“What did you do?” I asked quietly when he paused again.
“I went to his bed and asked what he needed help with.” North swallowed hard. “He held out his hand and I saw that he had a whole handful of the little white pain pills his doctor had been prescribing. He was only supposed to have three a day—one in the morning and two at bedtime.
“‘I’ve been saving them up,’ he said. ‘Only taking one at night for weeks.’
“‘Why?’ I asked him. And he said, ‘You know why. It hurts too much, Danny—I can’t stand it anymore.'"
North’s jaw clenched and it seemed he had to force himself to keep talking. “I tried to tell him it was going to get better, that he should just hang on but he just shook his head and said, ‘Danny, I’m dying. I know it and you know it—that’s why you took this year off school. To be with me before the end.’”
“Is that true?” I asked softly.
North nodded. “Yeah. It was true and I had to admit it. Then I asked him what he wanted from me. He said, ‘Just for you to be with me. To help me in case…’”
“In case what?” I prompted softly.
“He said in case…” North shook his head. “In case the pills weren’t enough.”
I felt my gut twist into a knot—this wasn’t what I had expected. Still, I was committed to hearing the story through. “And were they?” I asked, trying to brace myself for the worst. “Were they enough?”
North shook his head. “Not quite.” His deep voice sounded strangled. “Jamie got…really tired but we could both tell he’d be able to sleep it off. He’d built up a tolerance to them, you see—to the pain meds. From taking them for so long. And that was when he asked me…” He looked down at his hands for a long moment. “God, this is hard to say.”
“Just say it,” I urged, though my stomach felt like I had swallowed a fist-sized lump of ice.
North looked up at me, his piercing blue eyes completely dry but filled with terrible pain just the same. “He asked me to help him finish it.”
“And did you?” I whispered, taking his hand.
“Yes.” He squeezed my fingers so tightly it hurt but I made no move to get away. “I used the pillow,” he whispered hoarsely. “I put it over his face and held it there until…until he stopped moving.” North looked at me and the despair in his eyes was terrible to see. “He smiled at me…right before I did it. And he said…he said, ‘Thank you, Danny. I love you.’ And that was it. I…I held his hand for hours afterward. And then I went back to bed and just laid there, knowing my mom would find him in the morning.”
“Oh, North,” I whispered, unable to say anything else. He shook his head and buried his face in his hands. I had never seen him cry before but the tears came now, deep, hoarse sobs that tore at my heart. I rubbed his shaking shoulders helplessly, wishing there was some way I could comfort him.
“I hate myself for it,” he said at last, his voice choked. “Hate myself, Kris. But I don’t…don’t know what else I could have done. He was in so much pain.”
“You did the right thing,” I told him. “You helped your brother when no one else would. You helped him the only way you could.”
“But my parents…” North shook his head. “It nearly killed them, especially my mom. I mean, Jamie had been dying for ages but it was so slow, I think…I think she thought it would never end. That he would always be there when she got up to check him in the morning.” He swiped at his eyes angrily. “And I’m the reason he’s not.”
“You’re the reason he’s finally at peace,” I said fiercely. “Don’t hate yourself for that, North. I don’t believe your parents would, if they knew, and I don’t either.”
“You don’t?” He looked at me uncertainly.
“No.” I shook my head decisively. “I don’t. I think you had a hard choice to make and you made it. You did what your brother asked.”
He sighed deeply. “I try to tell myself that but sometimes…sometimes this secret eats me up inside—the same way the cancer was eating Jamie. I never thought I’d ever be able to tell anyone…until you.”
“I know about secrets,” I told him softly. “And about hard choices. I’m glad…glad you could trust me.”
“I am too.” He took my hand in his and brought it to his face. Pressing a kiss to my palm, he whispered, “Thank you, Kris. Thank you for not hating me.”
“I could never hate you.” I murmured, my heart swelling at his tender gesture. “In fact, I…I have something to tell you, too.”
“Do you?” He looked up at me, his eyes bright. “A secret?”
“Yes, I…” I opened my mouth, prepared to tell him everything. After all he had revealed to me, after all he had trusted me with, I felt I must be able to trust him with my truth as well. My secret—my shameful lie and deception—trembled on my lips.
But it wasn’t my secret alone to share.
“Well?” North prompted eagerly.
“I…” I shook my head. “I can’t…”
“It’s okay.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to say it. Not now.”
“All right.” I was both relieved and disappointed. How I wanted to bare my soul to him—to tell him everything from start to finish! But somehow I just couldn’t.
“Later, maybe.” North rose and offered me a hand up. “Come on. It’s our last day before break ends. Let’s make it count.”
