by Tillie Cole
“Maddie,” I hushed out, but she stared into the distance and I couldn’t stop her. I knew she was lost in the memory, just like I got lost in mine.
“He led me down a long hallway until we reached a room at the end. I watched him open the door, and when it opened I remember not being able to comprehend what I was seeing. There were ropes and chains hanging from the ceilings. There were handcuffs and heavy chains attached to the walls, and in the center of the room was a table. A table with shackles of all sizes to attach to wrists and feet.”
I closed my eyes, unable to get that fucked up scene out of my head. Maddie’s hands began to go cold. “He took me in there, Flame. He led me in by the hand and he locked the door behind us.
“I remember jumping at the sound of the locks snapping, and then he stood before me. I remember he lifted his hand. I remember he lifted his hand and stroked it down my cheeks. He would call me his little beautiful evil girl. Then he leaned forward and removed my headdress. I remember being scared that it was sinful for him to bare my hair,” Maddie sucked in a breath, and with a broken voice, said, “but that was the very last thing I should have feared. Because what came next set the course of my life, until I was freed just months ago.”
Maddie’s eyes looked lost. I wanted to say something to her, but the flames in my blood were back at the thought of someone hurting her. The flames were in my blood, scalding my flesh at the thought of that cunt hurting her, of taking her into to that torture chamber.
Maddie’s hand gripped tighter still, and she blurted, “He ripped my dress from my back, Flame. He cut off my undergarments. He lifted me up naked and placed me on the table. Within seconds he had tied me down with the smallest set of shackles. I remember panicking because I could not move. I remember trying to free myself. Then I remember Moses suddenly standing before me, naked, holding his manhood in his hands. Looking back now, he must have been in his mid-thirties at the time. And I was six. He was so much older than I, yet he wanted me in a carnal way.”
Maddie’s breathing caught in her throat. I lifted my chest to try and calm her down. Then her cheeks paled and she added, “He started telling me that I was evil. That my looks were too tempting for men to resist, and that he had been charged with purifying my soul. I remember him slowly climbing on the table, his large body hovering above me, and I remember his hand lifting to run over my bare chest, his fingers squeezing my small nipples between his fingers. I was so confused. I did not understand why he was touching me in my private places.
“And then he lay above me, between my little spread legs. But I could not get free; I tried and I tried to get free. But it was no use. I was trapped, and Brother Moses relished it.” Maddie’s whole body tensed and her eyes winced. “And then he pushed himself inside of me. So hard and so rough that I remember screaming so loudly that my ears rang. I feared I had been split open, the pain was that great. But my scream only spurred him to strike my cheek and tell me shut up. He did not stop. Trapped on that table, he took me over and over, again and again. So many times, that I eventually passed out. When I awoke I was back in my quarters with Bella, Mae and Lilah, all surrounding my bed. And as I awoke, I remember feeling the agonizing pain coming from between my legs. Looking down, I saw blood. So much blood.” Tears were now falling freely from Maddie’s eyes, but she wiped them away to add, “And it never stopped. If anything, his ‘schooling’ of me became worse. I instantly learned to dread that room. Then after a while, it became my life. And that’s when I died inside.”
Maddie blinked fast and looked down at me. Her lip twitched and a sad smile played on her full lips. “Until you appeared, the unlikeliest of saviors. Flame, you saved me from him. From that life… from never knowing what it was like to hold hands. To kiss and to make such sweet love that it still feels like a dream. You have no idea how special you are to me.” Maddie held up our joined hands and said, “Even now, looking at these hands, I am terrified this is all in my head, that being here with you, is just another fantasy that will never be realized. That I am sitting at my window, sketching a future I pray will happen, before I blink and discover it is all in my head, that I must be content to simply watch you from afar.”
