“I have to go home. Ms. Porter needs her medicine.”
“When we gonna hang out, Yo? You never want to do anything but school work. You gotta live a little. Have some fun. Tell you what. How about you meet me on your stoop at eleven tonight. The old bag will be half dead by then.”
“I can’t. Sorry. I’ll see ya around.”
I tried to get away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. Three other guys enclosed me, one I didn’t even know from our hood. He was young. Like me. The other three were Falcon’s age. Old enough to know better.
“Leave me alone. I’ll scream,” I threatened, my heart pounding heavy in my chest. I was a pea next to one of them, let alone three of them.
“Leave me alone, I’ll scream,” The ring leader patronized me by mimicking my words. I bet his heart wasn’t pounding though. Not like mine.
“Stop it,” I said again, repeating myself over and over. The young one was the daring one.
“Stop it,” Tommy said again in a whiny tone. Mine wasn’t whiny. Mine was scared shitless. Shaky and full of fear. Fear that pumped rapidly through my veins.
I didn’t see what happened directly after that. The next thing I knew I was somewhere else. Somewhere besides the street that I kept myself planted on.
I was an initiation. A seventeen-year-old helping a thirteen year old get into the Birds. A commencement into a gang. Three of them held me down and watched while the newest member did whatever he wanted to me. And just when I thought I was done, the other three helped themselves, too. They didn’t care about me. They didn’t care about my cries, my pleas to stop. They didn’t care. Nobody cared.
I knew where I was because it wasn’t the first time I’d been on that nasty mattress. Falcon took me there when his momma was home. But nobody else. Everyone knew better. The thought of asking for the drugs Tommy Boy promised crossed my mind. I wanted to go there. Where my mom used to go when a needle was inserted to her veins. To a better place.
I ran all the way to Ms. Porters, tears streaking my face for solitude. For a sign of one decent human being. Somebody who cared.
“Where the fuck have you been? I could have stroked out waiting for my medicine.”
It wasn’t her. She didn’t even see the devastation on my face. She wanted her TV dinner and another glass of wine. That’s all she cared about.
“I’m talking to you, you little slut. I knew it. I knew it would just be a matter of time before you started spreading your legs for every black boy in this neighborhood. That where you been, slut?”
I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to die. I wanted my twin. That’s when I ran. I went to my small bedroom and packed only what I had to have. A few clothes, a stuffed moon, and seven dollars that I had been saving to run away. Money I kept back every time Ms. Porter sent me to the store.
That would get me to the end of the street, but I didn’t care. I left anyway. I left with Ms. Porter calling after me.
“Hey, where you going? Get back here, you little slut.” I ran until I couldn’t run anymore.
~~
My eyes opened to me on my computer. Not this me. The before me. Paxton was watching a muted video of him behind me. My heart hurt and I understood why. Why I looked like a robot when he touched me. I shut down. I shut all the way down. The only expression I showed was blank. Had I not seen Paxton pounding me from behind, I would have never known we were even going at it.
“Paxton?”
The screen instantly closed in front of me. I didn’t even care about that. I just didn’t want to remember anymore. I knew what was happening. I read about it. Some trauma patients remembered in steps. Their brain rested and gave them just enough each time. It wasn’t even like a memory, but it was. I knew it happened, and I knew that’s why I had nothing for Paxton then. I wanted it to stop. I didn’t want to remember anymore. My life was better off from this point forward. Post-accident.
“What?” he said, barely a whisper.
I swallowed the lump and spoke through the horsiness. “Will you put your arm around me?”
I moved a little and snuggled into his chest. Eyes wide open. I wasn’t about to go back to sleep. I wasn’t sure I’d ever sleep again. I had enough. I didn’t want to remember.
Chapter Twenty
Paxton never did admit it, but he loved my vacation plans. Four days at the water resort where he could relax. Perfect waterpark for two little girls. The first day was spent being tired from the flight, yet a lot of fun. Neither Rowan nor Ophelia asked about Disneyland. They were too busy sliding down the multiple slides.
