"
"If you're cold we can get you some more blankets." She patted my back.
"I just need my jacket."
My dad walked over and grabbed it off the back of the chair and handed it to me. I put my hand in one empty pocket and then the other. The envelope was missing. "How long have I been here?" For a brief second I thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I had made Professor Hunter up.
"Just a few hours, sweetie."
That wasn't enough time to create such wonderful memories. I bit my lip. Or such painful ones. I hadn't made him up. There was no way. It felt like I was going insane. "Is Brendan here?"
"He's waiting outside," my dad said.
"Can I talk to him? To thank him?"
"Of course. We'll give you two a moment." My dad walked over to the door and gestured for my mom to follow. She leaned down and squeezed my arm before following my father out of the room.
I heard them talking in the hallway. A second later there was a knock on the door and Brendan walked in. A smile broke over his face.
"Well you look a million times better."
I bit my lip. "I passed out, huh?"
"You did."
"I guess it was good that you were stalking me, then."
He laughed and sat down next to me on the side of my bed. "I wouldn't say that I was stalking you."
"Then what would you call it?"
"Looking out for a friend. You weren't in great shape when we were talking." He shrugged his shoulders. "I was worried about you."
"I'm glad you were stalking me."
"Yeah, me too. Hey, move over."
"Brendan..."
"I've been sitting in an uncomfortable chair out there for hours. I want to lay down too. So scoot."
I slid over and he immediately laid down next to me on his side. He put his hand under his head and propped himself up on his elbow so that he could look down at me. "Your parents seem nice."
I laughed. "It's kind of weird that you met my parents."
"Why?"
"I don't know." I rolled onto my side to face him. "I've never introduced them to someone that I was dating. Not that we're dating, obviously. We kissed though. So it's a little strange."
He laughed. " Well, I think they like me."
"Well you did save their only child."
"I did. By the way, I feel obliged to tell you that you're showing a lot of skin." He was smiling at me.
"What?" I looked at my back. The slit on the hospital gown was revealing my backside. "Oh my God." I quickly rolled onto my back.
"It's not like I haven't seen a lot of you already. I'm starting to think your favorite pastime is flashing people."
"Hardly. Just you apparently."
"I'm not complaining." He smiled at me.
"Thanks by the way. For saving me, I mean."
"I kind of had to, or else all of my meddling in your life would have been for nothing."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah, that's right."
I took a deep breath. "What did you tell my parents?"
"You mean about why you fainted? Or about us?"
"Both."
"I told them that you were dating two guys at once and they got in a fist fight over..."
"No you didn't," I said, cutting him off. Holy shit.
"You're right. I didn't tell them that. I just said you had fallen the other night and still weren't recovered. So you fainted."
"Thank God."
"They didn't ask any questions at all. Apparently you're quite clumsy."
I laughed. "Yeah, I am." I looked at him curiously. "And the other thing?"
"What did I tell them about us?"
"Yeah."
"I told them that we were friends."
"And did they look confused that I was friends with someone who was so much older than me?"
"I'm not that much older than you. Besides, I assumed they wouldn't be surprised since you're dating your professor. I'm sure that was a fun conversation. They probably just thought I was one of his friends or something."
"They don't know about James."
"Oh." He had a small smile on his face. "Why?"
"I don't know." I turned to face him in the bed again, making sure my gown covered me. "He didn't want me to tell anyone about us. And then we weren't really together anymore. There wasn't anything to tell."
"And that's it?"
"No. I shouldn't be dating my professor. I don't want to tell them. I'm worried about what they'll think of me."
"Well they seemed to like me okay."
"But you're not my professor."
"Right. Plus I'm super charming. And I saved their only child."
I laughed. "You probably can't do wrong in their eyes now."
"If you say so." He leaned down and kissed me. His kiss was soft and gentle. I put my hand on his chest to stop him. He pulled back and looked at me. I could feel the tears start to fall down my cheeks.
"You're right, Penny. You shouldn't be dating your professor." He wiped my tears away with his hand.
I stared up at him. He was right. Of course he was right. I shouldn't be dating my professor. I thought about how upset my parents looked when I woke up. They'd be ashamed of me. Am I ashamed of myself? I should be with someone nice like Brendan. Or Tyler. But none of that mattered. Because I was in love with Professor Hunter. I loved him despite everything.