"Solid plan."
I shrugged. "I thought so. Want to get a hotdog from the stand? I'm starving."
"Sounds good," he replied, slinging his arm over my shoulder.
***
Kai dropped me off at my house and Mum was waiting at the end of the drive. She hugged me tight when I got out of the car. It still felt weird. I felt like I was hugging just Ava's mum and not mine, too, but I was trying.
"Did you have a nice time?" she asked, stroking my significantly darker hair.
"Yeah, it was really good. I needed to get away for a while."
Mum nodded. "I know you did. I like the colour."
"It's growing on me."
"Well, come on in."
I spent two hours drinking tea with Mum and Ava and telling them stories of the weekend. And then, like usual, they left. Of course they asked if I wanted to join them at the nail salon but it wasn't my thing. Not at all. Besides, Lucas had texted, saying he was coming over.
I was nervous as hell when I opened the door. He smiled awkwardly. "Hi."
Stepping back to open the door wider, I replied, "Hi." He looked different. Distant. "What's up?" When I was met with silence my heart dropped. I added, "Lucas, what's wrong?"
Chapter Forty-Eight
Lucas
Shit. Here goes. "Look, I love you, Tegan, but I don't think us being together right now is what you need."
She watched me, expressionless, as if she hadn't heard me.
"I just think that you need time alone to work through everything you've got going on and I'm stopping you from doing that. You were always looking for distractions and I know you said I make you feel again - and I love that - but what it boils down to is that I'm a distraction, too."
"You're not a distraction."
"Yes, I am. I may not be an intentional one and it may be in a different way to Kai, but it's still the same thing."
"Fuck that! You have no idea what's going on inside my head."
"Because you never tell me."
"I'm fine."
"You're not fine, Tegan. It wasn't that long ago that you tried to take your own life."
Her eyes teared up and I felt like a proper arsehole. "Fuck you!" she shouted, face turning from hurt to anger in an instant. "I wouldn't do that ever again and you know it."
I raised my hands. "I know. I do. But, Tegan, you have to understand why I'll do anything, try anything, to help you get through this."
"And breaking up with me is the way to do that?"
"If it's what needs to happen, yes."
"Why don't you just tell me you've had enough? I can take it."
"That's not what this is. You think I want to end things?"
"Well, yeah."
I sighed harshly. "I don't, and if you'd stop for a second you'd see what I'm really trying to do here. You know this is the right thing to do but you're too stubborn to admit it."
"Okay, fine. We're done, thanks for doing that for me, by the way. You can leave now."
I hated it. Hated that she looked so hurt and so angry. And hated that this had to happen in the first place.
"Don't be like that," I said.
"You just broke up with me and, what, you expect me to be cheering and hugging you?"
"God, I knew you'd be like this."
"Wow, Lucas. Seriously, just go."
Raising my hands, I surrendered to the knowledge that this was never going to go well and there was nothing I could do to convince her I wasn't just bored of her. She'd never see it herself or she'd hate me forever. It sucked but I wasn't in control of anything from this point on. Not that I ever felt I had control over anything where she was concerned.
"Whatever you think, I do love you," I said, turning on my heel and walking away.
I closed her door and had to force myself to walk out of the house. Thankfully, Alison and Ava were still out when I left. I couldn't handle talking to anyone right now. I was pissed off and felt horrible. Breaking up with her wasn't what I wanted but what choice did I have? She wasn't moving forwards, as much as I hated to admit it; I was a distraction just like everything else.
I took my car home and went up to the hill to clear my head. The hill seemed steeper this time. All I wanted to do was to go back to her house and tell her I didn't mean it and that I'd made a mistake.
For her I hadn't made a mistake, though. She needed a clean break so she could focus on all the shit she had to work through. I wasn't convinced that if we'd met under normal circumstances she'd want to be with me at all. We were drawn to each other but now it was time to figure out if it was real.
