Margaret sucked in her breath, staring at him in shock. He thought she’d . . .
Dear lord! What was bothering him was the same thing that she’d been trying to force from her mind. Maybe he was right: some secrets could only hurt.
But he was wrong about her. “I learned from Fin.”
“What?” he exploded. “Why did you not tell me? God’s breath, I’ll kill him—brother by marriage or not.”
She grabbed him by the arm before he could leap off the bed. “I simply meant that he told me you enjoyed that. He asked me if that’s how I persuaded you to marry me.” He eased back—marginally. “I’ve never done that to another man, Eoin.”
He held her gaze for a long moment. She could see some of the anger waning. “I let you think I was dead. You were a free woman. You do not owe me any explanations.”
“Perhaps not, but you shall have one. Unlike my first marriage, I was waiting until I was actually married to share a bed with my second husband. Had you arrived one day later I may not have been able to say this, but there is only one man I have ever been intimate with, and that is you.”
His eyes held hers searchingly. “You don’t need to tell me this. It would not change anything if you had. I would hate it, but I would get over it.”
She understood that too well. “Maybe so, but it’s the truth anyway. My memories of you were too strong. I was almost scared to try. I’d loved you so much.” She smiled sadly. “It was different for you. You hated me.”
He frowned, and then seeming to understand what she meant shook his head wryly. “Not all that different. Besides, unlike you, I knew we were still married.”
Margaret didn’t understand. “But you broke your vows anyway?”
“I was trying to tell you that I didn’t.”
“But you must have!” she blurted.
He looked at her as if she were crazed. “Why?”
“Because . . .” She could feel her cheeks flush. “Because you’re so different.”
At first he didn’t seem to understand what she meant, but then he smiled. “I had a lot of practice.”
Her heart sank, as the color washed from her face. “I thought you said—”
“Not that kind of practice. The kind of practice I taught you.” Suddenly, she understood: he’d thought of her while touching himself. “I thought of how I wanted to touch you—where I wanted to touch you—in vivid detail. I practiced with you over and over for six years.”
Her breath held, not daring to hope. “You never . . . with another woman?”
He shrugged, almost as if he were ashamed to admit it. “I wanted to. I hated you, and it infuriated me that I still wanted you. I tried—once. But it didn’t get very far.”
Margaret didn’t know what to say. She was surprised—stunned—and undeniably relieved. She’d been willing to accept what she must, but she was glad she didn’t have to. “I’m glad.”
He shot her a glare. “It was humiliating.”
“You don’t expect me to feel sorry for you?”
His mouth twisted. “Under the circumstances, maybe not.”
“Do you have any other secrets you want to confide in me?” She said it jestingly, but his face drew up in the blank mask she hated. The mask that shut her out.
He’s hiding something.
“Like what?”
Her gaze fell to his arm, where she could just make out a dark shadow under the thin linen. “Like what you are hiding under that shirt, and why you won’t let me see you without it in the light?”
He swore under his breath and raked his fingers back through his hair. “It’s nothing.”
“Then why won’t you let me see it?”
He didn’t answer her directly. Was he embarrassed? Was that what this was about?
“It’s just something I did awhile back. It’s a marking.”
Her brows drew together. “You mean a tattoo?”
He nodded. “It was something some friends of mine did.”
Was it some young man’s lark? Something he now wished he hadn’t done? Good lord, what did he have tattooed on himself? Her mind filled with all kinds of silly possibilities.
“May I see it?”
He drew off his shirt and she gasped—not even looking at the tattoo. Good gracious. Seeing him in the shadows was nothing like seeing him in the light. Her eyes gorged on the impressive display of bulging muscle before her. He was so big. Strong.
His chest . . .
His arms . . .
God in heaven, he was beautiful. She wanted to run her hands over every inch of those sculpted muscles, she wanted to—
He cleared his throat, clearly amused, reminding her of what she was supposed to be doing. Not that looking at his arm was any hardship. He’d bent his arm to show it to her, and the flex of muscle made her breath quicken and her body warm with unmistakable arousal.
Truth be told she barely noticed the lion rampant and strange weblike markings that surrounded his upper arm like a cuff. She did, however, notice the same words that were engraved on his sword—Opugnate acriter—since they were right on the edge of the biggest bulge of muscle, the sharp demarcations of which had her quite fascinated.
“Keep looking at me like that, sweetheart, and Eachann is going to get a very different kind of education when he walks in here in a few minutes.”
She blushed. “What do the words mean?”
“It’s Latin. The rough translation is strike with force.”
She thought for a moment. “It’s what you do on the battlefield.”
He seemed surprised. “In a manner of speaking.” He bent over to kiss the top of her nose. “Now, if your curiosity is appeased for the moment, I should go.” He stood and reached for his sporran. “Will you hand me that?”
She picked it up, feeling some kind of small, hard object inside. “What do you have in here?”
“Nothing.” He tried to snatch it from her, but she was already pulling the object out.
Realizing what it was, she held it in the palm of her hand and stared at it in disbelief.
“Bloody hell, Maggie. Can’t you follow any of my rules? I told you no snooping.”
