by Kitty Thomas
“You punished me. Like you had the right to...”
“If you hadn’t thrown something at me, it wouldn’t have happened. Did I harm or damage you?”
“No, but it’s not right. It’s… weird and gross and… wrong.”
“If you say so.” He set the brush down on the night table. “We’re going to have dinner in about an hour out here on the balcony. I’ll bring it up. Go find Annette and borrow a nice dress from her for dinner. Something backless.”
“I...” She wasn’t calling him master and he wasn’t fucking her… yet… or doing other weird kinky things to her. And yes, she had thrown something at him, so maybe she had instigated what happened in the dungeon. Maybe. But it still felt wrong. It felt like he was trying to slowly ease her into being his slave… and she’d already said…
“Did you not agree to have dinner with me? Did you change your mind?”
“I… no, dinner is fine.”
“Good, go get dressed. Annette will help you get ready.”
She stood and went to the door. Gabe’s voice stopped her.
“Julie, you will be mine. I’m more sure of it now than I’ve been since I met you. You didn’t have the experience to know what you wanted. And you still don’t have it. But I’ve seen enough women come through these doors to know a sub when she comes apart under my whip. You will beg to wear my collar.”
She didn’t turn around or argue with him; she just left because there was a small part of her that was scared he might be right.
36
Gabe pressed the number three on the intercom and ordered up a special dinner from Phyllis. He wanted to take Julie out someplace nice. Like Sakura. Maybe it would be good for her. But he didn’t quite trust yet that she wouldn’t call attention and try to get help. Besides, at the moment he also still worried about running into someone from Dmitri’s house. Brian and Mina needed to dismantle their operation and all the people inside his organization. Then Gabe might feel safe to take Julie out into the real world again.
Of course, if they killed everyone in Dmitri’s organization, what further noble excuse would he have to keep Julie prisoner? For the moment, he could still see it as some kind of twisted protective custody. Maybe after Dmitri and his guys were gone, Gabe could convince himself he was keeping her because she was a threat to his house and would put them all in danger. But he wasn’t sure he believed that. Yes, he worried she might still seek help if given an opportunity, but if he let her go—once Dmitri was taken care of—Gabe didn’t really believe she’d go to the police.
Even after one day here, he knew she wouldn’t betray him. She already felt the pull to him. Maybe it was a stupid thing to worry about. The way she was going, she’d be in his collar well before the hit on Dmitri’s house went down. Then there would be nothing to consider.
Now more than ever he regretted not sticking around. He could have dated her. He could have given her a chance. She’d been so innocent. Of course she didn’t know what she wanted. But he’d been afraid he was only seeing what he wanted to see because he wanted her so much. Not every woman was like this. Plenty fantasized occasionally but most didn’t actually want this life.
And those who did tended to have some fucked-up fantasies from a pretty early age. The fact that she’d seemed so innocent made it seem impossible she would want this, that she could want it. But he hadn’t been mistaken in the dungeon. Something had happened down there. And now he was convinced.
If she wasn’t like him, she would have begged and screamed once he got started. Or she would have frozen up in fear. But she wouldn’t have fallen under that almost hypnotic wave. She wouldn’t have surrendered pieces of herself to him. She wouldn’t have trusted him. She shouldn’t have anyway. Kinky or not, after the stuff with Dmitri, Gabe couldn’t imagine how she’d found a space to trust him. But he was grateful for it.
He’d mentally berated himself the entire way down to the dungeons, and Mina’s speech hadn’t helped. He felt like a monster punishing this girl one day after she got here, when he’d told her he’d protect her and keep her safe, but he couldn’t let her get away with things like that.
Gabe crossed to a mirror on the wall and lifted the sleeve of his shirt. A bruise was already forming. The girl could throw. On some level, he had to admit it was pretty funny, even if he was the one who’d gotten hit with it. Mina was right about that much. He didn’t want to kill the thing inside Julie that gave her that kind of bravery. He just didn’t want her using it against him and undermining him in the house.
Gabe sat out on the balcony. The table had been set: a nice white linen tablecloth with a thin white-on-white pinstripe, candles, flowers, Italian food. He stood when Julie stepped outside in a backless black dress like he’d requested. He wanted to see the marks he’d left on her. He’d wanted everyone in the house to see them as well. It was part of why he’d wanted Annette to help her get ready—so she’d have to walk through the house with those marks on display.
She might not be wearing his collar yet, but she was wearing something of his at least.
Gabe pulled her chair out and she sat.
“Gabe?”
“Hmmm?”
“I-is this a date?”
“Yes, this is a date. I asked you to dinner. You said yes. Did you think it was just a friends thing?”
“N-no. But I didn’t know it was a… date.”
“Does that bother you?”
She shrugged. “I already told you… I… I can’t be who you want me to be. I’m not…”
“You’re not what?”
“I can’t happily fall down at your feet and be your slave. Don’t you get that?”
Gabe poured her some wine and pulled the silver lids off the food. “Eat. Before it gets cold.”
