“Fine. Then there’s something else you need to know, and you’re not going to like it.”
“Tell me,” I breathed, my breath hitching. This had to be the unspoken issue I’d been feeling between us. It wasn’t just paranoia—he had been holding something back!
Adrian stared at me, his fists clenching and unclenching as if he were fighting a terrible inner battle.
“The truth is...” He stopped, took a deep breath, then said the next part in a rush. “You can’t beat the demons, Ivy, no matter what. You closed their realms off for now, but demons don’t age or die of natural causes, so they’ll just wait until the realm walls eventually weaken and the gateways reopen. When that happens, they’ll go back to enslaving humans and making more minions, so even if you find and wield the spearhead, they still win.”
I stared at him, my jaw feeling like it had dropped into my chest. “You can’t believe that.”
His gaze hardened until his eyes resembled silver-encrusted sapphires. “I lived with demons for over a hundred years. Yeah, some want to kill you because you murdered hundreds of their kind, but most demons aren’t sentimental. Hunting you puts them at risk, since you have a weapon that can kill them. But leaving you alone only costs them their current slaves if you succeed with the spearhead, and none of them think you will.”
He didn’t say it, but I could hear, And neither do I, in the silence that followed. I’d always known that my chances weren’t good, but I hadn’t given up hope that somehow I’d pull off saving those trapped people. Had I only been fooling myself by training to build up my strength? Had it all been a waste of time because I never stood a chance? And was it pointless anyway because, no matter what, the demons would win in the end?
“Thanks for telling me this,” I said in a very calm tone. “Now, I’m going to get dressed and check on Brutus.” I’d been intending to do that anyway, and after these revelations, I needed to be by myself.
Adrian’s hands closed over my shoulders. “Ivy, wait—”
“It’s okay,” I said, shaking him off. “You told me the truth, and I’m glad. I just need a little time to let it sink in. Come on, we’re on a train, so you know I’m not going anywhere. Besides, you’re not the only one who’s allowed to storm off to be brooding and moody.”
He didn’t smile at my halfhearted attempt at humor. “Fine,” he said, moving so he no longer blocked the small door. “Take as long as you need.”
CHAPTER TEN
BRUTUS SEEMED TO love being in the luggage car of the train. It had no windows, so he wouldn’t have had to hide from the sun during the day, and he’d perched himself on top of a pile of soft-sided luggage like a king on a throne. Add that to the large cooler full of raw meat that Adrian had left for him, and I could see trains becoming the gargoyle’s preferred mode of travel.
I spent about fifteen minutes with Brutus, petting him and praising him while my mind was a million miles away. Then I left the luggage car, but I didn’t head back to my cabin. I was still too upset. My new, overwhelming sense of futility was now matched by an anger darker than I’d ever felt.
What was the point in my bio mother going through all that pain to give me up, if I wouldn’t be safe like she’d been promised? What was the point in breaking Adrian’s heart by dying trying to wield a weapon that would probably kill me long before I was able to free the trapped humans? Worse, what was the point in anything I’d done? I’d closed the realms, but as I now knew, that only amounted to a “pause” button for the demons in those worlds. As for the ones in this world, thanks to cursed earth, they could wait it out. Then they’d be right back to enslaving and killing humans, and everything I’d done to stop them would be no more than a punch line on my deluded, very short life.
Perhaps worst of all, I was endangering everyone I loved to keep looking for a weapon I might never find. It was one thing when I thought we were searching for the spearhead in a demon-free world. Now I knew that demons could pounce around any corner. How could I do that to my sister and Costa, who’d already suffered too much at demons’ hands? How could I do that to Adrian, who’d nearly died more times than I could count in these quests? I wasn’t risking only my life by searching for the spearhead—I was risking all of theirs, and the deck was more stacked against us than I’d realized.
Besides, if anything happened to Adrian or my sister, it would break me. Then I wouldn’t be able to keep looking for the spearhead anyway. But would I really not stop until one or both of them were dead? How could I do that to people I loved?
