by Jill Shalvis
Chapter 5
The waves washed over the pebbled sand rhythmically, waking Levi. He took a deep breath. Fresh pine trees and cool, fresh air. Nice. The stunning sky matched the color of the lake in front of him, a sea of blue, surrounded by the jagged Sierra peaks. Next to him on the beach sat an urn.
Amy’s ashes.
Lake Tahoe had been her favorite place on earth. Levi had been her favorite person on earth, going as far back as middle school, when they’d crashed into each other on the monkey bars and cracked heads.
She liked to say he’d knocked himself right into her soul, that there would never be another for her. She’d known that from age twelve. He’d never fully understood it.
Or appreciated it.
Guilt washed over him in tune to the water hitting the sand. Except . . . hold up. The sound was shifting from gentle waves to an obnoxious beep, beep, beep . . .
“Levi? How we doing?”
He didn’t recognize the voice, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to open his eyes, because suddenly something was hammering away at the base of his skull. A sledgehammer. He actually lifted his hands to his head to hold it on his shoulders and felt the tug of an IV.
Damn. That, along with the scent of antiseptic, was a dead giveaway.
He cracked his eyes open and immediately regretted it because the pain behind his eyeballs exploded. “Jesus,” he gasped.
“Take your time. Slow breaths or you’ll get sick.”
No kidding. The urge to throw up was suddenly his number one problem. He drew in a very slow, shallow breath. And then another, not moving a single inch until the nausea retreated slightly.
“Good.”
He fought his eyes open again. Given the slant of light coming in the window on his left, it was midmorning. On his right stood a nurse, checking his vitals.
“I’m fine,” he said.
“Of course you are.” She smiled at him. “If not just a little roughed up. And welcome back.”
“Wait.” His brain felt scrambled. “Jane.” He had to clear his rough throat, the sound causing more stabbing pain behind his eyeballs. “Where’s Jane?”
His nurse moved closer, adjusting his IV line before patting his hand. Her name tag said Daisy. Her warm, caring eyes said her regret was genuine. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t here when you were brought in. Is she a relative? Your wife?”
He struggled to think, to remember, but his entire head felt constricted, like his skull was too tight. “I just need to know if she’s okay.”
At the look on his face, Daisy took sympathy on him. “All right, hon, I’ll ask around. What’s her last name?”
He opened his mouth and then had to close it again because he didn’t know her last name.
“Okay, so not a relative, and definitely not your wife,” Daisy said dryly. “Hang tight. I’ll get your doctor.”
Levi lay back and stared up at the ceiling. The night was a blur, a jumble of snapshots he couldn’t seem to put in the right order. Frustrated, he started to push up from the bed, and immediately his world started spinning.
Beep, beep, beep . . .
“Whoa,” Daisy said, back at his side, gently pushing him to lay down. “You’re not quite ready for prime time yet.” She took his vitals, made notes, and smiled at him. “Hang tight, your doctor will be here any second.”
The next sound he heard was the curtain rings sliding on the metal rod, reminding him of another metal sound. From last night, when the gondola had tipped and the steel rod had slid out of its holder and . . .
Hit him in the head.
Suddenly the images in his head shifted and fell into order. Leaving San Francisco for the drive up the mountain to Lake Tahoe, his childhood home. And then after an hour with his parents, a familiar sense of restlessness had come over him, and needing to clear his head, he’d gone to North Diamond. Getting on the gondola, he’d felt his first sense of excitement in a long time, looking forward to the rush he always got from skiing.
Then Jane. Flirting with her. Irritating her . . . All while the storm increased with shocking speed, battering the gondola and rocking them like a ship at stormy sea.
Then the gondola ahead of them had gone down. Jane’s soft gasp of horror, and his own oh-shit feeling as their dangerous predicament hit him. They’d both known that at any minute they could fall to their certain death, and still Jane had remained calm. Not fearless. Nope, she’d definitely been afraid. Hell, they’d both been terrified. But she was good in an emergency, and damn, that had been attractive.
