"I don't want you to get hurt."
"Not lookin' to get hurt. We're friends, Elle, that's all she can do right now anyway." Fuck trying to have a relationship and thinking about another person when you could barely get up out of bed. Factoring someone else into your life when you were barely living was never a good idea. I could handle it now, Tegan couldn't.
"So, what are you doing with her?" Elle asked.
Sex. Bike sex. Bed sex. Car sex. Bathroom stall sex. Table sex. Shower sex.
I shrugged. "Just hangin' out."
She arched her eyebrow, completely unconvinced. I grinned.
"Oh, come on, you expect me to believe you're just friends?"
"Elle, I don't expect you to believe anything. I've got to be somewhere in half an hour, did you want something else?"
"Where do you have to be?"
Nosey bitch.
"Gettin' a new tattoo."
"Another one? You barely have any room left as it is."
I had most of my chest, my right forearm and legs left. Plenty of room. "Havin' some birds put on Isaac's arm."
My upper right arm was all about the little brother I adored. Things that reminded me of him were right there, clocks with the time he was born and morbidly, the time he died, dog tags that matched the ones hanging around my neck, and his name hidden in there, all blended together with waves of the ocean and clouds of the sky. The whole thing was black and grey and I knew he'd love it. But it needed birds. There weren't many mornings that I didn't wake up to a foam gliding bird flying across my room or littered on my floor.
"I hated those bloody things."
So did I. He refused the plane ones unless they were army planes, which they often weren't. Birds were cool though, apparently.
"Okay, I'll let you get on then," she said, standing up. "If you ever need anything..."
"Yeah, you, too."
Time to add to Isaac's little mural on my arm. I missed him so much I felt sick, but the tattoos made me feel close to him. I needed that.
Chapter Thirteen
Lucas
I watched as she left me as fast as she could again, slamming the car door hard behind her. I didn't know what to do, she was a complete head-fuck and I was losing my mind trying to figure her out. I made her feel something but she wanted nothing to do with me.
It made no sense at all.
I think I'd prefer her to not like me and not want to be with me. I stormed off back in the house, in the pissiest mood I'd been in in a long time, and went up to my room. Fuck sake, what the fuck was going on? Gritting my teeth, I saw red and slammed my fist into the wall. For the first time I wished my dad would've cut corners when he had the house made seven years ago and put up plasterboard instead of using concrete blocks. My hand throbbed and blood seeped from the knuckles. Perfect.
Shaking it off, I sat on the end of the bed and tried to flex my fingers. Thank God, I could, nothing was broken. I hadn't punched a wall since... Actually, I'd never punched a wall before. Good to know she brought out my violent side.
My hand stung and I watched it swell before my eyes. I really shouldn't have punched the wall. The door opened and Mum and Grace walked in, I dropped my hand beside my leg.
"You okay, Lucas?" Mum asked.
"Yeah," I replied, hoping I sounded convincing.
She gasped, looking around me. Shit. "What happened to your hand?"
I turned my hand over, wincing as the fabric of the duvet scraped against the broken skin. "Nothing."
"Err, Mum, why don't you go see if Dad's okay," Grace said. Mum hesitated before leaving the room.
"So...spill it. What happened with Tegan?" she said as soon as Mum'd shut the door.
"Nothing."
"Oh, come on! You two could barely take your eyes off each other all weekend. I'm not an idiot, Luke, start talking."
Fucking twin. There was no way I was going to win this.
Blowing out a big breath, I launched into the whole thing. "Okay. The first night she arrived I took her bags up for her, our hands touched, one innocent touch that should be nothing, but she freaked and ran off."
Grace pursed her lips and nodded. Blue eyes that mirrored mine shone in amusement. Glad she found the whole thing entertaining.
"When we were at the zoo and...had a 'moment', she freaked big time and ran away. It took me ages to find her and then she said she couldn't get into anything. We talked and she told me she wanted to be friends, which was fine until we got back here. She can hug everyone but not me. I asked her what was going on and she just says it's because I make her feel, whatever that means. Oh, then she left abruptly and I have no idea what's going on."
