by Maeve Binchy
Ria read on.
I don't care how marvellous they say Love is, I'm not going to have any part of it. I wish Daddy would stop saying that one day some man will come and carry away his little Princess. It's not going to happen. Sometimes I wish I had never been born.
Ria sat down suddenly at the table that was strewn with all the clutter from the sideboard. She would have to return it all to where it came from. Annie must have stuffed the diary away hastily one time and meant to collect it later. Annie must never know that her mother had seen this diary.
Marilyn looked around her house with an objective eye. How would it appear to someone who lived in a house that was over a hundred years old? The items of furniture pictured in Ria's home looked as if they were all antiques. That Danny Lynch must have done very well at his business. This house had been built in the early 1970s. Tudor Drive was part of an area developed for the increasing number of academics and business people who wanted to enjoy a quiet and deliberately simple lifestyle. The homes all stood in their own grounds; the lawns and frontage were communally looked after. It was an affluent neighbourhood. Here and there small white wooden churches dotted around made it look like a picture postcard saying Welcome to Connecticut. But it would all look very new and recent to someone who came from a civilisation as old as the one that Ria was leaving.
In one of the books about Dublin that she was reading Marilyn saw that they recommended an outing to see where Saint Kevin had lived the life of a hermit on a beautiful lake south of Dublin. That was in the year six something, not sixteen something but the actual seventh century, and it was on their doorstep. Marilyn hoped that Ria and her children wouldn't think that they had seen everything that Westville could offer in the first half-hour and would then wonder how to spend the rest of the time.
Marilyn was tired from her constant clearing out of closets and leaving things ready for the new family. There would be plenty of room for them all. Ria would sleep in the main bedroom, and there were three other bedrooms. The people who designed this house must have had a more sociable and hospitable family than the Vines in mind.
The guest rooms had hardly ever been used. They had been so content on their own that they rarely invited visitors. Family came at Thanksgiving, and they put up people for the alumni picnic but that was all. Now two Irish children would sleep in these rooms and play in the garden. The boy was ten. Marilyn hoped he wouldn't throw a football or anything on to her flower-beds, but it wasn't something you could actually make rules about. It would be suggesting to Ria that she thought the boy would be out of control. Better to assume perfect behaviour rather than try and legislate for it.
Marilyn paused with her hand on the door of one room. Should she lock it? Yes, of course she should. She didn't want strangers in here amongst these things. They wouldn't want to see it either. They would respect her for keeping her private memories behind a locked door. They would not feel excluded. But then wasn't it odd somehow to lock a room in the house which was meant to be these people's home?
Marilyn wished there were someone she could ask, someone whose advice she could seek out and take. But who could she ask? Not Greg, he was still very cold and hurt. Mystified by her decision to go to Ireland, irritated by Ria coming to Tudor Drive, and unable to talk about any of it.
Not Carlotta next door who had been forever anxious to come in and be part of their lives. Marilyn had spent a long time carefully and courteously building up a relationship based on distance and respect rather than neighbourly visits. She could not ruin it now by asking advice on a matter so intimate and personal that it would change everything between them.
Not Heidi at the office. Whatever she did she must not encourage Heidi who was always asking Marilyn to join this or that, Beginners' Bridge, Feng Shui groups, embroidery circles. Heidi and Henry were so kind they would have come around to Tudor Drive every single evening and picked her up to take her somewhere if she had allowed them to. But they had never really known what it was like to feel so restless. They had both been married before and now found contentment in a mature second marriage. They were always entertaining in their home and attending the college functions. They couldn't understand someone who wanted to be alone. Marilyn thought she might lock the room but leave the key somewhere for Ria so that it didn't look so like an action of exclusion. She wouldn't decide now, she'd see how she felt the morning she left.
And the time raced by. Summer came to Tara Road and Tudor Drive. Ria marshalled her troops well in advance and encouraged them to welcome Marilyn and invite her into their homes. That's what Americans liked, visiting someone's home.
'Even mine?' Hilary was unsure.
'Particularly yours. I want her to meet my sister and get to know her.'
'Isn't she getting enough? Do you know what someone would pay for the use of that fine house for two months? Martin and I were saying that if you let it in Horse Show week alone you'd get a small fortune.'
'Sure, Hilary. I wish you'd come out to see me there, we could meet Sheila Maine and have great times.'
'Millionaires can have great times certainly,' Hilary said.
Ria ignored her. 'You will keep an eye out for Marilyn, won't you?'
'Ah, don't you know I will.'
And all the others had promised too. Her mother was going to take Marilyn to visit St Rita's; she might enjoy meeting elderly Irish people with lots of memories. Frances Sullivan would ask her to tea and possibly to come to the theatre one night. Rosemary was having a summer party, she would include Marilyn.
Polly Callaghan called unexpectedly. 'I hear there's an American woman coming to stay here; if she wants any chauffeuring around at weekends tell her to get in touch.'
'How did you know she was coming?' Ria asked.
'Danny told me.'
'Danny doesn't approve.'
Polly shrugged. 'He can't have it every way.'
