Chapter 49

Everything calms downafter I give Carter the keys to the kingdom. He no longer has a reason to storm the castle gates, so he lets my life return to normal. No more terrorizing the people in my life to force me to come to him and bargain, no more insane rumors to try to force me into isolation. He treats my admission like a victory, and maybe it is, but it’s one I can live with.
No longer fearing the possibility of him with anyone else makes it all worth it, to be honest. I tried to ignore how stressful that was when it was happening, but now that it’s over, it’s as if a fifty pound weight has been pushed right off my shoulders.
I couldn’t save Erika. Not that I would have expended much effort trying, but by the time Monday rolls around, the hottest gossip around school is that she failed her drug test and is no longer a cheerleader. I don’t know how Carter managed that and I decided not to ask. I decided not to let her into our relationship any longer, because she has no place there. Sure, I feel bad about what happened, but Carter did warn her, and she did choose to treat him like he wasn’t a threat. I don’t think all is fair in love and war, but Carter clearly does, and she has known him longer than I have. Shouldn’t she have known that?
In any case, she does now. After hearing the rumors, I expected her to be out for blood, but to my surprise, she seems to finally accept defeat. She doesn’t show up to lunch Monday or Tuesday, but Wednesday she does. She doesn’t even look at her old table. She walks across the cafeteria and finds an empty spot somewhere else.
I don’t skip lunch in the cafeteria anymore. I don’t sit at the popular girls’ table where Carter’s girlfriend should sit, either; I sit right next to him at the guys’ table—the sole girl among them. Perhaps because of that, the message is clear that I’m with Carter, whether I say I am or not.
Now that we’ve come to our own arrangement, I’m less concerned about titles. Carter never much liked them, anyway, and all it did was make me feel pressured. Other people can be boyfriend and girlfriend; we will be Carter and Zoey.
By Wednesday night, Carter has already blown through his two remaining rounds of math test sex. Not that it matters now. He shows up at my house Thursday evening when the rest of my family is out and fucks me right in my own bed. It’s a brutal, noisy fuck, the kind of convincingly hateful fuck most people who like each other so much probably aren’t capable of. When my body is blissfully spent and drained of energy, I curl up next to him, wrap my arms around him, and nearly drift off to sleep.
His voice draws me out of it and my heavy eyelids drift open so I can look up at him.
“When I was younger, I had this babysitter. From the time I was eight until I was thirteen. Didn’t really need a babysitter by that age, but I liked hanging out with her. She was only six years older than me, so it was more like having a friend over than a babysitter, just a smart friend who could help with my homework when my parents didn’t want to.”
I push myself up in bed a little trying to shake the bleariness. “Okay,” I murmur, not quite sure where he’s going with this.
“When I was 12, she started playing this game with me. Sometimes she would bring stuff with her, sometimes we would use stuff around the house, but… she wanted me to put things inside her. She would wear a skirt with no panties, or a top with no bra. I always knew which game we would play by what she would show up in. No panties, I would put stuff inside her until she came. No bra, she’d want me to use my mouth.”
My stomach drops as I start to piece together what he’s saying.
Glancing at me a little uncertainly, he says, “It was kind of like a signal, so I guess I knew what was coming, but I couldn’t tell anyone. Wasn’t even sure what I would tell them, you know?”
I nod, my heart in my throat. I can’t get any words out past the lump, so I just nod like a broken bobble head doll.
“It went on for a while, then the game changed. Then it wasn’t enough for me to use stuff on her, she wanted me inside her. I didn’t even feel comfortable with the game, I didn’t want to do those things I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about. It all felt wrong, and not in a remotely sexy way.”
“Oh, God, Carter,” I murmur, knowing where this is going.
Clearing his throat, he says, “Anyway, so, that was Chloe’s mom. When she got pregnant, everything kind of went to shit. She freaked out because she knew what she had done was illegal, even though she told my parents I was the one to come onto her. I wasn’t,” he says, looking me straight in the eye almost defensively.
“I know,” I assure him.
“They either didn’t believe me, or didn’t want to. My father wanted to sweep it under the rug. He thought of it as something I had done wrong, something I had screwed up. He just wanted her to get an abortion and go away. My mom, though. She wouldn’t have it. According to her, it would be wrong and two wrongs didn’t make a right. My mom decided she would keep Chloe and raise her as my sister. Pay the babysitter off, make her sign an NDA.” He cracks a cynical smile. “She made me do shit I didn’t want to do, and she got paid for it twice. It was a nice fucking pay-off, let me tell you.”
