by Maya Banks
forgiveness again? And how much longer could she stand up under the onslaught when she loved him with every aching breath?
She loved him, yes. Without question. But trust him? No, she couldn’t say she fully trusted him any longer. Not when he’d repeatedly chosen his clients and career over her.
“Is that what you wanted to tell me tonight?” she asked.
“It’s one of the things,” he said calmly. “But not the thing. We’ll discuss that over dinner. While the crepes are in the oven, I’d like to hear about you. You sounded upset on the phone and you said you hadn’t been feeling well.”
She shook her head. “We’ll discuss it after dinner. After you’ve told me what it is you have to say to me.”
He looked frustrated with her stubbornness but he didn’t press. Instead he opened a bottle of wine and poured one glass and started to pour another until she held up her hand.
“No, don’t,” she said quickly. “I don’t want wine. I’m afraid it will upset my stomach.”
“So you have been ill,” he said grimly.
“I’m separated from my husband,” she said in a terse tone. “Do you expect me to be radiant? I’ve been miserable, Tate. This is never what I wanted. You chose this for us, not me.”
Anger sparked in her blood and she could positively feel her blood pressure rising. She took several calming breaths, knowing it did the baby no good for Chessy to become so upset.
Tate’s eyes darkened with sorrow. His hand shook as he reached for his glass of wine.
“I didn’t choose our separation,” he said quietly. “Never that. I fucked up. I get that. It was stupid. I just reacted without thinking. It’s a mistake I’ll pay for dearly for the rest of my life. I hope you can find it in your generous, loving heart to forgive me. To give me yet another chance to make things right. I don’t want to live my life without you, Chessy. I can’t bear the thought of it. There will never be another woman for me. You’re it. And I want it all, but I want it with you.”
Her heart squeezed at the sincerity and graveness in his tone. She had no doubt he meant it in this precise moment. That wasn’t in question. He’d also been absolutely sincere after the night of their anniversary, and look where that had gotten them. It wasn’t a matter of him speaking an untruth now. It was the question of how long that vehemence would last. A week? A month? She had no faith that he’d continue to put her first in his life and she refused to live with that uncertainty any longer. She had a child to think about now and her child deserved a full-time father, not someone who was gone all the time and never there for the important moments in life.
“I don’t know what to say—to think,” Chessy said, her mouth turned down in an expression of unhappiness.
“Just say you’ll think about it,” he urged. “I don’t have to have an answer today or even tomorrow. Just promise me you’ll think about it and not give up on me quite yet.”
She closed her eyes but nodded, knowing there really wasn’t an alternative. She couldn’t very well say with any authority what would happen once he told her whatever he had to tell her, and she then told him she was pregnant. She knew he’d fight even harder for them to get back together once he learned she was pregnant, but not telling him wasn’t an option. He deserved to know he was going to become a father no matter her reservations about him as a husband.
There was visible relief on his features. His eyes brightened and lost some of their dread.
“I swear you won’t regret it, Chess,” he said gruffly.
He turned away and cracked open the stove, peering in at the bubbling cheese that was just turning a yummy brown. She sniffed appreciatively, her stomach growling in anticipation. She hadn’t even attempted to eat today because the mere thought of food was revolting to her.
He grabbed oven mitts and slid the casserole dish from the oven, setting it on the stovetop while he closed the oven door.
“We’ll give it five minutes or so to rest and then we’ll dig in,” Tate announced.
As he spoke, he went to the cabinet where the plates were and took two down. Then he retrieved knives and forks from the drawer and set the small table in the breakfast nook where they so often had eaten together. The formal dining room had only been used on the occasions when they entertained clients or their friends.
He carried the still-steaming casserole dish to the table and then fetched a spatula to spoon up the delectable entrée. Chessy took a cautious sniff, praying her stomach didn’t rebel.
To her relief, she felt no nausea when she forked in the first savory bite. The flavor hit her taste buds like a mouth orgasm. She moaned her pleasure. This was right up there with good sex.
“Good?” Tate asked with a smile.
He knew damn well it was fantastic.
“It’s wonderful,” she sighed. “Best thing I’ve eaten in weeks.”
He frowned at that. “Have you been eating, Chess? I know you. And when you’re unhappy or stressed you don’t eat or take proper care of yourself.”
“Well duh,” she muttered. “I can assure you that my marriage crumbling around me isn’t exactly lighting my world on fire.”
He sighed. “We’re both miserable, baby. Doesn’t that tell you anything? We both still love each other. I certainly love you. If we’re so unhappy apart, don’t you see that the logical thing to do is get back together so we can make one another happy again?”
“Because I’m afraid,” she said frankly. “You’ve broken too many promises to me, Tate.”
