by Maya Banks
The knot in her throat grew bigger, as did her panic. Why did the idea of saying the words that had come so naturally just a moment before instill such gut-wrenching fear?
She broke away, twisting in her seat as she gulped for air. Ethan touched her shoulder, tentative and seeking, but she flinched away. She was going to be sick.
“Sam, stop the truck,” Ethan barked.
He caught her arm as Sam veered off the highway. A few seconds later, her door flew open and she surged forward. Sam caught her as her knees buckled and she sank to the ground.
“Deep breaths,” Sam murmured. “Take it easy.”
She shook from head to toe. She was simultaneously hot and cold. Thick sweat soaked her clothing and yet she shivered. Rapid images, harsh and unrelenting, hammered her mind.
Ethan’s face harsh and drawn in anger. Shouting. Demands. Accusations. She covered her ears and shook her head, trying to shut out the ugliness.
“Rachel.”
Ethan’s voice, so far away.
“Rachel, what’s wrong?”
Garrett this time, closer.
“He hates me,” she whispered as tears slipped down her cheeks.
Two sets of arms surrounded her. Hands smoothed her hair back and eased away the tears on her face.
“No one hates you, baby.”
Ethan sounded so fierce, as if he’d single-handedly chase away all her demons.
Slowly the darkness faded away. The voices stopped their assault and the coldness dissipated, leaving warmth.
She sagged, her head falling forward. Strong fingers kneaded her neck while other hands supported her shoulders.
“Let’s get you back in the truck,” Garrett said.
Before she could respond, Ethan picked her up and cradled her close. His chest heaved, and she opened her eyes to see such pain reflected on his face. He looked . . . tortured.
“I’m tired,” she whispered as she leaned her head against his neck.
“Then sleep, baby. I’ll wake you when we get home.”
Ethan ducked into the back and laid her on the seat. He retreated, closing the door, and then walked around to the other side. He climbed in and picked up her head and pillowed it on his lap.
The slamming of the front doors signaled Sam and Garrett getting in, and then came the roar of the engine and the low hum underneath her back as Sam maneuvered back onto the road.
I really am losing my mind. Maybe I already lost it. Maybe I’ll never get it back.
She closed her eyes as more tears gathered and spilled silently down her cheeks.
Ethan watched helplessly as silver, damp trails marked a path over her pale skin. What had she meant? Was she remembering? Was her mind tortured with memories of their marriage? Was she putting it all together so soon?
He hates me.
He wanted to puke. Who had she been talking about? God don’t let it be him. Don’t let her ever think he hated her. He’d die before ever letting her think that even for a moment.
I love you.
The words she’d said so easily to Garrett haunted him. He wanted so desperately to hear them from her lips. Directed at him. Wanted to go back in time to when not a day passed that she didn’t tell him how much she loved him.
But a woman will only go so long putting her heart on the line without getting anything in return. If only he’d just returned them. I love you too, baby. Only in the beginning. Later, he’d nod or even smile. In the end, he didn’t even do that. He’d felt too guilty. The words that were so sweet in the beginning became daggers that slithered insidiously between his ribs and into the vulnerable organs beneath. He’d felt like the worst sort of hypocrite, and so he’d remained silent, until finally she’d stopped saying anything at all.
That had been the worst. He lived each day hoping to hear those words again, only to get angry and resentful when they didn’t come. He punished her for what was his own doing.
“Ethan.”
Ethan looked up to see Sam studying him in the rearview mirror.
Sam sighed. “I wish I knew what to say, man. I know this isn’t easy for you.”
“This isn’t about me,” he gritted out. “It’s about her. It’s all about her. She’s what’s important.”
Sam nodded. “I know that. But you’re hurting too. You’re not a machine. You can’t just shut it off because you don’t want to feel the pain.”
“I can handle anything as long as I get her back,” Ethan said in a low, desperate voice.
At that, Garrett turned, his gaze probing and thoughtful. “You have her back, man. What are you so afraid of?”
Ethan swallowed. Never would he admit to his brothers just how much of a role he’d played in Rachel getting on that plane to South America, how he’d driven her away, rejected her and her love.
How could he possibly ever tell them that what he feared most was losing her . . . again . . . after getting her back?
CHAPTER 16
“ RUSTY is gone!” Marlene said as she waved her hands frantically in front of her.
“Calm down, Mom,” Joe said soothingly.
She shot Joe a fierce glare. “I will not calm down. I’m tired of my sons telling me to calm down.”
“What do you mean she’s gone?” Nathan asked.
Marlene threw her hands up as she surveyed three of her sons as they slouched in her living room. None of them looked like he was in the least concerned that Rusty had run away. Rusty had been quiet since the news had broken of Rachel’s homecoming, but Marlene hadn’t expected her to disappear on the day Rachel was due to arrive.
“I sometimes wonder if all the common sense wasn’t handed out long before you two came along,” she muttered.
Nathan winced. “Ouch, Mom. That wasn’t necessary.”
Donovan cracked up. But before he could issue a snappy comeback, Marlene shut him down with a well-aimed frown.
“I want you all to get your butts up and help me find her. I can’t handle this right now. Rachel is due home anytime now and Rusty is gone.”
