by t. h. snyder
I look over at Derrick and the expression on his face is like nothing I’ve seen before.
“Chloe, this is amazing. You did this for us? How did you do this? I mean wow!” He says looking around the inside of the tent.
“Well actually I had a lot of help, but yeah this is all for us. I wanted tonight to be special for us. We have a lot to celebrate Derrick.”
He looks at me and smiles. I love his smile. In fact I love everything about this man.
“Let’s take a seat and eat. I know it’s late, but I’m sure you’re hungry.”
“I’m starving.”
We sit down and he takes the dome lids off our dinner plates. It’s so late and I’m starved from not eating all day. Now that we’re here, my nerves are a bit more at ease and feel like I could eat everything on my plate.
Dinner is absolutely amazing and we both clear our plates. I see Derrick glance around the room and I can hear our song start to play. He gets up from the table and extends his hand out to me.
“My I have this dance?” He asks.
“Of course, I was hoping you would ask.” I reply with a flirtatious wink.
He walks me over to the small wooden dance floor area and swings me around into his arms. As we dance to our song, Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat, I envision what it will be like to dance with him to this song on our wedding day. He pulls me in closer to his warm body so that I can feel his heart beating against mine. This night is absolutely perfect and there’s just one more thing I need to do.
I pull away from him just enough so that I can look into his eyes again.
“You’re so good to me.” I tell him and kiss his lips ever so softly. “I love you so much Derrick. No matter what we’ve been through we always make it work. You make us work. I love you.”
“I love you too Chloe.”
“Derrick you’re the one constant thing in my life. Through everything we’ve been through the past nine years you always knew we would make it work. I don’t know that I could be where I am without you. I thank god everyday that you stuck with me. You really are my world.”
I hear the song start to play and my hands start to shake. With the melody of Marry Me by Train playing through the speakers I take Derrick’s hands in mine.
“Derrick I can’t tell you enough how special you are to me, or how much I love you. For the past nine years you’ve been my soul mate, the one I find peace with. You’re my forever Derrick and today is just the beginning of great things to come for us. Without you in my life things would be empty. You honestly make me who I am. I’m a better woman now because of you. I don’t want to spend another day of my life without you by my side. I know what I’m about to do is not the customary thing to do, but for us I feel it’s perfect.”
I take a step back from him and get down on one knee. I look up at his tall frame and a smile crosses his face. He steps back and kneels down in front of me. Our hands are interlocked and he kisses me on the lips.
“I love you with all that I am Derrick Mason Peters, will you marry me?”
He looks at me, the smile never falling from his face.
“Chloe you make me the happiest I’ve ever been. Without you, I feel like a huge part of my life is missing something. I would love to marry you, but we need to do this the right way.”
He helps me stand so that we’re still facing one another.
A gasp escapes me as he reaches into his pocket and kneels back down in front of me.
“Chloe, I’ve carried this around with me since the day you moved back into our home. I’ve known my entire life that you would be my wife. I kept waiting for the perfect moment to ask you to marry me and I think I’ve found it.”
The tears begin to fall from my cheeks and I bend down to kiss him.
“Chloe will you marry me, be my soul mate for eternity and always stay by my side?”
I nod my head up and down a million times while shouting yes.
Derrick stands and pulls me into him.
“I want to hear you say it Angel.”
I smile at him and say, “Of course I’ll marry you Derrick, you’re it for me and we’re going to have a beautiful future together. I’ve been touched by you.”
A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk featuring Nate Ruess
Need You Know by Lady Antebellum
U Got It Bad by Usher
Heaven Sent by Keisha Cole
True Love by P!nk featuring Lily Allen
Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw
Marry Me by Train
Talking To The Moon by Bruno Mars
Lucky by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat
After ten years of marriage, I can’t believe things are happening the way they are between us. When we said our vows all those years ago, I imagined it would be forever. I never thought I’d be in the situation I am right now.
I sit here staring out the huge bay window in our living room. This is our home; the place we built for us and our future family.
Who would’ve ever known we would eventually fall apart, become broken and the dreams of that perfect family would never really happen?
I sink into the soft brown leather couch that faces the front yard and think of when we first found this lot of land—the visions I had of our perfect life. Now looking back, I realize how stupid and naïve I really was to think it would all work out as planned.
I wonder if other married women have felt the way I’m feeling right now.
It’s not deceit. I’ve never been disloyal to my husband. He’s the one who’s been leading a life of lies.
I shake my head at the thought of it and close my eyes.
Years of hurt and pain fly through my mind and I wish I could take back some of the things I’ve done or said to those that were closest to me.
I honestly can’t say that it’s entirely his fault though; I’ve been leading a life of lies as well.
I’ve been hiding from reality.
I wanted things to appear perfect on the outside, but that’s only because I had to be the perfect wife.