'He mainly has, I think.'
'Bernadette's not going to stay the distance, Ria,' Polly said.
Ria's heart leapt. This was what she so desperately wanted to hear. Someone who knew them all and could make a judgement on who would win in the end. Someone like Polly who would be in her corner and tell her what was going on in the enemy camp. Ria was about to ask her what they were like together. Was it true that Bernadette didn't talk at all but sat with her hair falling over her face? She yearned to know that Danny looked sad and lost and like a man who had made a wrong turning.
But she pulled herself together sharply. Polly was Barney McCarthy's woman, she was in their camp when all was said and done. Ria must not give in to the need she felt to confide. 'Who knows whether it will last or not? Anyway, it's not important. He wants her, we're not enough for him, so be it.'
'All men want more than they can have. Who knows that better than I do?'
'Well you went the distance, Polly. You and Barney lasted, didn't you?' It was the first time Ria had ever mentioned the relationship and she felt a little nervous at having done so.
'Yes, true, but only unofficially. I mean, I'm still the woman in the background; that's all I'll ever be. Mona is the wife, the person of status.'
'I don't think so actually, I think Mona is a fool,' Ria said. 'If he loved you then she should have let him go to you.'
Polly pealed with laughter. 'Come on, you know better than that, he didn't want to leave her, he wanted us both. Just like Danny possibly wanted you both, you and the girl as well.'
Ria played that conversation over in her mind many times. She didn't think that Polly was correct. Danny had been anxious to leave, to start again. And of course times were so different now to what they were when Barney McCarthy and Polly Callaghan had fallen in love.
She was surprised to get a telephone call from Mona wishing her luck in the States and offering her a loan of suitcases. 'You have great courage, Ria. I admire you more than I can say.'
'No, you don't, Mona, you think I'm running away, making a feeble gesture—that's what most of D
anny's friends think.'
'I hope I'm your friend too. I didn't know one thing about this other woman, you know, I wasn't part of any cover-up.'
'No, I'm sure that's true, Mona.' Ria felt guilty then. For years she herself had been part of a cover-up.
'And Ria, I think you are quite right to take a strong stand, I wish I had done that years ago, I really do.'
Ria could hardly believe this conversation was taking place. All the taboos with Polly and Mona suddenly broken after all the years. 'You did what was right then,' she said.
'I only did what made less -waves, it wasn't necessarily what was right,' Mona said. 'But great good luck to you out there and if I can take your American friend anywhere just ask her to call me.'
Yes, they were all going to rally round when Marilyn arrived.
Gertie was going to come and clean for her. Colm had said he would invite her to the restaurant, introduce her to a few people.
'Colm, can I ask you a strange question?'
'Anything.'
'It's ages ago now, but Annie had a fall outside your restaurant, it was on the day of Brian's birthday and you cleaned up her knee for her.'
'Yes, I remember.'
'And you made her a nice drink called a St Clement's, and that's why she called the cat Clement.'
'Yes?' He looked wary.
'It's just that… well, do you think Annie was upset by anything else that day? Not just the fall. Like some incident or something?'
'Why do you ask all this, Ria?'
'It's hard to say. Something came to my notice as they say, and I was just wondering if you could throw any light on it.'
'Well, couldn't you ask her yourself?'
'No.' There was a silence. 'It came to my notice reading her diary,' Ria admitted.
'Ah.'
'You're shocked,' she said.
'Not really, a little maybe.'
'Every mother does, believe me.'
'I'm sure you're right. But what did you learn?'
'That she saw something that upset her, that's all.'
'She didn't tell me. And I hope you don't think that I upset her?' He looked stern now.
'God no. I've made a desperate mess of this. No, no of course I don't think that. She said in her diary that you were so kind and helpful and she was going to tell you about it but couldn't. I just wondered did she see anything here?'
'Here?'
'She fell outside your restaurant, didn't she?'
Colm remembered that Annie had fallen in the back lane. But that was her secret which he had kept. One she obviously had not shared with anyone except what she thought was her private diary.
'No,' Colm said thoughtfully. 'There was nothing upsetting she could have seen here. Nothing at all.'
Ria pulled herself together. 'I feel very cheap admitting all this but you'll have to forgive me. I'm saying goodbye to the children for a month tonight. It's a bit emotional.'
'They seem to be coping very well, you are too.' He admired her.
'Oh, who knows how people cope?' Ria said. 'When my father died years and years ago I used to keep searching the house in case he had left us some treasure and then my mother would stop going on about him and how badly he had provided for us. But to the outside world people thought I had got over it fine.'
'I know,' Colm was sympathetic. 'Caroline and I had a very drunken father, and I used to wish that there was some kind of magic potion that we could give him and that he would stop drinking and be a real dad. But there wasn't.' His face was empty as he spoke.
Ria had never known this about his background. 'We do let our children down, we read their diaries, we lose their fathers… we're hopeless! I think I'll be able to make their world all right just by having a barbecue in the garden for them tonight.' She gave a little laugh.