I shielded my eyes from the sun and looked up to Paxton, holding a drink with a pink and white umbrella.
“Thanks, lover.”
“Shh, this is a family resort. Are you seriously making them wait four days?” he asked as one leg went to each side of the lounge chair.
“Look at them. I don’t think they’re going to mind. Relax and enjoy it,” I said while sipping the fruity drink. Awful. If it was someone’s attempt to make a fig-and-bourbon-fizz, they sucked. I didn’t even have a fig.
“What’s wrong?” Paxton asked, eyes darting toward his nose.
I shook off my drink analyzing, letting my vison return to him.
“Nothing. Isn’t this a nice place?”
“It’s perfect. They can play on everything here, and we can see them.”
“Why do you think I picked it?”
“So we’re not spending every day here running around in the heat?”
“Not unless you want to.”
“Hell no. One day in Disneyland is plenty for me.”
It was plenty for me, too. I had the best time of my life those few days. We met another family with the same idea, and spent a lot of time with them. They had boys, but Phi and Ophelia liked them just the same.
Jack and Dee. The Willards. Dee lusted over my husband the entire time, telling me how lucky I was. I felt lucky. I got drunk around Paxton for the first time our second night there. Bloviated drunk.
I woke naked in our adjacent room alone. I sort of remembered it, but not really. I knew I moved my crotch to Paxton’s mouth and rode his tongue, I knew I took one for the team, and I knew a came. A lot. I just didn’t remember the details.
It was fine though. The next night was reenacted per Paxton’s request. Tongue riding became my new hobby, and I let him give it to me up the ass. I may or may not have enjoyed it. Regardless, I was satisfied, multiple times.
We spent the entire day at Disneyland on Friday. It was fun, but hot. The girls got whiny until after lunch and then they were fine. An afternoon rain kept us inside, watching a Disney movie through a simulator. The girls loved that. They really thought they were there, and even Paxton ducked when monkey flew right at us.
I took the time in the dark to seduce my husband. His hand moved mine from the button on his shorts, but I didn’t back down. I handed him the shopping bag we’d just bought T-shirts in, and popped his button. “Let me jack you off,” I said close to his ear, whispering my intentions with sexy words. He covered my hand with the bag and scooted down in his chair.
At least two-hundred people huddled in the same area, and not one of them were aware of the sexual excitement going on around them. Not even our own children, giggling, totally engrossed in the life like show going on around us. At one point, I even dropped my brochure on the floor. Of course I had to get it. My head stayed still while I reached for it, and sucked clear to the back of my throat. That was only once. Paxton wouldn’t let me do it again, but he was turned on with the secrecy as much as I was. He came in my hand ten minutes before the movie was over. Thank God for baby wipes.
That was our entire week, fun during the day and erotic after dark. Sometimes. We did ask our new friends to watch our girls once while we used the bathroom for a quickie. We exchanged the favor for them to go out to a dinner alone for their anniversary. All and all I couldn’t have asked for a better vacation. Thank God Paxton didn’t decide to be a dick for
ten days. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss a single second of our trip. I would leave California a happy girl.
Our last night was epic. Ophelia had princess birthday party with Cinderella and fireworks.
“You know Rowan’s going to want a vacation birthday, right?” Paxton asked with a kiss to my cheek. We stood back and watched our little girls interact with the fake people they looked up to. I leaned back to Paxton’s chest and laughed when Ophelia assured Cinderella that she would have to find another job when she got big because she was going to work there and there could only be one Cinderella.
Paxton wrapped his arms around me, pinning mine to my body, and kissed my neck. “Bossy little thing.”
“She’s yours. What do you expect?”
Paxton and I made the most amazing love that night. It wasn’t even meant to happen. I was on my way of getting drunk to ensure we left the water resort with a bang. It didn’t happen that way at all. Paxton left me and the girls alone in their room to read the new book Cinderella gave Ophelia for her birthday. Autographed and all. Both girls listened quietly while I read the story they’d heard a thousand times.
I’d just kissed their sleeping heads and covered them up when Paxton came to find me. Our bodies met at the door in crash. His hands stopped me with a hold to my arms. I don’t know what happened or why after that. I looked up to him with feeling hitting me hard. Glitter.