She ignored the reference to his ridiculous rules (he couldn’t honestly have thought she would really follow them), feeling her chest swell with emotion as she took in the chess piece that she’d stolen all those years ago from Stirling Castle.
“You kept it.” Her eyes met his. “All this time you kept it.”
He may have hated her, but he’d loved her, too. He’d kept a part of her—a symbol of their love—with him always.
He grumbled something, clearly embarrassed by the sentimentality, and then, as if in acceptance, shrugged and dug something else out of the sporran. “And this. I read it every time I went into battle.”
She recognized the wrinkled parchment right away as the note she’d left him. Glancing at the crude writing and misspelled words, it was her turn to be embarrassed. “You should have thrown that away.” She tried to laugh it off. “Or perhaps it was a reminder of the ignorant girl you mistakenly married and how fortunate you were to be rid of her.”
His reaction was both instantaneous and fierce. He took her chin in his hand and turned her face to his. “It was a reminder of what a damned fool I was. It was a reminder of the girl who’d loved me so much that she’d withstood rumor, gossip, and innuendo to learn to write and read because she thought it would please me. Because I made her think she wasn’t good enough. But I was wrong, Maggie. You were perfect just the way you were, and I hate that I made you think you needed to change for me. Reading, writing, none of that mattered. It was never what was important.”
She looked away, cringing at the memories. “I was a wild, backward little heathen. I don’t know what you saw in me.”
He forced her gaze back to his. “You were strong and beautiful and funny and outrageous and sensual as sin, and I loved you from practically the first moment I saw you.”
“You
did?”
He nodded. “I’ve never stopped. God knows it would have been easier if I had, but you are in my heart, Maggie, and that is where you will stay.”
“I love you, too.”
He smiled and kissed her so tenderly she just knew that this time it would be different.
25
WITH NEIL holding Tarbert Castle for Bruce and Donald serving as commander of the king’s galleys, their father looked increasingly to his youngest son as his de facto tanaiste. As soon as Eoin arrived at Gylen he was beset by a multitude of problems that needed his attention, including the biggest one, John of Lorn, now Chief of MacDougall and would-be Lord of Argyll, who sure as the devil who spawned him was stirring up trouble again.
Eoin was sure he wasn’t the only one wishing Arthur Campbell hadn’t let Lorn go after the Battle of Brander four and a half years ago. Campbell—or Ranger as he was known among his fellow Guardsmen—had fallen in love with Lorn’s daughter and let him flee into exile for her. Eoin could understand the conflict perhaps better than anyone (having hoped to see his own wife’s father on the edge of his sword more than once), but Campbell’s show of mercy had been punished many times over the past few years. If Bruce caught him again, Lorn wouldn’t get a second chance.
“How can you be sure it was him?” Fin asked the fisherman who’d come to them with the latest report. “Did they identify themselves?”
Eoin tried not to grind his teeth when his foster brother spoke but failed. For the sake of his sister, Eoin had attempted to forgive Fin for what he’d done to Margaret—he’d seemed so damned remorseful and sincere in his apologies—but Margaret’s latest revelations had reignited his anger. Eoin wanted to kill him all over again, not just for touching her, but for speaking to her so crudely. He’d been having a hell of a time keeping his temper in check all morning while they gathered in the laird’s solar with the other members of his father’s meinie.
“I know it was ’im,” the old man said stubbornly, not letting Fin intimidate him—which given the henchman’s size was an impressive show of courage. Fin had added considerable bulk—most of it muscle—to his tall frame and had become the chief’s mostly deadly swordsman. “I recognized one of the men who took my catch.”
“I thought you said they were all wearing helms,” Fin said sharply, obviously trying to catch the man in a lie.
“They were, but he had a scar.” The fisherman drew a long line down his cheek and across his nose. “I could see it when he lifted his visor as they sailed away.”
Eoin gave Fin a sharp look and asked the man a few more questions before thanking him and sending him on his way.
Though a number of his father’s meinie, including Fin, thought they should wait for more “proof” than the recollections of an old fisherman, positing that the men were probably just Irish cateran, Eoin’s father insisted on sending word to Bruce. If Lorn’s men had been sighted this far north—so close to his former stronghold of Dunstaffnage—the king would want to know. When it was further decided that someone should go to Dunstaffnage Castle to see if the keeper had heard anything, his father looked relieved when Eoin volunteered.
His father was the only one at the table who knew that the keeper of the former MacDougall stronghold—Arthur Campbell—was one of Eoin’s brethren in the Highland Guard. Together Eoin and Campbell would be able to deal with any threat from the man who’d once been the most powerful in the “Kingdom” of the Isles.
The meeting broke up and the warriors left to attend to their duties. Having offered to pen the note to Bruce, Eoin didn’t notice that one had stayed behind until he spoke.
“I’ll go with you,” Fin said.
Eoin looked up, his expression a hard mask. “That won’t be necessary.”
“But what about your knee?”
“I’m taking a skiff, not running. Besides, it’s almost healed.”
“Does that mean you’ll be picking up a sword again soon?” Fin said with a grin. “I’ve been waiting for our rematch.”
