Chapter 39

My bedroom is dark,but the sliver of moonlight coming in through the window illuminates Carter’s intense features. Faced with the reality of him in my room, my stomach bottoms out. With my heart in my throat, I open my mouth to… well, I’m not exactly sure, but before I can say anything, Carter does.
“Caught your mom before she went to bed. Told her we were fighting and I really needed to talk to you. She let me come right up.” Crawling forward, he adds, “Your mom kind of sucks.”
“She doesn’t suck,” I defend, easing up on my elbows to move back away from him. “She’s just…” I don’t know how to finish that sentence, so I don’t bother. “More importantly, what are you doing here?”
“You weren’t answering my texts,” he tells me, as if sneaking into my bedroom is a reasonable response. “I know you can’t ignore me in person, so here I am.”
He’s so damn pushy. Shaking my head, I tell him, “You need to leave. I don’t want to talk to you, that’s what it means when you text someone and they don’t text back. Hard to interpret, I realize.”
“Definitely a mixed signal,” he says lightly, playing along. “I figured you were just busy.”
“You did not.”
Carter smiles, grabbing my hips and dragging me to the middle of the bed.
My defenses go up. I know Carter isn’t above using any means at his disposal, but if he thinks he can use his body to short circuit my brain, he has another thing coming. “Carter, you really need to leave. I’m not playin’ around. We broke up. I’m not your plaything anymore. This is no longer appropriate by any stretch of the imagination.”
“Now, that’s where we disagree,” he tells me, pulling me beneath him and straddling my hips. “You broke up. I didn’t agree to it.”
“You can’t reject my break-up. When one person initiates a break-up, the other person has no choice but to accept it. Have you never been dumped before?”
“Of course I haven’t,” he answers. “I’ve only ever dated Erika, and, well, you know how that went down.”
That’s the wrong person to bring up right now. Glaring up at him, I say, “Yes, I do. And speaking of Erika, get the fuck off me before I grab my phone and call the police to report an intruder in my house.”
Utterly unconcerned, Carter says, “Feel free to try, princess. If you think my reflexes are so shitty I won’t be able to stop you, go ahead and reach for your phone. Let’s find out if you’re right.”
Huffing at him, I glare harder. “Just tell me what you want to tell me so you can leave.”
Cocking a dark eyebrow, he tells me, “Now, that’s not very hospitable.”
“You are not my guest. You’re not welcome here. I don’t want you here,” I offer more firmly.
“Now you’re just being mean,” he tells me. “It doesn’t suit you.”
“I’m not bein’ mean. I’m telling my erratic ex to get off me and get out of my bedroom. That’s perfectly reasonable.”
“Ouch. Ex? No, I don’t like that.”
“I’m not playin’ around, Carter,” I tell him seriously. “I know I’ve let you get away with some stuff in the past, but not this. Not her. You won’t talk me out of this. You and I are over, done, finished. I don’t trust you anymore. I’m sorry to tell you, no matter what you say or do, you’re not getting your way this time.”
I’m only wearing shorts and a thin, baby blue cami top to sleep in, no bra underneath. Because he’s a dick, Carter covers my breasts with his big hands and squeezes. “No matter what I do, huh?” he asks, a note of challenge in his tone.
An answering pulse of arousal rears its ugly head at the feel of his hands on me, but I ignore it. There’s little point in dancing around the obvious, so I meet his gaze and tell him evenly, “You and I both know you can take what you want physically, if you want to. That’s not what I’m talking about. You may be able to force your way inside my body, Carter, but you can’t force your way back into my heart.”
Aware of the force field Carter usually erects when he needs to defend himself, I don’t really expect much of a reaction to my words. I’m surprised when he looks down and I see something like disappointment in his eyes. “You got rid of me that fast, huh? Just the other night you were saying you loved me.”
There’s enough hurt in his words that I drop some of my own defenses. Even if he is the one who put us in this situation, I feel bad for him. I don’t hate Carter, I just can’t be in a relationship with him if I know it will drive me crazy. Now that I know he went over to her house and I saw what happened, I could never trust Carter with Erika again, not even as friends. I know he was willing to cut her out of group hangs, but she’s a cheerleader and he’s on the football team. What about away games? I refuse to babysit him, and I don’t want a version of Carter I would have to babysit. When I started falling for him, I fell for what he sold me—an imperfect person, absolutely, but one I would never have to worry about cheating.
I don’t know what to say. I want to take the sting out of my words and make him feel better, but I don’t want to give him false hope either.
“I still care about you,” I offer, carefully. “I just can’t be with you. Whether you intended to or not, you damaged my ability to trust you. Knowing you’re unscrupulous with other people is one thing, but you’re right, in order for me to accept all your baggage, I needed to be the exception. I needed to be the one you treated like a teammate, like I was in on the joke you’re playing on the world, not the one you’re lying to and plotting against. That’s a dealbreaker for me, Carter. I liked feeling that you respected me and had my back. I would’ve had yours, too. But I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t sign up to be like every other inconsequential girl you didn’t care about. And if that’s all I am, that’s fine. I can’t dictate how you feel about me. I’m not sayin’ I am special, but if I’m just like all the others, then I’m not interested. You can’t make me interested again, because I never wanted that in the first place.”
