by Zoe Chant
He turned toward her at last. His mouth curved in a wry, self-deprecating smile, though the rest of his face was still utterly serious.
“And now you must think I’m crazy,” he said.
“No.” Her mouth had gone dry. She couldn’t tear herself away from those green, green eyes. “No, I don’t think that.”
His eyes darkened further, drawing her in. She felt that if she leaned forward, she would fall through them, into that other world. A place of mystery, and magic, and stars.
She broke away, taking a sip from her mug to cover her flustered confusion. “I believe in things that other people find weird too. Lakota stories, our rituals…they aren’t just quaint, interesting traditions to me. They’re real. I learned not to talk about that too, growing up.”
He nodded, slowly. “Most people don’t believe what they can’t see for themselves.”
“Well, my mother raised me to know better than that.”
“My parents too.” He hesitated, still studying her intently. “Diana, I have to tell you something. Something that happened today. With Beth.”
Even though she knew, knew, that Beth was perfectly well and sleeping soundly, her heart still seized with sudden terror. All the air left her lungs. A hundred horrific possibilities seared through her mind—
“Diana!” Callum’s hand closed over hers, bringing her back to herself. “It’s all right. She’s safe. She’s well. Breathe.”
She did so, a great, gasping breath that probably sounded like a dying walrus. She fought back against the iron fist constricting her chest. Slowly, she managed to regain her mental balance.
“I-I’m sorry,” she got out at last. “I couldn’t, couldn’t take my meds today. Lost them in the fire. M-makes me more vulnerable to panic attacks.”
“I should have asked if you needed any prescriptions replaced.” Callum was still gripping her hand. His palm was rough, hardened by manual work. She could feel the strength in his fingers. “I’m sorry. I’ll fly down to town first thing in the morning.”
She managed a shaky laugh. “Fly? I didn’t think we were that far from civilization.”
Callum’s fingers twitched on her own. “Figure of speech. Can you wait that long? If not, I’ll take you to the ER. Right now.”
“No, no. It’s okay.” She was okay now, her pulse starting to slow as the surge of adrenaline ebbed away. “I’m fine, really. Sometimes things just hit me hard, and I need a moment to handle them. What were you saying about Beth?”
Did he hesitate, for the barest fraction of a second? “She…she managed to slip out of my sight today, while you were having your shower. Not for long. Maybe half a minute. But it was the longest thirty seconds of my life.”
He looked so sickened by the memory, she couldn’t feel anything other than sympathy. She squeezed his hand in reassurance. “She’s done the same to me, a few times. I know what it feels like.”
“I’ve seen a wildfire bearing down on me, consuming whole trees in an instant. I’ve been on the third floor of a burning building when it started to collapse. I’ve seen—other things.” His expression was haunted; his mouth a flat, grim line. “But I’ve never felt terror like I did today.”
“She’s okay, though. Nothing happened.” She could feel the tension in his arm. She rubbed the palm of his hand with her thumb in small, soothing circles. “Thank you for being honest with me.”
He was still looking like he wanted her to beat him with a stick for his sin. “I should have told you earlier.”
“You didn’t have to tell me at all. But you did.”
The corner of his mouth twitched up, very slightly. “You’re setting the bar very low for me there. You should demand higher standards.”
“I have high standards,” she protested, nettled. “I want Beth to have the best of everything.”
He studied her face, a thoughtful expression stealing across his own. “Yes. You do. But not yourself.”
“What?”
“You’re so devoted to her.” He spoke slowly, as if working the thought out one word at a time. “You’re totally dedicated to her needs. But that doesn’t leave any space for you. What you need. What you want.”
“I just want Beth to be happy. That’s all I need.”
His voice roughened, taking on a slight, growling edge that sent a delicious shiver down her spine. “Is it?”
That intense, focused look was back in his eyes, leaving no doubt what he meant. The clear heat in his gaze shot through her, tingling in every nerve. She was suddenly powerfully, exhilaratingly alive. It had been so long since she had been aware of her body like that—not as a mother, but as a woman.
“Callum…” She was still holding his hand. She knew she should let go, but somehow she couldn’t bring herself to pull away. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
He said nothing. He just looked at her, as though she was the only woman in the world. As though nothing else mattered.
But that wasn’t right. Something else did matter.
Someone else.
She drew her hand away from his at last, feeling oddly cold without that small point of contact. She tugged the blanket closer round her shoulders.
“Beth,” she said firmly. “We have to think of what’s best for her. If we got together, and then it didn’t work out…it could make it harder for us to be good co-parents.”
“What if it did work out?” His voice still held that hint of feral hunger. “Wouldn’t that make things easier?”
Her body yearned to feel his warmth again. She stood up before she could do something stupid.
“It’s too risky,” she said. “We barely know each other. We can’t let ourselves get carried away. Not yet.”
He nodded, slowly, not seeming at all dismayed by this rejection. His mouth curled in a slow, pleased smile.
“Not yet,” he said. “But you do want me.”
Oh God yes! screamed every part of her body, some specific parts louder than others. That wicked, knowing smile slammed into her resolve like a battering ram.