Opening my eyes, I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade.
I see his truck pull up the bottom of the driveway and exhale the breath in my lungs I must’ve been holding.
Is it wrong for me to hate that he’s home?
Does it make me a bad wife that I’m beginning to feel sick?
Will others judge me when they find out the truth behind the lies we’ve been keeping?
I stand up from my couch and grasp my hands together as I walk toward the kitchen.
I get myself into a cluster fuck of emotion every time I know he’s going to be near me. It affects me so greatly that my nerves are a jumbled mess.
Once I confront him, if I choose to go through with it, everything will be different. I’m not sure if it will explode in my face or if it will be the closure we need to go our separate ways. I do know that something needs to happen. Now. I have to tell him that I know what he’s been doing this whole time.
I can’t let him continue to torture me the way he has for the past few weeks… months….wait, no, years.
No matter how hard it will be, I have to stand up for me, my family and my future.
I deserve better.
I want to be happy again.
I’m worth so much more than the life he’s taken away from me.
I’m nervous as hell as Keith and I walk toward the doctor’s office.
He lets go of my hand for a brief second as he opens the tall oak door. As soon as we walk through, he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close to his side. I know he can feel the anxiety coursing through me and I hate that I’ve been so miserable around him the past few weeks.
We’ve been trying for years to have a baby and this is the last and final attempt to make it happen.
I’m tired; no, I’m exhausted from all of the fertility treatments. Between the shots, abstaining from just
about everything and the stress that this is my fault I could use some good news.
I’ve always been a firm believer in the saying that everything happens for a reason. I’m beginning to think that there’s a reason we were not meant to get pregnant. As much as it kills me inside to think the results may be negative, I’m done trying and putting myself through this heartache.
I’ve become obsessed with us having a baby and it’s taken a toll on my marriage, my social life and I hate the emotional mess I’ve become.
Keith guides me up to the check-in window and we wait for the receptionist to acknowledge us.
A short female walks toward the giant glass window and slides it open. She has a huge smile forming on her bright red lips as she chomps down on her mouth full of gum.
This is so not how I need to start the day.
“Hiya,” she says.
I can feel Keith tense against the side of me and I can guarantee he’s just as annoyed as I am.
“Good morning, Emma McIntyre for my nine o’clock appointment with Dr. Chesterfield.”
“Ahh yeah, I see your name right here. I’m just here as a temp today and really have no clue what I’m doing.”
Keith lets out a grunt and says, “Yeah, we can see that.”
“It’s fine,” I reply.
I move away from Keith just a smidge and reach into my purse to pull out my wallet.
“Here’s my insurance card and license. They always take it and make a copy for their records.”
The temp continues to chomp down on her gum and reaches for the cards.
With a giggle she says, “Ah yeah, that makes sense. Dorothy is in the back and I’ll see what she wants me to do with these. Go ahead and take a seat, I’ll be sure to get these back to you before you leave.”
“Great, thanks,” I say as Keith turns and leads me over to the waiting area.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Keith asks.
“Just relax, I don’t need any added aggravation right now,” I tell him as we take our seats.
“You and me both.”
For the next few moments we sit in silence as more patients begin to enter the office. My stomach is in knots and I just want to get in there and find out whether we’ll be parents or not.
I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes. Letting out a heavy sigh, Keith grabs onto my hand and intertwines our fingers.
“It’ll be okay, Em.”
“How do you know it will be okay, Keith? We’ve been struggling to have a baby for too long. If we’re not pregnant this time around, I’m done.”
He turns in his chair and faces me. Pulling both my hands into his lap, he looks at me in a way I’ve never seen before. I’m not quite sure what to say or how to feel right now.
“Emma McIntyre.”
I look up and see Dorothy standing in the doorway.
She has the same cheerful look on her face as she always does.
I return a forced smile in her direction and move to stand.
This is it; I’ll either leave this office as a mother or a woman that will be changed forever. Either way, life as I now know it will be different.
Keith follows close behind me as we walk through the hallway and into an exam room.
“Mrs. McIntyre, I’ll need you to change into this gown and remember the opening faces forward like a robe. I’ll be back in a few minutes to check your vitals and then Dr. Chesterfield will be in to see you.”
The nurse exits the room, and even though Keith is in here with me, I suddenly feel alone.
Keith pulls the curtain around us so that I’m shielded from the door.
I slowly start to remove my clothes and I watch as Keith takes a seat in the far corner of the room. He’s just staring off into space, and as much as I need to know what he’s thinking, I don’t bother to ask.
After pulling on the gown, I take a seat on the table and pull the white sheet up over my legs. My nerves are causing my stomach to ache and I feel a bit dizzy. The fear of what is about to happen is killing me. What’s going to happen to us if this last in vitro doesn’t work? What if we can’t make it through this? The sleepless nights and the stress that has been eating at me has almost become too much to bear. I don’t know if I can emotionally pull myself together after hearing the same bad news again.
