Chapter 37

The morning passesin a foggy blur. Random memory assaults hit me at odd times—Carter and me tangled in the dark, his skin against mine the night he took my virginity. Sleeping over at his house this weekend, the way I woke up next to his warm body. The way he held me down in his living room and fucked me brutally, without mercy.
The faint stirring of lust should feel better than the sadness that has been following me around, but instead, it intensifies my loss. No more of that. No more of him.
I have to be done now. I know Carter needs firm boundaries, and if I say I’m not like Erika but I do exactly what she did, he’ll only keep hurting me. Carter is a predator, and that’s what predators do. I’m not even sure he can help it, not anymore.
There was no reason for him to do what he did. No reason that I can see anyway. None but the obvious one.
I don’t really matter to him. He’s not afraid to lose me. I am just another girl to him, but it’s the kind of thing you only realize in hindsight, not when you’re swept up in his lies. Carter only tells the truth when he’s tired of you and wants you to go away, just like he did with Erika. I don’t think he wants to get rid of me yet, so he’ll probably lie more, and I need to be braced for that. I know how convincing he can be. I have vivid recall of the night Erika first told me about this, the way Carter looked when he promised me nothing happened between them.
I knew Carter was a gamble, so I shouldn’t be so surprised I lost.
By the time I get to history class, I’m drained. It has been a long, sad, angering day, and I just want to go home and curl up in bed. Sleep off the disappointment. Sleep off Carter’s spell so I can get back to living my ordinary, Carter-less life.
I’ve spent so much of my day with this new reality already that I’m taken off guard when Carter stops by my desk, a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eyes like everything is normal. Then I realize it is for him. I’ve had to live with this new reality, but he doesn’t even know anything has changed. I didn’t text him back once I got to class late, and I didn’t text him after that because I didn’t want to.
“Hey, you,” Carter says, bending down to kiss me.
I should pull away or turn my head, but since I know it’s the last kiss I’ll get from him, I go ahead and take it. Closing my eyes for the briefest of moments, I kiss him back. Unexpectedly, the brush of his lips causes tears to sting behind my eyes. A fist of sadness seems to have punched me in the stomach. I pull back and look down at my desk, trying to get my bearings.
I shouldn’t have done that. I should have let whichever kiss we shared before I knew be the last one. It doesn’t matter that I can’t remember it. God willing, someday I won’t remember him.
I know that won’t happen, though. I’ll never forget Carter Mahoney. He may not reside inside me as a good memory, but he’ll certainly be there.
Carter touches my arm to get my attention. His dark brows are furrowed in confusion and he frowns. “Hey, you okay?”
His presence right now is unbearable. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the idea of having this conversation face-to-face. Maybe I should just text it to him. Maybe there’s no bravery in facing him, only more hurt. Only more chances for him to fill my head with bullshit. The smartest thing to do is probably to cut him off, to never listen to another word he says. Never speak another word to him.
“You should probably get to your seat,” I murmur, flipping open my notebook to a clean page. I grab my pen and write the date in the top right corner, doing my best to ignore Carter.
Rather than going to his seat, he squats down by my desk and frowns at me more intensely. “Zoey, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Carter, please,” I say, finally meeting his gaze. “Just…”
“Just what?” he asks, completely lost.
His confusion makes me ache with sympathy, and that’s infuriating. He doesn’t deserve my sympathy. He deserves a slap in the face, but I can see in his eyes that he’s genuinely confused. He wants to know what’s wrong, and he doesn’t understand why I’m not telling him.
“Just leave me alone,” I say, shaking my head. My heart drops saying that, so I look at my empty sheet of notebook paper instead of his face. I don’t need any additional torture material; my heart is already being a real jerk to me.
Carter rises slowly, even more confused now. I don’t look up, but I can feel him wanting to stay. Wanting to haul me out of this seat, drag me out into the hall, and demand to know what’s wrong.
The teacher is standing right up front, though. In general, Carter has a lot of leeway, but this particular teacher doesn’t give Carter as long a leash and has already advised me to be careful with my ‘new friends.’ I doubt Mr. Hassenfeld would let Carter drag me out into the hall when he’s watching, especially if I gave any resistance. Carter must think the same thing, because after a moment’s consideration, he finally turns and walks slowly to his desk a couple rows over.
I look up and watch him walk away, but once he sits down, I don’t look at him again for the rest of the period. On the off chance he’s looking my way, I don’t want to get caught.
This history class is at once the longest and shortest of my life. I try vehemently to concentrate, but I can’t. I’m so frustrated by it, but my mind keeps wandering. On top of the massive distraction that is Carter Mahoney on a normal day, today I have images of him in bed with Erika flitting through my mind.
Maybe this is for the best. Carter has my head more messed up than Jake ever did. Even with virtually the whole school against me, I never let them get to me before. I never let them shake me.
Now, I am shaken.
Predictably, the moment class lets out, Carter is out of his seat and on his way to me. I gather all my things quickly and make a beeline for the door, but he’s right on my heels.
“Zoey,” he calls out, grabbing my arm and tugging me back to stop me running away. “What the hell is going on?”
