by Jill Shalvis
“Well, who hasn’t?” his mom asked. “You’re a fixer, always have been. It hurts you when you can’t fix something. Like what Cal took from us. Or when Amy died—”
“Mom—”
“No, baby, listen. There are always going to be things in life that can’t be undone, no matter how badly you want it. But there are also plenty of things you can fix. Like you and Jane. I know you can fix this.”
Mateo nodded.
Tess nodded.
Hell, even his dad nodded.
Peyton opened her hand and offered him a melted chocolate kiss.
What the hell. He popped it into his mouth. “How?” he said. “How do I fix this?”
“Whoa.” Tess looked amazed. “He’s asking for advice. Quick, someone write the date down.”
His mom ignored this. “The fix isn’t easy,” she warned him. “You’re going to have to listen to your heart, which already has the answer.”
Great. Because Levi had no idea how to listen to his heart—which was pounding at the moment, so hard and fast that it hurt. “I might actually be having a heart attack.”
“Or . . . ?” Tess prompted.
“Or . . .” He swallowed hard. “Or I love her.”
“For such a smart guy,” his dad said, clapping a hand onto his shoulder in a rare display of affection, “it sure takes you a while to catch on.”
His mom was smiling. “Proud of you, baby.”
Levi moved to the door. “I’ve gotta go.”
“You’re going to go ask her to be your girlfriend for real, right?” his mom asked his back.
“I suggest groveling,” Tess said.
“Ditto,” Mateo said.
“Good luck, son,” his dad said. “You’re going to need it.”
Chapter 29
Jane pulled off the road for two reasons. One, because her defroster was on the blink and swiping her sleeve across the inside of the windshield to see the road better wasn’t working. Two, she was crying. Which might be why she couldn’t see the road.
Life officially sucked golf balls.
But hey, she’d been here before and had survived. All she had to do was keep one foot in front of the other and push through. So she swiped at her face and eyed her reflection in the rearview mirror. “Since when do you let anyone get close enough to hurt you? Because that’s just plain dumb. You know better.”
She did.
But she’d somehow come to believe that she’d been on a new trajectory, where the people she was slowly letting into her life could be trusted.
Turned out the joke was on her, because both the men she loved had just gutted her.
By the time she parked in front of her grandpa’s house, the tears were gone, but she had some things to say. She stormed up the walk and lifted her hand to knock, but the door opened before she could, taking some of the wind from her sails.
Her grandpa took one look at her and sighed. “You always were a nosy little thing.”
Fine. They were going straight to the thick of it then. Suited her perfectly. “How could you not tell me?”
“Easy.”
She gasped, actually gasped, and through the pain in her heart, stared at him.
Suddenly looking far older than his years, he seemed to cave in on himself. “Look, I knew if I told you, it’d be all you’d want to talk about. And I didn’t want to talk about it. Still don’t.”
“But—”
“Jane, do you know when I made my decision about treatment? A year ago, far before you came back into my life. And back then, all I could think of was getting to see your grandma again.” He looked at her with regret shining in his eyes. “I had messed things up with you and couldn’t even imagine a scenario in which you’d ever want to see me again. I honestly thought I was done here.”
She sat down before her knees could give out, right there on the top step of his porch. “I feel like I just found you,” she said through a thick throat. “I don’t think I can bear the thought of losing you again.”
He sat on the step next to her and took her hand. “I’ll still be with you. Just like I always have been.”
Her eyes filled. “But there are treatments that can make it so you can stay with me longer.”
He was already shaking his head. “What time I have left, I want to spend laughing with you, enjoying life with you, not you coming to visit me in a sterile hospital bed. Jane, I’d rather have three incredible months with you than three long, painful, terrifying years.” He looked her right in the eyes, letting her see everything he was feeling, which was enough to bowl her over. “Can you try and understand that?”
She had to force herself to really hear his words. To process what he was saying. She had to ask herself . . . if he hadn’t been her grandpa, if he’d been one of her patients, how would she feel?
If she was being brutally honest, she’d agree with him.
And something else. Levi had said no one was pushing her away this time, she’d done that all on her own. And he was right, painfully so. There would always be another job. There wouldn’t be another grandpa, not for her. “I’ll be here,” she said fiercely, clinging to her grandpa’s hand. “I’ll be here with you no matter what.”
The tension drained from his shoulders and he leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Thank you,” he said with such meaning, her heart squeezed.
And in that moment, she realized that Levi hadn’t been trying to be cruel or to underplay the seriousness of her grandpa’s situation or her reaction to it. He’d simply been attempting to help her understand what her grandpa wanted, from the point of view of a man who himself had never been fully understood by his own family.
This is real for me . . .
He’d put his heart on the line for her. He’d bared heart and soul to her, and she’d turned away from all he’d offered, basically doing to him what people had done to her for her whole life. She’d walked. She sucked in a breath, feeling a new wave of grief. “I messed up,” she murmured. “Big-time.”
“Not with me you didn’t,” her grandpa said genuinely.
She held on to his hand. “Thank you for that. But you’re not the only one I hurt today by thinking only of myself.”