'No, it will be fine. I'll leave over some vegetables for Annie, she's still into that, isn't she?'
'She is, Colm. Thank you, you've been a great friend through all this.'
'I'll miss you.'
'Maybe Marilyn will be a dish and you and she will be a number when I get back.'
'I’ll let you know,' he promised.
And Ria went home to face the evening when she would say goodbye to her children.
They had told her little or nothing about their meeting with Bernadette. Ria had been longing to know every detail but wouldn't ask. She must not make them feel that they had to report back from one camp to another. She learned only practical things like that the holiday on the Shannon cruiser was back on course, that the new house had been hurried on—Barney McCarthy's men were there night and day finishing the renovations and it was now finally ready. Smelling of paint but ready; they would sleep there tomorrow night.
Ria learned that there would be two beds in Annie's room and there was a bunk bed being installed for Brian in a sort of outhouse that was once going to have appliances, whatever they were.
Washing machines, dryers, Ria had explained. Brian was disappointed; he thought they might be scientific things.
And they had met Bernadette's mother who was all right really and would drive them to a swimming pool for a course of six lessons. It was so that they could get themselves ready for the one in America. Ria felt she knew everything and yet nothing about the life that her children would live without her. It was an uncanny feeling, as if she had died and was hovering overhead like a ghost, again anxious to intervene but unable to speak because she didn't have a body.
They had supper in the garden, kebabs, with sausages for Brian and lots of little vegetables that Colm had left in a basket for Annie. Clement seemed to know they were going; he came and looked at them all reproachfully.
'I hope she'll play with him you know, entertain him a bit,' Annie said. 'Clement is not a cat who should be left to brood too much; it doesn't suit him.'
'Well, you can come and visit Marilyn and tell her about his personality, can't you?' Ria suggested.
'This isn't our house any more, not after tomorrow morning when you go,' Annie said.
'No, that's true, but on the other hand it will be lived in by someone whose own house you are going to visit and it would be nice to introduce yourselves to her.'
'Do we have to?' Brian saw tedious conversations with adults ahead.
'No of course not, it might be nice, that's all.'
'Anyway, Colm will keep an eye on Clement, Colm loves him as much as I do,' Annie said, cheering up.
There was no point whatsoever in hoping for any confidences from Annie. And she must never in a million years confide what she had read. Any possible trust that might grow between them would have been destroyed if that were ever known.
They talked on easily in the warm night about plans.
Rosemary had offered to drive the children to Danny's new house tomorrow morning so that Ria would have time to leave the house unfussed. Most of their things were there already. Ria had taped to the inside of their suitcases lists of clothes that they were to pack for the boat-trip. They were to check these carefully before they left.
'She said you were very organised,' Brian said.
'Bernadette said that?' Ria tried not to sound too interested.
'When she saw the suitcases, and Dad said you were the Queen of the Lists.' Brian looked at her eagerly hoping she would be pleased. But Annie, who was sharper, knew that her mother would not like to hear of this discussion.
'And so I am, your dad's right,' Ria said with a brightness she certainly didn't feel. She hated the thought of Danny mocking her list-making activities with this child Bernadette.
'Dad's coming round here later to say goodbye, isn't he?' Brian's face was still hoping for some reassurance that things were normal.
'That's right, when you've gone to bed, there are a few last-minute things we have to discuss.'
'You won't have awful fights or anything?' Annie checked.
'No, we don't do that any more, you know that.'
'Not in front of us you don't,
but you obviously drive each other mad,' Annie pronounced.
'I don't think that's so at all, but then we all look at people's lives differently. I often think that your gran is crazy to spend so much time with those old people in St Rita's instead of with people of her own age but she's as happy as a songbird there.'
'Well, that's because they depend on her there, they need her. And she's only a young thing up in St Rita's, not an old bag as she is with other people,' said Annie as if it were dead simple to understand.
Ria told them she would telephone every Saturday and they could ring any time because there was an answering machine. But not to waste Dad and Bernadette's money on long calls.
'I don't think she has much money,' Brian said. 'I think it's mainly Dad's.'
'Brian, you have the brain of a flea,' Annie said.
Danny arrived at ten o'clock. With a shock Ria realised how physically attractive he still was to her and would always be. Nothing had changed very much since those first days when she had met him at the estate agency and the heady discovery that he had eyes for her rather than for Rosemary. The line of his face had something about it that made you want to stroke him. She had to control herself before she stretched out a hand to touch him. She must behave calmly, he must not know how much power he had to move her.
'We'll go out to the garden in a minute, it's so peaceful. But first what would you like? Tea? A drink?'
'Any lager?'
'Sorry, no. Is that a new taste?'
'I’ll have tea,' he said.
'Do we drive each other mad?' Ria asked companionably as she put on the kettle.
'No, I don't think so. Why do you ask?'
'The kids think we do.'
'What do they know?' he grinned.
'They say the new house is very nice,' she said.
'Good, good.'
'Can I ask you to keep a sharp eye on that Kitty? All right, so we know I never liked her, but she is a little madam and she really could lead Annie astray.'