Paxton held my arms and my gaze. “I’ve never said this to you.”
I sounded like an idiot when I spoke. A voice I didn’t recognize. “Said what?”
“I love you.”
Glitter exploded in my chest, and I stopped breathing. Not only was I not expecting the words, I wasn’t expecting the reaction. Paxton loved me. Why was that such a shocker? I mean, I sensed it, I felt it, but I never imagined hearing it. Not from Paxton. Not ever.
I responded by pulling myself to his lips on the tips of my toes. I didn’t say it back. I kissed him. Paxton kissed me back and closed the door between our room and the girl’s room. I don’t know what made it so different. The way he looked at me as he thrusted himself in and out of me? The tender way his hands explored my body? The way my body became possessed by his body on mine? Or maybe it was the way exploded together. Whatever it was, it was out of this world, and something else changed between us. A little more was chipped away, and I got a little closer. I was irrevocably in love with Paxton Pierce. I was in love with my life.
Once again, I let my guard down and fell. I fell so hard, and I knew with all my heart and saw, if I fell, if he let me go, it would hurt. It would devastate me. A wound I wasn’t sure I could survive.
I went on that trip with the intentions of bringing up a separation. Frustrated with my nine day silent treatment. I left with it being the furthest thing from my mind. I didn’t want go back to Florida. I wanted to stay in Disneyland where life was a fairytale. My fairytale.
Our flight home was bittersweet. The girls watched a movie, colored in their new princess coloring books, and napped. Rowan’s head rested on my lap, and Ophelia slept in one of the seats. She wasn’t tired. She just wanted to look out the window. I sat right beside my husband, hanging on to every word he said about his plans to try my idea. I was one hundred percent sure we’d have a waterfall slide before Rowan and Ophelia started school.
We used the tiny space in the bathroom for our own pleasure again, and then we slept, too. Four hours of sound sleep. We both needed that. Me especially. I kept my eyes open every night for as long as I could, afraid of another memory I didn’t want.
I hadn’t even felt us land before I heard Paxton, quietly calling my name. I raised up and stretched, seeing the bright sun. Ahh, normal time. Finally. Three hours was hard as hell to get used to. Especially for a five and six year old. They couldn’t make it past eight p.m. That meant they didn’t sleep in either. Our late night rendezvous caught up with us by the end of our stay.
The girls were wide awake, skipping across the parking lot like they were going to Disneyland. Me. Not so much. I needed coffee. Paxton held my hand and yawned with me, heading to our awaiting car. I let go of his hand and skipped ahead with girls when his phone rang. The way he answered told me it was work.
“Pierce Pools and Landscaping. This is Paxton.”
My little critters squealed when I ran up behind them and growled, stiff fingers to their ribs. Ophelia sat straight down. I had to step over her to keep from falling. She did that every single time. I laughed and looked back to Paxton’s serious expression.
“First Carter Bank? Yeah, I know where it is, but I don’t bank there. Did you see her there?”
Now I paid attention.
“Mommy, I get to sit behind you. Tell Phi it’s my turn. She got to pick the snacks.”
“Snacks don’t count. Right, Mom?” Ophelia asked and then the argument broke out.
Snacks don’t count. Those were the fighting words. I ignored the argument over nothing for the words spoken right behind me.
“Delgardo? I mean, yeah. My wife’s maiden name was Delgardo, but not Izabella. I’m not sure who that is. Can I call you tomorrow? I literally just landed from vacation with my family. I can meet you tomorrow afternoon.”
Paxton scooped Ophelia up from behind and dropped her to his shoulders, ending the conversation. My hair flipped to my back when I looked behind me with a need to read his face. It was sneaky, like a cat ready to pounce on a juicy mouse. I was the mouse.
“No fighting. We just got home.”
My heart beat fast with adrenaline. Isabella. He knew something about Izzy.
“Paxton, who was that?”
