by Maya Banks
A quick rehearsal of her excuse for going out, and she headed down the stairs. In a calculated measure, she’d sent Margaret ahead to summon the carriage. As luck would have it, when she stepped into the foyer, Thomas came around the corner to announce the carriage’s arrival.
“Inform my brothers, should they inquire, that I am going out shopping.”
“Yes, of course, my lady.”
She strode purposefully out to the carriage, her determination fueling her steps. After giving Stuart’s direction to the driver, she settled back in her seat, a satisfied smile relaxing her face.
When she arrived at Stuart’s, she descended the steps of the carriage and squared her shoulders. Firming her lips into a determined line, she walked briskly up to the door and knocked.
If the butler was surprised to see her again he didn’t show it. He took her bonnet and led her into the drawing room. “I’ll summon Mr. Eglin at once.”
She nodded and once again waited. But this time anticipation, not dread, filled her chest.
“Jenna, this is becoming a pleasant surprise,” Stuart said as he ambled into the room, though his expression didn’t quite agree with his words.
“I will come straight to the point of my visit,” she said with no preamble. There was little point in delaying the announcement.
“Would you care for some tea?”
She shook her head and willed him to be silent and listen. “Stuart, I cannot marry you.”
He lifted a brow. “I thought we had been over this already.”
“You don’t understand. I will not marry you. I am calling off our engagement. It was wrong of me to try and get you to do the deed. I am taking full responsibility.”
He sank down into an armchair and stared at her. “Is it the other man?”
She met his gaze without blinking. “I would be lying if I told you no, however, he has nothing to do with my decision not to marry you. I do not even know if I have a future with this man, though I certainly wish it.”
She moved closer to him, forgetting for a moment that she ought to retain her distance. Kneeling in front of him, she laid a gloved hand on his arm. “We wouldn’t be happy, Stuart. Though I have a certain fondness for you, I do not love you. I do not think we would suit well at all.”
Searching his eyes for anger, danger, malice or ill intent, she rocked back on her heels and slowly rose before him. All she saw was puzzlement.
“Very well, I see in your demeanor that nothing I say can sway you. I wish you happiness, Jenna. I do not think our fathers will be very happy with our decision at all, but perhaps that is of less consequence.”
He rose and stood before her. Then he leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “I do hope you can still regard me in a kindly light.”
She blinked in surprise and could only nod. “Thank you for understanding,” she whispered. “I must be going now.”
She turned and hurried from the room, confusion radiating from her in droves. Just when she thought she knew exactly who and what Stuart was, he managed to give her pause. She glanced back to see him watching her from the window. A shiver seized her spine at the intensity of his stare. Perhaps she was justified in her suspicions after all.
As she climbed into the carriage, she felt her anxiety evaporate like water on a hot day. She was free. Completely and utterly free. She had done it. No deception, no attempt to make herself the victim, she had taken full responsibility for the broken engagement, and now she was free.
Her euphoria growing by the minute, she gave the driver Gray’s direction, nearly shouting in her excitement.
She had the driver pull directly in front of Gray’s gate. There was no need to hide her visits any longer. She was free to see him and cared little who saw her.
She danced out of the carriage, her feet barely touching the cobblestone street. Hurrying to the door, she knocked and waited for Masterson to open the door. Moments later she breezed by his startled countenance, not giving him an opportunity to say whether Gray was receiving callers or not. It didn’t matter, he would see her.
“Is Mr. Douglas up in his room?”
“Yes, but...”
“Very well, I’ll see myself up,” she said gliding toward to stair.
“But, my lady...”
She ignored him and hurried up to Gray’s room. Her future awaited her, and she could scarcely contain her excitement.
Not bothering to knock, she swung open his door. He was standing over by his wardrobe fastening his breeches. His head came around when he heard her enter, and shock filled his face. “Jenna! What are you doing here?”
She smiled and launched herself into his arms.
He caught her and pulled her away from his chest. “Why are you here? Do your brothers know you are here?”
“Aren’t you glad to see me?”
“Yes, of course, but you shouldn’t be here.”
His body was stiff, and he held her at arm’s length. The welcoming light she’d always seen in his eyes had been extinguished.
She blinked in surprise. This wasn’t going at all like she’d planned. “I had to see you, had to speak to you.”
“Well, you are here now, so I suppose it won’t hurt anything.”
Her tongue felt thick in her mouth, but her joy overrode all else. “I am free, Gray. We can be together now. I’ve broken my engagement to Stuart.”
He arched an eyebrow in surprise and pulled away from her. “I think you know that isn’t possible.”
“But it is,” she said with a smile. “I love you and I only want to be with you. Nothing else matters.”
His eyes darkened at her admission, but his expression remained unreadable. Did her words mean nothing? He opened his mouth to speak, but she interrupted what could only be an objection. “We don’t have to hide any longer. We can be together. We can elope to Gretna Green before my parents return, or we can wait and marry here in London. Either way, it is my decision. One no one can make for me.” She grasped his hands in hers and squeezed. “Didn’t you hear me? We can be together!”
