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by Ivy Smoak
"Fuck," I murmured out loud. I wiped my eyes again and stood up. I had to get out of there. I didn't want to hear his explanations. The guilt would always weigh on me. It didn't matter that I hadn't known it at the time. Either way, I had slept with a married man. I had tried to ask him questions, but he had skirted around the answers flawlessly. He was a manipulative asshole. I ran over to the elevator and looked for the button. I pressed the glowing circle.
"Shit, come on!" I hit the button with my fist. The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. I stepped onto it. I pressed the first button I saw inside the elevator. My heart was racing. The doors slowly closed. Thank God.
I pressed my back against the opposite side of the elevator and slowly slid until my butt hit the ground. I hadn't just slept with an older man. I hadn't just slept with my professor. I had slept with a married man. What had I become? That wasn't me. None of that was me. I put my face into my hands and let myself cry. It felt like my stomach was in my chest. Because the truth was, I hadn't just slept with him. I loved him.
The elevator dinged and I fell backwards. I had forgotten that there was a door on this side. Shit! I pulled the t-shirt down so that I didn't reveal myself. I was looking up into a man's crotch.
"Miss, are you okay?" His hands were on my shoulders, pulling me to my feet.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." My face was more crimson than it had ever been. I wiped my tears off my cheeks. I was standing half naked in the lobby of Professor Hunter's prestigious apartment building. The man who had helped me to my feet was staring at my legs. He was wearing shorts and a sweaty t-shirt. He must have just worked out. Probably at a gym somewhere in the building. I pulled the sides of my shirt down again. This isn't happening.
"Are you sure you're okay?" It looked like he wanted to laugh.
"Yes. Thank you." I stepped back onto the elevator. Please don't get on.
The man stepped onto the elevator beside me.
Damn it!
"I'm guessing you weren't trying to go to the lobby," he said. He had stopped staring at me and was now looking at the elevator doors. "Where were you trying to go?"
"The parking garage. Third floor."
The man pressed a button on the elevator. His lips were pursed together and there were a few small lines around his eyes as he tried not to let his laughter escape. "Bad morning?"
"You have no idea." I looked away from him. This was so embarrassing. The ultimate walk of shame. I had never been more mortified in my life.
"I suppose it will only get better from here then."
"God, I hope so." I squeezed through the doors as they were still opening and ran as fast as I could. The cement floor of the parking garage was freezing against my bare feet. I wrapped my arms around myself and ran toward Professor Hunter's convertible. Luckily my bag was still on the passenger seat of the car. I pulled my sunglasses out and put them on my face. If I was lucky, no one would notice me on my way back to my dorm room. My beach towel was wadded in a ball at the bottom of the bag and it was cold and damp. I sighed. I grabbed my bag and hoisted it over my shoulder.
I looked around the parking garage for a set of stairs and ran toward them. Professor Hunter would have realized I was missing by now. Would he try to come after me? Would he even realize something was wrong? I ran down the stairs and stepped outside of the parking garage. There was a chill in the air this morning. It was as if autumn had appeared overnight.
If I went toward Main Street, I'd easily be able to find my way back to my dorm. But I didn't want to be seen in just a men's t-shirt. My teeth chattered as I crossed the road. I walked as casually as possible down a side street. People lived here. Respectable families were probably just waking up for their normal days. Please don't see me. I quickened my pace and turned down another street.
My phone buzzed. I grabbed it out of my bag and looked down at Professor Hunter's text:
"I would have driven you home. Persuading you to miss two classes would have been way too irresponsible."
Persuading me to have sex with you when you're married was irresponsible! That pretentious bastard! I shoved my phone back into my bag.
A car drove by and beeped at me.
Are you kidding me? Screw this. I began running. I didn't care if anyone saw me. I just wanted to be safely in my dorm. Behind one of the houses ahead of me, I could see the small parking lot by my dorm. I looked around but didn't see anyone around. I ran through someone's yard. The ground was slightly muddy and I tried to ignore the squishing noise that my feet were making and the mud splattering on my legs.
I peered around the back of the house to see if anyone was there. The coast was clear, but there were large bushes all along the perimeter of their back yard. Damn it! I moved a few branches with my hands and squeezed through as best I could. I tried not to cry out as the small thorns pricked against my bare skin. When I got untangled from the foliage, I was left with a torn shirt, tons of tiny scratches on my arms and legs, and splotches of mud on my calves and shins. But my dorm was right there. And everything was silent. Thankfully college students were always reliable at not waking up until they had to. I ran through the parking lot and up the stairs of Sussex. I quickly pulled out my wallet and pressed the access card against the sign. The familiar buzz of the doors unlocking almost made me cry. I opened the door and ran into the building, up the stairs, and to my room.
Panting, I unlocked the door and tiptoed into my room. Melissa's light snoring greeted my ears. Oh, thank God. Finally something had gone my way. I grabbed my shower caddy and went to the bathroom. I needed to get the smell of Professor Hunter off of me.