I laid down on the grass and stared at the sky. No part of me had felt so crap before, it was a different shit to when we found out how ill Dad was. This was all my doing. I didn't know how long Alison and Ava were going to be out for and I hated the thought of her being alone. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I'd ever done, calling Kai to go to her was the second.
He'd sounded shocked that we were over but agreed straight away to go over and see her, like I knew he would.
When I couldn't put it off anymore, I dragged myself up and walked home. It was getting dark and cold. All I wanted was to crash.
"Luke, where have you been? I've just spoken to Ava. What's going on?" Grace asked, yanking me into the house. If she'd spoken to Ava then she knew exactly what was going on.
I shook my head and walked up to my room. I couldn't deal with her questions when I was finding it pretty hard to function beyond walking and sleeping.
There were pictures of Tegan and some of her stuff in my room. She was smiling in every single one but even I could see she wasn't happy. I couldn't look at her and see sadness behind her smile anymore. Something had to change.
"Lucas, can I come in?" Grace called through my door.
Like she was going to go away. "Yeah."
She was in my room in a flash. "So, what happened? Ava said you broke up. Why?"
"Because it's what she needs," I replied, scrubbing my hands over my face.
"Did you have any idea that she wanted to break up?"
I looked at Grace shocked. She thought it was Tegan. Of course she did, Grace was happy that I was happy, but I could see what she wasn't saying. She thought Tegan would hurt me. Well, I was the arsehole in this one. "I broke up with her, Grace. She didn't want to. I didn't want to either but I had to."
She sat down, crossing her legs. "Why did you have to?"
"Because of Simon. I'm stopping her from dealing with it, I can see that now. I thought I was helping but I wasn't. Before she can focus her attention on someone else she needs to be able to take care of herself."
"But I thought you were helping. I mean, before you got together she was sleeping around and-"
"Yeah, okay," I said, cutting her off. I didn't need to hear about that or talk about how shit scared I was that she'd go back to it. "She wasn't really dealing with it though, was she? Christ, Grace, she tried to end her own life."
She thought about it for a minute and nodded. "I think you've done the right thing. She didn't though, huh?" I shook my head and stared up at the ceiling. That was an understatement. "So, what happens now?"
I looked back at my twin. "I wait and hope she still wants me when she's dealt with everything." Grace bit her lip. "Just say it."
"Okay. What if she doesn't?"
Blowing out a deep breath, I replied, "I don't know. Whatever happens I'll be alright, so don't worry about me."
Tilting her head to the side, she pursed her lips. "I'll always worry about you."
"So, you thought she'd be the one to break up with me?"
Wincing, she said, "Sorry. I like Tegan, I do, but I don't like how she is. I know that's selfish because it's pretty clear why she's behaving like this but you're my brother and you deserve the best. Tegan isn't in the position right now to give you everything you deserve."
"That's pretty much why I ended it. She can't be in a relationship right now and it w
as selfish of me to try to make her."
"You didn't make her."
"I didn't hold a gun to her head but I sure as hell wasn't as strong as I should've been. I wanted her and I didn't even stop to think about what was really best for her."
"Don't make this out to be all your fault."
I smiled, she'd fucking defend me even if I was completely in the wrong. "I'm not. She's no angel, I'm not blind and I'm not putting her on a pedestal. What I'm doing is taking responsibility for my part in this and for the first time since I met her I'm doing the right thing for us both."
"I'm proud of you and I hope this works out the way you want it to."
"You don't think it will."
She shrugged. "All I know is that she's not herself and we've never met who she really is. We don't know what she'd want when she finds that person again. If she finds that person again."
"I need sleep, Grace."
"Hint taken," she said, untangling her legs and getting up. "I really am sorry things got so messy, Luke, but have faith, okay?"
Nodding, I removed my t-shirt and flopped down on the bed, too tired to think about it anymore.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Kai
I tapped the dog tags with the pads of my fingers and stared at my little brother's grave. "Happy thirteenth birthday, buddy," I said. Seven years had passed and I still missed him so much. I couldn't help wondering what he'd be like and if he would've discovered girls yet.