I gave him my hand and let him pull me to my feet. As we started up the hillside that led to his house, I could see from the peaceful look on his face that North felt lighter—it was as though a terrible burden had been lifted from his shoulders. I only wished someone could lift my own burden—but I was the only one who could do that. And my hands were tied—the secret I guarded with my life was not mine to tell.
Chapter Thirty
“I can’t stand this anymore—I have something I need to tell you,” North said as we slid beneath the covers that night—the last night of Winter Break.
“What, something else?” I looked at him uneasily, wondering what other dark secrets he might be carrying.
“Afraid so.” He sat up in bed and leaned his elbows against his knees. “I’m not sure how to say this but…all the stuff I told you about being sworn brothers?”
“Yes? What about it?” I put a hand to my pierced ear reflexively. I hardly noticed the silver and onyx stud anymore—it seemed like a part of me.
“It’s…well, it’s not something people really do anymore.” North cleared his throat. “I mean, they used to—it’s kind of an old-fashioned custom from my grandfather’s time. But it’s not really…not really done now.”
I looked at him, confused. “Then why did you have us do it? Did you make up that oath we swore?”
“No, of course not!” He shook his head vehemently. “The vow is real—I looked it up to get it right. I just…” He sighed. “I just used it as an excuse.”
“An excuse for what?” I demanded.
“To get closer to you, all right?” North ran both hands through his hair in agitation. “To be able to…to touch you. And kiss you, even if it’s only on the cheek.”
Blood was suddenly roaring in my ears so loudly I could barely hear myself think. “You…you wanted to get closer to me?”
“Yes, damn it—I did! I mean, I do. God, Kris, I don’t know how to say this and you might hate me when I do but I have to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I grabbed his arm and looked at him almost wildly.
“Tell you…that I love you.” North scrubbed a hand over his face in obvious frustration. “I know that sounds weird and it should feel weird too. I mean, I’ve never had…feelings like this for another guy. Hell, I’ve never had feelings like this for anyone. But somehow, even though you’re a guy and an underclassman and from the opposite end of the solar system it just feels…” He sighed. “It just feels right. And I’m sorry if I’m freaking you out right now, telling you this. I just—”
“It feels right to me, too,” I inte
rrupted in a rush. “I…I’ve never felt like this for anyone either, North.”
He looked immensely relieved. “It’s crazy, right? I kept telling myself it was just that you reminded me of Jamie—that I wanted to protect you. And then I told myself that when I got back here, to Apollo, I’d see all the pretty girls at the beach and realize you weren’t what I wanted. But Kris…” He ducked his head to look into my eyes. “You are what I want. I don’t know why but every girl I’ve looked at, none of them is as pretty…uh, I mean, as attractive as you. Not to me, anyway.”
My heart swelled until I felt like it might burst. “It’s all right,” I said softly. “You can say I’m pretty if you want. I don’t…don’t really mind.”
“Oh good.” He gave me a relieved smile. “I mean, I don’t mean to say you’re not, you know, masculine or anything.” He put a hand to his forehead. “Can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you. It’s so weird.”
“It’s not weird.” I squeezed his arm. “All right, maybe a little weird,” I conceded and he laughed. “But it’s still right—like you said. Just…right.”
North looked at me earnestly. “You said yesterday that you had a secret too—was that it? That you felt for me…like I feel for you? That you…love me?”
Once more the truth rose to my lips. And this time I knew it was going to spill over. After all, I couldn’t let North go on loving me, thinking that I was another male. He must be so confused inside, wondering why he was attracted to someone he thought was the same sex. “North,” I said. “I’m—”
“Are you boys ready for bed?”
We had been leaning forward, looking intently into each other’s eyes, but the sound of his mother’s voice right outside the door made us jump hastily apart. “Yes, Mom,” North called as we settled quickly at opposite sides of the bed. “We’re already all tucked in.”
“All right.” She opened the door and stuck her head in, giving us a slightly worried smile. “I just wanted to check on you. Since it’s your last night here.” She looked so sad that my heart, which had been pounding just moments before, ached for her. How lonely it must be for her, mewed up in this house by the sea without Jamie! And now North and I were leaving too—leaving her with no sons to care for. She was such a sweet and caring woman—I wished again I had a mother like her to call my own.
“We’ll come back again for Spring Break,” North promised, obviously seeing his mother’s loneliness. “I promise.”
“Will you come back, too, Kris?” Mrs. North looked at me hopefully.
I cleared my throat. “I…I would love to come back. If you’ll have me, that is.”
She smiled. “You’re a good and loyal friend to Daniel. Of course we want you to come back.”
I wondered what she would think if she knew that 'Daniel' had just been confessing his love to me. How would she and her husband feel if they thought their only surviving son was in love with another male? Same sex marriage was accepted on most of the more progressive moons, (not Victoria, of course) but there was still a stigma attached in many provinces. “Thank you,” I said, not knowing what else to say. “Thank you very much, Mrs. North.”
