by Kitty Thomas
“Thanks,” she said, when she looked up and saw the drink.
“I’m going to go pay a visit to the collar guy. I’ll be back in a bit.” He pressed a kiss against her forehead and left her to her thoughts and his questions.
39
Julie watched him leave. She stared at the golden skin of his arms, made darker by the bright white T-shirts he always wore. And that sun-kissed hair that she still somehow wanted to run her fingers through. He was absolutely beautiful in every conceivable way. Her stomach, despite all odds, still did that little flip-and-clench that made her think of a gymnast on a dismount.
The collar guy. They had a guy for that? Julie supposed it made sense. After all, Mina and Annette had very nice collars that looked like they had to have been custom made by someone. She tried to imagine a piece of jewelry like that around her neck and what it would look like. The thought of a collar like that around her throat, signaling to everyone in the house that she belonged to Gabe… well the idea didn’t bother her like she expected it to. Maybe it was the relief she felt knowing that once it was around her neck, Brian would never bother her again. She would be as safe from Brian as Annette was.
Julie wished she could shake her fears and get over the things that had happened to her at Dmitri’s. She wanted nothing more than to be able to have a relationship with Gabe that felt normal. Though the dungeon scared her, the way her body had reacted to the whole thing was definitely odd. And the way she always felt weirdly compelled to obey Gabe whenever he gave out an order… that was also disconcerting.
There were definitely things that made her question if he might be right about her somehow. When she got to the fantasy part of the questionnaire she was grateful she could write it out and not say it out loud. It sounded so silly and embarrassing and stupid and childish writing it out. She couldn’t remember having specific sexual fantasies. Ever, really. And maybe that was repression from being raised in such a religious environment. But the fantasies she did have—though not specifically sexual—did seem to weirdly and frequently revolve around things like kidnapping and pirates and rogue powerful men and other similar themes.
The mental stories themselves were innocent and tame but they always featured a strong and somewhat dangerous man... and her. She was always vulnerable and frightened, but the man always took care of and protected her. It was a weird theme to repeat over and over with no change except for the scenery. She had been raised in total safety. Sheltered. Why would she need to have fantasies like that? Unless the extreme repression of her childhood had pushed down the side of the fantasies that might have come out in her mind in a more open environment where such thoughts weren’t evil and some sign that she was bad.
She added these personal thoughts to her answer. For some reason she wanted Gabe to know this, and for once she didn’t feel embarrassed sharing something so deeply personal with him. Given his proclivities, it felt as though nothing would shock him, and he’d never acted judgmental toward her before now—not when he’d first met her and learned how innocent she was and not after that innocence had been stripped away.
The fantasies had started years and years before Dmitri’s house had ever haunted the hallways of her psyche. The guy that starred in the story was always extremely good looking, and strong, and if she was honest with herself, sort of resembled Gabe—as if she’d been fantasizing about this one specific man years before she would ever meet him. Maybe that was what had caused her to be so immediately taken with him when he’d walked into Dani’s bar for the first time. It was as if he’d stepped right out of her mind and into real life. And she’d wanted him to take care of her.
She tried to remember if the fantasies had ever gotten even subtly sexual. She didn’t think they had. It was all sort of… vague. But in those fantasies she belonged to the mystery guy, that much she knew. She’d been so sheltered up until college that it wasn’t surprising she hadn’t known enough about the mechanics to have specifics. Maybe Gabe was right about what all this meant. It was hard to know what was normal.
Not only did Gabe look like the man from those fantasies, but he acted that way, too. It was just that the fantasy had never gone as far as real life was about to go.
When she forced herself to think about it and not run away from the thought, she did trust him. Once he’d reassured her the previous night that they were just sleeping, she’d found her body molding softly against the hard planes of his. And moments ago when he’d kissed her on the forehead, it had felt domestic and normal and safe.
Her minor rebellions against the inevitability of being in his collar faded away as if they were nothing—surface ego protection and fear. Somehow, the time spent alone reflecting and answering Gabe’s questions made her feel strangely secure in the direction of her life even as she still felt jittery and nervous about the unknown exact details.
But she’d felt jittery and nervous before their first date, too. Wasn’t some level of that normal? She hated that she had to constantly ask herself if this was normal or if that was normal. And what would things be like, how would they be different if she’d been raised more normally or if Dmitri’s house hadn’t shattered everything her family had sheltered her from.
It took nearly two hours to finish the questions. Gabe still wasn’t back yet. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now, but she was hungry. She’d barely eaten breakfast due to anxiety. Now her appetite came roaring back. She took the questionnaire inside and laid it on the bed, then went down to the cafeteria for some lunch.
It was meatloaf today, along with an assortment of vegetable choices and of course some fruit and dessert at the end near the drinks. Phyllis fixed her a plate and she retreated to a far corner table near a window that looked out on the pool.
She was halfway through her meal when Annette joined her with a tray. “Hey, you seem different.”