“I’m so sorry, Carter,” I say, wrapping my arms around his bare torso and burying my face in his chest. This is so unexpected, I have no idea what to say to him.
“Anyway, that’s why we moved here. My father did have an affair, but that wasn’t the main reason, it was just the final straw. We moved here to start fresh, to leave behind all our skeletons. Sometimes they follow you though, even if you never see the person again. I don’t know if all this shit is why I am the way I am, but I do know how I was introduced to sex, and I still like it the same way, now I just like to be the aggressor.” He shrugs. “Maybe a coincidence, maybe not. I don’t know.”
My introduction to intimacy was a bit violent, too, and now I crave all the things he does to me. At this point, I have no better idea than him where these cravings originate, but I nod my head in understanding anyway. I don’t need for there to be a reason for the way Carter is anymore, but I can tell he’s trying to explain himself to me. He’s opening up and sharing with me the one thing he wouldn’t share before.
He’s letting me in, deep into depths maybe he doesn’t even entirely understand. Places maybe he hasn’t even fully explored. I squeeze him tighter, wanting to express my appreciation, but unsure how. Normally I would kiss him or do something physical, but that feels wrong in the wake of what he just revealed.
Judging by his tone, he’s ready to wrap it up, but he says, “Anyway, you wanted to know about Chloe’s mom. Now you know.”
Socked by a sudden memory of me asking him if he raped some girl and got her pregnant, I want the floor to open up and swallow me whole. I want to apologize for even asking that, but I also don’t want to bring it up again.
“Thank you for telling me,” I offer softly, meeting his gaze. “I’m so sorry that happened. I honestly… I don’t even know what to say.”
“Don’t need you to say anything.” He flashes me a half-hearted smile to let me know it’s okay. “You asked, I answered. That’s all.”
Cringing, I remember, “I asked you if you loved Chloe’s mom.”
“It was a reasonable question. You didn’t know. Anyway, I don’t like talking about it, so I’d rather if we didn’t. I just figured since you’re stuck with me, I should give you some of that openness you’re so fond of.”
It feels wrong to crack a smile, but I don’t want to make him even more uncomfortable than he already is, either. “I appreciate that, thank you. And if you ever do need to talk about it, you know I’m here.”
“I know,” he assures me, tightening his arm around me and leaning forward to kiss my forehead.
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but I tip my head back so my lips meet his. His response is immediate; he pushes his fingers through my hair and cradles my head, closing his eyes and kissing me back. I want to offer comfort and support he swears he doesn’t need, but I have a feeling he will be more receptive to it coming physically than with discomfiting words. Usually there’s nothing tentative or uncomfortable about it when our bodies communicate, and while at first I wonder if this time will be an exception after what he just told me, he quickly disabuses me of that notion.

I goto his game Friday night, but I bring a spiral notebook from history class so I can study between plays. I also bring a hard copy of my book review, that way I can read through it again and make any necessary changes before I turn it in on Monday.
“Workin’ through the game. I see your team spirit’s in full swing.”
I look up at Jake, standing there towering over me with a little smirk on his face. I wouldn’t look so smug if I were him, but I don’t want to get into it with him again, either. “Can I help you with something?”
He gestures to the bench beside me, occupied by the school stuff I’ve spread out there. “Mind if I sit?”
“I think Carter might,” I offer, since Carter’s word holds more weight with Jake than mine.
A cynical smile tugs at his lips. “I think Carter knows he’s the only asshole you’re interested in.” Gesturing to the full stadium, he says, “Place is full. I just wanna watch the game.”
Sighing heavily, I begin gathering my things to make room. “Fine.”
Once I’ve gathered my things in my lap, Jake scoots down the aisle in front of me and takes a seat beside me. It’s more awkward now, but I situate my stuff in my lap and look down at the field. I don’t know what’s going on, but I spot Carter in his blue and white jersey. Even from the distance, I can’t help noticing how much more imposing he looks with all his gear on. Mm, he’s so sexy. He glances my way, and on impulse, I wave at him.
I can’t tell from here if he cracks a smile, but he lifts his hand in a brief wave back.
“Don’t fuckin’ distract the guy,” Jake snaps. “We’ve got a lot ridin’ on this game.”
