by Tillie Cole
As I entered through the door, her head snapped up. She jumped, and her green eyes were wide, until she whispered my name, “Flame…” and her body lost tension.
My muscles tensed when her cheeks turned pink.
Maddie shut the sketchpad and put her pencil on the windowsill. She then got up from the chair and walked toward me. She smelled of strawberries. Something she’d washed with smelled of strawberries.
“You’re here,” I confirmed. Maddie looked up at me and smiled.
My pulse kicked into overdrive at her smile.
“I wanted to be here when you came home.” She pointed to the kitchen with her finger. “I have made you food for this evening. I will not be here to make it for you and I wanted to be sure you ate.”
My body froze. “Where are you going?”
Maddie’s smile dropped, and she replied, “Lilah and Mae are taking Sarai to church. I am to go with them.”
Like a tidal wave of fire, the flames rushed through my blood, my head snapping back on a hiss. Hands shaking, I brought the blade to my arm and sliced hard. At the feel of the sharp edge ripping through my flesh, I smiled, feeling the relief of the blood flowing from my arm.
“Flame!” Maddie called.
“No…” I snarled. She couldn’t go. She couldn’t leave me.
Maddie took a step back, her palms up in front of her chest. “Flame, stop—”
“You’re not fucking going to that place!” My feet started to pace. All I could see in my head were rows and rows of pews. Screaming. People lying on the floor. And Pastor Hughes’s voice, call, “…In my name they shall cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues…”
The snakes, being tied down, the poison, the pain, unable to move…
“FUCK!” I screamed, as the flames coursed through my veins.
I couldn’t stand them. Couldn’t stand them burning my flesh. Holding my breath, I threw off my Cut and sliced across my torso. I exhaled and bent over at the pain. But then he was in my head.
Fisting my free hand, I slammed it into the side of my skull trying to block out his voice. “GO THE FUCK AWAY!” I shouted. But he was behind me, gripping the back of my neck, taking me to that church.
“Flame! Look at me… please…” I could hear Maddie’s voice in front of me. But it was weak. I closed my eyes trying to push him away, to push the voices away. But they wouldn’t leave. They were there. They were always there, waiting. Waiting to strike when the flames came back. When the evil returned to my blood.
A moan tore from my mouth through gritted teeth. My eyes snapped back open. Maddie stood back against the wall of the living room, watching me with wide eyes. Her chest was pounding hard, and my stomach rolled.
“You can’t fucking go,” I roared again, my eyes blinking too fast. Then I felt it slide across my chest. Felt the slippery skin slithering across my skin, the flames following its path. And they couldn’t do that to her. They couldn’t hurt her like that. She’d suffered enough.
“Flame?”
“And they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them…” The poison. I could feel the poison trickling down my throat. Then it burned. And I couldn’t move.
“Flame… please… you are scaring me.”
I fought to stop the heat in my veins. My feet ground to a halt and I looked at Maddie. “No church. I can’t let you go there. You’re not fucking going there!”
Maddie took a step toward me, but I could see her hands shaking, I could see her lips trembling. I didn’t want to hurt her… “I need to save you…”
Maddie stopped. She took a deep breath and asked, “Save me from what?”
“Them,” I whispered, my hand lifting to her face. Maddie’s eyes went huge as she watched my hand, then I ripped it back, digging the tip of the blade into the skin to make it stop. The evil inside wanted to hurt her with the flames.
I couldn’t let it.
“They’ll hurt you. With serpents and poison, and—”
A knock on the door cut off my words. Maddie watched me. I watched her. “You’re not fucking going!” I bit, and dug sharp fingernails into my palm.
The knock sounded again. “Maddie?”
Mae. It was Mae’s voice.
“Flame,” Maddie said too quietly. I inched in closer, backing her against the wall.
“You’re not leaving.”
Another knock. Louder this time. “Maddie? Are you okay?”
But I never looked away from Maddie’s face. Maddie who was now staring at the door. She then looked to me. “I need to speak to her.”