Julie doubted there was some sign flashing over her now announcing to the world that she’d accepted her new role with Gabe. No doubt rumors had gotten around the house by now and Annette had heard them.
It was easier to play along and give her the information she wanted. If the girls hadn’t talked, maybe Shannon had. After all, if she’d been here for weeks and was just now getting waxed, of course it was for Gabe’s benefit. She’d gotten used to waxing at Dmitri’s, so although it brought back unpleasant thoughts of the house, since it was something the girls had done on their own, it didn’t carry the same trauma as other memories.
“What do you know?” Julie asked. She wasn’t in the mood for a round of he said/she said.
“I heard Brian took you to his dungeon and Gabe got you out of there and then you two have been very sort of… private and ensconced since then.”
No doubt Annette thought Julie and Gabe had been having nonstop kinky sex since that moment since she couldn’t seem to grasp the gravity of Julie’s life before this place.
“He went to the collar guy,” Julie said, still feeling weird about this conversation.
Annette’s eyes seemed to grow to the size of saucers as she leaned forward in her seat. Annette was a bit older than Julie but there was something almost childlike about her that Julie hadn’t noticed before. She acted like they were in a sorority and the head of the frat had just proposed. Though Julie had more or less accepted belonging to Gabe, it seemed odd that anybody should jump up and down about it.
Sensing the chill, Annette sank back in her chair. “So, what? He twisted your arm? He forced you? You’re not happy with Gabe!?!”
Of course she resented Julie. Because everybody loved Gabe. Julie had practically been Enemy Number One at the house for weeks now for denying him.
“I’m scared. This is not how I imagined my life would go.” Though when she tried to stop and think about how exactly she had imagined her life would go, she drew a blank there as well.
“Everything will be okay, you’ll see,” Annette said.
Julie looked up to find Gabe striding toward them and
was surprised by how relieved she was to see him.
“I finished the questions. You were gone a long time, and I didn’t know what to do.”
Couldn’t Annette go away?
As if Gabe had read Julie’s mind, he said, “Annette, would you give us a few moments?”
“Oh, yes, sir, of course.” Annette picked up her tray and headed to another part of the cafeteria with it. She had the good grace to move out of earshot, but Julie wasn’t convinced she couldn’t read lips.
Gabe sat in the chair she’d vacated and took and ate a strawberry off Julie’s tray.
“Hey!” Without thinking, Julie smacked his hand. She froze immediately after. This wasn’t Gabe, the guy from the bar that she was on a date with. This was…
Before she could complete the thought, Gabe took her hand in his. “Hey, what was that?”
“I-I’m sorry, I would never...”
“Shhh. No, I don’t mean the smack. I mean the terror. Why were you so afraid after you did it?”
“You know why. I-I don’t want to go to the dungeon.”
“You think that’s who I am? You think I’m such an epic control freak that you can’t playfully smack my hand for stealing food off your tray?”
She looked up to find his startling green eyes were more intense and inscrutable than usual.
“You are not a thing to me. I love you. I want something real with you, and if that means sometimes you playfully smack my hand when I steal a strawberry, I think that’s healthy don’t you?”
She nodded, relaxing again.
“Are you ready to begin your training?”
The nerves came back all of a sudden. “Aren’t you… don’t you want to have lunch?” Delay. Stall. Delay. She’d noticed that morning when he’d gone through the breakfast line that he hadn’t gotten very much food, so surely he could stand to eat something.
He chuckled. “I grabbed a quick bite while I was out.”
“Oh.”
He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “Come on. You know you want me.”
She laughed in spite of herself because this was the guy she’d been so smitten with back at Dani’s bar. This was the man she’d wanted to know in every way possible. Julie took his hand, and he led her back up to their room.
40
She still couldn’t believe this was happening, that she had given in to Gabe’s crazy demands. Her mind went back to Brian’s dungeon and how very close she had been to losing her protection in the house. Once she’d finally agreed to the arrangement with Gabe the previous night, she had been sure that he would start… what? Raping her?
A tear slipped down her cheek. No, he wasn’t like that. That wasn’t what this was. He said he would go slow—and she did want him. God help her but she did.
When they reached the room, Gabe’s rumbling voice was low in her ear, “Please relax. I know you’re scared. I won’t hurt you. This won’t be like what happened to you before at Dmitri’s.”
She nodded, not trusting her voice, and allowed him to guide her into the bedroom. He shut and locked the door behind them, which caused her anxiety to skyrocket again.
“So we won’t be disturbed. You want us to have privacy, right?”
“Y-yes, Master,” she whispered. It was true, she didn’t want Phyllis or Anton or worse, Brian to walk in on them. She was sure she was about to be naked.
“G-Gabe?” She was afraid he would be mad at her for saying his name, but she needed to feel like he was still him.
He pulled her into his arms and gently stroked her back. “Yes, sweetheart?”
Good, he wasn’t mad about the slip. It gave her the courage to continue. “I-I do want you. I don’t know if I want this thing we’re going to do. I think it’s possible I might. I thought a lot about what happened in the dungeon, and you’re right, it was a weird reaction. Please… be patient with me. I’m so scared that it will feel like...”