“It’s getting late. Beth will be up early. I need to get some rest if I’m not going to be a zombie in the morning.” She took a step back, away from temptation, fumbling for the door. “Goodnight, Callum.”
“Goodnight.” He made no move to follow her, but she could feel the heat of his gaze, still watching her. “And Diana?”
She didn’t dare look back at him, out of fear that all her clothes might spontaneously fall off. “Yes?”
His voice curled round her like an embrace. “Dream of what you want.”
And, despite her best efforts, she did.
Chapter 14
Blaise turned a box over in her hands, squinting down at it. “What in the name of all that’s unholy is a nasal aspirator?”
“It’s for cleaning snot out of your baby’s nose,” Diana replied absently, scanning the superstore’s shelves for baby shampoo. “You stick one end in their nostril, and suck on the other end.”
“With your mouth?” Blaise stared for an instant, then laughed. “Okay, I admit it, you got me good there. Seriously, what’s it for?”
“That really is what it’s for. Read the back of the packet.”
Blaise did so. Her mouth made a perfect ‘o’ of pure horror.
“You can put it back, though,” Diana added. “I could never make those things work. Beth had a bad cold a few months back, and I ended up…well, maybe I’d better not tell you. Don’t want to put you off your custard donut later.”
They’d made the hour-long trip from the hotshot base to go shopping at the nearest out-of-town big box store. Beautiful as Thunder Mountain was, Diana was enjoying the change of scenery. With Blaise and Edith for company, it felt like a girls’ day out.
Blaise dropped the nasal aspirator back onto the shelf with a shudder. “Every time I think babies can’t get any more gross, you manage to surprise me. It’s a miracle the human race didn’t die out in the Stone Age.”
“Definitely,” Edith said, gazing down at Beth. Beth beamed back, as best she could around Bunny, who was as usual stuffed into her mouth. “I could put up with a fountain of diarrhea and projectile vomiting for cheeks this chubby.”
Over the past few days with the crew, Diana had noticed that Edith seized any excuse to have a cuddle with Beth. The capable, strong firefighter was definitely broody.
She normally wouldn’t raise the topic, in case it was a sensitive issue, but she’d grown close enough to Edith that she decided to risk asking. And Edith had told her flat-out that she preferred it when people spoke their minds rather than tried to drop hints. “Have you thought about having a baby of your own?”
Edith rocked on the balls of her feet in a short, repetitive motion. Her autistic body language wasn’t hard to read, once you got over expecting her to express her emotions like neurotypical people. Diana could tell from Edith’s subtle stimming that she was feeling a little shy, but still wanted to talk about this.
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” Edith confessed. “Especially since meeting Beth. And I know Rory wants to have kids. He comes from a big family, you see. He often talks about how much he loved growing up with all his brothers and sisters.”
“I wish I’d had siblings.” Diana sighed wistfully. “I mean, I had a happy childhood, don’t get me wrong…but it must be nice, having someone close to your age who’ll always be there for you. Sometimes I worry about Beth being an only child.”
Blaise waggled her eyebrows suggestively. “Well, I can think of someone who’d be more than eager to help you out on that front.”
Diana’s face heated. It wasn’t the first such sly remark she’d heard from Callum’s friends. He’d clearly told them about his feelings for her.
Or maybe they’d just been able to guess from his actions. He hadn’t been shy about demonstrating his affection. Not that he was pestering her or anything. He was always just…there. With a sandwich, or a cup of coffee, or an offer to take Beth for a walk for an hour so that she could have a nap.
And with that devastating slight, subtle smile that never failed to make her toes curl. And those green, hungry eyes that made her feel seen in the best sort of way. Not to mention those broad, muscled shoulders…
Diana put the brakes on that train of thought before it could reach Destination: Very Very Bad (But Oh So Good). She cleared her throat, hoping that her blush wasn’t too visible.
“I think Rory would be a great dad,” she told Edith. “And you’d make a fantastic mother. Just look how much Beth adores you.”
“I love her too. And I’m really grateful to you for letting me help take care of her. It’s helped my confidence a lot.” Edith was avoiding eye contact, but that was just her way. Diana knew that she meant every word. “I was worried that…well, nobody’s quite sure how the genetics work for autism. There’s a good chance that our baby would be like Rory. Neurotypical, I mean. As well as a—”
Edith seemed to catch herself, clamping her mouth shut as though to catch a word before it escaped. It wasn’t the first time she’d stumbled like that. And she wasn’t the only one on the crew who sometimes seemed to be censoring themselves. Sometimes Diana couldn’t help feel that there was some big secret that everyone else knew, and was conspiring to hide from her.
Shut up, Gertrude, she told herself firmly. It was just her anxiety talking. She’s seen enough of the crew to trust that they were good people. And she was a newcomer, an interloper. She couldn’t expect them to include her in everything.
“Anyway,” Edith went on, after that brief, peculiar pause. “I was worried that I might not be able to relate to my own baby. Or them to me. And if they were autistic, maybe that would make Rory feel left out. Though when I told him that he just laughed and said he’d love it if our kids took after me.”