Maddie leaned down and pressed her lips to my forehead. When she pulled back, her hands were stroking my hair. “But then I feel this new, strange, overwhelming feeling in my heart, and know this is all real. That I have been saved, again. Because I feel fear and hope pulsing simultaneously through my body. I feel giddy and nervous at the same time. And I cannot breathe at the thought of being without you, for even one second.” Maddie’s hand lowered to rest on my cheeks, and she said, “So you may think you cannot be loved. But in my heart, in my healing soul, I am begging the question, how can you not? Because for me, you are truth. My truth. My heart, is all you.” Maddie smiled, the pretty sight like a punch straight in the heart. “I love you, Flame. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you believe that you are worthy of being loved.”
I groaned on hearing those words. I wrapped my arms around Maddie’s neck, bringing her down to my chest. I held her tight and rasped, “I can’t fucking stand the thought of that cunt doing what he did to you.”
Maddie’s arms tucked around my waist, and with her cheek on my chest, she admitted, “And I cannot bear the thought that someone hurt you either. Even now, I cannot fathom what really happened to you. I know that they hurt you at your church. I know it is because you do not see the world as everyone else does. But… who is he? Who is the man you refer to? The one who enters your mind? The one who takes you to the hatch and hurts you? I believe like Brother Moses did to me.”
I held her tighter as I thought of his face. His hard face and those eyes that stared at me with such hatred. I thought of the darkness, of the dirt floor… and the screaming… the motherfucking screaming…
“Flame?” Maddie called, summoning me from the darkness with a simple kiss on my chest.
I held her tighter, and confessed, “I’ve… I’ve never told anyone before…” My lungs squeezed, I could hear his voice pushing through, You evil little shit. You took her from us and now all he does is scream. Here, you fucking deal with it…
“Shh, Flame. All is well,” Maddie soothed.
I focused on her hands around my waist and her soft breathing on my chest, then I rasped, “The snakes didn’t work.”
Maddie tensed and her arms squeezed tighter. I stared at the ceiling and said, “The church, the poison; none of it worked. For months and months he kept taking me back to the church, back to Pastor Hughes. But nothing they did worked. He said the flames would never leave. That I was evil, and everything I touched would be ruined too. I never got better at understanding things, at being like normal people. And eventually they gave up taking me to church. But his punishments got worse.”
“Who is he, Flame?” Maddie asked, and his face came into my head again.
“My poppa,” I whispered in reply. My stomach ached at speaking his name aloud. “He said I was evil. That I had flames running in my blood. He tried to get them out through God. Instead he told me that I belonged to the devil. That I was a curse on all of the family, because the devil had made me slow and stupid.”
“Flame,” Maddie whispered, and she lifted her head to look me in the eyes.
“I tried, Maddie. I tried real hard to speak to other kids, but I never said anything right. I… I didn’t understand what I said that made them laugh at me, or cry, or run away. Never ever understood. Every time it happened, my poppa would get more and more angry. And he would hit me, send me to my room because he told me he couldn’t stand to be near me.” I inhaled and continued. “He would see me playing on the floor with my toys, and scream at me that I was evil, that I was a retard. And my mama… he would scream at her too. She would try to get him to stop. She would try over and over again. But he’d hurt her too when she did. When my baby brother was born, he would scream at him too, to stop crying. But he was a baby, and babies cry
all the time.”
Maddie lifted her head and asked, “You have a brother? A mother?”
My stomach fell and I shook my head. I could feel my head twitching. My body jerked and I needed to get up, but Maddie shifted her body to lie across mine and her palms caressed my face.
“They are not here?” When I looked down, my arm was held out, my sharp nails scraping over my veins.
I choked, my throat too tight, and I whispered, “Maddie… I killed them. I hurt them… I fucking killed them…”
Maddie swallowed and prompted, “What do you mean? Talk to me Flame. Do not keep it inside, where it causes you pain. Share it with me. Let me share your pain.”
My eyes shut, and I heard my poppa screaming in my head. “Flame… talk to me, please…” Maddie begged, taking me right back to that day. Right back to that hell…
Poppa had left. I heard the slamming of the door. I relaxed, and laid down on the dirt floor. I was so tired. I was so hungry. But I hadn’t dared to move, hearing his footsteps above me. If he caught me sleeping I would be punished. And my body hurt. The belt hurt and I didn’t want more pain.
