by Penny Jordan
‘Mrs Chartwell offered to have them for the night, but I didn’t think that was a good idea,’ Joel told her quietly as he opened the car doors. ‘They’ve had bad dreams just about every night since their parents died, and I don’t want to subject them to any unnecessary alterations in routine.’
Lissa managed a casual shrug. ‘Well we’re hardly a normal bride and groom are we,’ she countered.
‘What’s normal?’ Joel held open the car door for her and Lissa shivered remembering what he had said about their marriage. As he closed the car door on her she had a wild impulse to thrust it open and tell him that she couldn’t go through with it. The words hovered on her lips, but just at that moment Louise leaned forward from the rear of the car and said happily. ‘After today I’m going to call you “Mummy” Aunt Lissa, and I’m going to call Uncle Joel “Daddy”, and we’ll be together for always won’t we? You’ll never, ever go away to heaven and leave us will you?’ The anxiety in the high childish voice silenced Lissa’s tongue. How could she back out … how could she subject the girls to more upset and upheaval?
The answer was quite simply that she could not, and it was this and nothing else that kept her going through the brief, tense ceremony that made her Joel’s wife. As he had threatened, once she was he bent his head to kiss her. The warmth of his breath fanning her face made her feel faint; but the acute nausea she was used to experiencing when men came so threateningly close to her never came; nor on this occasion was she attacked by those flashing pictures that so often in the past had tormented her; images of Joel staring down at her dishevelled clothing and flushed face, Joel disapproving and contemptuous … perhaps because this time it was Joel himself who was kissing her, Lissa thought numbly, keeping her mouth firmly closed as his lips moved over it. She could feel him checking slightly, anxiously aware of the narrowed scrutiny in his eyes as they searched hers. Her heart was thumping alarmingly.
‘If you’re thinking of reneging on our bargain Lissa, then don’t,’ he warned her softly.
There was no time for him to say anything more because they were being congratulated by the Vicar and Joel had to turn aside from her to respond to him.
An hour later having accepted the celebratory glass of sherry the vicar’s wife had offered, and collected the girls, Lissa sank thankfully into the leather upholstery of Joel’s Jaguar. She felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically; totally drained by the effort of maintaining a façade of calm, while inwardly she was a mass of nerves.
Joel too seemed unusually silent as he drove them back to Winterly; even the girls were a little subdued Lissa noticed. Now that the ceremony was over and they were actually man and wife she felt foolish wearing her frivolous hat and the first thing she did as she walked into the house was to take it off, halting with it still in her hands as she observed the determined expression of the housekeeper as she came into the hall. The grim look in the older woman’s eyes, plus the fact that she was dressed in her outdoor clothes gave Lissa an inkling of what was to come, and she was proved right. The moment Joel was through the door Mrs Johnson announced curtly that she was leaving. As she made this pronouncement she eyed Lissa with disfavour, adding that she had told Joel when she took the job that single gentlemen were what she preferred working for and that she never worked in households where there were children.
Quickly shepherding the girls upstairs Lissa left Joel to deal with her alone. It was about ten minutes before she heard Mrs Johnson’s small car drive away.
“Well I’m afraid it looks as though we’re going to have to find a new housekeeper a little earlier than we’d planned,’ Joel announced as he walked into the nursery. ‘I did try to persuade her to stay on long enough to give you time to adjust, but she wouldn’t agree.’ He looked rather grim and Lissa wondered if he considered her incapable of looking after the four of them herself. At the convent the girls had had to look after their own rooms, and they had also had to take turns working in the kitchens. It was considered therapeutic, and Lissa had discovered then that she enjoyed cooking.
‘I’ll get in touch with the agencies after the weekend,’ she told Joel, glancing at her watch. ‘It’s time for the girls’ tea. I’ll go down and make it.’
She was surprised by the glimmer of amusement she saw in his eyes and blurted out defensively, ‘What’s wrong … why are you laughing?’