“You’re welcome, dear.” She gave me a fond smile and then blew a kiss to North. “Sleep well.”
“We will. Night, Mom,” North said.
She smiled and shut the door. Both of us listened breathlessly to the sound of her footsteps retreating down the hallway and then, going slowly down the stairs. When there was nothing but silence outside, North turned to me, his eyes burning.
“This is driving me crazy, Kris. I want to kiss you—really kiss you.”
I was in his arms before I knew it. His mouth on mine was hot and urgent but I was no less eager than he was. My mind blurred back to when Wilkenson had kissed me—to the clumsy, awkward way he had pressed his lips to mine. There was none of that between North and me—we fit together naturally—our mouths seemed made to be joined.
At last we broke apart, gasping, and North looked at me, his eyes half-lidded with pleasure. “You taste every bit as good as I thought you would.”
“Have…have you been thinking about it for long? About kissing me?” I asked shyly.
He nodded. “It’s one of the reasons I, uh, stopped talking to you for a while back at school. I couldn’t stop thinking about it—wondering what it would be like.”
“It bothers you a lot, doesn’t it?” I felt a sudden rush of guilt. “The idea of…of kissing another male?”
“It’s not my first choice,” he admitted, matter-of-factly. “But damn it, Kris, I’ve tried and…”
“And what?” I asked softly.
He shook his head. “And I just can’t stay away from you anymore. I can’t help myself—you’re the one for me.”
Then he was kissing me again, cupping my cheek to bring us closer together and running his fingers through my short hair restlessly, as though he couldn’t get close enough. I gave myself up to the pleasure of his kisses, just as I had before. I nearly lost myself in his embrace—in fact, I only came back to myself when I felt one large, warm hand slipping slowly under my shirt. Under my shirt where my breasts were bare and unbound.
“North, no!” I gasped, breaking the kiss and pushing his hand away at the same time.
“Okay, I’m sorry.” He looked disappointed but not very surprised. “I just thought…I don’t know what I thought. I got carried away.” He sighed and gave me a wry grin. “I guess you want to wait until we’re married, huh?”
“Married?” I looked at him, uncertain if he was joking.
“Sure.” He shrugged. “That’s how they do things in Victoria, right?”
Slowly, I nodded. “Well, yes. Not usually between two males but we do wait for marriage before we, um, consummate a relationship. But…are you actually asking me to…to marry you?”
North laughed. “Don’t look so freaked out—I’m not asking you to elope tonight. I’m just saying maybe sometime in the future after we both graduate…”
“I guess,” I said hesitantly.
“I can see it now…” North smiled. “We’ll have our own ship. I’ll be the captain and you can be the navigator.”
“Wait a minute.” I tried to smile back but my heart was still racing. “Why do you get to be the captain?”
“Because I’m taller, of course,” North said at once. He poked me in the ribs. “And also because you’re so much better at Astro Nav than me. With you as the navigator, we’re a lot less likely to wind up in the middle of a supernova or get sucked into a black hole.”
“You’re right about that,” I said grudgingly. “All right, I’ll be your navigator.”
“And my partner,” he said, looking at me steadily.
My heart jumped in my chest and I realized he wasn’t kidding anymore. “If…if you want me,” I whispered uncertainly. “There are things about me you don’t know, North. Things that might…might change your mind.”
North cupped my cheek and looked into my eyes. “I’m going to tell you what you told me today, Kris—there’s nothing you could tell me that would change the way I feel about you.”
“But—”
“No more buts. And no more secrets—not tonight.” Slowly he drew me down on the bed and cradled me in his arms. “Tonight I just want to hold you,” he murmured. “And kiss you and try to believe that you’re mine—really, finally mine. Don’t worry,” he added, clearly seeing the worried look on my face. “I won’t go too far, I promise.”
How could I tell him that I had already gone much, much too far? And that I needed to tell him my secret before we went any farther?
I opened my mouth to talk again but North was already kissing me—slowly and tenderly, this time, as though he wanted our embrace to last all night. His big warm hands were on my back, stroking up and down, pulling me closer to him, ever closer. I couldn’t think straight when he touched me like that, when he kissed me so tenderly.
I’ll tell him tomorrow
, I promised myself. One more night won’t hurt.
And then I let go of all rational thought and simply gave myself to the kiss.
Chapter Thirty-one
“Kris, wake up! Wake up!”
A hard hand was shaking me, pulling me up out of the depths of sleep. At first I shied away from it, fearing it was the hand of one of the faceless ones, the dark men coming to drag me down the hallway and cut my hand off. No, not my hand—Kristopher’s, whispered a voice in my brain.