"Seriously? You don't get it?" she asked, smirking.
"I don't speak girl, Grace."
"Come on, Lucas. Alison and Ava said she completely shut herself off when Simon died. She wouldn't deal with anything, she hasn't cried since before his funeral. She goes out, gets drunk and parties all the time. She won't sing or play the piano anymore. She's pushing everything and everyone away because it's too painful. You make her feel something, which scares her because it means she will have to deal with everything and she's not ready. That's why she's keeping you at a distance." She broke into a huge smile. "God, I'm good."
"Right," I replied slowly. "Okay. I guess that makes sense. I just have no idea what to do next. Should I call her?"
"You got it bad, haven't ya?" she sang annoyingly.
"Just shut up and tell me what to do."
Grace laughed and punched my arm. I did have it bad, though. No girl had ever made me feel like this before. It was stupid and frustrating but it wasn't something I had any control over.
"I wouldn't call her, she might not appreciate that and it would put her on the spot. Text her."
"Okay, I'll give that a try. Thanks, Grace."
"Anytime." She smiled and stood up to leave. "Oh, and the hand?"
"Punched the wall."
"Of course you did. I'll be downstairs if you need me."
As soon as she left I picked up my phone and stared at it, trying to decide on what to write. After pacing the room for a while I forced myself to send the message.
'Hey, are you ok? I really need to talk about before. Lucas'
I pressed send and instantly regretted it. That was lame. Sighing, I ran my hands over my face and waited for her reply. A reply I wasn't at all convinced I'd ever get.
Grace returned to my room a few minutes later with an ice pack for my swollen hand. "She replied yet?" she asked, placing the pack over my knuckles.
"Thanks. No, not yet."
"No probs. And, hey, I'm sure she'll reply soon."
"Yeah, not sure I wanna hear it again, though."
My phone beeped in my hand making me jump a little, her name showed up on the screen. Christ, I was nervous to open it, imagining two words that were probably waiting for me: Fuck off.
'I'm fine. I'm sorry, I can't.'
I stared at the text for a while. That was exactly what I expected but it still made me feel like shit.
"Well, what did she say?" I handed the phone to Grace without looking up. "Ah, I'm sorry, Luke. Just give her some time if she's really what you want?" She put the phone down on the bed and smiled sympathetically.
"She is what I want." I wished she wasn't. She wasn't supposed to be, I was just meant to help her but it'd gone beyond that. "It's fine, I can wait until she's ready."
"Glad to hear it because under the tough exterior, from what I've heard of the old her, she's a good girl."
Chapter Fourteen
Tegan
Today was Ava's birthday and I was helping to set up for a small party she was having. Unsurprisingly, she didn't want anything big, just family and a few close friends over. Dad was big on birthdays but everything was different now. It felt wrong to celebrate anything at all.
Our living room was decorated with red and white balloons, a large HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner and streamers. Two big plastic
bowls of punch sat on the kitchen island, one non-alcoholic and the other swimming with half a bottle of vodka.
Among Ava's guests were Lucas and his family. The thought of seeing him again made me feel nauseous, nervous, and a little bit excited. The last time we saw each other didn't end well. Although we'd exchanged a couple of texts, it would probably still be awkward. After all, I did turn him down and run away. I hoped he understood why that was, though. I couldn't open the door in case everything I wanted to shut out came pouring in, too.
"Are we all done now?" I asked. "I need to get ready."
"Yes, I think so," Mum replied. "Nan and Grandad will be here soon so don't take too long."
Did that matter? It wasn't my birthday so they didn't need to see me right away. "Sure," I said as I walked out of the kitchen.
I got dressed in my own time, hearing my grandparents fuss over me because of Dad was about the last thing in the world I fucking wanted. Knowing Mum would freak if I wore anything above the knee - not that I wanted to a family function - I changed into a full-length sundress and curled my hair. I think I looked presentable and I didn't really care if no one else did.