I crowded her in against the wall, my hands towering over her head as my palms hit the wall. “No,” I ordered in a low voice, “she’ll make you go. And I can’t go in. I can’t fucking go in!”
Maddie’s gaze searched mine. Finally, her shoulders sagged. “I won’t go,” she whispered. “I swear. But I have to tell Mae. I have to tell her I will not be accompanying them or she will bring Styx. And… and I do not want you hurt.”
My arms didn’t move from their cage, but Maddie moved forward and I jumped back before she could touch my chest. She walked to the door, her hands still shaking. I walked right behind her.
Maddie’s hand hovered over the doorknob, and on an inhale, she opened the door. Mae, Lilah and a young kid were standing there.
Mae looked at her sister, then me. “Maddie? Are you ready?”
“I… I will not be coming,” Maddie informed. Mae’s eyebrows pulled down.
“Why not?” Lilah asked.
“I have decided against it.”
The kid, avoiding looking at me, said, “Maddie. I should very much like you to come. I… I would feel better with you all there.”
I saw Maddie’s shoulders stiffen. Before she could agree to go, I snapped, “She’s not fucking going!”
The kid stumbled back into Lilah’s chest.
“Do I need to get Styx?” Mae asked Maddie.
Maddie inhaled a quick breath. “No. Please. Just let me stay.” Maddie glanced back. “Just give me today and tonight.” Her attention snapped to the kid. “We shall go tomorrow.”
‘No!” I roared and lifted my blade to my chest, cutting the flesh over my heart.
“Please, leave,” Maddie begged her sisters. Then the door shut.
But all I could think was that she was going to church tomorrow. She was going to that fucking place.
He’s a fucking retard, Mary. I need to speak to Pastor Hughes… he has evil living within him… he has flames in his blood…
His voice was in my head. His hands were undoing his belt. My skin prickled and my cock hardened at the sound. My feet paced, then led me toward the cellar’s trapdoor.
She left because of you. Your evil blood chased her away, you retarded little cunt...
“No…” I hissed, palming my cock in my leathers. I dropped my blade to the wooden floor next to the cellar’s trapdoor.
“Flame, no…” Maddie’s quiet voice spoke from across the room. But I could already feel him standing behind me, his jeans pulled down. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and I could feel his blade running down my back.
“Flame, please. Do not do this. Not again. Do not take yourself back to that place. To the darkness.”
Lifting my head, I growled, “I am darkness. I am pain. I am motherfucking death.”
“No!” Maddie called, lurching forward as I kneeled down and ripped open my zipper.
A shout ripped from my throat as I felt his sharp blade slice down my spine. The flames. We’ll get the retard's flames out… I heard in my mind.
Reaching into my leathers, I pulled out my cock, stroking it in my hands.
A cry sounded before me, and when I looked up, Maddie’s hand was in front of her mouth and tears were pouring down her face. “Maddie…” I whispered, feeling my throat clog up at her green eyes filling with tears. I could feel her upset. I could fucking feel what I was doing to her.
&n
bsp; But I couldn’t stop what had already started. I needed to get my leathers to the floor. He would get angry if my pants weren’t on the floor and he couldn’t take me. Because he always took me. Without fail.
Feeling him close in, I heard Maddie rush across the floor. I lifted my eyes, wanting her to stay, needing her to stay, to help block him out. But Maddie backed away toward the bathroom.
“Maddie… please…” I croaked as my hand reached for the blade on the floor and my hand worked my cock faster.
She shook her head, “I cannot… I cannot watch this again, Flame… I simply cannot…” She rushed into the bathroom and shut the door. Just as I hunched on the floor, he slammed inside me. And the pain came. In my mind the pain came, then on my body when the tip of my knife dragged across my thigh.
My hand pumped faster, as he slammed inside me, ripping my insides. I closed my eyes, hearing his voice with every thrust. “She left because of you.” Thrust. Pain. “She left and that cunt brother of yours screams because she’s gone.” Thrust. Pain. “Gone because she had a fucking evil retard as a son.” Thrust. Pain. “There’s poison and darkness in your corrupted soul.”