Like forced prostitution.
He pressed a kiss against her forehead. “Shhh. I know. And I can’t promise you won’t have feelings like that. The question is, are you willing to work through them to find peace and happiness on the other side?”
“I-I think so.”
“Do you think I can make you happy? If you can get past your fears?” he asked quietly.
“Yes.” Julie was surprised by how sure she was of this. She’d spent so much time scared of what things might feel like and if she would have flashbacks and how bad the trauma would be. She’d been trying to figure out how she would cope with Gabe’s touch.
She hadn’t stopped to consider that the issue wasn’t Gabe. It would be like this with anyone, in the most normal relationship. At Dmitri’s she’d spent most of her time trying to block what was happening to her and the fear that she could be killed at any moment if she displeased a client enough. They’d already been practically starving her.
Somehow, being at Gabe’s house had only heightened her anxiety because she had time to think about it. Her life wasn’t in immediate danger. She didn’t have to constantly try to cope with and survive the next thing, and that had only made it feel like her emotional world would fall apart at any moment. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Gabe to touch her. It was that she was afraid Dmitri’s house would taint that touch.
But if it did, he wasn’t going to throw her away or hurt her or kill her. He would help her work through it.
Gabe had been holding her quietly, brushing his fingers through her hair. Finally he broke the silence. “Are you ready?”
She was never going to be ready, but it was clear that the longer she waited to try, the more she would build things up in her mind. And she loved the way his body and arms seemed to close around her. It didn’t feel suffocating or dangerous. It felt safe. Like sleep last night had.
“Gabe? Can you do something for me?” How many times would he let her get away with that? She wasn’t trying to disrespect his rules. She needed to feel normal for a few more minutes.
“Almost anything,” he said.
She smiled against his shoulder. “Can you push me over the cliff?”
He chuckled. “Now, that sounds mean. Not like something I would do at all.”
“You know what I mean. I-I agreed and gave myself to you last night. The truth is, we both know you can do whatever you want. I’m pretty much at your mercy here.”
He laughed again. “Yes, you are. Glad you could join me in reality.”
“W-what I mean is… I can’t do this if you ask if I’m okay every second or if this is okay or that is okay. I’m willing to surrender to you, b-but I need you to… t-to train me like you would anybody else. Anyone you didn’t care about and who didn’t have my history. The more you treat me like glass, the more I feel like I’m going to break.”
His grip on her tightened. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“I’m not going to be able to do this any other way.”
Gabe sighed. “I was going to do things differently with you, but maybe my standard protocol is best. Oh, and since we’re doing this my way, if you call me Gabe again, there will be punishment.”
Julie took a deep breath and looked up at him. “E-ever? I can never call you by your name again... ever?” She wasn’t sure if she could be with someone who wanted that kind of cold distance between them, assuming she still had any kind of choice in the matter.
“Not when I’m training you or when we’re in this type of mental space, and never in public. If we are alone together, like in bed before you drift off, you can say my name, but otherwise, no. I want you to fully internalize our relationship.”
“Okay.”
“Okay, what?”
“Okay, Master.”
“Good girl.”
That flutter again that made her want to crawl inside him and rest forever. She felt a little better that she wouldn’t have to consent to each step of her destruction. Part of what had made the situation at Dmitri’s survivable was the fact that she knew
she didn’t have choices. She had to do what was expected of her or they would take her outside and kill her. There had never been a question.
She knew Gabe wasn’t going to kill her and seriously doubted he would ever intentionally harm her, but she couldn’t consent to each step of what he wanted from her. She needed to know that the power was with Gabe alone, then maybe she could begin to learn to trust him.
“You should know my rules for training,” Gabe said. “You obey me the first time, every time. You do not get to negotiate or question me. Your only job is to give in to me. If you don’t obey me, or you try to argue with me, we will go to the dungeon for punishment. And then you will obey me. Understand?”
“Y-yes, Master.” There had been a tiny knot in her low back, a place which she held all her tension. Once he said these words and once she acknowledged them, she felt that little knot begin to loosen.
The short, shallow breaths she’d been taking started to elongate. Her heart rate began to smooth out into a peaceful pitter-patter, lightly thumping in her chest. Even without them doing anything yet, this absolute power he took with her, calmed her instead of scaring her, because she did trust him.
If he betrayed that trust and everything went to hell, she’d have to deal with that when the time came, but for now, if he wasn’t going to ask her opinion and enthusiastic engagement in everything, if he was instead going to simply demand and take, there was suddenly a space opening up for her to accept things.
“Lift your arms,” he said.
Julie lifted her arms and Gabe pulled the T-shirt over her head and flung it onto the floor. “Why are you wearing underwear?”
She looked up into stern glittering green eyes. “I’m sorry, Master. I-I forgot.” She’d been so nervous this morning, knowing it was starting today.
“That was your one and only warning, since we are just getting started. But never again, or there will be punishment.”
Julie nodded.