“Has it ever occurred to you that she wants to be gone?” Donovan said carefully. “You can’t make her stay, Mom. She’s a troubled kid. You can’t save them all.”
“I don’t care if she wants to be gone, not that I believe she wants to be out on her own for a minute. She needs to have her rear end back in the house. I have no idea what’s happened, but unless I hear it from her own lips, we’re going to treat this as a family member in need. Would you be sitting here arguing if I told you one of your brothers had disappeared? You certainly didn’t waste any time going after Rachel when you learned she was in trouble.”
Nathan scowled and stood up. “Now wait just a minute, Mom. You can’t compare this kid to Rachel. She’s just using you and Dad.”
Marlene’s lips tightened. “I want all three of you out looking for her. Don’t you dare come back without her. I’ll go find your dad and we’ll take the truck. You call me the minute you find her, you hear?”
Joe sighed and rolled his eyes.
“That’s enough disrespect out of you, young man,” she snapped.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said meekly.
They all wore disgruntled looks, but they shoved off the couch and headed out the front door.
Nathan climbed into his Dodge truck and gave his brothers a look of resigned sympathy out his window as they climbed into their vehicles. When Mom got off on one of her tangents, there was no escaping. She’d turn Stewart County upside down looking for this Rusty girl.
He backed out of the drive and headed west. He’d take the county roads that paralleled the lake, and he’d leave Dover to his brothers.
He drove a little faster than was necessary, but impatience flared in him. He was much more interested in hearing that Ethan and Rachel had gotten home, and he was eager to see Garrett and get a report. He couldn’t very well do that when he was off on some fool’s errand for his misguided mother.
That wasn’t entirely fair
, he supposed, but his irritation didn’t allow for more charitable thoughts. She had the softest heart of anyone he knew. Too soft. And once she decided something, nothing and no one was going to change it.
For half an hour he took winding paths off of 232 and then doubled back as he continued farther south along the lake. He’d just crossed Leatherwood Creek when he rounded the bend and saw a lone figure walking down the side of the highway. Rusty.
He slowed and rolled down the passenger window as he came up on her. She glanced warily over at him when he pulled up alongside her, and then she stiffened when she recognized him.
“Any particular reason you’re walking by yourself down the highway when my mother is about to lose her mind worrying over you?” he snapped.
She stared straight ahead and kept walking, her shoulders stiff and her jaw set.
“She doesn’t care about me,” Rusty muttered.
“Oh, really. I suppose that’s why she took you in, fed you, clothed you, gave you a place to stay and is generally making the rest of us insane demanding that we accept you, not say a damn word to you and all get out looking for you right now when we’d rather be focused on Rachel’s homecoming.”
She came to an abrupt stop, her lips curling into a snarl. “Rachel. I’m so sick of hearing about Rachel. Rachel is so wonderful. ‘The daughter of my heart.’ Everyone loves Rachel. Marlene has no need of me now that her real daughter is back.”
Despite his irritation, Nathan softened as he stared at the girl. She was hurting, and she was doing everything in her power not to let him see how much she was hurting.
“Get in,” he said.
She shook her head.
“Come on. We’ll go for a drive. If you don’t want to go home yet, we’ll just drive.”
She hesitated, and her lips trembled. He reached over and opened the door, shoving it outward. She gave a deep sigh and climbed into the passenger seat.
“Seat belt,” he said patiently.
She scowled but slapped the seat belt around her and clicked it into place.
He drove on down the highway, so she would know he wasn’t taking her home right away.
“Now, suppose you tell me why you’d think something so wonderful as Rachel coming home to us would change the way my mom feels about you?”
“I’m nobody,” she said sullenly. “Just someone your mom felt sorry for. She was feeling sad because of Rachel, and I guess she thought I could fill in.”
“And she told you this?”
Rusty hesitated. “Um no.”
“Maybe you overheard it.”
Again she shook her head, scowling as she got where he was heading with this.
“Or maybe my mom’s done something to make you think she’s not very sincere and she enjoys jerking around teenage girls who are in trouble.”
“You know she hasn’t,” Rusty muttered.
“Hmm, okay, well I’m out of guesses. Maybe you ought to just tell me. Guys can be slow.”
She was silent for a long time as she studied her hands in her lap. “I just thought . . . I assumed that since Rachel was coming back that she wouldn’t want me anymore.”
Nathan reached over and took her hand, ignoring her flinch of surprise. “I understand why you might have felt that way. But one thing you need to understand is my mother’s limitless capacity for caring. She taught school for years, and she can still tell you the names of every student who ever came through her classroom.”
He gave a light chuckle. “For that matter, try being her youngest child with five older brothers. If anyone ought to feel left out and overlooked, you’d think it would be me. But somehow she manages to make every one of us feel special, like we’re the only person in the world who matters to her. Don’t get me wrong. She’s not a pushover, and when she sets her mind to something, she’s like an alligator with fresh meat.”
Her lips trembled, and she pulled her hand away from his. “I’m not used to anyone giving a damn.”
“Well, maybe it’s time you got used to it,” he said simply.