Sucking in a fortifying breath, I turn on my heel and tug my arm free from his grasp. There are a million things I could say and I’m sure I’ll have to explain beyond this, but I decide to open with the bold truth. “We’re breaking up.”
Carter rears back a bit, completely flabbergasted. “What? We are not.”
“Yes, we are.”
“No, we most assuredly are not,” he says, more firmly.
“I know you went to Erika’s that night,” I state, impressed by how calm and even I’m able to keep my voice. “I know you’ve been lying to me. I know we agreed it might be a gray area because we weren’t official yet, but I specifically told you that if you lied to me about it, then it was no longer a gray area for me.” I shake my head, hugging my books tightly to my chest and looking down at the speckled linoleum floor. “I can’t trust you, and I can’t be with someone I can’t trust.”
“Zoey…” He trails off, for once, unsure what to say. Raking a hand through his dark locks, he tries to come up with something, but I really don’t want to hear it. “Nothing happened—”
I interrupt. “No. Come on, Carter, don’t make it worse. Don’t pile on the lies. I saw evidence. She took a sneaky video and showed it to me this morning. I saw… much more than I wanted to see.” The memory of Carter flipping Erika on her back hits me and heat suffuses my face. “I’m just… I’m done. I have to be. I’m sorry,” I offer, before turning on my heel.
Rather than let it go, Carter follows me. “What the fuck are you talking about, she took a sneaky video?”
“It was on her headboard,” I state, flatly. “Now I know what Erika’s bare breasts look like. Yay for me.”
“Oh, fuck,” he mutters.
A wave of cynicism hits me, but I manage a cool nod. “Yeah. Fuck, indeed. It’s fine. It’s over, it’s done. Whatever. I really can’t expend much more emotional energy on you, Carter. I’m done.”
“Zoey, it is not what you think,” he says. “I don’t know what you saw on that video, but didn’t you see me stop? I woke up to a half-naked girl I used to date kissing me. I was disoriented, and… Trust me, the minute I realized what I was doing, I stopped. It was a stupid fucking mistake. I’m not lying when I say nothing happened. Nothing did, so it wasn’t worth admitting to you. It wasn’t worth hurting your feelings over what amounts to sleep fog and nothing else.”
I stop walking and turn back to look at him, my eyes flashing. “I gave you the benefit of the doubt, Carter. I initially thought she took advantage of you because you were asleep, but the problem with that is, you woke up. And when you woke up, you kept going. Not only did you kiss her back, let her grind against you without a shirt on and touch her, I watched you take charge. If you had enough of your bearings to take control, you had enough not to do it in the first place. But you expect me to believe you didn’t know what was happening? Was the feel of her naked breasts not a big enough clue? Maybe I could have let you off the hook for just kissing her back when you woke up because I can believe that your head wasn’t clear yet, I can believe you were disoriented for a minute. I can’t believe that you didn’t know what you were doing after that, though. That doesn’t check out.”
“Haven’t you ever woken up exhausted and not thinking clearly?”
“Of course, but I didn’t roll over and maul anyone by accident.”
Grabbing my arm lightly, he pulls me closer to him, trying to suck me into his vortex. His voice calms, like he knows he needs to take control of the wheel before I navigate us into a brick wall. “Zoey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever you saw. Believe me, I will have words with her about this bullshit, but this is not worth breaking up over. I wasn’t lying to you. I told you nothing happened, and from my perspective, nothing did. Not really. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped.”
“And as soon as I realized I can’t trust you and this relationship will never not be hard and stressful, I stopped,” I shoot back, firmly. Pulling away, I take a couple steps back and shake my head. “There’s nothing you can say to change my mind. I’ve thought about it all morning, and I honestly think this is for the best.”
“You can trust me,” he says, his eyes flashing with irritation. “I didn’t cheat, I didn’t even really lie.”
Shaking my head, I ask the question that’s really been on my mind all morning. “Why were you even at her house in the first place, Carter?”
That takes some of the wind out of his sails.
“It was after our date, exactly like she said. It was late. I don’t understand why you were there, and honestly, I don’t think you should have been.”
It takes him a moment to answer that one. He looks away from me for a few seconds, then brings his gaze back. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have been there.”
“But you were. Why?”
Sighing, he shakes his head and avoids my gaze. “It was before we slept together, Zoey. We weren’t 100 percent certain yet. Erika was texting me, and… it was stupid, incredibly stupid, and I regretted it immediately. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything to you, I knew it was a mistake, I knew it could only possibly hurt your feelings, and I… I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t plan on doing anything, but I did think about it.”
That sucks. I should probably say something back, but anger and disappointment fuse together and begin to bubble under the surface of my skin. I really don’t want to get emotional, especially in front of him. I think he’ll take advantage of it the second I stop being logical and let him access my feelings. So, I won’t. I seal myself behind a wall Carter can’t penetrate and tell him evenly, “Well, I wish you all the best. Goodbye, Carter.”
“I’m just being honest, Zoey,” he states.
“Maybe, but it’s too late.” With that, I summon every ounce of grace I can scrape up and walk away.