When Mateo leans in for a kiss, I reluctantly allow it, praying it will wipe away my memories of Dax. My heart is racing when his warm lips meet mine, gently pressing against them. He doesn’t deepen it or push for more, yet it feels wrong. Too intimate. Too…different.
Mateo is the only man I’ve ever kissed besides Dax. Even though it was ages ago it feels as if I’m cheating.
Mateo pulls back, his eyelids heavy with desire. His pupils are wide and his cheeks are flushed. I can tell he wants more, but thankfully, he’s too kind to push. Instead, he steps back, releasing me. “Good night, Kate. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I nod before turning to fumble with the lock. Once inside I bolt for the lifts and say a silent thank you when a set of doors immediately opens. Inside, I slump against the wall, fighting to keep back the tears.
I’m afraid. Afraid that Mateo will have expectations of things I can’t give him. Afraid I’ll never be able to love anyone but Dax. Afraid I’ll be alone forever because I can’t move on from a man who was never mine. Most of all, I’m afraid that my opportunity to be happy has come and gone and no matter how hard I try to forget Dax, I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life.
Dax
Sweat drips off of my neck, trickling down between my shoulder blades. Los Angeles is a bloody nightmare of a city. It’s hot and sunny all the damn time, which wouldn’t be so bad if there were decent public transportation. But after spending an hour and a half making two bus changes to get to the UCLA campus, I’m pretty much done with the heat and the traffic.
It takes me another thirty minutes to cross campus to the section with student housing. A piercing ring startles me right as I stop in front of Hedrick Summit, a tall dormitory on the far side of the university property. Groaning, I fish my mobile out of my pocket.
“Yeah?”
“Dax? Where are you man?”
Jesus, Adam sounds like bloody fucking hell. Again. “Adam, I told you yesterday that I was going to see if I could find Kate at UCLA.”
His rough voice crackles through the phone. “Oh. I don’t remember.”
Of course he doesn’t remember. He’s always on a piss up these days. After Ellie broke up with him this summer for absolutely no reason, he’s been self-destructive times a thousand, finding peace in an endless supply of blondes and booze. Not that I’m one to talk. I was so angry and frustrated when Kate caught me getting head at the club that I flipped out the next day and attacked Adam’s wanker of a dad—forcing Adam and me to leave the U.K. six weeks ahead of schedule.
“What do you need, Adam?”
“Ummmm, I can’t remember, really. I woke up and everyone was gone. Where are Hawke and Gavin?”
My patience is wearing thin. Adam’s my best mate and I’d do anything for him, but being his nanny isn’t exactly my idea of a good time.
“I don’t know. They didn’t ask me for permission to leave the flat. Get cleaned up and eat something for Christ’s sake. We have a gig tonight. I’ll be back in a few hours.” Sighing, I rein in my anger, easily trapping my emotions inside where they can fester with everything else in my life that I’ve repressed under my dad’s tutelage.
I snap the mobile closed and stuff it in my pocket. Hawke’s uncle, Ross Evans, is now our manager. He gave each of us a mobile to keep in touch in case he needs us for anything. For me, it’s become a tether to my fragile best mate.
“Room 1425,” I say to myself, trying to work up the nerve to walk inside the looming building. Students bound up the stairs past me, laughing and chatting like the world isn’t about to implode. For some reason, I have to make things right with Kate. I have to see her again.
Ever since Kate refused to speak to me after that night at the fight club, I’ve been a miserable bastard. She literally caught me with my pants down and my reward sucking me off in the locker room
Dad’s theory that withholding sexual release from us before a fight made us quick-tempered enough to step into the ring. But the promise of a whore to suck us off and rid us of the frustration after? That’s what made us determined to win. It pissed me off that he taught us that way, but it pissed me off even more to know that he was right.
I nearly took Shaun’s head off when he admitted to letting Kate and her friend into the club. In fact, he was the one who directed them to the locker room. To this day, when I think about it, every bit of rage I felt that night comes flooding back.
“Shaun, you useless fucking twat! Why’d you let them back here?” I storm out of the locker room, exchanging embarrassment and shame for red-tinged fury.