Lying on the floor of the swaying gondola, the storm beating them up from every angle. Jane sitting with his head in her lap, holding pressure to the cut on his head. Being with her had been quiet and peaceful . . . that is, if nearly dying could be quiet and peaceful.
He remembered the ambulance ride. Jane had been at his side, talking in medical jargon to the EMS team, and he also remembered thinking how hot that was. She’d been here in his room too, sitting in the chair in his cubicle. Someone had given her fresh scrubs and she’d stayed with him while his head was cleaned and stitched until he’d been taken away for X-rays and a scan of his head.
When he’d been brought back, she’d been gone. Which meant she had to be okay, right?
The doctor who appeared from behind the curtain wasn’t a stranger. Dr. Mateo Moreno wore scrubs and an opened white lab coat, his face dialed to eight hours past exhaustion. He’d been Amy’s brother, and once upon a time, also Levi’s best friend. It’d been a few years since they’d seen each other.
Levi’s fault.
Mateo stepped up to the side of the hospital bed. His eyes, once always filled with laughter, mischief, and the genuine affection that came from a lifetime of hanging out together, were hooded now. “How you feeling?” he asked in a doctor-to-patient voice.
“Good enough to go home.”
“Nice try.” Mateo paused, then sank into the chair with both weariness and wariness. “About time I run into you, even if it’s because you landed in my ER looking like death warmed over.”
“That bad, huh?”
Mateo shrugged. “You’ve looked worse. Like when we drove my dad’s truck up to the summit and did donuts on the ice and you fell out.”
Levi laughed, then groaned at the pain. “You mean when we stole your dad’s truck, and you did donuts on the ice until the passenger door opened and I was flung over the embankment?”
“Semantics.” But Mateo smiled, his real one this time. “It was fun until you had to make it about you.”
“Ha-ha.” But it had been fun, just one in a long string of fun times they’d shared. “We’re lucky we survived all the shit we got into.”
“True story. And speaking of surviving, you’re being held for observation because of the concussion and stitches, but you should be good as new in a couple of weeks with a lot of rest. Good thing your head’s so hard.”
Levi snorted, which caused a new stab of pain, but he sucked it up. “Good thing.”
Mateo nodded, eyes serious. “It’s been a minute.”
“Too many.” Levi had thought being in Sunrise Cove again, seeing Mateo, would hurt. Instead he just ached. Some from his injuries, but mostly from the loss of one of the best relationships he’d ever had. “I’m sorry.”
Ignoring this, Mateo stood and hit some keys on the computer. “I called your mom, told her you were going to be okay. I also told her visiting hours didn’t start until nine A.M., so you’re welcome and you owe me.” And then he started to go.
Levi did owe him, big-time. And he’d missed him. “I was a dick.”
Mateo stopped, glanced back. “They say recognizing the problem is half the solution.”
Levi let out a low laugh, and then a groan because damn, his head.
“You need to take it easy. You scrambled your brain good.”
“Could be worse.”
Mateo, eyes still serious, nodded. “Yeah. You could’ve been on the gondola in front of you.�
�
True story. And then he’d be dead, without ever having this conversation. “I meant it. I’m sor—”
Mateo gave him the hand. “You’re injured. We’re not doing this now.”
“I need to,” Levi said. “I shouldn’t have vanished.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. It wasn’t your fault, what happened to Amy.”
“I hurt her.”
“Because you didn’t let her drag you down the aisle?” Mateo shook his head. “You weren’t ready.”
“We’d been together all our lives, I should’ve been ready. A wedding was all she ever wanted, and I didn’t give it to her before . . . before it was too late.”
Mateo looked down at his bootee-covered shoes for a long beat. Then he sighed and came back to Levi’s bedside. “Is that what kept you away? Guilt? You think any of my family blamed you for not marrying her when she wanted you to? We didn’t, Levi. What we blamed you for was leaving and not looking back. Like none of us ever meant a damn thing to you.”
