by Maya Banks
Merrick eased down on the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms, rocking her carefully back and forth.
“It’ll come, baby. Don’t rush. When you’re ready, it’ll come. When you’re able to cope with the knowledge of what happened to you, then you’ll remember. Until then, your mind is protecting you from what it believes you aren’t ready to deal with.”
She nodded mechanically and then buried her face in his chest. He pressed his mouth to her hair, inhaling her scent. Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath and tried to still her quivering body.
He wanted to absorb the fear and darkness that invaded her soul. Take it from her so she never suffered again.
Damn it, but every time it seemed they were making progress, her past reared its ugly head. It wasn’t that he and Cade had discounted her past. Or that they were stupid enough to think it would never matter.
But the selfish part of him wanted to make damn sure she was tied to him and Cade, emotionally and legally, before they dealt with whatever ghosts haunted Elle.
It made him sound like a manipulative asshole. No better than the bastard who’d abused her trust and hurt her physically and emotionally.
He curled his hand into a fist. Fuck that. He loved her. He wanted only the best for her. He knew damn well that Cade felt the exact same way. They wanted to be there for her every step of the way. Even if it meant the end result was having to give her up.
It sure as hell wouldn’t be without a fight. But there was a small part of him, his deepest, most dreaded fear, that she could already belong to someone else. That one morning she’d wake up, remember her old life and realize she was in love with someone else. That she’d leave him and Cade and return to the life she’d once lived.
But he also knew that part of loving her was wanting her to be happy. It would gut him to have to let her go, but could he honestly ever try to manipulate her emotionally in order to make her stay?
Hell no.
Someone in her past had hurt her. Had betrayed her trust and made her the wounded, fragile woman they’d discovered in the gun shop so many months ago.
If Merrick had his way, that man would never have another chance to hurt Elle. He hoped like hell that Elle hadn’t been in love with the bastard who’d raped and then tried to kill her.
All evidence pointed to a dirty cop, which meant that they couldn’t just barge ahead and do a wide-open search for her identity or her past.
“Merrick, ease up, man,” Cade said in a low voice.
Merrick looked down, realizing how tightly he was holding Elle and how fierce his expression must be. Rage had clouded his mind. And gut-wrenching fear of losing Elle.
“Go for your run,” Cade said. “I’ll take care of Elle. Go clear your head. You’ve got to get back into your routine.”
Elle stirred in his arms and pulled her dark head away, her eyes finally reflecting calm…and determination that had been lacking moments earlier. It was as if she’d pulled out of the fog of sleep and was now fully aware and in the present.
“Go,” she said softly. “I’m okay. You’ve got to do this, Merrick. It’s too important to let go of. You—we—can’t let what happened ruin this opportunity. You’re at the top of your game. This may be the only title shot you get. You’ve worked too long and too hard to let it slip through your fingers at this stage.”
He stared between Cade and Elle for a long moment as he carefully considered his words. It was a matter he’d given a lot of consideration to over the last few days.
“Sometimes goals and ambitions change,” he said. “Sometimes what you want in one stage of your life isn’t what you want—or need—in the next stage. And sometimes your heart lies in other areas.”
Cade frowned. Elle’s lips pursed, and her eyes narrowed in puzzlement.
“You’re not saying that this is no longer what you want, are you?” Cade demanded. “You’d honestly give up before you ever take a shot at the title?”
Merrick didn’t respond right away. In no way did he want it thought that he was rendering snap judgments.
“I’m not saying anything other than things change,” Merrick said calmly.
Elle slid to her knees in front of him. She took his hands in hers and cradled them to her chest. Her gaze found his, and her eyes burned with sincerity. And worry.
“Please don’t do this because of me,” she choked out. “I know how much you want this, Merrick. You’ve eaten, slept and lived this ever since I came here. I’ve watched you train tirelessly. I’ve seen you spar with some of the best. I’ve witnessed a remarkable change in you as you’ve become more centered and focused. Everyone in your camp believes that this is your time. That this is the fight where you take it all. I believe this is your time,” she added softly.
He slipped his hand over her jaw, cupping her cheek and caressing the silky lines of her face.
“What I care most about is you. Not a title. Not validation or recognition. I love you, and I want what’s best for us. Not me. Us.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “You can have us both, Merrick. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Cade and I stand behind you, and we believe in you.”
She glanced up at Cade and then returned her gaze to Merrick. He sensed her hesitation, and then her chin jutted out, and she pressed her lips together in a firm, determined line as if she’d grasped the courage to say what she wanted.
“If Cade and I took over most of the office stuff, it would leave you free to train. Exclusively, I mean.”
Merrick frowned, and she reached her finger up to hush him by placing it over his lips.
“I know this is yours and Cade’s business. But you have a great opportunity ahead of you. And if you win? You aren’t going to be out monitoring clients’ businesses. You’ll be training. You’ll have endorsements. Your life is going to change.”
His frown deepened, and he glanced at his best friend and the woman they both loved.
“Maybe I don’t want things to change,” he said quietly.