His nostrils flared and he went silent a moment before pushing his plate forward. He propped his elbows on the table and directed his stare at her.
“Maybe my news will prove to you that I’m trying to change—that I am changing. I’ve partnered with two other guys and expanded my firm to include them. Which means that I’m no longer a one-man show. It also means I won’t have to devote so much time to work or my clients. I have two partners now to share in juggling clients and their needs. I did this for us, Chessy. Because I let my career get in the way of our relationship. I let it overrun all else. That wasn’t fair to you and I’m prepared to go to whatever lengths necessary to make amends.”
Chessy stared at him in utter disbelief. Tate had been so adamant about not taking on another partner after his first one had bailed. He’d been determined to make his business a success without anyone else.
“It will be made public tomorrow,” Tate continued. “But I wanted you to hear it from me. And for you to understand why I did it. I did it for you. To hopefully help you see the commitment I’m making to you. To our marriage. You mean more to me than my business, my career, money, worldly possessions. Having it all means nothing if I don’t have what’s most important in my life. You.”
Of anything she may have expected him to say, this was not it. She was shocked at the matter-of-fact way he’d said he was taking on not one, but two partners. Tate was extremely possessive and proprietary when it came to his clients. He was a hands-on person who didn’t believe in allowing anyone else to handle matters he himself could personally see to. He didn’t trust other people not to fuck up.
This was huge. It was epic. She had no idea what to say to his announcement. Instead she simply stared openmouthed at him.
“I hope this will at least show you that I’m very serious about doing whatever it takes to win you back,” he said quietly. “And it’s only the beginning, Chess. There will be no afterhours calls. No client dinners unless you go with me. The weekends will be ours and I’m going to start taking vacation days more frequently so we can travel together.”
She shook her head in confusion. “I don’t get it. Why now? If you could have done this sooner, why didn’t you?”
His eyes darkened with regret. And they grew suspiciously wet, which made her even more aghast. She’d never seen Tate cry. Ever. He was always the strong one while she was the emotional wreck. She cried over sad movies, happy movies, those sappy Hallmark commercials at Christmas. S
he cried over news stories. Hell, she cried when she was happy. But Tate?
“I should have done it a long time ago,” he admitted. “I have no excuse other than I took you for granted. I took your love for granted. I wanted it all. The perfect wife, the perfect career. It was never enough. No matter how successful my firm became, I always wanted more until there was nothing left.
“Seeing what I did to you, what my neglect caused, was a huge wake-up call for me. I stood by and let another man abuse you. Do you have any idea what that did to me? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. All I can see is you huddled on the floor crying. All I can remember is you screaming your safe word. Every night when I go to bed, that entire night plays over and over in my head. It’s not something I’ll ever get over, Chessy. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
“I wish I could believe you,” she said wistfully.
He reached across the table and captured her hand. “Just give me a chance, Chessy. One more time. I’ll never ask for another. If I fail you again, I’ll leave. The house and everything in it will be yours. You’ll never want for a single thing. I’ll make sure of it.”
She closed her eyes and paused. “There’s something I have to tell you, Tate. Something I only just found out. It’s why I came over tonight. It changes everything and I don’t know what to do.”
Concern blazed over his face. His grip tightened around her hand. She took a deep breath and put it out there.
“I’m pregnant, Tate. I’m pregnant with your child.”
TWENTY-SIX
TATE stared back at Chessy in shock, sure he hadn’t heard her correctly. But the fear and apprehension in her eyes told him he had. Close on the heels of shock came unfettered joy—and relief. He’d been so afraid of what it was Chessy had to tell him. It’s why he’d pulled out all the stops in his bid to win her back because he didn’t want her to tell him she was filing for divorce.
He squeezed her hand, temporarily incapable of speech. Tears burned his eyelids and she stared at him, stunned, when one trickled down his cheek. He didn’t bother wiping it away. He wanted her to realize the magnitude of this moment for him.
“Chessy, that’s wonderful,” he whispered.
“But you didn’t want children,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “You wanted to wait. Every time I brought it up, you said maybe next year. And I want you to know I didn’t do this on purpose. The very last thing I would have done is bring a child into an unstable marriage. It must have happened the weekend of our anniversary. I forgot to take my birth control pills.”
Unable to bear the distance between them one more second, Tate stood and walked around to her chair and pulled her up and into his arms. He hugged her tightly, his shoulders heaving with emotion. So much love welled up in his heart and soul. He closed his eyes and prayed for another chance to make things right. He had a family now. More than just him and Chessy. They had a child.
“Come into the living room so we can talk,” he gently urged.