“So would I,” Blaise put in. “A whole pack of mini-Rorys would be insufferable. Just imagine it. Little blond kids following you around like your own personal Scout group, itching for any opportunity to be helpful.”
Diana smothered a giggle at the mental image. Rory was somewhat overprotective of Edith. He clearly trusted her skills and competence at work, but he still leaped on any chance to open a stuck jar or carry something heavy for her. Diana was certain he would have carried Edith around on a cushion, if she’d let him.
“No matter who they take after, your child is going to be their own person,” she said to Edith. “The older Beth gets, the more I appreciate that fact. I mean, when she was first born, she was a tiny pink blob who basically slept, nursed and pooped. I still loved her from the moment I first saw her, but…” She searched for the right words to explain it. “That was because she was my daughter, not because she was her. Now, as I get to know her personality, I love her even more. Because she is a real, amazing, entire person. It doesn’t matter how different to me she might turn out to be.”
Edith gave her an embarrassingly admiring look. “Beth’s really lucky to have you as a mom, you know.”
Diana could feel her face going pink again. She wasn’t used to praise. “Well. Your kids will be lucky to have you, if you do decide to go for it.”
Edith bit her lip, her eyes darting around. “I do really want to. But…I love my job too. And I can’t fight fires with a baby strapped into my backpack.”
Diana, who’d been ready to leap in with further words of encouragement, felt her stomach drop. Of course, Edith would have to give up her career if she wanted to become a mother. Just like she’d had to give up her own academic aspirations when she’d decided to have Beth.
Blaise, however, snorted loudly. “So you take a year off to have the baby, and then Rory takes the next year off, and you keep alternating. You both get to work and look after your sprog. What’s the problem?”
Diana blinked, taken aback by the proposal. Rory was the squad leader, after all. She’d assumed he had further career ambitions. “Would Rory be happy with that?”
“Are you kidding me? He’d love being a stay-at-home dad every other summer. Probably start an Instagram account and be constantly posting sickening photos with hashtag ‘bestlife’” Blaise perked up, her habitual cynicism falling away. “Edith! You could be our squad boss, the years that Rory isn’t here! Like a job share sort of thing!”
Edith’s eyes widened. “You really think Buck would let us do that?”
“Now you’ve got to be kidding me. You know he’s been grooming you for promotion, right? I’m pretty sure he was hoping that you’d apply for the C-squad boss position at the beginning of this year.”
Edith shook her head. “I wouldn’t want to leave A-squad.”
“I know, and I think Buck knew that too, so he didn’t want to say anything to you directly in case it put you in an awkward spot. But he was extra-grumpy when he was posting the job ad.”
“Oh!” Edith bounced on her toes—and then abruptly stilled, her rising excitement draining away. “Oh. But we can’t. Rory can’t take any time away from A-squad.”
“Sure he can,” Blaise started.
“He can’t,” Edith interrupted. She hardly ever looked people in the face, but now she fixed Blaise with a pointed stare. “Not at the moment. With…everything that’s happened. And that’s still going on.”
Blaise opened her mouth, paused, and grimaced. “You have a point.”
“What do you mean?” Diana asked, looking between them.
The two firefighters exchanged yet another of those odd, irritatingly opaque glances.
“Lupa,” Blaise said. “And her gang. They’re still out there. Rory wouldn’t leave the rest of us to face her without him.”
Diana shivered. Thanks to her self-calming rituals and her refilled prescription, she’d managed to avoid obsessing over the attack on her and Beth too much. But it was like a black, gaping hole in her mind that she had to keep consciou
sly walking around, lest it swallow her up entirely.
“Has there been any news on that front?” she asked. “Have the police found any leads?”
Blaise shook her head. “Not yet. But there are some, uh, special agents on the case now. If anyone can track Lupa down, they will.”
“Special agents? You mean the FBI?”
“Not exactly. Related agency, though. They’re experts in this sort of thing.” Blaise gave her a light, friendly punch on the arm. Sometimes it was very obvious that she’d spent her childhood hanging out with boys. “Anyway, don’t worry. You can count on us to keep you and Beth safe until the bad guys are all behind bars.”
Diana forced a smile in return. “I just hope that’s soon.”
Even as she said it, she was uncomfortably aware that the words weren’t entirely true. Not that she wanted to be the target of a criminal arson gang, of course…but she couldn’t deny that she liked staying at the hotshot base.
She liked the peace and quiet of the woods, being surrounded by nature. She liked hanging out with the squad, laughing at their banter. She liked waking up to find Callum already there, holding out her morning coffee…
It was like an enforced vacation from real life. Once Lupa and her goons had been caught, it would all come to an end. She’d have to face all the things she’d been avoiding thinking about.
Like Callum.
Blaise was watching her with an uncomfortably knowing way, as though Diana’s inner thoughts were scrolling across her forehead. “Have you and Callum talked about what you’re going to do after Lupa’s no longer a threat?”
“Not really,” she admitted. “I mean, he’s very clear that he wants to be as hands-on a father as he can, but we haven’t sat down and worked out all the practicalities of that. I don’t think Callum’s ready to talk about it yet, and I don’t want to push him too fast. This is all still very new to him.”