C H A P T E R T W E N T Y - N I N E
“CAN WE TALK?”
Merrick turned from the window where he’d been standing and after a brief hesitation gave a short nod. “Where’s Elle?”
“She’s in the shower, so let’s make this quick.”
Cade shoved his hands into his pockets and exhaled deeply. “Look, I get it. The thing with the fight and training. And Elle. I do. But I think you’re making a mistake, and I’d hate to see you make a decision you later regret.”
Merrick’s lips twisted, and he remained silent and brooding. Typical Merrick. Especially when he had something on his mind.
For a long moment, neither man spoke, and Cade was content to let Merrick stew until he finally broke and talked about it.
“I’m too old for a career in mixed martial arts, and we both know it,” Merrick finally said.
Cade lifted one brow. “That was the last thing I expected you to come up with. Is that the best you can do?”
Merrick glared at him, his jaw twitching as he grew more pissed off. Hell, the way this conversation was going, they’d likely end up on the floor.
“You can’t quit now,” Cade said mildly. “I can think of a lot of reasons why you shouldn’t, but I’ll give you the most important one. Elle.”
“She’s precisely why I’d consider hanging it up,” Merrick said, frustration edging his voice. “She’s the only reason I’d give it up.”
“And how do you think it’ll make her feel to know you gave up a title fight for the heavyweight championship? For her. Think about what this does to our relationship. And then think about how sensitive she is about being a burden. Of intruding on our lives. Of our lives changing too much because of her. She worries that she’s too much trouble all the damn time. And you’re sending her confirmation of that paranoia by being a dumbass and giving up something you’ve worked your ass off for over the last few years.”
Merrick frowned. He started to open his
mouth and then snapped it shut.
“Hell,” he finally muttered.
“Elle wants to contribute,” Cade said, pushing his point when he knew he’d just scored a major hit. “She wants to feel like she’s part of everything we do. So let her be involved in your training. Hell, she’s watched you in the gym for months. She nags you about eating right. She wants to take over more of the business so you can train. And for the eventuality of you winning. She believes you’re going to win, and she knows that when you do, things will change for you.”
Merrick’s brow furrowed, and he stared hard at Cade. “You don’t think she worries that I’ll dump her or lose my shit and become a different person if I win the title, do you?”
“No, I don’t believe she thinks that at all. I’m not saying that worry won’t come later, but I think all she’s focused on is you getting to the top and making sure she doesn’t interfere in your path to success.”
“Goddamn it.”
The heartfelt expletive blew out forcefully, and he curled his hands into tight fists.
“She’s changed me, man. She’s made me see what’s important. She’s not interfering with anything. What she’s doing is showing me that what I have right now in front of me is pretty damn good and that I don’t need to be off chasing a dream to be happy.”
Cade nodded. “I understand. But what happens if you give it all up and you’re left with a whole pile of what-ifs? What if you’d taken your shot and what if you’d won? What if you became a world champion in your thirties? It’s not as if there haven’t been a lot of other great fighters who mixed it up well into their thirties. Chuck Lidell and Randy Couture to name a few.”
“I guess I’m just scared,” Merrick admitted. “I don’t want to lose her. You and I both know the closer we get to this fight, the more focused on it I’ll become. To the exclusion of all else. I’ll be training hard, and my focus will change. I don’t want her to ever think that she’s not the most important thing to me.”
“I think you have to give her more credit than that,” Cade said. “You have to trust her.”
Merrick blinked as if the idea was ridiculous. “Of course I trust her.”
“Then show her. Go hard at this. We’ll work it out between the three of us. You know I’ll be with her the entire time you’re training, and you also know that I’m not going to be making a move to push you out of the picture. She won’t be alone, and she won’t be unprotected. And when you need her, she’ll be right there waiting.”
Finally Merrick nodded his head. He sucked in a deep breath and leveled a stare at Cade. “You’re right. I need to go hard at this. I won’t get another shot. I need to see where this is going to take me. I’ve worked too hard to climb up the ranks to be next in line for a title fight to quit now.”
Cade held up his fist. “Then what do you say we shut the fuck up and get to work?”
Merrick bumped his fist to Cade’s and cracked a grin. “I’m always in need of a sparring partner.”
“Fuck you,” Cade said rudely. “I’m not going to be your punching bag. That’s what those other dumbasses are for.”
Merrick grinned. “I’ll make the call to Dakota and let him know I’m back in and we’re going to go hard to make up for lost time.”
C H A P T E R T H I R T Y
“GO HARD AT HIM!” DAKOTA shouted from the corner. “Come on, Merrick, you aren’t concentrating.”
Elle watched from the far side of the room, her brow furrowing as Dakota slapped his towel down onto the mat. She knew Dakota loved Merrick. They’d been friends for a long time. Nearly as long as Cade and Merrick. But he always got so worked up. It made her cringe because everything was always an emergency, and nothing Merrick ever did seemed to be good enough.
Maybe that was the way of it in the fighting world, but Elle hated it.