I locked the shower door, pulled off Professor Hunter's destroyed t-shirt, and closed the curtain. The water stung the cuts on my arms and legs. The bottom of my feet were sore and scratched too. But soon I didn't feel the pain, just the shame of what I had done. The pressure I had felt building in my chest last night was back. Why did I let myself fall in love with such a creep? I grabbed my soap and began to scrub my skin harder than I ever had. Get off of me. Get off of me! I began crying again. I lifted my face under the showerhead and let the water wash away my tears.
I dried off, wrapped my towel around myself, and stepped out of the shower. Just don't think about him. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Back in my room, I put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a light jacket. My phone buzzed. I hesitated before pulling it out of the canvas beach bag. I swiped my finger across the screen and saw another text from Professor Hunter.
"Did you get back to your dorm okay? You left your clothes here..."
He could tell something was off. Good. I didn't have anything to say to him. He could figure it out on his own. Fuck him.
Chapter 37
Tuesday
My anger hadn't dissipated. If anything, having all day to think about it made me even angrier. I continued to stare at the roses on my desk. The cocky liar roses. I should have seen some kind of sign, but there hadn't been any. Professor Hunter had been so sweet. I took a deep breath. Screw him. I got up and lifted the vase off my desk. It was tempting to throw them in the trash, but they were so pretty. Instead, I put them into my closet and closed the door.
"Okay." Melissa held up the two bags and scrutinized the handwriting. "I think that says vegetable lo mein. This one must be yours." She handed me one of the bags and sat down on her bed.
I opened up the bag and pulled out the chop sticks and cute little cardboard container. Chinese takeout was my comfort food. And right now I needed it more than ever.
"So, are you going to tell me why you wanted Chinese food tonight?"
"What do you mean?" I ripped the paper off the chopsticks and snapped them apart. I could barely use chopsticks, but I refused to eat Chinese food without them. It was half the fun. I could feel Melissa's gaze on me.
"Penny, you only ever want Chinese takeout when you're upset."
"That's not true." I wished I was alone right now.
Melissa laughed. "Right.
So, you're saying that nothing is wrong?"
"Yeah, everything's peachy."
"Okay, so two things real quick. First, no one uses the phrase peachy unless they are in fact not peachy. Plus, your roses are gone."
"People say peachy all the time. That's a thing. And my roses are still here, I just moved them."
Melissa looked around the room and then at the trash. "Where?"
"In the closet."
Melissa laughed. "And why are your roses in the closet?"
Because I hate Professor Hunter! "Allergies."
"Penny, you are not allergic to roses."
"I think I might be."
"Why?"
"I have the sniffles."
"You're being weird." Melissa took a bite of her food. "So you're really not going to tell me what's wrong?"
"No."
"So there is something wrong then?"
Crap! I didn't want to answer her question. Instead, I fumbled with my chopsticks and somehow got some lo mein into my mouth. My phone buzzed but I didn't look at it. It was probably Professor Hunter and I didn't want to know what he had to say.
"Did you and James have a fight?"
I tilted the cardboard container so that I could shovel some of the food into my mouth.
"I mean, you hid the roses. You're not all smiles anymore, even though you just spent all day and night with him yesterday. And you're ignoring his texts. So what did he do?"
She was good. "He didn't do anything. It's more what he didn't do." He forgot to tell me he was married. He left off the fact that he was a cheating pig.
Melissa ate quietly for a moment. She was definitely scrutinizing me. "And is that making you feel better?"
I had tilted the container again. I knew I was being barbaric, but my patience with the chopsticks had waned awhile ago. "Yes," I said with my mouth still full.
Melissa laughed. "You know, if he doesn't even realize that you're fighting, he won't be able to fix whatever it was that he didn't do."
"I know."
"So maybe you should talk to him?"
"Whose side are you on anyway?"
"Yours, of course. But I also know how stubborn you can be. And maybe you shouldn't let go of a good thing just because it suddenly got tough."
It wasn't just hard. It was horrible, immoral, disgusting. I just wanted the conversation to end, so I nodded my head. "Maybe you're right."
Melissa smiled. She loved being right.
"How's Josh?"
"He's good." She bit her lip. I could tell she was holding something back.
"What?" I asked.
"He invited me to the Sigma Pi formal." She couldn't hold back her smile.
"That's awesome."
"Mhm. Penny, I really like him."
"I know. And I'm really happy for you guys." I was able to say it sincerely despite my dreadful mood.
Chapter 38
Wednesday
Professor Hunter lifted his shirt over his head and stared down at me. His tanned abs made desire explode through my body, all the tension between us gone. He leaned over me, his strong arms on either side of me. I wanted him. Why wasn't he kissing me? I ran my hand through his hair.
"Penny." He rubbed my cheek with the side of his hand. "I'm not yours to touch," he said seductively. "I told you it had to be a one-time thing."
***
I woke up panting. Professor Hunter could even arouse me in my dreams. My heart was racing. He had warned me. Kind of. He had wanted it to be a one-time thing. He had told me he thought if he gave into temptation he could forget about me. He didn't just want to forget about me, he needed to. I pictured the suitcase in his office. He was probably traveling back and forth to visit his wife. Shit. And he had told me he didn't want me to know what kind of man he was. There were so many signs. And I had thrown myself at him without thinking twice about any of them. I had acted like a slut. I pulled my phone off my desk and opened up the message I had ignored last night.