My brother’s dark eyes narrow as he folds his muscular arms over his chest. “I thought they were your reward. You know, a twofer.”
I come to an abrupt halt, my mouth gaping open in shock. “You what?” He thought Kate was a whore?
“They were all tarted up like a couple of slags. How was I supposed to know?” He shrugs as if it were no big deal to accuse Kate of being one of dad’s hookers.
Those words cause my vision to go completely red and I fucking snap, lunging for my brother. I know the only reason I get one solid punch in is because Shaun isn’t expecting my attack. My right fist connects with his face with a satisfying crunch. His head snaps back and he tumbles to the concrete floor. Quick as a snake, Shaun is back on his feet, his eyes flashing with fury as he wipes a trickle of blood from his lip with the back of his hand.
Shaun spits blood onto the ground and raises his fists. “C’mon little brother. I’ll give you that one hit, but you want another you’re going to have to earn it.”
Shaun is the most dangerous of my brothers, lethal and indifferent. Right now, I could give a shit. I leap at him, determined to take out my devastation on his ass. The pain inside of me is so acute, that I don’t feel anything as we exchange hard blows. When his fists or feet connect with my body, it’s as if I’m numb. My mind goes somewhere else, watching from afar. An unseen force must be controlling my actions, because something fragile inside me has snapped. The next thing I know, Ethan has his arm around me in a chokehold and Liam has Shaun.
“Fuck you! Let me go!” I gasp, struggling to get out of the tight hold Ethan has me in.
Shaun is somewhat calmer than me, but not much. Then again, he’s not having his air cut off. Liam lets go of his arms, whispering something to get Shaun to back off.
“Dax, stop.” Ethan is still trying to reason with me as I buck against his tight grip.
“Fuck off, Ethan! He ruined it for me! He fucking ruined everything!” I wheeze.
“What are you talking about?” Ethan asks, still holding me back as I tussle to get at Shaun and to breathe.
“Kate! That’s what! He cocked up my only chance with her!” Shaun smirks from behind Liam. I scream in fury at him taking pleasure in crushing what little light I had in my dark soul. “I’ll fucking kill you!”
“Come off it, Dax,” Shaun says, that motherfucking smirk still on his face. I’d love to punch it right off for him. “You can’t have a girlfriend and you know it. Dad won’t allow it. He knows if we get regular pussy we won’t want to fight. That’s the whole point of the fucking reward, you stupid tosser.”
I know he’s right but he can sod off. Shaun doesn’t know I’m planning to get out of here, that Adam and I are going to leave for America with Hawke and Gavin to further the band. That Kate and Ellie are going with us and I had every intention of pursuing something with her once we were gone. None of them know. Dad would lose it if I told him I wasn’t staying to work for him.
Living here, in this shithole? This isn’t my dream. Fighting for the next twenty years? I’d rather be dead. It feels as if an important part of my future has slipped through my fingers tonight.
The anger bleeds out of me at the reality of my situation. I’m defeated. Lost. Without a purpose. I’d always claimed my rewards proudly. I’d earned it, it felt good, and no one was hurt so what did it matter? Today, after seeing the look on Kate’s face, I realized too lat
e that someone was hurt, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
It’s better this way. I’m no good for a girl like Kate. All I’d do is corrupt something good and pure. I’ll suffer now to spare her from the pain I would eventually cause.
It takes a minute to relax my fists at the unwelcome memory. By the time I reach the 14th floor, I’m more agitated than angry—scared to see that hurt in Kate’s eyes again. The hurt I put there. It replays over and over again in my mind, haunting me since that day.
I need to do this to take back control, to push out these obsessive thoughts so I can focus on my music. Room 1425 stares me in the face. Holding my breath, I file away my emotions, put up my hand and knock.
“Why hello gorgeous.”
A small, bleached blonde girl in an impossibly tiny shirt and shorts is standing in the doorway, giving me a look I can only describe as lewd. Lewd to the point of uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I actually drag a hand across my chest to make sure I’m wearing clothes.
Clearing my throat, I manage to speak. “Is Kate in?”