She took several bites, as did he, and he started the second interview. “Why can’t you be my slave?”
Julie looked up, startled. “What do you mean why? Do you want the list?”
“Yes. Give me the list. Don’t leave anything out.”
“There’s what happened at Dmitri’s for starters. I don’t know if I can ever get past that and I’m afraid any kind of sexual relationship with a man will be tainted by what happened to me. And that’s not even getting into all the weird shit you’re into.”
Gabe nearly choked on his food and took a sip of wine. It wasn’t that he wasn’t glad she felt so free to be that honest, he was just surprised.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He smiled. “Fine. Continue your list.”
“Well, I mean… and you don’t like to share, well I don’t like to share either. If I was with you, I don’t know if I could watch you be with other women. Though maybe I could because it might mean less weird stuff for me. I… I can’t wrap my mind around this stuff and don’t think I could...”
Gabe put his fork down and interrupted while she floundered adorably for more words. “Every time I tell you to do something, you do it. It’s like you can’t help yourself. You like obeying me.”
Her face blanched. Maybe a little too much too soon. But it was true. She had to know she was doing it.
“I don’t think… no… I… I don’t know why I do that. I-I’m not usually like that with people.”
Gabe nodded. “And then down in the dungeon. That reaction is not the reaction of a truly vanilla soul, you know.”
She started to cry. Oh shit. He hadn’t meant to make her cry. He’d just wanted her to see that yes, this could work. They could be happy, if she’d give it half a chance and stop second guessing and judging herself.
“I know. Something’s wrong with me. From Dmitri’s. I don’t know what. I don’t… I don’t know why I reacted that way, but it’s got to be something wrong with me. It’s not… it’s not normal. And I don’t think I ever would have… if…”
“You’re not broken. You reacted to me before Dmitri.”
“I know… but not… to… you didn’t hit me!”
“Yo
u make it sound like I punched you or threw a dildo at your head.”
Julie laughed. “Sorry. I’m still upset about the cameras. I’m still changing in the bathroom. I don’t want you to… even though you saw in the dungeon...”
Gabe held up a hand to stop her before she tripped all over herself again. “I know. Julie, listen. I never expected something like this to happen. I didn’t think I needed or wanted anything deeper with anyone than what I already had with the girls at the house. Then I met you and I thought I’d do normal with you, and kinky with them. But after months of trying to convince myself otherwise and trying to forget you, I found that was impossible. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I want it all with you. I always thought that if I did have something like that, there would be no question that the woman I was with was a hundred percent into it as well. I didn’t imagine I would pretty much buy someone or that I would rescue-kidnap them. I didn’t think it would be someone who didn’t even know if she was kinky. I want you. I know you wanted me. I think you still want me. And I think you’re far kinkier than you think you are. I’m not sure how to navigate what you’ve gone through, but I can’t pretend that I’m not going to keep trying to win you over to my side.”
“But what if I never come to your side?”
Gabe sighed. Yeah, that was a good question. What if she was too stubborn? What if she resisted and never came around? What if she wouldn’t let herself have this thing with him because, God only knew what, was rattling around in her head trying to convince her she couldn’t have it, shouldn’t have it, that it was too dangerous. That it was wrong.
“Gabe?” she prodded.
“I said I wasn’t going to hurt you. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do if you don’t come around. Let’s date like a couple of normal people with none of the weird stuff as you call it. And let’s just see what happens. I promise you I won’t do anything kinky or strange or overly controlling until you agree and are in my collar. Okay?”
Julie looked back at her plate, unsure. “O-okay, but what about what happened in the dungeon?”
“What about it? I told you the rules. As long as you behave like a civilized and moderately respectful human being, that won’t happen again. Though, if you want to know the truth, I think you want it to.”
Her face flamed at that. He was right. He knew he was fucking right. It took every ounce of self-control to not slap a collar on her and force her to be what he wanted her to be. More than anything now because he knew it was who she was already. But it would break her and he would never have her trust. And he wasn’t Brian. Even Brian had behaved more civilized when it came to the woman he’d wanted in his collar.
After several minutes of silence Julie finally said, “Okay, we can date. Like normal people. But… even without the kink, I’m not sure about...”
Gabe knew where she was going with this. She wasn’t sure about sex. If she could handle normal sex after Dmitri’s house. That was always going to be there, lurking in the shadows. Gabe swallowed the bite of food he’d been chewing and held up a hand to stop her again, no sense in letting her torture and contort herself this way trying to make him understand something he already understood perfectly well. He wasn’t a fool.
“Julie, listen. I don’t mean sex. I mean getting to know each other. Having dinner together. Spending time together. Maybe affection, but I’m not asking for sex. I don’t want that in a vanilla context anyway. If we go to that place, it will be only if you’re in my collar and we’re doing all the other stuff as well.”
She finally relaxed a fraction. “Okay. I can do that.”
Gabe put down his fork, got up from the table, went to the far end of the balcony, and looked out over the property. He was so glad they were outdoors. He didn’t think he could deal with this conversation inside. It would be too stifling.