Just as I laid my cheek on the dirt, I heard feet moving above me, then stop. I sat straight up and shuffled back into the corner of the hole.
My heart started beating too fast, thinking it was my poppa, and I scratched at my wrists to get out the flames before he could do it himself. I didn’t want his blades on my arm again. They hurt too much.
Then just as I’d sliced my arm with my sharp fingernails, someone laid down on the hatch above. I froze, my eyes trying to search through the cracks. But I couldn’t see anything.
Then a voice drifted down to the cellar where I sat. “Son, can you hear me?”
My body relaxed when I heard the sound of my mama. “Mama?” I whispered and I heard her sob.
“Yes, it’s me. Are you okay?”
“It hurts,” I whispered, and held up my arm to the cracks in the floor, just in case she could see. I could see the blood on my skin.
“I’m trying, Mama. I’m trying to get out the flames so Poppa won’t take me back to church. I don’t like the snakes. The Pastor ties me down and they bite me.”
Mama sniffed. “I know, baby. I know you don’t like them. I don’t either.”
I lowered my arm, and said, “Poppa says I’m a retard. I think… I think that’s bad. Because he hurts me when he calls me it. But I don’t understand what one is?”
My mama sobbed again. “Listen to me, baby. You’re not a retard. No matter what anyone tells you, you’re not a retard. Okay?”
I nodded and dropped my arm. I pushed myself to my feet and tried to reach the floorboards above. But I couldn’t. “Mama?” I asked. “Can you let me out? It’s dark and cold, and I get scared down here on my own.” Mama kept sobbing, but louder this time. My eyebrows pulled down. “Mama? Why are you crying?”
Mama didn’t say anything for a while, then I saw her fingers squeezing through a wide crack in the floor. “Can you see my fingers, baby?”
“Yeah,” I replied.
“Touch my fingers, baby… let me touch your hand.”
I looked around and saw a bit of dirt sticking out of the wall. Moving over, I put my foot on the ledge and lifted myself to touch her fingers. As soon as our fingers touched I took a deep breath. I loved my mama. She was kind, and she never called me names.
Mama cried louder and tightened her fingers around mine. “Mama? Can you get me out now?”
“I can’t,” she cried. “Poppa’s locked you in and I don’t have the key.”
My heart sank. “Okay,” I whispered.
“Baby,” my mama called. My head looked up trying to see her, but I couldn’t. Her voice had changed. I could tell.
“Yeah, mama?”
“I need… I need you to know that I love you. I love you so much, baby… but I’m tired. I’m so tired.”
Mama’s fingers tightened on mine, and they were shaking. “Mama, why are your hands shaking?” I asked.
Mama cried. She cried and cried, and she didn’t stop for such a long time. Then she whispered, “I love you, baby, so much. You’re so special to me. Even if you’re different, you’re my little boy. But…” She sucked in a breath. “But I can’t stay. I can’t stay…”
My heart dropped in fear and I gripped her fingers tighter. “No, Mama. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. I don’t want you to go.” But her fingers began pulling away. “No!” I shouted, and tried to hold them tighter. But I couldn’t keep hold.
“Look after your brother, baby. Protect him and keep him safe,” she hushed out, then her fingers disappeared.
“Mama!” I shouted, but my foot slipped on the dirt ledge and I fell to the hard ground. Mama’s footsteps moved away from the hatch and I heard her say, “I love you, baby. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”
I lifted my knees to my chest and began rocking. Then the house went silent. And I cried. I cried because she’d left me. She touched me, then she left.
Left me here with him…
Opening my eyes, I put my hand on Maddie’s face, and blurted, “She was on the bed. She never left the house like I thought. I heard my poppa screaming from their bedroom when he got home. Then he came to the hatch and dragged me out. He didn’t say anything, just dragged me into their bedroom. And there she was, covered in blood, lying still on the bed.” I moved my hands and pointed to my wrists. “Blood was coming from her wrists. And there was a knife on the bed, at her side. A long sharp knife.”