She allowed him to lead her to the sofa and they sat down together. He pulled her into his arms and thank God she didn’t resist. He savored having her in his arms again. The last few weeks had been hell for him. Not being able to see her, talk to her, touch her. And yet he saw her every single day when he entered his house. Her stamp was on every single item in the house. It was impossible to look anywhere without seeing her reflection.
“First of all, it never crossed my mind that you got pregnant on purpose. But even if you had, I’d be overjoyed. Secondly, we’ve already established what a dumbass I am. I knew how much you wanted children. I wanted them too. But there were two reasons I wanted to hold off. One was me being purely selfish. I wanted you to myself a little longer and I knew once we had a child that I’d have to share you with our son or daughter. It shames me to say that, but I won’t lie to you. The other reason was because I wanted to be sure I could provide for my family financially. But Chessy, I’m thrilled that you’re pregnant. Is that why you haven’t been feeling well?” he asked anxiously. “Is everything okay with the pregnancy? Have you seen a doctor yet?”
“I haven’t seen an obstetrician yet,” she admitted. “I only found out because I went to my general practitioner to ask for medication for my stress and anxiety. They obviously ran a pregnancy test when they drew blood and it was then he told me I was pregnant. I knew I had to tell you right away so here I am.”
“Thank you for not keeping this from me,” he said. “I want to be able to share in every aspect of your pregnancy. I want to go to every doctor’s appointment and I want to see our child grow inside you. Feel him or her kick for the first time. And watch you grow rounder and more beautiful with each passing day.”
“You act as though me being pregnant fixes everything,” Chessy said quietly. “It doesn’t, Tate. We still have so much to work out. I keep going back and forth with myself over whether to see a divorce attorney or not.”
Tate’s blood ran cold and he was seized by paralyzing fear. But he had to keep calm. He couldn’t afford to do or say the wrong thing and drive her away for good.
“I know we have a lot to work out, but I’m willing to try. Are you?”
She bit into her bottom lip nervously, her eyes cloudy with uncertainty. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “This whole thing has thrown me for a loop. I don’t know what the right decision is. I just know I can’t continue on like it was before. Our child deserves better. I deserve better.”
“Yes, you do deserve better than I’ve given you,” Tate said, not even bothering to hide the truth in her statement. “And I’m committed to giving you better. One hundred and ten percent of me from now on. But I can’t do that if we’re apart. I need you here. Where I can take care of you and our baby. You aren’t happy. I’m not happy. What do we have to lose by trying?”
“I can’t make that decision in a split second,” she murmured. “I need time, Tate. I need time to think. To process this all. I only just found out about my pregnancy. I haven’t had time to figure out what’s best for our child or for me. Much less us.”
And yet she’d come to him at her first opportunity. She hadn’t tried to hide the fact that she was pregnant. That gave him hope that all wasn’t lost. She’d trusted him enough to confide in him. But then she was inherently honest. Hiding anything wasn’t in her nature. It was one of the things he loved most about her. She wasn’t adept in disguising her emotions, her moods. He knew them all.
He wanted her back before he knew about their child, but did she realize that? Surely she did. He’d certainly not made it a secret in his relentless pursuit of her over the last weeks. But he had no way of knowing how or what she was thinking. It was new and frustrating for him. He’d always been able to count on her predictability. A quality some men might not find attractive, but for Tate, always knowing just where he stood with Chessy and knowing she always stood with him had been a source of great comfort. But it had also been his greatest downfall because he’d grown too complacent, too confident in the fact that she was with him through thick and thin.
Never would he take her for granted again, but he had to find a way to convince her of that. Words were just words and they no longer held any power with her.
“I’ll give you time,” he conceded. “But please don’t shut me out, Chess. Allow me to see you and our baby. Let me go to the doctor with you. I won’t pressure you and I won’t demand anything you’re unwilling to give me. But give me a chance to show you that I’ve truly changed, starting with the announcement of my partnership tomorrow. I’d like us to start over. Whatever I have to do to regain your trust I’ll do.”
“You want to date?” she asked skeptically.
“I want us to see each other,” he corrected. “I’d rather not live apart while we’re doing it, but if you need time and space, I’ll give it to you. But I want to see you, which means coming over, going out to dinner, you coming here so I can cook dinner for you like tonight.
I’d like to go to your first obstetrician appointment and be included in your prenatal care. I want to talk about baby names and pick out baby furniture and clothing.”
Her expression softened and his pulse sped up. She was caving. He could see it. But it was a hollow victory at best because he still didn’t have what he most wanted. Her back in his life, his house, his bed. But he had to believe that in time those things would come. The alternative didn’t bear thinking about.