I expected to see the smirk back. The Paxton that hated me, but I didn’t. His expression was worried. Maybe a little sad. “A private investigator. He has some information about the day you left. Some footage from First Carter Bank. I didn’t really understand it. An abandoned car was left in their parking lot. It was registered to an Isabella Delgardo. That’s your maiden name. Do you know who that is?”
“I think so. What did he say? Where is she?”
Paxton opened the back door and both girls climbed in. I held onto Rowan’s shoulders and whispered in her ear. “It’s her birthday. Can you sit behind, Daddy?” she nodded in agreement and smiled. I patted her on the butt and winked a thank you.
Paxton close the door and turned to me, worry in his eyes and across his forehead. “Who is it, Gabriella?”
“I don’t know for sure, Pax. Remember I asked you if I had a sister. I’m sure I do. I’m sure she’s Izzy Delgardo, but why don’t you know that?”
“You told me it was only you. You said your mother got caught coming into the country illegally when you were like three, or maybe five. I don’t know. You said you grew up in foster homes. Did you lie to me?”
I could see the internal fight he struggled with. He wanted to lash out at me, but he didn’t want to ruin what we’d been working so hard to nourish into this.
“Don’t do this, Pax. I don’t know. I have no idea what I said to you before, and you know that.”
“Is this going to change things, Gabriella?” His voice was crackly and his eyes were stressed.
I shrugged my shoulders and pleaded for him to understand. “Paxton, I swear. I don’t know.”
“Should I ignore this? Delete the email?”
I should have said yes. I should have told him right then and there that I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t do it. My twin. I wanted to know. I had to know.
“I don’t think we can. Do you?”
“Mom! Rowan licked my hand,” Ophelia called, nose smashed against the window.
Paxton opened my door and I got into a silent car. I didn’t hear the arguing going on in the backseat, the stern way he told them to knock it off, or the weather update on the radio. A tropical storm was scarcely away from getting hurricane status, expected to hit land in four days.
That night was the first day of the rest of my life. The girls settled down by se
ven, both sound asleep on the sofa by eight. Rowan slept with her legs over mine and Ophelia slept in some sort of twisted pretzel position, curled beside her dad. Paxton repositioned her to keep her from waking with a stiff neck. Her head hit the pillow with dead weight and her fell, right between Paxton’s legs. He grunted and grabbed his nuts while moving her foot.
My fingers laced with his and I leaned into him. His lips met my forehead and he questioned my state of awareness. “What’s on your mind, Gabriella?”
I sighed a heavy breath and traced each of his fingers with mine. “I’m not ready to hand over my happy. I feel like it’s my turn. Like I deserve it. Ya know?”
“You do deserve it, Gabriella. Where was this girl six years ago?”
I shrugged, sputtering air from my lips. “Would you have given me the time of day had you met this me?”
“I don’t know. I only gave you what you wanted.”
“I don’t know what that means, Pax.”
“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just wait and see what he has. It’s probably nothing.”
I knew that wasn’t the case. It couldn’t be. How many Isabella Delgardo’s could there be? My Clyde. It was Izzy, it had to be Izzy.
“It does matter Paxton. What if it’s her? My sister?”
“Stop, Gabriella. I don’t even know how to comprehend that right now. You told me there was no one but you.”
“Why did I tell you that? Why, Paxton?”
“I don’t want to talk about this around the girls. Talk about something else.”
Defeated air fell from my lungs. Another puzzle piece that didn’t fit. That didn’t make a bit of sense.
“I’m going to shower,” I said with a heavy heart. I was exhausted, and my head hurt. Maybe I would take one of my pain pills and knock myself out. Maybe it would keep me from remembering the next piece.
Paxton pulled back on my hand and made me look back at him. “I want you in my bed.”
I smiled, my hand place to his hand. “I want to be there, too.”
I went to my own shower, finishing in record time. The water was far from being hot. I didn’t need to be mechanically inclined to know there was no hot water. I did a quick drive-by on my legs, skipping my sex altogether. I dried off with chattering teeth and sprinted up the steps to Paxton. I didn’t even stop and look in on the girls. I couldn’t. My bones were frozen.