Her lips twisted again as apparently she roused her defenses. “What do you care? You and your brothers don’t like me. You’d prefer I go anyway.”
“This isn’t about me or my brothers, so don’t make it so. My mother cares about you. We don’t know you. Are we concerned that you’re taking advantage of our mother? Hell yeah. And you can bet we’ll be watching your ass, and if you make one wrong step, we’ll be on you like a duck on a June bug. But as long as you don’t screw up, you don’t have anything to worry about.”
“Are you saying you want me to go back?” she asked suspiciously.
He sighed. “Quit twisting my words and buck up, Rusty. You’re capable of making your own decisions and taking responsibility for them. If you want to go back, then quit wasting both our time and say the word. I’ll take you home, no questions asked. If you don’t want to go, then fine, but you’re going to tell my mother that to her face instead of slinking off like an ungrateful coward.”
Her mouth rounded in shock, and then unexpectedly she smiled, and it transformed her entire face. Replacing the sullen, defeated look was a young, vibrant girl who was actually quite pretty.
“I like people who don’t lie and say it like it is.”
Nathan chuckled. “Then you should get along with the Kelly clan just fine. Now, are we going home or not?”
A sparkle lit her eyes, and she looked . . . hopeful. Excited even. Then as suddenly as happiness had fired, the flame died and she looked apprehensively at him.
“Are you sure? I mean are you sure she wants me?”
He stared at her a long time and gave thanks that he had never had to feel unwanted in his life. “Yeah, Rusty. I’m sure.”
CHAPTER 17
RACHEL eyed the house from the window of the SUV as Sam came to a stop in the circle drive. She waited for recognition to hit her, but she stared numbly as if it were someone else’s house. Not her own.
It was a beautiful house, and she could certainly see it as a place she would have loved. A cypress log house with a rustic front porch complete with swing and potted ferns.
Ethan had told her that they didn’t live very far from the lake.
“How long did we live here?” she whispered.
“Three years,” Ethan replied. “We moved in right after our honeymoon.”
She cocked her head to the side and stared curiously at him. “Where did we go on our honeymoon?”
He looked momentarily surprised and then he smiled, warmth flooding his eyes. “We went to Jamaica and spent a week on the beach. I don’t think you ever wore much more than a bikini the entire time we were there.”
A hot flush stole over her cheeks, and she ducked her head.
“Ready?” he asked solemnly.
She took a deep breath and nodded. He opened the door and stepped out and then reached back to offer her his hand. She slid her fingers into his, and let him pull her from the vehicle. Sam and Garrett had already gotten out and were standing in the walkway to the front door.
She didn’t realize how badly she was shaking until Ethan wrapped an arm around her to steady her as they walked by his brothers.
“Do you want us to stay, Ethan?” Sam murmured.
Ethan paused at the steps to the front door and tightened his grip around her waist. “No, we’ll be fine. Tell Mom I’ll call her later.”
“Okay, man. Let us know if you need anything.” Sam slapped Ethan on the back and started back toward the truck.
Garrett hesitated a second then reached out to touch her shoulder. “Take care, sweet pea.”
She wrenched away from Ethan and threw her arms around Garrett’s waist. He stepped back in surprise but then curled his arms around her and returned her hug.
“You’ll be back, won’t you?” she whispered.
“I’ll never be far,” he murmured. “If you ever need me, I’ll be here. Promise.”
Reluctantly she freed herself from hi
s embrace. Garrett smiled down at her and then turned to his brother.
“Holler if you need anything.”
“We’ll be fine,” Ethan said softly.
Garrett ambled down the walk and climbed into the truck next to Sam. They both offered a wave as they drove away from the house.
“Okay?” Ethan asked as he turned to the door.
She stared up the steps, almost dreading what was inside. Why did it scare her so badly? Why was she such a coward?
“Let’s do it,” she said.
Ethan put the key into the lock and opened the door. Cool air blew over her face as they stepped inside. She braced herself for the surge of memories, but as she moved farther into the interior, she was only struck by the feeling of unfamiliarity.
Her hands crept up her arms and she rubbed absently as her gaze traveled the living room. It seemed so . . . quiet. Uncluttered. Still even. Calm was reflected in the decoration, from the piano catty-corner to the stone fireplace, to the framed art hanging on the walls.
How could this house be hers when every part of her mind screamed chaos?
“Baby? Are you all right?”
Ethan touched her arm, and she jerked from her perusal of the room.
“I-I’m fine.”
“Anything seem familiar?”
She shook her head, precariously close to running as hard and as fast from the house as she could.
“What’s bothering you?” he asked gently.
She turned in a tight circle. The walls, the furnishings seemed to close in on her and mock her. They called her a fraud and told her she didn’t belong.
“Are you sure I belong here?”
“Come here,” he said as he pulled her into his arms. He held her tightly, resting his chin on top of her head. “You belong wherever I am. You belong with me. Always. I know this has to be overwhelming for you, but we’ll get past it. Just promise me that when something frightens you that you’ll tell me so I can make it better.”
She squeezed him, holding on as tight as she could. She inhaled his scent and felt the steady, reassuring beat of his heart against her cheek. They could do this. She could do this.