The blade dug further into my flesh as I heard his breathing change. His thrusts increased and I knew he was close. I stroked myself faster and faster, until with a slash of the steel on my skin and his low groan in my ear, I came on the floor. I trapped my roar of release behind gritted teeth. Then finally he let me go.
Dropping my blade, I fell to the floor, catching my breath. In the silence, I could hear my deep breathing. And I could see the blood and cum on the floor.
Then the nausea came. But it was worse this time, with the shame came embarrassment. I retched, turning my body just in time to get to the bucket on the floor beside the cellar door. And with every purge I kept my eyes on the door to the bathroom knowing Maddie was inside.
Lifting my head, stomach empty, I wiped at my blade gashes with the rag placed to the side of the bucket. But my gaze was still fixed on that bathroom door. Reaching down, I pulled up my leathers, and crawled on weak arms and legs to the closed door.
My heart hammered as I lifted my hand and pressed my palm to the door. “Maddie…” I whispered, her hand over her mouth and tears running down her cheeks replaying in my mind. There was no sound from the other side of the door. I wanted to go in, I wanted to tell her I was so sorry. But I didn’t know how.
Pulling back my hand, I dragged myself to my feet. I stood, looking out over the room. My eyes fell on the blood and cum dripping through the cracks of the hatch and I felt my stomach lurch again. Moving toward it, I picked up the rag beside the bucket and covered it. I couldn’t bear to look at it.
Then my stomach dropped again when I looked at the chair by the window, that Maddie had been sitting in. And I knew, I just knew when she came out of that bathroom, she would leave.
I knew she would leave. Because everyone left. No one ever wanted me for long.
My feet carried me forward to the chair. Maddie’s sweater was laid over the back. Taking it my hands, I lifted it to my nose and inhaled. And it smelled of her. Of strawberries, and… my Maddie.
Then on the chair, tucked in the side, was her sketchpad. I glanced to the bathroom but the door was still shut. Maddie was still inside. Probably still scared. Probably about to leave.
Reaching forward, feeling drained of all energy—something that happened every time he took me again in my mind—I took hold of the sketchpad and opened it at the first page.
My breath locked in my throat when I saw Maddie’s smiling face look up at me. Moving my finger, I ran it over the outline of her cheek. My hand was shaking as it moved over her hair, her long black hair hanging down her back.
“Maddie,” I whispered as my fingers ran over her lips.
I turned the page to see her walking outside, under the sun. Her hands were in the air like she could feel its warmth. Turning the page again, she was sitting with three girls, with her arms around one, head resting on her shoulder. I recognized Mae and Lilah, but not the third. Although she looked like Mae and Maddie. The same black hair. Maddie’s eyes were closed as she hugged her. And the girl was smiling, holding Maddie back.
Then when I turned another page, every muscle in my body tensed. It was… me, my face, my eyes looking up from the page.
Hands shaking, I quickly turned the next page, and what I saw dropped me to my knees. It was my hand, my hand wrapped in Maddie’s. I traced the outline of our joined fingers with my finger, then drew back my hand. I held it in the air and wondered what it would feel like holding Maddie’s. My eyes fell back to the picture and the lump thickened in my throat.
Finally, I turned the page one last time, and a pained moan slipped from my mouth. It was me, it was her, both standing. And I was holding her. My arms were wrapped around her waist. Her hand and cheek were on my chest. Our eyes were closed, but we looked… happy. Happy to be touched by each other.
Unable to look at that image anymore, I pulled the sketchpad to my chest just as the creaking of the bathroom door told me it had opened.
I snapped my head back, still clutching the sketchpad. Maddie’s eyes went wide when she saw what I was holding.
“Is this what you want?” I hushed out.
Maddie’s face flushed with redness and, bowing her head, she whispered, “It is what I dream. Everything I wish could happen for me, to me… with me, is drawn on those pages.” Maddie shrugged. “I live my life on the pages because I am too afraid to live them in real life.”
My breathing stopped, then I rushed out, “You… you want to touch me? You want me to touch you? Like your sketch?”