“If this was a real fight, he would have wiped the mat with you, and he’s in a different weight class, for Christ’s sake,” Dakota said in disgust.
Merrick turned his head just enough that he could look at her. Their gazes connected and held, and she held up her thumb in a ridiculously silly manner, but it was all she could think to do to let him know she believed in him.
His lips quirked up into a smile just about the time his sparring partner hit him. She flinched as Merrick reeled back and then focused his attention back in the ring.
Dakota’s face drew into a scowl, and he looked directly at Elle, shaking his head. Then he walked around the ring and took position in front of Elle so Merrick couldn’t see her and she couldn’t see Merrick.
For a moment, Elle sat in stunned silence. Dakota was blaming her for whatever he perceived as Merrick’s problem today? She’d been going to his training sessions since the very start. Merrick had missed several days after the fire. What did Dakota expect on his first day back? Perfection?
But then, really, would anything ever be good enough for Dakota?
When two of the other fighters who were standing ringside also turned to look at her, her cheeks burned, and she fidgeted self-consciously in her chair.
Was she a distraction? Should she have stayed at home? She just wanted Merrick to know he had her support.
A few minutes later, Merrick left the ring to go into the locker room, and Dakota immediately stalked in her direction. He tossed Merrick’s keys onto her lap, startling her as she scrambled to catch them before they fell off and hit the floor.
Dakota looked pissed off—and determined.
“Look, why don’t you head home for the day. I’ll bring Merrick home when we’re done. His concentration is shot to hell, and I need his head in the game before he gets himself hurt. With a month left before this fight, an injury could be devastating.”
She stared at him and then glanced down at the keys in her hand. The hostility in Dakota’s voice made her uncomfortable. What was she supposed to do? The last thing she wanted was to make a scene and wreck Merrick’s training session.
Without saying a word or giving Dakota the satisfaction of seeing how nervous he made her, she simply got up and walked away, her fingers curled tightly around those keys.
The sunlight nearly blinded her as she came from the much darker gym. She blinked, thinking she saw someone close to Merrick’s Hummer, but when her eyes adjusted, she didn’t see anything.
She climbed into the vehicle and turned the key in the ignition. It was another beautiful day with a crispness to the air that was welcome. She punched the button to open the sunroof and then contemplated her options.
Cade was in a meeting with clients, and Charlie was meeting with the insurance adjuster to get the check for the damage to the office building. She could either go sit in the newly appropriated, cramped office space, or she could go home to an empty house.
Either place she’d be alone, so she figured it was more welcome to just head home. She’d make lunch and wait for Merrick to finish and get home. And hopefully Dakota would just drop Merrick off and not stay.
Dakota had become testier and testier as it drew closer to the fight. Catherine had confided in Elle that Dakota was intense and that he didn’t mean anything by it but he took his role very seriously, and she admitted that he became unbearable even to her when it got down to the last weeks before a major fight.
Catherine, at least, had remained as sweet and supportive as she always had. But lately, Elle had felt like an intruder when she went to Merrick’s sessions with him. Even the other fighters looked at her like she didn’t belong.
Maybe she was being overly sensitive, but she hated the way she’d been made to feel today. She was embarrassed to have been kicked out of the gym like an unwanted nuisance.
She pulled into the drive of the house and sat there a moment before turning off the engine. She left the path into the garage open because the Hummer didn’t fit and it was where Cade parked his slightly smaller SUV.
She got out, fiddling with the keys to find the right one for the door and walked through the ope
n garage toward the kitchen door.
Just as she started to insert the key into the lock, an arm slid around her neck and yanked her back against a hard chest. The grip on her neck was so firm she couldn’t breathe, and before she could scream, a hand clamped down hard over her mouth.
She began to kick wildly as she was dragged backward against the wall. Pain shocked her into silence when her attacker punched her in the side.
“Shut the fuck up and listen to me,” the man hissed in her ear. “I have a message for your boys, and I want you to deliver it word for word. You got me?”
She nodded, her head spinning from lack of oxygen and the pain in her side. His hand slid intimately up her body, lingering over her belly and then moving underneath her breast.
She began to struggle again, refusing to allow this son of a bitch to molest her in her own garage.
Her head flew back when he grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked. Tears sprang to her eyes as her neck craned at an impossible angle. With his free hand, he punched her again, and she nearly blacked out.
Dragging her limp body back up his, he forced his mouth close to her ear.
“You tell your boys that they fucked with the wrong person. If they don’t drop the charges, I’ll be back, and I’ll fuck you up so they can’t even recognize you. You understand?”
“Y-yes,” she gasped out.
He jerked her around and then backhanded her, snapping her head back. She tasted blood, and this time when she staggered, he let her go down.
She fell in a heap on the garage floor, trying desperately to squeeze air into her lungs. Her side was hurting so badly that she worried he’d broken her ribs.
The one word that echoed over and over in her mind was no. No! This couldn’t happen to her again.
Images flashed in her mind. The memory of being pushed roughly to the ground. Her face pressed into the dirt. The shock and…betrayal.
Betrayal.
She’d known her attacker.