"Penny, I had a wonderful day with you. And a wonderful night. If there's something that I've done to upset you, I'll fix it. Just tell me what it is."
I typed out, "I'll talk to you after class," and pressed send. Melissa was right, we needed to talk. Mostly I needed to apologize for tempting him to cheat on his wife. He shouldn't have done it, but I was to blame too. I needed to tell him it was over before it got any worse. I rolled out of bed and began getting ready.
As I pulled the text books out of my bag, my fingers brushed against soft petals. Tyler. I picked up the flattened rose from the bottom of my backpack. Maybe Professor Hunter was right. There wasn't such a thing as a friendship rose. I opened up my closet and looked at the beautiful roses that Professor Hunter had sent me. The one in my hand was wilted and sad looking in comparison. I closed the door, poured some water in a cup, and put Tyler's rose in it on my desk. Despite its appearance, that rose was without a question the sweetest. Once I ended things with Professor Hunter, maybe I could finally give Tyler a fair chance.
But this was going to be hard. I put on waterproof mascara just in case. Even though I was mad at Professor Hunter, I still loved him. It was going to be awhile before I could shake those feelings. I had thought that Austin had broken my heart. But that didn't even compare to this. I actually felt a pain in my chest. And my stomach hurt. My Chinese food fix hadn't helped at all.
I pulled my backpack over my shoulder and left my dorm room. The air was chilly again today. A few leaves were even turning yellow and red. It was time for a fresh start. This whole time I had thought Professor Hunter was just a dream. Now he needed to become one. I strolled into Smith and up the stairs to Professor Hunter's classroom. No, the Comm classroom. I needed to change my way of thinking about things.
I made my way to my usual seat. My heart was already pounded. I smiled as Tyler walked in. He came over to me and sat down.
"Want to grab lunch with me today?" he asked.
"Definitely."
"How about Grottos again? That was delicious."
"That sounds perfect."
"I actually have some news to share with you."
"Yeah? What's up?"
Professor Hunter walked into the room and I stopped breathing.
"I'll tell you at lunch," Tyler said.
Professor Hunter's hair was unruly and he was wearing his glasses. It didn't look like he had slept at all. He looked at me and I could see the pain he was feeling. I felt the same way he did. Not talking to him had been impossibly hard. For a second all I wanted to do was kiss him. I broke eye contact and looked down at my desk. I needed to be stronger than that.
Professor Hunter cleared his throat. "Passion," he said. "Passion is what drives a good speech. Passion drives everything. And it's probably one of the reasons why you chose your majors."
I heard the squeak of the chalk on the board and looked up. I had to will myself to not undress him with my eyes.
"Without passion, there really is no meaning in life." He turned around and locked eyes with me again.
Is he trying to justify his actions? I had lived this long without passion and I was fine. I took a deep breath. But was I really? The way I felt around Professor Hunter was so different. It was like I was alive for the first time.
"Today I'd like us all to talk about something that we're passionate about. Ray, kick us off."
Ray stood up. "I'm passionate about any good booty." The class laughed and he began to sit down.
"Ray, don't you dare sit down." I had never heard Professor Hunter sound so angry before. Except for when he talked that way to me in private.
Ray laughed awkwardly and continued to stand there.
"Passion is not humorous. Unless your passion is humor. Don't make a joke of my assignments, Raymond."
"I'm not, man."
"That's Professor Hunter to you. Get the hell out of my class," he growled.
Ray leaned down and grabbed his backpack. He left the room without turning around. The whole class w
as silent.
Professor Hunter cleared his throat. "I am passionate about teaching. That would be an acceptable answer." He called the next name and the girl rose to her feet. It looked like she was shaking.
I tuned out her answer. What the hell was happening? Had Professor Hunter completely lost his mind? I had never seen a professor freak out on a student like that before. He had a hot temper. I remembered what Melissa had said about how he got fired from his last teaching job. It probably was true.
"Penny Taylor," Professor Hunter said. The way my name rolled off his tongue made all my muscles clench.
I rose to my feet and locked eyes with him. "I'm passionate about honesty." I quickly sat back down. That's right, Professor Hunter, I know your secret!
He raised his left eyebrow. Did he really not know what I was referring to? How dense was he? After the last student shared what they were passionate about, Professor Hunter dismissed the class.
"See you at Grotto's," Tyler said and walked off.
When the class had finally emptied, I got to my feet and walked toward his desk. My heart was pounding. I needed to be strong. He was a pig.
"Penny." Professor Hunter put his hand on my arm. I didn't want to melt under his touch. Would his effect on me ever go away?
"I'm sorry, Professor Hunter. We need to end this before we make it any worse." I took a step back from him, removing his hand from me.
"End this? Have your feelings for me changed?"
"Professor Hunter, everything's changed."
"You're right, I like you more than ever." He smiled at me, but the smile didn't go to his eyes. He looked upset.
I shook my head. "I know."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Professor Hunter, I know." I took a deep breath. "I know your secret."