When I got downstairs my grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin had just arrived and were wishing my sister a happy birthday.
Show time. I forced a smile.
My uncle looked for me first, he looked so similar to Dad I wanted to run back upstairs. Uncle Sam opened his arms for a hug. I let him but my body was too rigid. "Hey, Tegan," he said, giving me a much more brief hug than usual. I think he felt my resistance.
"Hi," I said.
Nan saved me from the awkwardness by crushing me next. "How have you been, darling?" she asked, playing with one of my curls.
I wasn't even sure of that. I was lost, drowning, empty, and angry. Take your pick.
"I'm fine, Nan. Do you want a drink?" I didn't wait for her answer before going into the kitchen to get her the glass of red wine I knew she would want. Two minutes in and I was ready for everyone to leave.
Once our family, Ava's friends, and Sophie and Adam had arrived, I knew the next time the doorbell rang it would be Lucas and his family. Kai said he'd pop in but it probably wouldn't be until later.
Ava shouldn't have invited them. I wanted to see Lucas again but I also didn't. Everything would be easier if we just stayed away from each other. All I needed was to be able to keep everyone at a safe distance until a miracle happened and I was suddenly okay again.
I sat at the kitchen island with Sophie and Adam, trying to listen to what they were saying when I was far too on edge to take anything in. I missed being carefree and laughing every five seconds like that.
My family were mingling in the kitchen and living room like everything was fine and dandy and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I felt like I was on the outside looking in at a life I'd never have anymore. I didn't fit into the family.
"Tegan?" Adam said, waving his hand in front of my face. His expression said it all: Lucas and his family were here. Now I really wanted to run. Sophie and Adam only knew of them, but they thought it was strange that Mum and Ava wanted to spend time with them, too.
I took a deep breath and looked up. They were all there, speaking to Ava. Lucas was doing a bad job of pretending he hadn't seen me already. Why him? Why did I have to like him?
Finally, when he must have felt it was long enough, he looked over and our eyes met. He gave me a small, almost sad smile and I felt guilty. I hated that. I didn't want to feel anything. I wanted to stay in the zombie state indefinitely.
"I'm gonna go say hi," I said to Adam and Sophie. They nodded, watching the Daniels with interest.
Me and Lucas had agreed to be friends so I should treat him like one, that involved actually talking to him face to face. With that in mind, I poured two glasses of the punch and walked over, handing him a cup.
"Much better than beer," I said, smiling.
He gave me a breathtaking smile and his blue eyes warmed. "Yeah? What's in it?" he asked, looking into the cup and frowning. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the most appealing colour. It was red when Mum made it but when I'd added more alcohol and then a bit more still it kinda went a light orange-pink colour.
"I'll tell you after you've tried it."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Poison?"
Rolling my eyes, I grabbed the cup out of his hand, took a sip and gave it back. My God, there was a lot of alcohol in there, burning as it slid down my throat. I managed not to pull a face, though. "There. Satisfied?"
"Fine," he said and brought the cup up to his lips. "Shit, Tegan, what the hell is in it?" he asked, turning his nose up.
"Just a little vodka," I replied.
"A little!"
Alright, this was going well. We could do the friend thing.
I introduced Lucas, Grace and Jake to Adam and Sophie but before long Jake had gone off to sit with his dad in the living room and Grace was integrated into Ava's group of friends. That was fine by me, I got the impression that Lucas's brother and sister weren't my biggest fans.
I felt myself relaxing around Lucas even more. He could be a little intense and wasn't at all subtle but that wasn't exactly a bad quality. It just wasn't what I needed right now.
Sophie's eyebrow raised when Kai walked into the kitchen. The little cow was definitely loving the tension so I had a feeling Kai turning up was like Christmas to her.
"Hey," Kai said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and smiling at me. He so had that cheeky, almost bad boy, image about him.
"Hey back. Want a drink?"
"Boring one, please, I'm driving."
I grabbed Kai a coke and he joined us around the kitchen island.
"Lucas, this is Kai. Kai, Lucas."