Levi felt his throat tighten, and the ache was now in his heart, not his head. “You did mean something to me. You all did. You deserved better from me.”
“Damn straight,” Mateo said, voice not quite as cool as it’d been.
Levi took a deep breath and was grateful he didn’t throw up. “I need one more favor,” he said quietly.
“You’re racking them up.”
“Actually, two favors.”
Mateo just raised a brow.
“I want a do-over.”
They’d started the do-over thing in middle school. When one of them did something incredibly stupid—which happened a lot—the other could choose to give a do-over. Or not.
But they’d never not given each other a second chance.
Mateo took his sweet-ass time answering. “Okay,” he finally said. “You get a do-over. I’ll take it in the form of pizza and beer when you’re cleared to drink.”
Levi let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. That was more than he deserved. “Deal.”
“And the other favor?”
“I was brought in with a woman named Jane. Do you know if she’s okay?”
Again, Mateo looked at Levi for a long moment, eyes solemn, arms crossed over his chest. “I do.”
“And?”
“And she’s in far better shape than you.” With that, Mateo walked out, sliding the curtain shut behind him.
Levi blew out a breath, and to stave off all the memories piling onto memories inside his aching head, he opened his palm and looked down at the dainty gold locket in his hands. An old friend on the local search-and-rescue had shown up in his ER cubicle after they’d found it on the gondola. Levi had promised to get it back to the owner. He flicked it open now and found a smile. The tiny pic on the right was a little girl of around eight with wild dark red curls exploding around her head like a halo. Jane, dressed like a sugar plum fairy. The older woman in the opposite picture could be anyone, but he’d guess a grandmother. As for how he was going to get the locket back to her when he didn’t even know her last name . . . well, he’d figure that out when he was released.
A commotion sounded on the other side of the curtains, and then came a shrill, nervous woman’s voice. “Where is he, where’s my son?”
“They said the third room on the left, Shirl,” a man said. Levi’s dad. “One more room down.”
“I can count, Hank. Why are you walking so slow?”
Levi stared up at the ceiling, not ready for this. Not that it mattered, as ready or not, his mom, dad, sister, and niece all crowded into his room.
“Honey!” his mom cried, rushing to his side. She was dressed up, hair and makeup in place, no sight of her always present bright blue glasses, which meant she was wearing her contacts. Which she hated. This was all unusual enough to have him taking a second look at her.
Worry lines were etched into her face. “Mom, I’m okay.”
Not satisfied, she looked him over carefully. Levi was, and always had been, the odd man out in his family. His parents ran a sporting goods store, and if there wasn’t a ball or a kayak or a tent involved, they weren’t interested. Levi had grown up outdoors and loved it, but what he loved more was books, science: taking things apart and putting them back together in a better way; gathering data and then creating ways to manage that data.
Bottom line—his brain worked differently from the rest of the Cutlers, and while he had no doubt they loved him, they’d never really understood him.
And yet here they were, ready to smother him with love in the only way they knew how. “Really, I’m fine.”
“You sure?” his mom asked.
“Very.”
“Okay then. Tell us everything.”
“You already know everything,” he said. “Mateo told me he called you.”
“He said you were okay and that visiting hours started at nine A.M. The end. Honestly, both you boys need phone manners.”
Levi glanced at the clock on the wall. It was five minutes before nine.
“Your nurse let us in early,” she said.
Translation: she’d badgered the front desk until they’d caved. No one, and he meant no one, had ever been able to tell Shirley Cutler what to do.
“She said you have a concussion,” she said. “No one would tell us anything about Jane.”
He felt a twitch begin behind his eye. Could one feel a vessel bleed? And if it was bad enough, could he pass out and miss the rest of this visit? “Who’s manning the store?” he asked.
“We’re opening an hour late,” his mom said.
This was a shock. The store his family owned and operated was called Cutler Sporting Goods, located in the Tahoe area. It was closed for Easter and Christmas, and nothing else ever. The store had its ebbs and flows like anything else, but it was largely successful. Mostly because Hank Cutler was so tight with money he squeaked when he walked.