His face softened. He released her hands and cupped her cheek gently in his palm. “It won’t work.”
Fear shook her. Fingers of dread curled around her heart. He looked like he pitied her. She hadn’t imagined the possibility of him not being willing. “Why won’t it work?” She had to ask though she knew she didn’t want to hear his reply.
He closed his eyes and raked a hand through his hair. When he opened them again his expression was bleak. “The answer is no.”
Her mouth opened in shock, and tears welled in her eyes. “Why?”
“I won’t be party to alienating you from your family. Sebastian was here, and I know that neither he nor your father would ever grant their blessing for such a match.”
“But their blessing doesn’t matter.”
His finger shushed her. “It does matter, Jenna. I won’t ever again make the mistake I made with Roslyn. You love your family. She loved her family, and I took her away from them. The results were disastrous.”
“But—”
“Let me finish.” He turned away from her and rested his palms on the seal of the window, looking down on the street below. “I pressured Roslyn into eloping with me. Told her if she loved me that she’d choose me over her family. It was despicable of me. She was reluctant to marry me without her parents’ blessing, but I told her once we were married they would come around. That our love was all that mattered.”
He turned to her again, his face a mask of pain. “I killed her as sure as if I’d driven the carriage she died in. I can’t do that to you, Jenna. You love your family and they love you. I can’t let you throw that away, certainly not for me.”
“Don’t you think I should be the one who decides what I throw away?” she asked challengingly.
“You aren’t thinking straight right now. You’re upset. When you’ve had time to think about this properly you will tha
nk me.”
“I will never thank you for this.”
“Jenna, please. Don’t do this to yourself. I don’t want us to part this way.”
“I don’t want us to part at all!”
“But we must. I am not the man for you. I don’t deserve you. Sooner or later you would grow despondent over your lost relationship with your family. Then you would blame me, resent me. I couldn’t bear it.”
“Don’t tell me what I would feel,” she said forcefully. “You can’t possibly know how I would feel. I love you, Gray. Does that mean nothing to you?”
“It means more than you will ever know,” he said quietly. “But it doesn’t change the fact that we cannot have a life together no matter how much you may wish it.”
“So you’re going to turn me away because of something that happened over five years ago? I’m not Roslyn!” Her chest felt like it was in the grip of a vise. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.
“Jenna, please...don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
His voice pleaded with her, but she couldn’t see past her pain at his rejection. She was such a fool. He hadn’t even professed to love her as he did Roslyn.
She felt old. Completely and utterly old. Lifeless. She had made a complete fool of herself. At no time had he expressed more than an interest in bedding her. “I see. How silly of me. Do pardon my intrusion. I am sorry to have bothered you.” She turned and walked stiffly to the door.
“Jenna, don’t...” he pleaded.
She didn’t turn back, couldn’t show him how destroyed she was. Her heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces, she walked away from the only man she would ever love. A man who didn’t want her. A man who had never said he loved her.
Gray watched her spine stiffen as she walked out of his room and out of his life. It was all he could do not to call her back, tell her they would work it out. But he couldn’t. It was Roslyn all over again. His hands shook, and clawing panic gripped his throat.
He turned to the window and watched as she walked slowly down the street to her waiting carriage. Cursing himself for his utter stupidity, he yanked his gaze from her and pounded his fist against the wall beside the paned glass.
How could he have let this happen? Allowed himself to fall in love with yet another woman he could never have? Oh yes, he loved her. Loved her with every breath he took. But love wasn’t enough. Love was for fools who didn’t know better.
It would kill him to see her love turn to hatred, resentment. And finally despair. They didn’t have a future no matter how much they wanted one.
He shuffled to the library feeling older than his years, broken, and alone. He poured himself a drink, and sat down behind his desk, staring moodily into the fire he always had burning in the hearth. Perhaps it was time he took his leave from England. Did some more traveling. Run just like he had after Roslyn died. Coward.
He took a long draught from his glass, wishing for something to numb the gut-wrenching pain he felt. Traveling wouldn’t help, he knew that. He couldn’t think of one place he could go where thoughts of Jenna wouldn’t assail him. Her excitement for exotic locales, grand adventures, and beautiful scenery would follow him to the ends of the earth. How could he possibly enjoy them without her?
He should never have accepted her proposal. Not only was he devastated by the impossibility of them being together, but he’d taken her innocence, used her. He’d recognized from the beginning that his actions certainly weren’t honorable, but he’d had to have her.
In the short time they were together, they had loved with abandon. Formed a deep bond, but it wasn’t enough to give them a life together. It never would be.
###
Jenna stumbled blindly up to her room, her heart aching with grief. He didn’t want her. Didn’t feel the same about her. How stupid could she be? She’d gone to him in the beginning and asked him to become her lover, not her future husband. Of course he hadn’t wanted to marry her. Why should he? She’d been more than willing to give him the benefits of the marriage bed without the sanctity of the ritual. What must he think of her?