The girl’s eyes go wide. “You’re British! Oh. My. God. Tall, gorgeous, and a sexy accent? My, oh my…” She licks her lips and gives me another once over. Christ, this girl is eye-fucking me and doesn’t care if I know it!
“Ummmm, right. So… is Kate here? This is her flat, yeah?”
The blonde giggles, placing her small hand on my chest. I tense up under her touch. If I’ve learned one thing about girls in L.A. it’s that they have no sense of decency. There is no such thing as self-respect or personal space here. Cold, emotionless Dax rears his ugly head, ready to put this girl in her place.
“Kate’s not in. I’m her roommate, Lila. She didn’t mention anyone stopping by.” Her tongue wets her lips in what is likely supposed to be a seductive move. Yeah, she’s fit and all, but my mind isn’t on her or what she could give me. I want to see Kate.
I let out a huge sigh. I can’t be a bastard to Kate’s flatmate. Instead, I gently remove Lila’s hand from where it still rests on my chest. “Do you have a marker pen? I want to leave my mobile number for her.”
“Hmmmm,” she taps her tooth with a pink polished fingernail. “Do I get your number too, big guy?”
The shock I feel at her blatant come on is tough to keep from showing on my face. My irritation must be obvious because Lila backs off, but only a little. Desire is still evident in her eyes. “Fine, fine,” she gives me an odd smile and waves her hand as if I’m already forgotten and she’s moved on to her next potential conquest. “Here.” Lila hands me a pen and paper. I scratch down my number and hand it back.
“Thanks. Please, it’s important. We’re mates from back home and I haven’t seen her in a while.” I try pleading to Lila’s sympathies, praying she’ll make sure Kate gets the number.
Lila’s hungry expression returns, “Sure you don’t want to come in for a few minutes?”
I go rigid, beginning to get more than merely annoyed by Kate’s pushy tart of a flatmate. “No, I’m quite sure. I have to meet my mates in a bit.”
Lila narrows her eyes into a sly glare. “Oh, well then, no problem…” she glances down at the paper in her hand, “Dax. I’ll make sure she gets it.”
I nod woodenly, wondering if she’ll actually give my number to Kate or if she’ll ‘lose’ it in a jealous bid to keep Kate away from the bloke who turned her down.
Fuck if I know. I’m more worried that if Lila does give Kate my number, Kate won’t use it. If Ellie, who was so obviously in love with Adam, could be so cold and heartless as to break up with him over the phone for no reason, I have no doubt in my mind that Kate might have shut me out for good as well.
After seeing Adam’s downward spiral after Ellie and the hurt in Kate’s eyes that night, I don’t know if I can live with that.
Kate
I fiddle with the edge of my textbook, worrying it until it tears off in my hand. This past summer, while traveling Europe with an international girl’s footy team, I was able to tuck Dax into a tight compartment in the back of my mind, forgetting everything about him. Well, not forgetting, exactly. The memory of Dax sits heavy on me every minute of every day. I remember every second I spent with him, his scent, the taste of his mouth taking mine, the feel of his rough hands on my skin.
Knowing we’re in the same city has made it all that more difficult to keep those memories locked away. Even the few dates I went on with Mateo haven’t lessened my fixation. I told him I needed to focus on school and the team and didn’t have time to date. He seemed to accept my need to stay as friends, but it’s still awkward to be around him.
It’s not healthy, the way I let thoughts of Dax dictate my actions even though I haven’t spoken to him in months. Dax is completely wrong for me—dangerous, heartless—he’d leave me broken with no one to help pick up the pieces.
Mateo is perfect. We have the same interests, the same goals, and he isn’t a cold, heartless bastard without any regard for anyone but himself. Yet when I’m with Mateo in a romantic setting I feel restless, like my skin is too tight, squeezing around my chest and making it hard to breathe.
Now, I have to face my fears.
After speaking with my mum last night, I found out Ellie’s dad died a few months back and her mum moved away from Hackney. Now I have no choice but to surprise the guys at one of their shows so I can talk to her. I can’t find Ellie on campus, the school won’t tell me where she’s living, and I have no way of contacting Adam. I’m well aware that the best way to find her is to find him. And wherever Adam is, Dax will be as well.