I was so engrossed in my thoughts, I didn’t think anything of the young man I passed on my way through the dining car until he touched my hand. Startled, I jerked away, only then registering the familiar faded blue hoodie he wore. He tipped it back, revealing close-cropped black hair, dark brown skin, handsome features and brown eyes. Nothing remarkable, unless you looked into his eyes. Then you’d feel what it was like to have a real-life celestial being see past all your defenses and stare straight into your soul.
“Hi, Zach,” I said, wondering why I was surprised to see him. Didn’t he always show up at pivotal points in my life? If I’d been thinking things through, I would have expected him.
“Ivy,” he greeted me, glancing at the seat across from him. “Won’t you have a seat?”
“Ooh, asking me to do something instead of ordering me,” I remarked, sounding flippant even though I felt anything but. “What’s with the new niceness?”
The faintest twitch touched his mouth, his version of a full-fledged grin. “You must have grown on me,” he said dryly.
I batted my lashes. Being a smartass was better than what I was feeling now. “Stop with the compliments. You’re making me blush.”
There was the look I was used to: half censure, half annoyance. “I am not here for meaningless banter. I’ve come to see if you’ve chosen to abandon your pursuit of the spearhead.”
That was right to the point. Normally, Zach was as cryptic as the day was long. “You’ve been here long enough to read my mind, haven’t you?” Mind reading was one of his talents as an Archon, and he had never shied away from doing it before. “Or did your ‘boss’ tell you that I was reconsidering this quest?”
His shoulder lifted in a half shrug. “Does it matter?”
“Not really,” I said, and sat down. I hadn’t wanted to finalize such a momentous decision right now, but when had life ever waited until I was ready? “Is Adrian right?” I asked, meeting Zach’s piercing gaze. “Will demons just reopen shop again eventually?”
“Of course.” Not only was there no sympathy in his tone, it actually had a faint tinge of amusement. “Did you really believe that you, a human, could defeat all the dark legions of the underworld permanently?”
Put like that, it did sound delusional, but I hadn’t thought I’d be able to kill them all or anything grandiose like that. My big hope had been to save the humans still trapped in the demon realms while also keeping others from ever being enslaved or killed by demons again. That had been worth dying for, but this?
“So what’s the point of me risking everyone’s lives to hunt for a spearhead that—in all likelihood—will kill me, if everything is only going to go back to horrible demonic normal one day anyway?”
Zach leaned forward. Tiny lights seemed to glow in the dark depths of his gaze as he stared at me. “Your best-case scenario was only ever to possibly free the thousands still trapped in the demon realms, if you found the final hallowed weapon. Not to defeat the demons or keep them from ever harming people again. That is a fight for Archons, not humans.”
“Let’s talk about that, too,” I said, gripping the side of the table so hard, my hands hurt. Still, better to feel physical pain than the hurt frothing inside me. “No one thinks I’ll be able to free the humans even if I do find and wield the spearhead. They think I’ll drop ov
er dead as soon as I touch it. You just said ‘possibly’ free them, so you sound doubtful, too. Well? Am I strong enough to do it or not?”
Zach didn’t say anything. My anger grew, a welcoming balm over the pain.
“I’m going to die for nothing, aren’t I?” I said sharply. “And you don’t care, because you’re an Archon and humans are like ants to you, but Adrian cares. It ripped my heart out when I thought he was dying earlier, yet you want me to rip his out by dying in this quest because Davidians are supposed to die for their destinies, right?”
Again Zach said nothing. He wasn’t denying any of this, and since Archons couldn’t lie, not denying it was the same as admitting it.
A toddler suddenly scrambled out of her chair and darted over, tugging on my pants and saying, “Up!” with adorable demand. Almost as quickly, her mother ran over and swept her up.
“So sorry,” she said, then grabbed those chubby little hands before they could snatch at my hair.