"Hey," Kai said.
Lucas's hi was no more than a grunt. Things had finally settled down so I really didn't want the evening to get awkward. I felt like I should explain to Kai who Lucas was but I hadn't told him about my dad yet and I didn't want to have that conversation right now. Or ever, actually.
"I like the addition," I said, pointing to the healing birds on Kai's arm.
"Thanks," he replied.
I downed the last of my drink and got a refill. Maybe I should have thought through inviting Kai. He was the one person that didn't know what had happened. He was the only person I had in my life that I didn't see sympathy from. That was so valuable to me and if someone said something or if he overheard that could be gone.
I drank some more.
After the third cold look from Lucas to Kai I was ready to leave. I was friends with both of them so there shouldn't be any hostility. Lucas bloody agreed when we spoke by text that we'd give friendship a try, despite the unusual circumstances. I was not getting involved in any cheesy love triangle.
Grace and Ava came back into the room for more wine and stopped beside me and Kai. "So how do you two know each other?" Grace asked, pointing to Kai. What the hell did I say to that? I met and fucked him in a bar.
"We met at a party"
She nodded and turned her attention to Lucas, making me look at him, too. He was staring at his empty glass, his jaw clenched tight. Seriously, jealousy? Don't do this to me, Luke.
Kai muttered something about going to the bathroom and left. I wasn't sure if he wanted a couple minutes away from the hostility but something told me he wouldn't really give a fuck about that.
"Tegan, how old is Kai?" Mum asked. Christ, they were popping up everywhere now. Actually, that was a good question. My guess was eighteen or nineteen.
"I don't know exactly." I admitted.
"You don't know?" She spoke slowly, too slowly.
"No, I don't."
"He's clearly a lot older, Tegan, why are you hanging round with him?"
"We're friends, and I know he's older." I just wasn't sure by how much.
Kai came back into the room and I gave him a look that screamed run but he didn't. Yep, he really didn't give a crap what anyone thought.
/> "Kai, could I ask you a question, please?" Mum said.
"Mum," I hissed. Oh God, what the hell was she doing?
"It's fine, Tegan," Kai said. "You can ask me anything, Mrs Pennells."
Mum nodded once, seemingly pleased that he was cooperating. "How old are you?"
"I'm twenty-one," he replied. I watched Mum's face harden - she was not happy. I didn't think he was that old, but I really didn't care, he made me forget and it was only four years. According to English law I was legal so no one else could say a fucking thing.
Kai had also become a friend.
"Twenty-one. My daughter is seventeen!"
Kai's eyes flicked to me for a second. Well, damn, he'd guessed my age wrong, too.
"Mum!" I snapped. Why can't she just stay out of my goddamn life?
"No, Tegan. What on earth are you doing?"
What was I doing? What I had to. No one can hurt the bitch.
People had stopped talking to watch. "You need to stop all this right now. No more going out. No more getting drunk with older men. It stops. You have to deal with his properly. You're going to see a counsellor." Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. The air thickened. I found it harder to breathe.
"I'm gonna go," Kai said, looking at me apologetically. I heard Lucas mumble 'good' under his breath, which made me roll my eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Kai," I said.
"It's fine, I'll call you later." I nodded and he turned and walked out.
Mum turned back to me, tears in her eyes. "I'll make an appointment with a counsellor on Monday."
"I'm not crazy."
"No one thinks you are, Tegan, but you need some help."
I shook my head. I didn't need help. I just needed to forget.
"Leave. Me. Alone." I emphasised each word and stormed off upstairs to my room, slamming the door hard behind me. Gripping my hair, I tried to focus. Don't cry. Shove it away. I sank deeper, desperately trying to push away any feelings. I wanted empty.
Dropping to the bed, I squeezed my eyes closed and concentrated on taking deep breaths. Finally, I started to regain control. Push it all away.
Chapter Fifteen
Tegan
I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do next. I did not need to see a counsellor. Even if she made me go I didn't have to talk, this was going to be a huge waste of her money.