“I wasn’t distracting him,” I say, scowling at Jake. “They’re just standin’ on the field. Obviously I wouldn’t wave in the middle of a play.”
Shaking his head, Jake takes a swig from his Longhorn water bottle. Judging from the strong smell that wafts my way, it’s not water inside this week, either. “Just let him focus, fuck.”
I huff, returning to my notes. “You’re the distraction,” I inform him as I turn the page. “Now he looked up here and saw you sittin’ next to me. If he gets distracted, that will be why, not because I waved.”
“Yeah, I’m sure Carter Mahoney feels real fuckin’ threatened by me,” Jake mutters dryly. “Bet he cries about it in his marble-floored money pit every damn night.”
“I didn’t say he feels threatened, but he is protective, so I doubt he would want you sitting by me.”
“Why? Afraid I might pin you down on the bleachers and take you for myself? Actually, maybe he should be. Apparently you’re into that sort of thing.”
He’s such a dick. I’m just going to ignore him.
After a minute, he asks, “What are you studyin’ for anyway?”
“History,” I murmur, dragging my finger down the page of my neatly written notes to find the answer I’m looking for.
“No, I mean, didn’t Mahoney knock you up? What do you need to study for? You’re set for life.”
Looking over at him, I remark, “You are obsessed with Carter’s money, aren’t you? No, I’m not pregnant. That’s just a rumor.”
Jake cocks a skeptical eyebrow. “It came directly from Carter. He started a rumor about himself?”
“It’s a long story. I wasn’t pregnant, he was just pissing on a tree. Telling a bunch of teenage guys I’m knocked up was an effective way of makin’ me unappealing.”
“Nice guy, that Carter,” he deadpans.
“The nicest.”
“Not controlling at all,” he adds.
“Doesn’t even know the meaning of the word,” I volley back.
“Well, my whole congregation prayed for your soul last weekend,” he tells me.
“Their efforts are much appreciated,” I offer back, wishing he would stop talking. It’s hard to study with him being so noisy.
A moment of blessed silence passes, then he ruins it by saying, “Bet you liked watchin’ Erika fall, huh?”
I flip a page more violently, even though I think I already passed the information I needed. “Not especially, no.”
Jake laughs. “Bullshit. Any girl would get a charge out of watchin’ their cheating ass boyfriend take out a social hit on the other girl.”
“He didn’t cheat, and it wasn’t—” Cutting myself off, I tell him, “You know what? I need to study. It’s been a lovely chat, but I need to get back to it.”
“Why won’t you just admit it? He cheated, but you took him back anyway because he’s fuckin’ Carter Mahoney. You did the same shit Erika did. You drive me crazy with that shit. If you’d just admit why you do things, you’d annoy me a whole hell of a lot less. This nice girl routine is bullshit.”
“I don’t actually care about being a nice girl, Jake,” I tell him. “I am who I am, and if people like it, cool. If they don’t, fuck ‘em. You want me to be someone I’m not, that’s the problem. You want to vilify me, you want to see me as shallow and meaner than I am, you want me to like Carter for his money, and you want him to have cheated, because wouldn’t that just serve me right? You wish ill on me, but it’s not for anything I’ve done, it’s just what you need to see in order to be the good guy in your own narrative. Here’s the problem. You’re not the good guy. You’d be a much better guy if you just admitted to your fuck-ups and imperfections. If you wantto be the good guy, act like one, don’t try to warp everyone else to make yourself look better. That’s not just lazy, it’s cowardly and pathetic.”
Since clearly I’m not going to get any studying done and Jake is only going to further annoy me if I stay here, I gather my things, grab my purse, and prepare to leave the aisle. Before I can, his hand shoots out and he grabs my arm. “Not so fuckin’ fast, sweetheart.”
“Get your hand off me,” I tell him, glancing back over my shoulder. “How many fucking times do I have to say that to you before it sinks in? I don’t like when you touch me, even casually. Keep your hands to yourself.”
I have to yank hard on my hand to get it free, then I make my way down the steps of the stadium. I don’t know where to go, I just need to get away from him. Looking down the aisles as I move lower and lower, I look for a spot, but there really aren’t any. It’s close to championships, homecoming is next week—people aren’t missing games right now, they’re bringing more people to cheer.
By the time I’ve made it to the ground, all I feel like doing is going home. I wonder how disappointed Carter would be if I left. We’re all supposed to go to the café after the game, but I don’t feel like scouring the stadium for a place to sit, either.