“Levi?”
“Yes.” She swallowed hard. “He told me that what he and I have is real.”
He nodded. “I could see that in his eyes.”
“I walked away,” she whispered.
Her grandpa nodded again.
“You’re . . . not surprised.”
He let out a rough laugh. “After all you’ve been through, no one would be surprised to know you don’t trust love. But, Jane, people are going to love you just for being you. You don’t have to run from it or be scared by it. I know you’ve had very good reasons to do and feel both of those things in the past. But you aren’t your past.” He cupped her face. “It’s okay to let people in, let them love you. It’s a beautiful thing. You don’t have to live in the shadows of your past anymore. Once you realize that, you’ll be able to stop shoving it deep, where it festers inside you.”
She wanted to stop. She did. But could she? Was it that simple?
“That boy loves you. Go to him like you came to me. He’ll listen. Then you’ll listen. Just like we did here, you and me.”
She gave him a watery smile. “Funny, that was his advice to me to begin with.” She covered her face. “I handled it badly. I’m not sure he can forgive me. I’m not sure I would if I were him, but he wanted something real with me, and now I know I want that too, more than I could have ever imagined.”
Her grandpa stood up and offered her a hand, and then a hug that she really needed. “You’ve got a lot of people here who care about you. You’re not alone. This time, every time, it’s your choice to stay or go.”
She hugged him tight, but he pulled back and gave her a shoo gesture. “Go. Go do what you need to.”
She turned and started down the path, only to stop short, nearly tripping over her own feet.
Levi’s truck was parked at the end of the driveway. She could see his tall silhouette in the fading daylight, Levi leaning against his truck, presumably waiting for her.
It was snowing lightly, individual flakes floating in the air, silently making their way down in slow motion, sparkling on the ground, the trees, in Levi’s hair, dusting his shoulders.
He looked like the rest of her life.
He’d asked her where he stood in the lineup of her jobs and her love of going far and wide. She hadn’t answered. She’d been too scared.
She’d lied to herself about that.
But she knew exactly where he stood in the lineup. She would choose him, any day, always. Swiping the tears off her cheeks, she moved closer, her boots crunching on the snow. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He looked at her with a self-deprecating smile while a light gust of wind playfully ruffled his snow-glistened hair. “I thought maybe you might need an Uber or tech support.”
Though his tone had been light, his eyes were anything but. “Maybe I just need you,” she said.
He studied her. “I’d like to think that was true, but you don’t often let yourself need anything or anyone.”
“I know. I was an island, and I was good at it.” She shook her head. “But coming back here this time, bonding with Charlotte, my grandpa. You . . .” She held his gaze this time. “Being alone doesn’t hold the same appeal anymore.”
“Good,” he said. “Because you’re not alone. I’m standing right here.”
Her own miracle. “You came for me.”
“I’ll always come for you. But you should know that I lied about the Uber and tech support. I’m here because I forgot to tell you something pretty important.”
“What?”
He straightened up from his truck but still didn’t touch her. “I love you, Jane.”
Her entire body softened. In fact, she nearly melted into a puddle right there on the icy ground. Stepping into him, she slid her hands up his chest and around his neck. Drawing in a breath, he hauled her in closer so there was no space between them. Then he kissed her, revealing everything he felt, not hiding a thing, telling her with his mouth, his touch, the way his body held hers that she really was the love of his life.
Just as he was hers. “I left something out too.” She drew in a deep breath, because here went everything. “You said it was real for you. I need you to know it’s real for me.”
His eyes searched hers, dark, serious. Intense. “From when?”
“From the moment you showed up at my work with my grandma’s locket. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be a good partner for someone. The way I grew up, the way I led my life . . . Before I met you, I never even considered it an option for me. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure I had it in me to fall in love. I’m still not sure how it happened.”
He made a low sound that said it hurt him to know she truly had believed herself incapable of love, and she shook her head. “But a part of me knew from that first night on the mountain that you would change everything.” She cupped his face. “I love you too, Levi.”
He let out a breath like he’d been holding it for just that. Looking touched, marveled, and relieved all at the same time, he gave a low laugh.
“You didn’t know?” she asked.
“Hoped. Suspected. But no, I wasn’t sure.”
“I really was going to Haiti,” she whispered.
“I know.”
“I’m not now.”
He rubbed his jaw against hers and nodded. “But even if you had, it wouldn’t have changed anything for me.”
“Me either.” She burrowed into him. “Thank you for loving me, Tarzan.”
“You’re easy to love.” He kissed her again. His lips were cold, and she realized he wasn’t even wearing a jacket. “You’re freezing!”
“Left in a hurry. Jane, there’s one more thing.”
Her heart stopped at the seriousness in his voice. “Okay . . .”
“I bought a piece of land near the Tahoe Rim Trail.”
She blinked. “Where we—”
He smiled. “Yeah. I think of you every time I drive up there. I’m going to build a house. I’d like it to be our house. Our home.”