“I’ll consider everything you’ve said,” Chessy finally said. “I should be going now. Kylie and Jensen are going to be worried. They didn’t want me to come alone.”
Tate’s expression darkened. “Do they think I’m some ogre who’s going to abuse you?”
“No,” Chessy said softly. “But they’re afraid you’ll hurt me. Emotionally. And I’m not in a good place right now. As I said before the whole reason I went to the doctor was to ask for medication for anxiety and depression. Instead I found out I’m pregnant. I’m scared. More scared than I’ve ever been in my life. This isn’t easy for me, Tate. I’m not used to questioning my every decision, but I’ve continued to make bad ones. I can’t afford to do that now that I have a child to consider.”
Tate closed his eyes, the ache in his heart making his chest hurt. “I wish you wouldn’t go. I’d like you to stay so we can talk. About the baby. Our future.”
“It hasn’t been decided yet if we have a future,” she pointed out. “I’m open to seeing you. On my terms, not yours. But ultimately the decision resides with me and I expect you to respect that.”
He bit his tongue against the urge to argue. To try and wear her down. Only her complete look of fragility and fatigue halted him. The last thing she needed was more stress piled on top of her.
Patience. This was going to require patience, a trait he was very unfamiliar with. He’d never had to wait on anything in his life. When he’d met Chessy, he’d immediately known she was the one, and he’d pursued her and won her in short order.
And now he’d lost her.
“When can I see you then?” he asked bluntly.
“I’ll call you,” she said.
He made a sound of impatience. If he waited for her to call he may well wait forever.
“I will call you, Tate,” she said quietly. “I just need a few days. I have a lot of thinking to do. Perhaps we can get together this weekend.”
It took everything he had to sit there and agree when his gut was screaming at him to argue, to chip away at the wall between them until she gave in. But he didn’t want a reluctant victory. He wanted it all. Chessy. Their baby. Her heart, soul and body. And he wanted it given freely. Not because he’d forced her into a corner.
“I’ll wait for your call then,” he finally conceded. “But promise me if anything crops up, if there are any problems with your pregnancy, that you’ll let me know so I can be there.”
“I have no intention of keeping anything from you, Tate.”
She rose from the couch and he caught her hand, reluctant for her to leave just yet.
“Do you have to go now?”
She nodded. “I don’t want Kylie and Jensen or Joss and Dash to worry. They’ve worried enough about me lately.”
“I’ve worried about my girl too,” Tate said in a low voice.
Hurt immediately echoed in her eyes at the endearment. He hadn’t meant to land a blow. It just slipped out, a natural pet name he’d always used for her.
“Tell me something, Tate,” she said, cocking her head to the side. “Do you miss me? Or do you miss the convenience of having me around. Would any woman do in my stead? Do you just not like being alone?”
He sucked in his breath at the hollow pain he felt in every word she uttered. It hurt him that she could possibly even think such a thing.
“No other woman could ever fill your shoes, baby. Of course I miss you. And I damn sure don’t like being alone but it’s because I’m not with you. Given a choice between being alone or being with someone other than you, then I’d choose to be alone.”
He knew he scored points with his answer because for the first time, uncertainty flickered in her eyes. As if she were truly second-guessing her decision to remain apart from him. He could only hope that she changed her mind in short order because every day without her was a day in hell.
TWENTY-SEVEN
THE next morning Chessy was sitting in the living room, newspaper in hand turned to the business section while contemplating the evening before with Tate when Joss and Kylie both burst through the front door.
“Did you see the . . . ?”
Joss broke off when she saw the newspaper Chessy was holding.
“Ah, I guess you have seen it then,” Joss finished.
“If you’re referring to the article about Tate’s partnership with two other financial guys then yeah,” Chessy murmured. “But I knew. He told me last night.”
“And you didn’t tell us?” Kylie demanded.
“I was emotionally wrung out by the time I got in last night,” Chessy replied. “I was too confused to rehash it all then. Hell, I’m still confused. I can’t figure out his angle and it’s driving me crazy.”
Joss sat down on the couch next to Chessy, her eyes full of love and understanding. “Have you considered his only angle is winning you back at any cost, sweetie?”
“But that’s just it. With Tate it’s all about winning whether in business or his personal life, but especially in business. How do I know I’m not just some giant victory for him? I mean, how am I supposed to know if he’s truly sincere this time? It’s not like he hasn’t had multiple opportunities. So what’s changed now? And in his defense, he told me about taking on partners and lightening his work load so he could devote more time to our marriage before I told him I was pregnant.”
“Then maybe he really does mean it this time,” Kylie admitted.
Chessy looked at her in surprise because up to now she’d been Tate’s biggest