“Oh no, Flame…”
“And my baby brother was in his crib at Mama’s side, screaming at the top of his lungs. My poppa was pacing, his hands clutching his head. But I couldn’t stop looking at my mama, on the bed. I couldn’t stop looking at the blood… then I saw her eyes. They looked strange. They were staring right at me, but there was no life. It made me feel so sad. I remember my chest tightening and my hands beginning to shake, because of the blood, because she wasn’t moving, and because of her eyes.
“A noise came out of my throat the more I stared at her pale face. When I made the noise, my poppa turned round. His face went red and he pointed at my face, ‘This is your fault you evil little retard. You made her do this. The evil in your veins made her do this. You’re a curse, a curse on this motherfucking family!’
“I didn’t know how I’d done it, but then I remembered I’d touched her. My poppa hadn’t allowed me touch anyone. I was too frightened to touch anyone, in case I hurt them, but I’d held my mama’s fingers. And I knew my touch had killed her.
“Then he came at me, came at me and took me by the collar. He dragged me across the living room, hurting my neck, until we reached the hatch. He lifted the handle, and when I looked down all I could see was the darkness. I shook my head, because I didn’t want to go inside, again. I was scared of the dark, and I wanted to be with my mama and baby brother in the other room. I didn’t want my mama to be gone. I wanted her back. Because she was the only person who ever smiled at me. And I didn’t want to not see her smile again. I didn’t want to be left alone with my poppa. Because he hated me.”
Maddie leaned forward and pressed a kiss on my jaw. But I couldn’t stop, I needed her to know the rest. I needed her to know it all.
“He threw me in, again, Maddie. He threw me into the cellar and slammed the hatch shut. I screamed for him to let me out, but he didn’t come back for me. He left me there, alone. It was so cold, but he left me there, again.”
“For how long?” Maddie’s voice was shaking. I shook my head.
“I don’t know. But I was hungry and tired and cold. I could hear my baby brother screaming all the time. And I could hear my poppa screaming back at him, ordering him to shut up. I rocked back and forth, trying to block out the screaming, trying to get warm. Then the door opened. I scurried to the side of the small cellar, the bright light hurt my eyes. My poppa jumped down. I could smell alcohol on his breath, and in his hand he held the knife that I’d see
n on my mama’s bed. The one she’d cut her arms with.”
“Flame, you do not have to keep going,” Maddie said softly. When I looked at her face, tears flooded down her cheeks.
“I have to,” I croaked in response, and I lifted Maddie's hand to the side of my head. “I want you to understand me. All of me.” I tapped my head. “In here.”
“Flame,” she cried, but I kept going. I had to.
Even now, when I shut my eyes, I could smell the alcohol on my poppa’s breath. My muscles tensed, but I had to continue. “I tried to hide in the corner, but my poppa reached out and pulled me up to stand. He pushed me against the wall and used the knife to slice off my clothes. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t stand the sound of screaming. So I kept my mouth shut. And then I felt it. The knife blade slicing down my back, the pain making my legs shake. And my poppa began to count, ‘One…’ He counted every slice he made. And I felt the pain, but I didn’t scream. I couldn’t bear the screaming. But my poppa just got angrier, and he kept slicing. Kept counting until he reached eleven. He always stopped at eleven, he never got to twelve. The count never reached twelve.
“Then he stepped back and I thought he’d finished. Thought he’d finished trying to get the flames out. But then I heard the zipper on his jeans pull down, and I felt the heat of his chest at my back.”
I wrapped my arms around Maddie, trying not to go back there. Trying not to feel his hot alcohol breath on my face. His hands on my hips.
“I have you, Flame,” Maddie whispered, “I have you. You are not there with him.”
“Maddie,” I groaned, trying to hold on tight. But I needed to tell her. I needed to keep going.