Eoin gripped the quill until his fingertips turned white. Fin’s “everything is fine” attitude grated on his already stretched-to-the-breaking-point temper.
“You will have it,” Eoin promised darkly. Last time he’d held back, but this time he’d grind his friend into the dirt.
“What the hell is the matter with you? Does this have something to do with your wife? I’ve stayed away from her as you asked. I thought we were past this. I told you I was sorry. I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“How about what you were saying?” Eoin snapped. But seeing Fin’s confusion and realizing Margaret wouldn’t want him talking about this, he shook his head. “Just leave it.”
Fin stood there a minute staring at him. “I would, but I don’t think you can. I don’t understand it. After what she did, how can you forgive her? How can you bring her back here when she betrayed you?”
Eoin’s teeth were grinding again. He knew Fin was only voicing what many others were thinking. It had taken Eoin a few days to notice the subtle coldness toward his wife by some of his clansmen. Highlanders had long memories and would not soon forget that she was a MacDowell and that she’d left him. And like Fin, a number of his father’s meinie knew that she’d betrayed him at Loch Ryan.
“The same could be said of you, and yet here you are.”
She was his wife, damn it. And his best friend had tried to have his way with her.
Fin’s face reddened and something hard flashed in his eyes. “She got her vengeance though, didn’t she? You weren’t here, I nearly lost a bollock because of her.”
“You would have lost them both had I been here.”
Fin stared at him, his jaw clamped tightly as if he were fighting to hold back something. “I told you I was drunk.”
Was that an excuse? Maybe he hadn’t forgiven him as much as he said he had. Eoin drew a deep breath. Though he didn’t owe his foster brother an explanation, he gave him one. “It was more complicated than I realized. Margaret thought she was helping me.”
Fin didn’t hide his disbelief. “So you trust her again?”
Eoin didn’t answer; he didn’t have one. “She’s my wife, and the mother of my son.”
Fin stiffened, although Eoin hadn’t meant it as a dig. Marjory’s recent miscarriage after years of not being able to have a child had been heartbreaking for all of them, but Fin had taken it the hardest. He seemed to take offense if even the word “child” or “babe” was mentioned—as if there was some implied criticism of him.
“So forgive and forget, is that it? Well, have care that the lass doesn’t learn something to betray you again. What are you going to tell her about Campbell?”
Eoin’s eyes narrowed. He knew Fin was curious about his place in Bruce’s army and all the disappearances that he refused to explain, but how much had he guessed? Did he suspect what he and Campbell did or was it just a general question? “What do you mean?”
“Nothing. Just be careful. Her father has probably joined forces with Lorn.”
Apparently it was just a general warning this time. But at others, Eoin could swear that Fin suspected the truth.
Margaret wasn’t the only one hurt by Eoin’s keeping her in the dark. It had affected his friendship with Fin as well. Maybe just as much as Margaret had come between the foster brothers, Eoin’s secret life had as well.
And that was his fault.
Margaret’s words this morning came back to him: “I don’t want there to be any secrets between us . . . It cannot work otherwise.”
Their conversation had troubled him more than he wanted to admit. He knew she was right, but what the hell was he going to do about it? How was he going to continue to keep her in the dark about his place in Bruce’s army? Secrets had torn them apart all those years ago. Were they destined to repeat the same mistakes?
Damn Bruce. How could Eoin get his marriage in order if he couldn’t tell her anything? All the other wives knew what their hus
bands did. Did she not have a right to as well? Could he keep something that was so important to him from her?
As before, he was in an untenable position. The difference was that this time he knew it could not work. He could not leave for weeks and expect her not to ask questions. He couldn’t expect her trust, love, and loyalty and give her nothing in return.
But could he trust her after what had happened? Surprisingly, he wanted to. Looking back, he realized that much like him she’d been in an impossible situation. He’d given her enough information to be dangerous, but not enough to make the right decision. Did he wish that she hadn’t admitted his presence to her friend? Without a doubt. He’d been clear in his instructions, but he couldn’t blame her for doing what she did—her motivations had been pure.
If anyone was to blame, it was him. He’d put her in that impossible position by not telling her what he was doing there. But his damned cousin had given him little choice.
“Let me worry about my wife,” Eoin said, guilt taking some of the edge from his words. Fin had put one wall between their friendship, but Eoin had put the other. “Besides, she doesn’t exactly have a way of contacting her father—if she even knew where he was.”
Before Fin could reply, Eoin glanced to the doorway and saw Eachann watching them. How long had he been standing there?
“I’m sorry,” the boy said. “The chief”—he’d thus far refused to call him Grandfather—“said the meeting was over. I can come back if you want to play another time.”
Damn it, the game! Eoin had almost forgotten. “Nay,” he said quickly—and probably too eagerly, “We are finished here.”
The missive to Bruce could wait.
Fin nodded to Eoin and then greeted Eachann with a smile and cheerful hello. But Eoin didn’t miss the flash of pain—and something else?—that crossed his face when he first saw the boy standing there.
There was an awkward moment of silence after Fin left, where Eoin tried to figure out what to say. He didn’t want to say anything wrong or come on too strong. The lad was as skittish as a foal where he was concerned.