She’d never felt so betrayed in her life. He was obviously still in love with Roslyn. Roslyn, Roslyn, Roslyn. Would she never hear the end of her? She couldn’t compete with a ghost, and moreover she had no wish to share his affections with a dead woman.
She trudged over to her bed and curled into a tight ball underneath the covers. Now she was looking at a future alone. She didn’t regret breaking off her engagement. She could never marry anyone after her time with Gray. And certainly not someone capable of murder. After the scandal of her broken engagement surfaced, the only man who’d be willing to marry her would be a fortune hunter. Willing to overlook anything for the sake of her dowry.
She had only herself to blame. She’d known the risks from the beginning, embraced them. Throwing caution to the wind, she had gone after what she wanted. The outcome should have satisfied her. She’d enjoyed a glorious two weeks in the arms of a man like no other, and her marriage to Stuart wouldn’t go forth. Yet, her victory felt hollow.
What would her future ever be like now that she’d tasted true happiness? And lost it almost as quickly.
Numbness took over, giving her blessed relief from the pain that racked her body and mind.
“Jenna?” Quinn called from the door. His voice grew closer, but she didn’t move from underneath the covers. “Thomas said you’d gone out earlier. I was just checking in on you.”
He was now at the edge of her bed. She squeezed her eyes shut, but a tear escaped down her cheek.
“What’s wrong?” he asked in a concerned voice. He knelt down on the floor beside her bed, brushing back her hair with his hand.
Hot tears ran down her cheeks despite her attempts to call them back. “He refused me,” she whispered.
“Who?” he demanded. “What are you talking about?”
“I went to him. After I went to Stuart and broke off our engagement. Told him I was willing to give up everything for him. And he turned me away.” Her voice ended in a sob.
Quinn slid onto the bed beside her and enfolded her in his arms, bringing her to a sitting position. “God, Jenna. I don’t know what to say.”
“You’re wrong about him,” she said, her voice muffled by his chest. “Everyone is wrong about him. He isn’t a rake. It’s all rumor.”
“It matters not. He isn’t fit to lick your boots. I’d like nothing more than to soundly trounce him.”
Even that failed to elicit a smile from her. “What am I going to do, Quinn? I love him so much it hurts. I don’t want to live without him.”
“I don’t know, Sprite. I hate to see you hurting so. I feel so damn helpless.”
“I was a fool. I humiliated myself in front of him.”
He pulled her away from his chest and looked at her with stormy eyes. “No, you aren’t a fool. He is the fool. He doesn’t deserve your love or your regard.”
“I thought you would applaud him turning me away,” she said with a sniffle.
“I never said I wanted you to marry him, but he is ten times a fool for turning down the opportunity to have you. You are worth a hundred times more than him.”
She gave him a watery smile. “Thank you.”
“I only want you to be happy. I hate seeing you so miserable. That isn’t the Jenna I know and love so well. You can’t let this destroy you. Yes, it hurts, but you don’t have to let everyone know you’re hurting.”
“It’s not that simple,” she said quietly. “I won’t ever get over this, Quinn. This isn’t a passing infatuation.”
“Is there anything I can do?” His voice reflected helplessness.
“You’ve already done a lot. Thank you for lending me an understanding ear.”
He kissed the top of her head. “Now what’s this about you breaking your engagement? Is it too late to recant?”
She drew away
and wiped away her tears. “No. I won’t. No matter what, I can’t marry Stuart. I’d rather spend my life alone than settle for a lifetime of unhappiness with him.”
He blew out his breath and massaged his chin with his hand. “Papa isn’t going to like this. Even if he never finds out about your indiscretions.”
She looked away. “I realize this. But I can’t sacrifice my happiness for some expectation he has. I just can’t. I know it is a terrible flaw that I can’t be more dutiful, but I feel as if I’m being punished for something I haven’t even done. Being sent away from my family to marry someone I loathe.”
“I don’t blame you,” he said softly. “And I want you to know that you have my support. I won’t leave you to face Papa alone.”
“Oh, Quinn. You are such a dear, dear brother.” She threw herself into his arms and hugged him tightly.
He returned her embrace then pulled slowly away. “I’ll leave you alone now. But if you have need of me, I am never far away.”
She smiled half-heartedly and watched as he withdrew from her room. Leaning back on her bed, she turned over and faced the window, the setting sun bathing her bed in its soft glow.
What would she do now? Her engagement was ended as was any chance she had of a life with Gray. But what remained was the threat against her. She could not ignore all that had transpired in the last week. Nor that someone had broken into her bedroom to retrieve the locket and the box containing the letters. What would happen when it was discovered the letters were missing? And now that she had broken her engagement, Stuart would have even more reason to be suspicious of her.
For a fleeting moment, she considered going to the viscount with all she knew. Surely he would want justice for his wife’s murder, even if it meant finding out his son was responsible. But by doing so, she would make herself even more of a target. She doubted Stuart knew with any certainty that she was convinced he was a murderer. But if she went to his father she would remove any doubt. And there was the chance that the viscount would want to avoid the inevitable scandal such a disclosure would involve.