‘It’s hardly a traditional start to married life is it?’ Joel murmured, one arched eyebrow inviting her to share his wry amusement. Lissa refused to respond. He alarmed her when he was relaxed and friendly with her; she found herself having to fight not to respond to him; she preferred it when he was coolly contemptuous and distant. Her fingers curled into her palms as she remembered that she was now his wife … that tonight … She went hot and cold as she remembered the savage fury with which she had accepted his proposal; the reprisals she had planned to punish him for the anguish he had caused her. Now she could hardly believe her own folly. How on earth had she expected to get away with it? Joel wasn’t the man to allow her to change the rules of their relationship simply to suit herself. He expected her to be his wife in every sense of the word; to share his bed, and when he discovered that she could not … She shivered suddenly, freezing when he reached out and touched her arm. ‘Cold?’ He was frowning slightly as though the fact that she might be concerned him. Dear Heaven what would he say if she told him the truth? If she told him that she was as cold inside as perma-frost and that neither he nor any other man could melt it? How clearly she could recall her anguish when she first discovered her inability to respond sexually to anyone. She had been almost twenty before she had had another boyfriend—a quite pleasant boy she had met at work, but the very first time he had kissed her she had been frozen by the mental image of Joel his touch conjured up. Shaking her head in an effort to dispel the past, Lissa managed a brief smile. ‘No, not really. I’ll take the girls downstairs and feed them. What do you want to do? Shall I make something for us later …
‘What do you have in mind? A romantic candlelit dinner à deux?’ His eyes and voice held amusement, but it was a gentle amusement rather than a mocking one, and the rueful curl of his mouth showed that he wanted to share it with her. Against her will Lissa felt herself responding, a wry smile tugging at the corners of her own mouth.
‘By the time I’ve fed and bathed these two, I’ll probably be so tired all I’ll want to do is fall straight into bed.’
She had spoken without thinking, lulled by the gentleness of his voice and eyes, and now hot colour flamed over her skin. Much to her chagrin her embarrassment only seemed to increase Joel’s good humour.
‘No … don’t try to hide it,’ he told her softly, when she tried to duck away. His fingers cupped her face. ‘You know, when you blush like that I find it very hard to believe that you’re the experienced woman you are. Mind you …’ his voice dropped to a tormentingly sensual drawl, ‘I find it extremely flattering that you’re so anxious to … consummate our marriage.’
She hadn’t meant that at all Lissa thought frantically, and he knew it. The fact that he could be so coolly amused over what had already caused her a sleepless night stung her into saying curtly, ‘Well I shouldn’t be if I were you … after all you know my reputation.’
For a moment he looked almost bitter, and then his expression changed, his voice smooth as he half purred with dangerous silkiness. ‘Yes indeed and I shall look forward to discovering if you merit it.’
Lissa turned away, calling to the children. Why, oh why did he always manage to outflank her? She was regretting her impetuosity in agreeing to this marriage more and more with every second that passed, and yet when she looked into the happy faces of her nieces she couldn’t entirely regret it. Already she felt a fierce up-thrust of protective love for them, much stronger now than it had been when her sister was alive. How could she have allowed Joel to take them completely out of her life? The answer was that she could not, but neither should she have deceived him. Wh
en he proposed to her she should have told him the truth; that their marriage would have to be a platonic one.
All the time she was feeding and then preparing the girls for bed Lissa was conscious of nervous butterflies swarming in her stomach. She couldn’t bear that … She couldn’t bear to be parted from the children. At that moment he raised his head and looked across at her. ‘You look tired.’ The compassion in his face stirred her senses. For one wild, mad moment she almost allowed herself to believe that he genuinely cared about her welfare, and then she subdued the weakness. She had always viewed Joel with a certain amount of awe and dread, but she was coming to recognise that she had under-estimated his masculine power. She had thought him hard and aggressive and had prepared herself to withstand such macho maleness, but what she had not expected was this streak of tender concern; this warmth and caring that completely contradicted the mental image she had always had of him.
‘Just a little.’ She went across to the girls to kiss them good night, promising to leave the little night-light on.