Chickening out on having to deal with Dax back in the U.K. after that horrible scene at the fight club was a mistake that now looms over me. It’s somehow grown into a much larger problem than it would have been had we discussed it immediately. Instead, I chose to shut him out completely, refusing to even speak to him or acknowledge his presence.
It wasn’t fair really. He wasn’t my boyfriend and didn’t owe me a thing. My heart however, just couldn’t take any more pain watching him shag girl after girl. I needed to distance myself so I could move on.
Unfortunately, time and distance haven’t helped at all.
Resigned, I log onto the shabby second-hand laptop my parents scraped together to purchase as a going away present, and go about finding where their next gig will be.
Tomorrow night at the Viper Room.
I figure I can borrow a friend’s I.D. and be at that club after the show.
Stupid U.S. and their drinking age of twenty-one.
Hopefully, I can deal with Adam and not have to see Dax. That’s nothing but wishful thinking and denial, I know. I try not to remember my time with Dax, good or bad, but I can’t help it. In a few short months, we went from hardly knowing one another to good friends, to nothing. I’m not about to lose Ellie because I’m afraid of dealing with Dax.
My best mate has been through so much and I wasn’t able to be there for her. I’ll be damned if I’m not going to be there for Ellie now, even if it means diving straight into shark infested waters and having my heart ripped right from my chest.
* * *
I nervously run a hand through my hair for the millionth time since leaving my flat to take the bus to the bar down off of Santa Monica Boulevard. Why I care what I look like, I don’t know. I shouldn’t care. It’s not healthy to still care. This whole sodding ten-year fixation on Dax fucking Davies isn’t healthy yet here I am, obsessing again.
My fake I.D. doesn’t even make the bouncer at the Viper Room blink. He simply glances at it and hands it back. When I walk into the crowded club, the first thing that hits me is the overwhelming excitement buzzing through the crowd. Sphere of Irony is the headlining act tonight and it’s late, so the band is already on stage. I hadn’t realized they were so popular, having been avoiding looking them up for fear of feeding my Dax addiction.
The band got to L.A. in April and it’s only September. Despite the small time frame, it seems they’
ve got quite the following already. Girls in skimpy dresses and how-can-you-possibly-walk heels are everywhere, crowding around the stage area, their lustful eyes fixed on the guys as they play. The memory of Willa setting her sights set on Dax hits me smack in the face.
I shudder in revulsion.
See Kate? It’s better you didn’t get involved with him.
There’s no way I would have been able to handle this—the girls, the clubs, the crowd—all of them wanting a piece of Dax. It’s too far out of my comfort zone. Hell, I’m just a footy-playing tomboy, not a fuck-me heel wearing groupie.
Unfortunately, old habits die hard. I can’t keep my eyes off of the man I used to know. I’m drawn to the stage like a moth to a flame. He looks good, really really good. Dax’s large hands effortlessly move across the strings of his guitar, playing a song I recognize from back home. His dark blonde hair is thick and tousled, no longer in the near-military short cut he used to wear.
Unchanged are his huge muscles, his intimidating presence, that flicker of danger in his eyes… he looks just as threatening as always. Only, I know that this isn’t the real Dax. The real Dax is kind, thoughtful, and fiercely protective of anyone he cares about—if he lets you in, which, chances are he won’t. For a moment, I wish I could see through that false front he puts up to keep people away.
How can I miss someone so much, yet he was never really mine?
Blessedly, the show ends and the band leaves the stage. Watching them brings back too many memories. Unfortunately, my own personal torture has just begun. I have to find Ellie. Without a doubt, I’ll willingly put my heart on the line for my best mate. I haven’t heard a word from her in four months and since my parents said her mum moved and changed her number, Adam is my only link. If that means coming face to face with Dax Davies, then so be it.
Elbowing my way through the crowd of tarted up groupies is easy with my football skills. I effortlessly slide up to the backstage area, which is protected by a large man, attempting to look intimidating. He doesn’t scare me. Not after dealing with Dax and his brother, Mr. Big and Creepy, at the fight club in Hackney.