“So,” his mom said. “Where’s Jane?” She looked around like maybe Levi was hiding her somewhere in the tiny room.
“I’m probably going to be discharged soon,” he said, hoping to distract from the fact that the girlfriend he’d made up last night had never really existed. “You guys didn’t have to all come check on me.”
“Oh, we didn’t,” his sister, Tess, said. “We came to meet your girlfriend.”
“Where’s Mateo?” his mom asked. “He’ll give me a straight answer.”
“Shirl, listen to the boy,” his dad said. “Everyone’s fine, and he would know otherwise.”
“Uncle Levi!” Peyton yelled, jumping up and down. “Grandma said you might be getting married soon. Can I be the flower girl?”
Levi looked at his mom, who had the good grace to wince. He shook his head at her, then smiled at Peyton. “Hey, sweetness. And there’s no wedding on the horizon.”
“That’s okay!” The six-year-old beamed at him, her two front teeth missing. “Hospitals smell bad. Like medicine and burnt toast and Grandpa when he forgets to spray after going potty.”
“Peyton,” Tess said, sounding like she was holding back a laugh. “You can’t possibly smell all those scents at once.”
“Actually, you can,” Levi said. “The human nose can distinguish at least a trillion different odors.”
His mom, dad, and sister stared at him, but Peyton laughed in delight. “Is a trillion a lot?”
“A lot, a lot,” he said.
“More than the stars in the sky?”
“In our galaxy, yes,” he said. “But not in the universe.”
His dad tossed up his hands. “He gets his head bashed in, but can still cite weird random science facts.”
“That’s why he beats you at Trivial Pursuit,” his mom said. “It’s also why he can fix anything and everything. It’s how he’s wired, Hank, you know that.”
Levi had taken a lot of teasing over the years for being the family fix-it guy, but he hadn’t been able to stop Amy from dying, or keep his sister from getting dump
ed by her asshole husband, Cal. And no matter how hard he’d tried, he hadn’t been able to fix the emptiness inside of him that he was beginning to be afraid was just a part of him now.
Peyton patted his IV-free hand and smiled at him so sweetly and adoringly it almost hurt. “Mommy told me I can pick a candy from the ’chine!”
Tess looked pained. “Every time I say no, she hears ask again. Giving in was the path of least resistance.”
Peyton tried to climb up onto his bed. Tess attempted to stop her, but Levi leaned over and gave Peyton an assist. It hurt his head, but hell, so did life.
Peyton sat on his bed at his hip, her smile slowly fading as she got a closer look at him. “You haz an owie!” she said, pointing at his head.
“It’ll heal.”
She nodded, then leaned over and gave him a very wet kiss on his cheek. “I bring you candy from the ’chine. Grandma! We haz to get him some candy!”
“I’ve got something better.” Levi’s mom sat in the corner chair and started going through her bag. “Power bars. I made them myself . . . where did they go . . .”
Tess sighed and shifted closer to Levi. “Thanks for the car ride over here with her, by the way,” she whispered.
“Oh, I’m sorry, was my near-death experience inconvenient for you?”
His mom raised her head with her ultrasonic maternal ears that could probably also hear his heart rate. “Your near death?” she repeated, eyes wide.
“He’s just kidding,” Tess said.
Levi risked his head falling off by nodding.
“Let’s talk about Jane,” his mom said. “Where is she?”
“She’s been released.”
“Released . . . Well, for goodness sakes.” She sat down, removed her contact lenses while muttering about how annoying they were, and then slid on her bright blue glasses. “Why isn’t she at your bedside? And how come you’ve never mentioned her before? How did you meet? Is she from here or San Francisco? What does she do?” She was looking around as if waiting for another bed to miraculously appear, and suddenly the hairdo and makeup made sense.
She’d dressed for Jane.
Making up a girlfriend had definitely not been a good son moment. It’d seemed so logical when he had been staring death in the face, but now . . . “Listen, about—”