“Gabe? Is… did I say something wrong?”
He turned back toward her. She looked so lost. If only she could trust him. For a week. If she’d give him a week of total trust and submission, she would see this was right for her, for them.
“Look, I don’t want this to be something you have to force yourself to do. Are you not attracted anymore? You wanted me for months. Even after our first date where I scared you, you still begged me not to leave you and to take things slowly. I’m offering that and you act as though this is some sort of sentence. If your feelings have somehow changed...”
“No! T-they haven’t changed.”
“Come here.”
Julie scooted her chair back and crossed the balcony to him.
“Turn,” he said when she reached him. He couldn’t resist giving commands. It was too much who he was, but she didn’t seem to mind it.
She turned and he ran his fingertips over the barely raised welts on her back.
“People in the house saw them,” she said.
“I know.”
He turned her to face him and leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on her lips. It was clear from the way she pressed against him, and how her hands moved around the back of his neck, that she wanted him to go further. But there was only so far things would go without a collar. He pulled back and searched her eyes.
If only he hadn’t been such a stupid bastard. Everything that had happened to her was his fault. She’d practically been gift wrapped for him, and he’d tossed her aside. Why? Because she had needed more time? Oh, the horrors! He’d been an impatient bastard, and it had cost them both. Her far more than him. So he could be as patient as he needed to be now.
He pressed a kiss against her forehead. “I’m so sorry I left you that night. If I could go back and do it over… I would have listened to you and taken things slowly like you asked me.”
“It’s okay. You couldn’t have known.”
“Do you need to talk to someone?” Gabe asked.
“Talk to someone?”
“Like a therapist. We have someone here in the house. He could talk to you.” Gabe inwardly cringed as he made the offer. Lindsay had never caused Gabe any personal problems, but he’d witnessed how the shrink had tried to interfere with Mina and Brian. And Gabe had to admit that he didn’t like the idea of Lindsay insinuating himself inside his and Julie’s relationship anymore than Brian had wanted the doctor mixed up in his and Mina’s. At the same time, Gabe couldn’t have a therapist here on site and not make the offer to her.
Julie shook her head. “No, I… I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to a man about this stuff.”
“You could always talk to Annette or Mina. Mina might be your best option. She doesn’t have the same history as you, but she had her own demons to fight past. You might find you have more in common with her than you think. I want you to talk to someone at least. Even if it can’t be me or Lindsay. Just… don’t keep things bottled.”
“I promise,” she said.
“Do you need anything else? Drugs, I mean? Lindsay can get you Xanax or another anti-anxiety drug if you need it. Anti-depressants. Sleep aides? Are you sleeping? Whatever you need.”
She seemed uncertain at first as if weighing the options, but then she shook her head vehemently. “No, I don’t want anything. I do have some trouble sleeping but I don’t want to need a pill to sleep. Plus I read a long time ago that it messes with your sleep and doesn’t give you proper rest anyway. So what’s the point? And yes, I get anxious and sad, but aren’t those normal feelings to have under the circumstances?”
“They are.”
“Then I don’t want to medicate my emotions. If you can really promise me safety, I think someday things will be better. But what good would drugs do? Really? It would only delay things. It doesn’t magically erase my memories. If you have a drug that does that, I’ll take it.”
He chuckled.
Gabe was somewhat relieved she felt that way. He’d seen people get hooked on things. His family hadn’t just been a bunch of violent alcoholics. Several of them had been hooked on painkillers and a few sundry other pharmaceuticals. He’
d never thought medicating one’s feelings was the answer, but it was the standard treatment these days. He didn’t want to deny Julie something she might need, at least temporarily, but he’d seen first hand how such things could steal little pieces of your humanity, turn people into deadened zombies, set the stage for addiction and dependence. What started out as a temporary solution often became necessary indefinitely, all usually based on temporary situations that occurred in one’s life—situations most people could have otherwise worked through with proper support.
“If you change your mind...”
“I’ll let you know.”
37
Many weeks of this strange, casual dating passed and Julie found something inside her opening up to Gabe. With each dinner and long quiet talk and each innocent kiss that passed between them, she found herself letting go bit by bit of some of the Dmitri stuff. It wasn’t as though she could ever erase it or like she didn’t still bolt awake in the middle of the night afraid she was still back there about to be passed to one of his clients. You couldn’t erase that stuff, but she was beginning to believe it could be possible that she could trust someone. Even a male someone.
Gabe had allowed her to get used to the house for a few days, then he’d taken her to a medical room where he drew blood and did some other gynecological medical stuff. He said the therapist, Lindsay, had access to a lab so they could test for STDs as well as pregnancy. It had been a subconscious background worry she hadn’t wanted to think or talk about. What if one of those slimy men had given her something awful or gotten her pregnant?
She was glad Gabe seemed to know how to do all the stuff that needed to be done to test everything so that she wouldn’t have to be naked in front of someone else. He’d chatted with her while he collected samples and explained that when girls came to the house they were tested and quarantined from training until everything came back clear to keep all the girls in the house safe.