I stared at the little girl. Her eyes were brown, not hazel like mine, but for a moment, I could see myself as this child. Except by the time I’d been her age, my mother had been forced to abandon me.
The dream with all its agony roared to the forefront. I barely noticed the woman leaving with her little girl. All my attention was on Zach. He hadn’t moved. Neither had I, except for my hands. They felt like they’d left indentions in the table that I was gripping as if my life depended on it.
“What about my mother?” My voice was thick with everything she’d felt that day. “Did this destiny kill her, too? Or what about my bio father? Did he have to watch her die the way you expect Adrian to watch me die?”
“Your biological father was murdered by minions years before your mother’s death,” Zach replied with infuriating coolness. “And your mother took her own life.”
I closed my eyes, my breath hitching between a gasp and a sob. I’d known that she and all her blood relatives must be dead, but I’d hoped...what? That somewhere in this world, I still had family? How naive of me. Anyone close to a Davidian was a demon target. It should come as no surprise that my bio father had been murdered. My adoptive parents had been murdered, too. Now I had no one left except for Adrian, Jasmine and Costa, yet if I continued on this quest in a world still filled with demons, they might get murdered, too.
“Tell me it’s not all for nothing,” I said, opening my eyes and staring at Zach. “Tell me that if I use the spearhead, I will save those people. Tell me, or I am walking away from this. I refuse to sacrifice one more person for a destiny I didn’t ask for, or a quest I have no chance at succeeding at.”
“I will not tell you,” Zach said, his brown gaze turning hard. “You do not get to demand answers in advance of efforts. Either continue without knowing your quest’s resolution, or do not. The choice, as always, is yours.”
I let go of the table to bang my fists on it. “You call that a choice?”
“It is,” he said, steel coating his words now. “In fact, it is a choice at its most unbiased.”
My anger rose again, dark and deep. Did he really think I was like him? That I’d blindly obey “orders” without question or care about how it affected those I loved? “Then I choose to take my chances living instead of dying,” I said, rising from the table. “That means this is goodbye.”
He said nothing for so long, I thought he was waiting for me to leave. I started to, then I felt his hand on my arm. When I looked down at him, I expected to see anger, condemnation or his usual Archon smugness in his gaze. Instead, I saw pity, disappointment and an utter lack of surprise.
“Then this is goodbye,” Zach agreed softly.
I nodded, looking away to swipe at a tear that appeared for no reason. When I glanced back, Zach had disappeared. No one else in the dining car seemed to notice that a passenger had suddenly vanished into thin air, either. They were all too busy living their own lives, as I’d decided to do.
More tears escaped. Why did I suddenly feel bad about this? No matter Zach’s claims, he’d left me no real choice. Hadn’t I saved enough lives despite the risk to myself? It was thanks to me that most demons were locked out of our world now! Otherwise, the realm walls would have continued to crumble, and I’d seen firsthand how horrifying it was to have one of their worlds spill out into ours. Now no one would have to worry about that happening for a long, long time. Shouldn’t that alone have earned me the right to a little happiness?
It did, I decided, brushing back my tears. In fact, I’d probably saved millions of lives by sealing off the realms. I would’ve kept trying to save more, too, if Zach hadn’t arrogantly refused to tell me if I had a real chance at freeing those trapped in the realms. Why should I be the one feeling guilty? All I’d asked for was the knowledge that I wouldn’t be risking my life and everyone else’s for nothing—
Agony shot up my right arm, forcing a scream from me. Demon! I thought, expecting to see the tattoo turning a warning gold color. Yet aside from the awful burn that felt like it went straight through to my bones, the tattoo looked the same.
Then, to my shock, the braided rope etching began to fade. I grabbed it as if by doing so I could stop it from disappearing, but even as I snatched and pulled at my skin, the ancient, hallowed sling continued to dissipate, until finally, it vanished from sight. When another spine-deep pain ripped through me from shoulder to ankle, bringing me to my knees from the intensity of the invisible blow, I ripped open my blouse with a combination of agony and desperation.