Isaac would probably be planning his army career if he still wanted to do that. I was pretty confident he'd want to, the army 'phase' started at two and he was still obsessed at six.
"Mum's made the army tank cake again this year, bet you're sick of that by now." I hated those cakes right up until I sorted my life out at twenty. That was four years of wanting to throw the cake at the wall. Now I got it. Isaac was physically gone but he was still just as much a part of the family as the rest of us. Why shouldn't we celebrate his birthday, too?
I wrapped my fingers around the tags and gripped hard. Part of me wished he hadn't given them to me; he loved them and never took them off. But it was up to me to wear them in honour of him now. It was my turn to keep them with me.
"If you were here right now we'd be go-karting. Remember when you were little and would only go on them with me? Dad tried to get you to go on with him but you weren't having any of it so I only got one fast go on my own the whole time we were there. That didn't matter to me, though. I know you were a lot younger and got on my nerves but you were the person I loved the most, Isaac. Right from when you were a little baby I was obsessed with looking after you. I think it was because you'd finally saved me from being the only boy with two sisters. I love you, bro, nothing will ever change that. I gotta get going but I'll come back soon, okay. Enjoy being thirteen from wherever you are now."
I stood up and left. My heart felt like it was made of lead. Isaac was the only person I'd cried over and I really didn't want to be weak on his birthday.
I got in my car and that was when my phone rang - Tegan's ringtone. I knew what it was about. I'd taken a call from Lucas just before getting here but right now I had to see my brother.
Pressing answer, I started the car and put her on speaker. "Hey, princess," I said.
"Hi," she replied, deflated.
"What's wrong?" I asked since I wasn't supposed to know.
"Lucas broke up with me," she said. It was clear from her quiet tone and hushed voice that she'd been crying. I knew that. Lucas had called and I was going over after visiting Isaac but I couldn't tell her that.
"I'm sorry, Tegan. You okay?"
"I'm fine, I guess. You doing anything?"
Cake had been eaten and I'd visited Isaac so I was free. "No, want me to come over?"
"Please."
"Right, see you in five."
"You're the best," she said and hung up.
I'd wanted to tell her about Isaac's birthday a few times but I didn't like the sympathy. This was Tegan, though, she'd understand that, surely? Still, I didn't want to add to her obvious upset over him.
I pulled into her drive a few minutes later and Tegan met me by the door. Her eyes were red and her hair in tangles. "Hey," I said, walking up the path.
She tried a smile. "Hey."
Opening my arms as I approached, I braced myself as she flew at me. Her body collided with mine and I held her petite frame tight. I wanted to rip his head off and buy him a beer at the same damn time.
"Let's get in, Tegan," I said, walking her backwards.
"I don't want to talk in front of Mum and Ava, let's go to my room." She pulled away and against every instinct in my body I allowed her to step out of my arms.
I didn't hear her mum or sister as we walked upstairs but I did hear the TV in the living room. Did they know what'd happened?
"Wanna watch a film?" she asked, throwing herself on her bed after closing the door. I nodded and walked to her bookcase to find one. "Nothing with men in it." Whoa, she was hating all men right now. What did that say for me?
"Right," I replied.
What film has no men in it? Every film has a fucking man in it!
"Just put the Texas Chainsaw Massacre on."
There were men in that one but they got murdered. She was worrying me a little, or maybe I was worried for me.
I put the film on and sat next to her. She immediately snuggled up to my side, wrapping her arm around my waist. I guess she didn't hate all men then, I wasn't being yelled at.
"You gonna tell me what happened?" I asked, running my hands though her soft newly brunette hair. All I knew was that he'd ended it, no details.
"He doesn't want to be with me anymore," she said and shrugged as if she didn't care. "He thinks I need to be alone to deal with everything. It's crap though, he just wants to be single."
It wasn't crap. She did need that and thank fuck Lucas finally realised that.