Maddie’s gaze then fixed on mine and she laid her hand over her heart. “In here I dream it could be true. And I pray… I pray that maybe one day it could happen for us.”
Pulling back the sketchpad, I stared at the perfect pencil drawing of me holding Maddie and shook my head. “I would hurt you,” I croaked, “the flames, the evil—”
“Are not there,” Maddie interrupted. Keeping her head down, her cheeks still flushed, she shuffled forward and said, “I held you before and I was fine. You have laid your hands upon me and I was fine.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but something inside stopped me. Maddie moved forward again. “And there is nothing you could do to me that has not already been done before.”
My stomach clenched, wanting so much to believe what she said. Maddie moved the final few steps until she stood right beside me and asked shyly, “Do you… ever think about me, too? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to touch me, too?”
I gritted my teeth and nodded my head. “All the time,” I confided, “I think about it all the fucking time.”
Maddie lowered herself to the floor in front of me. With her hands tightly clutched in her lap, she kept her head lowered and whispered, “Would you like… would you like to try?”
Chapter Seventeen
Maddie
I felt my heart would rip free from my chest as I waited for Flame’s response. As much as I did not think I could do this, that I would not be able to touch his hand, or more, I wanted to try so badly. In this moment, after seeing him so torn apart, reverting back to the memories that kept him jailed behind high walls, I wanted so badly to be able to hold him. He deserved my affection.
I believed that I too deserved affection.
Flame’s nostrils were flared as he stared down at my sketch. I joined him too, seeing what hope occupied my mind most days.
Then just as I felt Flame would not be able to try, he placed down the sketchpad and took a deep breath. As his near black eyes met mine, I shivered. His eyebrows pulled down. “Why’re you shivering?”
Smoothing my hands over my bare arms, I replied, “I am cold.”
Flame glanced over his shoulder to the fire I had lit just before he came in and he got to his feet. I could see how weak he was after he had expelled himself on his floor. And I also imagined the gravity of what we we
re about to try was making him just as nervous as I.
“Let’s go by the fire, it’s warmer,” Flame said and gestured me forward. I got to my feet and slowly followed behind, each step feeling as though any strength I had was slipping away.
With each step, all I saw in my mind was Moses’ hand skimming up my leg. I felt his hand grip between my legs and push his finger inside. I could see all of the disciples, after Mae’s departure, coming for me. I could feel their hands on my wrists and ankles holding me down to a table, and I could feel the kiss of cold air brushing my skin as they ripped my garment from my body, prizing my legs apart, taking me over and over again. I would pass out, only to be awakened by a hard thrust pushing inside of me, the disciples working hard to eradicate the sin from my soul.
But it was their hands, their calloused rough hands skirting over my flesh that I could not stand. Their fingers palming my breasts, their fingers scraping over my folds, stabbing inside.
“Maddie?” Flame’s low graveled voice cut through my thoughts. When I looked up, he was sitting before the fire, his large body hunched over, as though he was broken, as though his fear was as intense as mine.
And my heart broke at the unfairness. The unfairness of us two, so fearful of what nightmares the deliberate touch of another might evoke.
“I… I am finding the thought of touching... fearful,” I whispered. Flame’s shoulders sagged even more.
“Me too,” he admitted, so quietly that I nearly did not hear him.
Inhaling a deep breath, I walked over and sat before him. The heat from the fire immediately warmed my skin.
Under the heat, I moved to lay on my side, my hand flat to the floor just in front of my face. But my eyes never left Flame, and he was watching me the entire time, his head tilted slightly, as if in wonder.
I remained silent, the crackling of the burning of wood the only sound, until Flame moved his large body and laid before me too. His hand flattened to the floor, resting mere inches from mine. But our gazes were locked.
Feeling my heart dance in my chest, I asked, “Are you scared?”
Flame’s jaw clenched and he nodded his head. “Yeah,” he rasped out. “I’m fucking scared I’ll hurt you.” He released a pent up breath, adding, “But I want to know what you feel like. I want to know what your hand feels like on mine. Like your picture.” His eyes dropped and he said, “I can’t get that fucking picture from my head.”