‘I’m glad you and Joel are going to be our new mummy and daddy,’ Louise said drowsily, kissing her back. ‘But you won’t ever leave us will you?’ Anxiety clouded the blue eyes and Lissa hugged her fiercely. ‘No, poppet, I promise I’ll never leave you,’ she whispered back. Poor little mite; how frightened and insecure she must feel at times. It would be her responsibility and her mission in life to give her back a sense of security and belonging.
‘Dinner …’ Joel said firmly, taking her arm and shepherding her out of the room.
Lissa almost sagged at the thought of having to go downstairs and prepare a meal. The ordeal of the ceremony had taken more out of her than she had realised.
‘What would you like?’ she asked Joel. ‘I’ll have a root round in the kitchen.’
‘No need,’ he surprised her by saying. ‘It’s all done. All you have to do is go and get changed.’
When he saw her surprise, he grinned, a surprisingly boyish grin that made him look years younger than his thirty-odd and for some reason Lissa felt her heart start to trip in tiny hammer blows that made it difficult for her to breathe. ‘Don’t look like that. All I’ve done is take something out of the freezer and put it in the oven. I did it whilst you were feeding the kids. I thought about taking you out to eat, but you look all in.’ He glanced at his watch and announced, ‘You’ve got half an hour.’
It took her twenty minutes to shower and change. Joel had been up to London and cleared her flat, and now all her clothes were hanging up in her new wardrobe. Her heart started to thud despairingly as she picked out a soft lilac Jean Muir dress she had bought on impulse. The colour brought out the rich red of her hair and the silky jersey clung lovingly to the sleek lines of her body, but Lissa was barely aware of how she looked, she was too concerned with what lay ahead. Would Joel expect her to move her things into his room or … If only she could just get through tonight … Dare she risk telling him that she could not be his wife? She bit her lip thinking of the promise she had just made to Louise.
‘Play it by ear,’ an inner voice told her. Joel wasn’t a boyfriend after all … he might not even care whether she responded to him sexually or not … he might not even realise that … that she was a virgin and frigid as well? Don’t be a fool, she cautioned herself. The man she had always imagined Joel to be might not have cared what she was and might indeed have simply been content to take his own pleasure without giving a thought to her, but the complex, sometimes sensitive man Joel was revealing himself to actually be would hardly be oblivious to the fact that she was not the experienced, almost promiscuous woman he thought her.
Frowning slightly Lissa brushed her hair. Why did Joel want their marriage to be consummated? Knowing the opinion he had of her he could hardly desire her that much, he had certainly never been short of female companionship … The answer lay in his love for Louise and Emma, Lissa decided. Like her he cared very deeply about his two nieces, and like her he obviously did not want a long drawn out legal battle over them.
But that did not answer her question, Lissa reflected thoughtfully. It showed why he might want to marry her; but not why he should want that marriage consummated. Unless perhaps he wanted a son … For some reason that thought made her heart beat faster, her mind’s eye all too easily conjuring up the image of a small dark-haired baby with Joel’s golden eyes.
Perhaps if she simply said nothing and let him discover … Shivering she pushed the problem out of her mind, coating her mouth with a soft lip gloss and then getting up. The more she dwelt on what lay ahead the more tense she got. If she carried on like this Joel was bound to realise something was wrong. What if he became furious and insisted on having their marriage annulled? Could she bear to lose the girls now?
‘Lissa?’
The sound of his voice outside her door made her jump up from the dressing table and hurry across the room. ‘Coming,’ she called out, huskily, opening the door, coming to a full stop as she realised that Joel too had changed. Her eyes widened a little over the formality of his crisp white shirt and dinner suit, and then colour flooded her pale skin as she realised that he was studying her, his glance lingering appreciatively on the curves the lilac jersey seductively revealed.
‘Why the embarrassment?’ he asked, touching her cheek lightly with his finger. ‘Surely by now you must be used to men finding you attractive.’
‘I … I never think of myself that way.’ She had made the admission before she was aware of it, adding more to herself than to him, ‘I was always so gawky and plain as a teenager, especially compared with Amanda and my mother.’