Making matters much worse, when I turn around, I see Jake heading toward me down the steps.
“You’ve gotta be kidding,” I mutter to myself. I start to round the corner to leave the stadium, but then it occurs to me, he could follow me. I don’t think he would take things as far as Carter has, but having seen the way Carter fights, I know Jake will be his next “social hit” if he hears about Jake so much as touching my wrist.
“Look, I’m sorry,” Jake says, surprising the hell out of me.
I can’t help turning to face him, wide-eyed. “What did you just say to me?”
“I didn’t intend to piss you off, you just….” He trails off, shaking his head. “I don’t think Carter’s good for you. I don’t understand why he did worse to you than I did, but you like him. You say it’s not the money, but what else could it be? What does he have that I don’t?”
I don’t know whether to feel bad for Jake because he is so unaccustomed to rejection that he literally can’t process it, or aggravated by his entitlement. I understand that he doesn’t understand, but I can’t explain it in a way that would ever help him accept it, either. The better question to me is, why the hell does he like me? I’ve never spent time with Jake like I have with Carter. At this point, I feel like Jake only likes me because Carter wants me. If I can hold the attention of Carter Mahoney, I must be something special.
“Look, what do you and I have in common, Jake? What do I like to do in my free time? What’s my favorite subject in school? Why is it my favorite? What do I want more than anything else in the world? What is it about a guy that really turns me on? Why do I come to my boyfriend’s football game, then spend half the time studying? Am I just an asshole? What matters to me? For that matter, what is your favorite thing about me? Not physical, something else.”
He blinks vacantly, completely unprepared for any of those questions.
I nod my head knowingly. “Exactly. You don’t know. Carter does. He knows the answers to all of those questions and more. He gives me answers to questions I didn’t even have. Carter gets me, and he likes what’s really there. I’m an idea to you, that’s all. Being infatuated with an idea might feel nice, but it isn’t real. I am not the girl you have in your mind. If I were, you wouldn’t be so constantly agitated by my reality. Carter and I see each other, the real shit, the dark and dirty stuff, not just the nice stuff. We know each other well, and the more we learn, the more we like. We just fit better. That is the explanation. That is why he and I are good together, and you and I never could be.”
He’s scowling at the end of my speech, but before he has a chance to respond, Brianna comes bouncing over from the line-up of cheerleaders.
“What’s goin’ on over here?” she asks, glancing between us.
“Nothing, he was just leaving,” I tell her. To Jake, I nod pointedly back up the stadium steps. “You better go get that seat before someone takes it.”
He doesn’t immediately move, so Brianna props a hand on her hip and looks at him expectantly. “Go on, Jake.”
His lips curve up cynically. “You know, Brianna, I think this is the first time you’ve spoken to me since Carter banished me.”
“He’s gonna banish you even further if you keep botherin’ his girlfriend,” Brianna states. “What is wrong with you people? Just leave Zoey alone and Carter will leave you alone. It’s not that hard!”
“Yeah, well, we don’t all enjoy bein’ Carter’s bitch as much as you do, Bri,” Jake tells her. Then to me, he nods. “You better watch this one. Anyone this eager to do Carter’s bidding sure wouldn’t say no to his dick—again.”
Brianna flushes, glaring at Jake. “Stop tryin’ to cause trouble and go away.”
“Is there a problem over here?”
My eyes widen and I look up as Carter’s father makes his way down the aisle, his eyes on us.
“Nah, Mr. Mahoney, no problem over here,” Jake tells him.
“Good,” Carter’s father clips, giving Jake a stern look. “Why don’t you go find a seat before you miss the game,” he suggests. Ignoring Brianna entirely, Mr. Mahoney puts a hand at the top of my back and nudges me toward the row he just exited. “Come on over here, honey. You can sit with us.”
Honey? I wasn’t entirely convinced by Carter’s mom’s assurance that Mr. Mahoney would be more accepting of me, but he went from “She’s going to drag you through the mud, just like she did Jake” to “honey” pretty damn quickly.
“Hi Zoey,” Chloe greets brightly as I approach.
“Hi, honey,” I offer back, looking at the row where they’re sitting.
There’s really not room for me, but Carter’s mom notices they need to make room and grabs Chloe, pulling her on her lap. Flashing me a smile, she pats the now empty bench and tells me, “You can sit here.”