Carter’s hot gaze burns into me. “You are not just another girl to me, Zoey. Can’t you see that? In a world full of phony bullshit, you’re the only thing that’s real. I do respect you immensely. What happened with her was before we officially got together. I know that’s a technicality, I know it still fucking sucks, and I’m sorry for that. But this is not something you and I break up over. I don’t care about Erika. She’s dead to me. I’ll never be alone with her again, you have my word on that. I care about you, I care about us, I care about the future I can see us having, and I’m not about to let you chuck it all out the fucking window when we’re just getting started. If you couldn’t handle me, that would be one thing, but not over this. Not over her.”
I know there’s little point arguing with Carter. I’ve volleyed back and forth in a battle of wills with him before, but I’m tired, I’m sad, and I’m done. I don’t want to play these games with him anymore. I don’t want to defend my worldview and explore his. I just want him to leave and let me get back to my life.
Since I know he already expects that the only reason I’m doing this is because he hurt me with the Erika thing, I offer him the rest of the story. “You’re too much of a distraction, Carter. I get so wrapped up in you and everything else gets moved to the backburner, and it never stops. It never slows down. It’s not like it’s just a bumpy road getting to the relationship and then things calm down. There’s a dark secret lurking around every corner. There is so much I still don’t know about you, and… after this Erika thing, I am just at capacity. I don’t have enough interest left to keep going through things with you. I’m sorry if that sounds hard-hearted, but you know what? Less than a week ago you put your whims ahead of me. I have to put my future ahead of you. I have to keep my grades up so I can graduate at the top of our class, get that scholarship, and get the hell out of this town. That’s my only chance, and I really believe that if I stay with you, I’ll blow it. I know you like the idea of a future with me, but we were together for like 5 minutes, Carter. It probably wouldn’t end up workin’ out between us, and then where does that leave me? Drowning in an ocean of regret because I allowed my high school boyfriend to distract me with his endless drama and my focus slipped. I can’t have that. I won’t.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not going to ruin your life?” he asks.
“That’s the problem, Carter. It doesn’t matter how many times you say it, because I can’t believe it. I think you’re a lot of things, and I have enjoyed… whatever this has been between us. I don’t know what that says about me, but I have. The problem is, you are a slippery slope, and I can see a future between us too, but I think mine looks a lot different than yours. At this point, I can’t see a version of my life where you are not my downfall.”
Shaking his head, visibly aggravated, Carter says, “You didn’t feel this way before you saw that fucking video. You can act like you have all these solid reasons, Zoey, but you were ready to do this before Erika fucked it up. These excuses are bullshit. You can study and have a boyfriend. Literally everyone else manages.”
“It doesn’t matter if you believe me,” I state, done with explaining myself. “It doesn’t matter if you like my reasons. Our relationship is over and so is this conversation. Now, please leave. I have had the longest day ever, I’m tired, and I want to go to sleep.”
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” he says, suddenly calm and meeting my gaze. “If you think your dignity demands this response, it doesn’t. I will make it up to you. I can fix this. One mistake is not who I am, and it damn sure isn’t the sum total of our fucking relationship. Throwing it all away… it’s a waste.”
I wish I could argue that, but I can’t. No, I can’t be positive I’m making the right decision, but I think the chances are good I would regret staying with Carter more than I’ll ever regret leaving him. I’m not going to say that to him. I’ve said enough and I really don’t feel like being mean.
Instead, I meet his gaze and offer simply, “I’m sorry.”
Carter watches me for a moment, still straddling my hips. Finally, he shakes his head and climbs off me. “Fine.”
My stomach rocks at his acquiescence, but I remind myself this is what I wanted. It’s still jarring that he’s not only doing what I asked him to do, but doing it so quickly. Now that he’s off me, off my bed, he doesn’t linger. He goes straight to the door and pulls it open, preparing to leave.
Out of place disappointment creeps up on me, but only fleetingly. I shove it down, pointing out to myself I should be glad Carter is respecting my wishes for once. And I am. I meant what I said, it’s just… a little voice in the back of my mind whispers that for all he claims to see a future with me, he sure didn’t fight very hard for me.
Oh well. I didn’t want him to fight me, I wanted him to go away, and now he is. If there’s still a small part of me that wants to call him back, that’s just an impulse I’ll have to ignore.
Carter doesn’t say goodbye and he doesn’t look back. I’m so focused on holding onto my control, on guarding myself in case he pivots at the last second, it’s not until he’s so far gone he must be out the front door that I feel it for the first time.
This crazy ride I have been taking with him… it’s finally over. Carter and I are really over, and God help me, I’m gonna miss him.