A home. That belonged to her and that she belonged to. A permanent place . . . with him. Her heart swelled so that she wasn’t sure how it could possibly still be fitting inside her rib cage. “I’ve never had a house.”
“I know.”
“A home either,” she said. “Though Charlotte’s place is getting pretty close.”
He smiled. “So you’ll have two now, though I hope you’re going to sleep in ours.” He tipped her face up to his. “I’m not telling you this to put any pressure on you or to tie you down in any way. I’m just letting you know. I want you to be mine, Jane. But more than that, I want to be yours, on your terms, however that looks. If it means seeing you during ski season when you’re here working, or if it means flying to visit you wherever you happen to be, I don’t care. I just want to know that we’re each other’s person.”
She stared up at him. “You’d really have come to visit me wherever I was working?”
“Even if it was Mars.”
For some reason, this got her in the feels more than anything else he’d said, and she shook her head. “You deserve more than having to follow me around. And plus, I like the idea of a home base, taking shorter and fewer contracts. And I think I’d like to transfer from the urgent care clinics to the actual hospital. It’s better shifts and more stability.”
He was already shaking his head. “Don’t do that for me, Jane. I don’t want to change anything about you.”
“I’m doing it for me,” she said. “Because I need more of us than a visit here and there. You are my person, Levi. And I’m yours.” She took his hand. “You could stay with me until your place is ready. Unless you’d like to keep sleeping on your parents’ couch?”
He grinned. “So I’ll be a kept man. I like it. Don’t worry, I’ll put out as often as you like.”
She laughed. “How long can I keep you?”
He cupped her face. “How does forever sound?”
Her heart turned over in her chest, exposing its underbelly. “It’s a date.”
Epilogue
Five years later
Jane staggered down the stairs, plopped into a dining room chair, and did gimme hands toward Levi’s coffee mug.
He slid it to her.
She sipped, grateful it was still steaming hot. It also had more cream than coffee, which meant . . . “You made this for me.”
There was a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Sleep well?”
She smiled, scooping up Cat, who’d been winding around her ankles. “When you finally let me go to sleep.”
Levi flashed a grin. “I don’t remember hearing any protests.”
“Not a single one.”
In response to this, he hooked a foot around the leg of her chair and pulled her closer.
Miffed, Cat jumped off, and Levi scooped Jane into his lap, pulling her in for a heart-stopping kiss that had her melting into him.
“Ew.”
They broke apart and looked over at Nicole, their four-year-old daughter, who with the exception of Jane’s own green eyes was the spitting image of her daddy. Their daughter was still in pj’s, wearing—if Jane wasn’t mistaken—syrup. A quick glance around the kitchen told the tale. Waffles had been made. Messily.
“Why do you and Daddy kiss so much?” Nicole wanted to know.
“Because we love each other.”
“Is he your boyfriend?”
“Sort of,” Jane said. “But we’re married, so that also makes him my husband.”
“Did you like kissing him before you were married too?”
She glanced at Levi, who was watching the twenty questions quiz with amusement. “I’ve always liked kissing your daddy.”
“My friend Shelley at school says her mommy thinks my daddy’s hot.�
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Levi choked on the unfortunate sip of coffee he’d just swallowed.
Jane laughed. “I’d have to agree with her.”
Nicole crawled up into Jane’s lap, and as she was still sitting in Levi’s lap, it was a very tight fit. “Do you have to go to work today, Mommy? Can we go sledding down the hill?”
The house that they’d built had a slope in the backyard—perfect for sledding. Jane kissed the tip of Nicole’s cute little nose. “I’m not working today.” She was now employed at the Sunrise Cove hospital and loving it. She’d taken the week off because Mateo had finally talked Charlotte into saying “I do,” and as her best friend’s matron of honor, Jane had a lot to take care of.
But today was all about Nicole. “Sledding sounds perfect. Why don’t you go get ready?”
“Yay!” Nicole leapt down and ran out of the kitchen. They could hear the pitter-patter of her feet moving through the house and presumably into her bedroom. There was the sound of drawers opening and closing as she searched for the sledding gear she’d picked out herself from Cutler Sporting Goods. Cal had been arrested and had done some time, but unfortunately had never paid back a penny. Still, after floundering for a bit, the store was beginning to thrive again on its own merit.
Jane leaned back against Levi’s chest and sighed in pleasure as he dragged his mouth down the side of her neck. “Mmm . . .” she murmured. “You going to work for a little while?”
“No. Thought I’d go sledding with my two favorite girls.”
She twisted around to face him and smiled. “I love you.”
“I love you more.” He leaned into her and was halfway through giving her another heart-stopping kiss when those little feet came running into the kitchen again.
“Daddy! Leave her alone, we’re going sledding!”
Levi gently nudged Jane off his lap and stood to face the sweetest little tyrant they’d ever met. “Can I go too?”
Nicole giggled. “Of course, Daddy. Can Peyton come over and sled with us? And Taylor? I promised my cousins. Oh, and Aunt Tess too! And Grandma and Grandpa! And Auntie Charlotte and Uncle Mateo!”
“Everyone can come.”