I settle my things on my lap, but now that I’m not sitting alone, I would feel too awkward ignoring them to study. The view from this row is a lot better than my seats before, too. The cheerleaders are right in front of us. Carter is too far down the field to get a good view of now, but when they move back this way, I’ll get an eyeful of his butt in those football pants. Carter has such a nice butt.
“Want some of my popcorn?”
I pull myself out of lusty thoughts to glance over at Chloe, holding out a paper cone full of popcorn. “No, you can have it, but thank you for the offer,” I tell her.
Shrugging, she tips the cone back toward herself and grabs some popcorn to shove into her mouth. Her attention returns to the field, but mine lingers on her. This is the first I’ve seen her since Carter told me the truth about her shitty mother. I’ve never heard of something like that happening to anyone I’ve known before, but I guess it’s not the kind of thing most people would share openly. I wonder if he will ever tell her the truth. If not the traumatizing part, at least that she is actually his daughter, not his sister. I wonder if she’ll go to live with him in New York, although without me or a babysitter—which apparently he won’t allow—I don’t see how she could. Social life aside, he’ll have classes, and they may not all coincide with kindergarten hours. Or maybe they would, I don’t know.
I wish our schools were closer together. I wish the only considerations were what we want, and not what is possible.
“Did you bring a coloring book?” Chloe asks me.
“A coloring book?” I ask, confused. “No. Was I supposed to?”
She points at the notebook in my lap. “What’s that?”
I place a palm on the cover. “Oh, this is schoolwork. I’m trying to cram as much information into my brain as humanly possible, so I keep these with me pretty much everywhere I go.”
Carter’s dad pipes in with, “Carter tells us you’re on track to be class salutatorian. That’s quite the accomplishment.”
He must not have told them he was the one on track to be salutatorian, and he blew it so I could have the spot. I still feel a little guilty about that, but I keep telling myself Carter doesn’t need it like I do. Besides, it was his choice.
Over the course of the game, both of Carter’s parents chat with me. Chloe gets bored by half time and asks if she can use my highlighters to color pictures in my notebook. She winds up in my lap, drawing blue stick people with yellow hair and green clothes. Thankfully, I keep a multitude of colored highlighters and pens in my purse for note-taking purposes.
When the game is over, despite Chloe’s numerous requests to leave, Carter’s parents remain behind with me until Carter comes out to claim me. I get the feeling they don’t want to leave me alone in case anyone else tries to cause trouble. They certainly never bothered protecting me before, but after tonight, I feel more officially Carter’s girlfriend than I ever have before.
I’m not sure funny is the word, but it’s certainly remarkable how different things are from how they were before Carter. When I was nobody, when I reported Jake’s behavior, not a single person sprang to my defense. Not even my own parents. Now, Jake is a little bit unpleasant to me and I have cheerleaders and parents running to my rescue, all because now that I’m Carter’s, I matter. Now, I have a voice worth listening to—because I belong to Carter.
It’s kind of annoying, but I guess I’m not going to change the world all at once. I’ll take the reprieve, and maybe someday my voice will matter, even when he’s no longer around to make it count.
Or maybe not. Who knows?
At least I’ve survived the worst of senior year. From now until graduation, aside from jealous jerks trying to shake my trust in Carter for no reason, I have a hunch things will be calm. By the time I get used to it, it will be time for college to separate us, and I’ll begin a whole new adventure by myself.
My heart feels emptier just thinking about it. There’s no reason to let concerns about the future dull the present, though. Shoving them aside, I enjoy the feeling of Carter’s strong arms locking around my waist, his kisses peppering my mouth before he claims it in a deep, possessive kiss.
The first words out of his mouth when he breaks away are, “Why was Jake bothering you?”
“Because he has a crush on an imaginary girl who looks like me,” I inform him, winding my arms around his neck.
“Damned doppelgänger,” he says lightly, shaking his head.
“Always causing trouble,” I murmur, before stealing another kiss.
“Need me to take care of it?”
“I do not,” I tell him, firmly. “Your dad was nice to me today.”
I expect at least a hint of pleased surprise, but he merely nods confidently. “I know. I told you I’d take care of that. I got him on team Zoey.”
“Last time he was team ‘Zoey the ho,’ so good job on that turnaround.”
Smiling faintly, he kisses the end of my nose. “I have my ways.” Releasing my waist, he takes a step back and fishes his keys out of his bag. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat. I’m starving.”