A knock sounds at the door and I call, “Come in.”
The door opens and the curtain is slightly pulled to the side.
“I see you’re all set in here. Let’s go ahead and get some vitals.”
The nurse pulls out a stethoscope and blood pressure cuff. I can only imagine how high the reading will be since I’m a jumbled mess right now.
“Just relax, Mrs. McIntyre. Okay, good, your blood pressure is one seventeen over eighty two, its good. I just need to get your temperature and then I’ll need a urine sample.”
I nod my head in her direction as she sticks the thermal scan device into my ear.
After my temperature is taken, she tidies up her equipment and places a cup on the counter.
“You can use the restroom in here and leave the sample on the sink.”
She gives me a smile and touches my shoulder in a caring gesture. I can guarantee this isn’t the easiest job for her, either. The fate of her patients is something she can’t control, but she’s still trying her best to calm me.
As she moves to exit the room, she pulls the curtain over and I hear the door shut. I look over to Keith and see that he’s still staring into the wall.
I grab the cup from the counter and say, “I’ll be right back,” as I walk to the restroom.
In the restroom I stand for a bit looking into the mirror.
My long dark hair is pulled into a pony tail and a red rim surrounds my hazel eyes. The color of my face is drawn out and I look pale and tired.
Well, it’s now or never.
I attempt to remove the lid on the cup, but my hands are trembling. After three times of going through this you’d think I was a pro, but no, I’m still a nervous wreck.
After a bit of a struggle, I’m able to remove the lid and pee in the cup. Before leaving the restroom I seal my fate and wash my hands.
I’m so scared. Not just to find out the results, but not knowing what will happen once my husband and I leave this office.
Walking out of the restroom, I’m met with Keith face to face.
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Nothing’s wrong, Em; I’m just a bit antsy and needed to stand.”
“Oh, okay.”
I don’t like the feeling I’m getting from him. He seems so distant and I don’t know what to make of it.
A knocking sound pulls my focus to the door and I call for whomever it is to come in as I climb back onto the table and Keith takes his place against the wall.
Dr. Chesterfield and the nurse both enter and he approaches me to shake my hand.
He’s an older gentleman with the heart of a saint, salt and pepper hair and eyes the color of dark chocolate.
“Good morning, Emma, it’s so nice to see you again today.”
“Morning. Thanks, you too,” I reply.
“The purpose of your visit today is to determine if your in vitro was successful. Do you have any questions or concerns for me before we proceed?” He looks between both Keith and I.
I shake my head no. I just want to get this over with and find out whether or not I’m pregnant.
“Why don’t we start off with an exam and I’ll have Dorothy go ahead with the urine sample.”
I watch as the nurse moves toward the restroom for my sample. When she exits with the cup, my heart falls straight to the floor. She’s walking away with all the answers I need to know right now. The concern I feel for the next time I’ll look into her eyes is eating me alive.
“Mrs. McIntyre, please lie down and place each foot into a stir-up.”
I do as he instructs me and just stare up at the ceiling throughout the entire exam. I need
Keith here by my side not sitting in the fucking corner. I don’t know what he’s doing, or hell, even what he’s thinking right now.
For the next few moments I lie on the table feeling numb. I understand this is all part of the visit, but I don’t know why we couldn’t just find out the results first.
“You can go ahead and sit up. I’ll leave so that you can get dressed. Dorothy will come back in to get you and bring you into my office. We can discuss the results of the urinalysis and decide on what next steps are best for you and your care.”
“Thank you, Dr. Chesterfield, I’ll only be a moment.”
As the doctor leaves the room, I hop down from the table and quickly change back into my clothes. I really can’t wait another minute to find out; it’s seriously driving me insane.
I fold up the gown and sheet and place them back on the table.
Without saying a word, I move toward Keith and wrap my arms around his waist.
“I know this is hard on both of us. I need your support now. I need to know that you’re in this with me no matter what happens in the next few minutes.”
He pulls me into a closer embrace and rests his chin on top of my head.
“Emma, I’ve been by your side for what feels like forever. No matter what we’re about to find out, things will be different. I’m not saying they’ll be bad, just different.”
A lump forms in my throat and I have no clue how to interpret what he’s just said to me.
“Come on, they’re waiting on us,” he says and takes my hand in his and we leave the exam room.
Dorothy is waiting for us as we walk through the door and leads us to the other end of the hallway and into Dr. Chesterfield’s office. He’s already sitting behind his desk and stands as we enter the room.
“Thank you, Dorothy. Mr. and Mrs. McIntyre, please take a seat.”
My legs begin to tremble as I walk toward the desk. Keith gestures for me to take a seat and he moves to sit next to me.