‘… that in an effort to prove to yourself and them that you were attractive you flung yourself into bed with every available male that came along?’ Joel finished for her, but there was no accusation in his voice, no contempt either, Lissa noticed. In fact, if anything, the only emotion she could hear was a certain wry sadness. She risked a quick glance at Joel and found that he was smiling at her.
‘I … I always felt that my parents preferred Amanda to me,’ Lissa heard herself admitting huskily, much to her own astonishment.
‘Yes, I know what you mean,’ Joel agreed. ‘John was always very much my father’s favourite and there was a time when I over-reacted against that favouritism in an effort to draw my father’s attention to myself.’
They had reached the top of the stairs and Lissa felt a wave of fellow-feeling towards him engulf her. She turned towards him but he forestalled her questions by saying quietly, ‘We must make sure that neither Louise, nor Emma … nor indeed any children of our own we have, suffer that same burden.’
Instantly the rapport between them snapped as Lissa contained a shiver of fear and drew back slightly from him, her eyes unconsciously darkening. ‘Who are you thinking about Lissa,’ Joel grated. ‘Simon Greaves? Then forget him,’ he snapped. ‘You’re married to me, not him.’
The abrupt change from compassionate fellow human being to arrogant male unnerved her, and she hurried down the stairs, turning towards the kitchen.
Warm, enticing aromas greeted her, but the wooden kitchen table was bare of all utensils. As she turned automatically to open drawers and collect cutlery Joel stopped her. ‘It’s all done,’ he told her coolly, adding, ‘I thought we’d dine in style tonight—in the dining room. You go through and sit down, and I’ll bring the food.’
It was a novel experience for Lissa to be waited on by a man, but Joel did a superb job so calmly and efficiently that she must have betrayed her surprise, because he paused to smile at her and explained, ‘I was in the army for a couple of years after leaving Oxford and if it taught me nothing else, it taught me to be self-sufficient.’
Lissa was surprised. She’d always thought that Joel had gone straight from university into his father’s firm, and it was disturbing to realise how little she knew about him; and how guilty she was of having preconceived ideas about the type of man he was.
‘Like you, as a
teenager I was rebellious,’ he further explained whilst they were eating. ‘I wanted to travel … to see a little of the world before I settled down to the life my father wanted me to lead. I’ve always been more interested in the land than in industry, but as I was the eldest my father expected me to take over from him in the business. Later of course the situation resolved itself, but at twenty-two I couldn’t see that far ahead and so I opted out—joined the army more in defiance of my father than anything else, but it’s something I’ve never regretted. It …’
‘Made a man of you?’ quipped Lissa lightly, wanting to change the intimacy of their conversation, alarmed by the sensations and emotions he was arousing inside her. She didn’t want to feel sympathy for him … she didn’t want to feel anything. She wanted to hang on to her resentment and dislike. For some reason she needed to hang on to them. Why? she asked herself and knew the answer was because she felt it would be dangerous for her to get to know and like this man who was now her husband. Further than that she was not prepared to go.
‘Not in the sense that I suspect you mean.’ Joel’s mouth twisted slightly and Lissa knew she had been successful in destroying his relaxed mood. ‘More wine? You’ve barely touched yours. Don’t you like it?’
The plain truth was that she was too tensed up to enjoy her meal at all, but dutifully she sipped the rich, ruby liquid, feeling it warm first her throat and then her stomach, relaxing over-taut nerves.
It was gone nine before they had finished their leisurely meal—or at least Joel had finished, she had done little more than toy with hers.
‘Coffee?’
She shook her head tensely. ‘No … no thanks. I’ll take these things out to the kitchen.’
‘I’ll give you a hand.’
There was something disturbingly intimate about being in the ktichen with Joel, his easy, competent movements somehow pinpointing the uneasy tension of hers. When every last cup and plate had been cleared away he said easily, ‘Why don’t you go and check on the girls while I’m locking up? Oh and Lissa,’ he added, less casually as he opened the door for her. ‘Remember it’s my room you’re sleeping in tonight.’