Jesus, I can't believe I'm about to say this. "I don't think that's it. I think he genuinely believes it's the best thing for you."
"Yeah, well, he's wrong."
I nodded, not really knowing what else to say that wasn't completely slamming the guy and begging to get back in her pants. She'd just been dumped but here I was thinking about her naked. Plus, I couldn't lie to her and I'd just end up defending him. He couldn't have actually wanted to break up with her. No one was that fuckin' stupid.
Tegan didn't mention it again so I assumed I was here because she wanted me to be and not just because she wanted someone to cry over. That I could happily live with so we watched the film in silence with her laying over me and me trying not to get hard.
When the film finished I stretched. "You wanna go out?" I asked. She looked back at me horrified and pointed to her face. What was wrong with her face? "What?"
She rolled her eyes. "I'll cook something, or maybe we can persuade my mum to because there is no way I'm leaving this house looking like a mess." I nodded and followed her downstairs, not even bothering to reply to her looking like a mess comment.
"Hi, honey," Alison said as we walked into the kitchen where she and Ava were now gossiping and drinking wine. "Hello, Kai."
I smiled. "Hey."
"We're really hungry, Mum," Tegan said, pouting. I rolled my eyes.
"Really?" Alison replied sarcastically, smirking. Tegan nodded. "Good thing I ordered far too much Chinese food ten minutes ago then."
She beamed and replied, "You're the best."
"So, do you want to talk about it?" Ava asked.
They did know then. Tegan more than likely banned them from saying anything. Her relationship with them was rocky and that kind of made me resent them a little. It was fucking obvious that she was going off the rails but they did nothing really to pull her back in. And I also knew that blaming them was wrong because if someone didn't want help there wasn't a lot you could do about it.
"Not now," she replied and hugged my arm. "I just want to eat and chill with Kai."
/>
Ava raised her eyebrow but I couldn't give a flying fuck what she thought about that innocent action because Tegan's breast was pressed against my arm.
Chapter Fifty
Tegan
The last week had been horrible. I missed Lucas like crazy and just wanted him to come back and tell me he'd made a huge mistake. I'd called him twice but it just ended up in an argument so I didn't try again.
I was able to kid myself for a while that it'd work out but I woke up twelve hours ago with a firm understanding that we were done and he wasn't interested. It sucked but I knew it was what I needed to move on. Or try to move on.
Another thing that'd changed dramatically was my relationship with Mum and Ava. I wasn't as close to them as they were to each other and I didn't ever expect that but things were improving. Once a week we were going to have a girls' night, get takeaway, wine - coke for me - put on questionable coloured face packs and paint our nails. I wasn't that girly but actually, it was nice.
I felt stronger now, physically, mentally and emotionally. Seeing Melanie twice a week was really helping and she made me see things in a different way. I still had bad days but they were less frequent.
I sat on the sofa eating ice cream and watching Scream on a Sunday night. I was a total loser but I couldn't be bothered to do anything. "You sure you're going to be okay on your own?" Mum asked, leaning against the wall.
"Yeah, fine, Mum, you guys have a good night." Mum and Ava were going to a candle party. Yeah, a candle party.
"Okay. Kai's going to stop over in a minute," she said. Kai stopping over meant that she called and asked him to come and babysit me. Perfect.
"Come on, Mum, we'll be late," Ava said.
"Yeah, don't want to miss a second of the fun."
"Don't be so sarcastic, Tegan," Mum said, nudging my arm, smiling. She stood up and grabbed her handbag.
They'd not gotten out of the door when I heard Kai's voice. She didn't even want me to be alone for two seconds.
"Hey, princess," Kai said, walking into the room. When he saw me his face fell a little. What? I smoothed down my hair. Did I look a total mess? "Hell no, Tegan. Get up."
"What?"
"This is way too depressing and cliche." He gestured to the ice cream. "You need to go out."
I groaned. "I don't want to go out."
He raised his eyebrows and sat down next to me.