The gnarled wooden outline of the staff that had marked the entire right side of my body since I’d wielded it was now fading, too. As I watched in disbelief, it disappeared until nothing but smooth skin remained. When it vanished, so did the pain, leaving me staring at my body with a stunned sort of understanding.
I’d chosen to renounce my destiny, so the hallowed weapons that had merged with my flesh had apparently chosen to renounce me.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
NO ONE ELSE around me cared that I’d experienced a supernatural and existential crisis. That was clear when the nearest train attendant grabbed me, keeping me on the floor while calling out for help. He probably thought I was having a psychotic breakdown. That would be the most logical explanation for someone suddenly screaming and tearing open her blouse in the middle of the dining car, and if he’d known my mental health history, he would have really believed that.
Since I didn’t want to experience Europe’s version of a padded cell, I quickly fabricated a story about being allergic to bees and saying I’d thought one had gotten inside my blouse. Not the most ingenious excuse, but luckily, the attendant spoke English, and my story was enough to stop them from continuing to restrain me. I was in the middle of getting up and apologizing to everyone when Adrian stormed into the dining car.
“I heard you scream. What happened?” he demanded.
I held my torn blouse together with one hand and patted him with the other. “Nothing. I thought I saw a bee, and I panicked. You know how allergic I am.”
He pulled me close, his gaze flicking around in a predatory manner. He knew I was lying, so he was coiled and ready to attack.
I couldn’t tell him what had really happened here, so I tugged him toward the back of the dining car. “I’m so embarrassed. Let’s just go back to our cabin now.”
He glanced down—and froze. A hiss escaped him as he stared at the newly blank skin on my right hand. “Ivy—”
“Cabin. Please,” I repeated, tugging him harder.
He grasped my hand and walked out of the dining car. I had to nearly run to keep up with his rapid strides, not that I minded. I wanted to get away from all the stares leveled my way.
We ran into Jasmine and Costa in the hallway of our train car. Costa’s hand was in his jacket pocket, and I saw a very suspicious bulge protruding from the fabric. I realized he’d he
ard my scream and jumped to the wrong conclusion, too.
“Put that away,” I hissed. All we needed was for someone to glimpse the outline of the gun and assume that he was about to commit a terrorist attack.
“What happened?” Costa said, eyeing me and Adrian.
Our cabin was small, but I waved everyone inside. It was standing room only once we shut the door, yet my decision affected everyone, so they all deserved to hear it.
“I have something to tell you,” I began. “I’ve—”
“What the hell?” Jaz exclaimed, grabbing my right hand. “Ivy! Your tattoo is gone!”
Costa muttered something in Greek as he stared at my hand. Adrian didn’t look away from my eyes, even when I pulled back my torn blouse to reveal that the staff tattoo was now gone, too.
“I know,” I said, forcing the words out despite my throat closing off with a surge of unexpected shame. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things since the attack yesterday, and I think...”
I stopped and dropped my eyes. Jasmine and Costa had both been terribly abused in demon realms, so my choice to bow out might come across like I was saying what happened to them didn’t matter to me anymore. Oh God. What if they hated me for this?
“Think what?” my sister asked impatiently.
Adrian slipped behind me and drew me into his arms. Those thick, warm bands and the solidness of his body soothed my sudden case of trembles.
“I’m not going after the spearhead anymore,” I said bluntly. “I’ve been kidding myself about being able to survive it long enough to save those people. I also learned that the realm walls will eventually weaken again, putting demons right back in business. So, I don’t see a point in risking everyone’s lives trying to find a weapon that’ll kill me before I can help anyone anyway—”
Jasmine threw her arms around me, cutting off the rest of my explanation. Her hug was so welcome and unexpected; I didn’t care that it was difficult to breathe between her tight frontal embrace and Adrian gripping me from behind.