My chest grew tight to the point where I could barely take a breath. I wanted to be able to go there and be close to him but I wasn't sure if I'd physically be able to. Shutting my feelings off when I was there was ten times harder and exhausted me. "Um..."
"Me and Mum'll be there, too."
I couldn't believe it when I heard myself say, "Yeah, I'll come."
Ava was shocked and did little to hide it but she didn't say anything. "Okay. Good."
We got home and I went straight to bed and decided to call Lucas before I fell asleep. He answered straight away. "Hey, shorty," he said.
"Hey. What're you doing?"
"Lying on my bed talking to my beautiful girlfriend."
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, what's she like?"
"She's alright."
"Only alright?" He laughed. "Hate you."
"Hey," he said, faking hurt. "Anyway, how was your evening?"
"Good, I almost beat Kai at Fifa."
"Almost? What was the score?"
"Thirteen, two," I said, smiling proudly.
He laughed but quickly covered it up. "So, it was a close one then?" he joked, chuckling. He didn't know the scores that weren't that close.
"You can go off people, you know."
"Sorry," he said.
"I can't wait till Friday."
"Neither can I. I miss you."
"I miss you, too," I said, yawning. "I'm going to go to sleep before I collapse on the phone."
"Okay, speak to you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Night." I hung up the phone and that was when I heard Mum crying. It felt horrible. I crept out of my room and along the hall. Ava's hushed voice travelled through the door.
Mum sobbed and I felt every single one. I didn't want to cry, I blinked rapidly and gulped. Everything inside me screamed to go to her. I wanted my mum, needed her, but I didn't feel like I could. We weren't close right now and we'd never been as close as her and Ava. She wouldn't need me. I could see in her eyes every time she looked at me how much of a disappointment I was.
I gripped my hair and took a shaky breath. Turning around, I sprinted back into my room and ducked under my cover. I couldn't go in there.
Just hours later I woke up, gripping the sheets and gasping for breath. I'd dreamt about Dad. Oh God, I was going to throw up. My body shook and I curled up in a ball, buried my head in my pillow and cried until my throat hurt. I could see it still, his car rolling, his face as he realised he was about to die. In the dream the car set on fire and I saw his face burn, turning black and peeling. That hadn't happened but my fucked-up mind made it worse, dreaming up things that haunted me even more.
When my tears had dried and I'd managed to calm down somewhat, I sat up and took a sip of water. When I was little and had a bad dream I would always go to Dad and he would sing until I fell asleep again. I didn't feel like I could go to Mum or Ava so I curled back up with the quilt wrapped tightly all the way around me and tried not to focus on the big gaping hole he'd left in my heart. I missed him more than ever.
***
"Tegan." Mum shook my arm lightly. I groaned and looked up at her. "Morning, honey. We're visiting Dad in an hour. Do you still want to come?"
No. After my dream last night I didn't want to do anything at all. I didn't even want to exist for a while. My eyes stung from crying and not getting a lot of sleep and I felt like shit.
"Yeah," I replied, forcing myself to sit up. As much as I didn't want to go I didn't want to sit at home alone where his memory was everywhere. She smiled and kissed my forehead before leaving me to get ready.
I got up, had a quick, boiling hot shower and dressed in jeans and a tank top. To say that I was nervous was an understatement. I was terrified. I wasn't sure why Ava was able to deal with things in a healthy way and I wasn't. We had the same parents, shared genes, had the same upbringing but we were so different. She had super-together built into her and I had extreme-fuckup built into me. I wanted to trade.
Mum and Ava walked slightly ahead, stopping every few steps so I could catch up. They looked forward to visiting him so they could tell him what was going on while I was doing everything I could just to move closer.
With every step I took my heart grew heavier until I was sure it'd fall into my stomach any second. Loneliness gripped hold, weaving itself through my body and into my soul. I just wanted him back. I would give up anything just to have him back.
They sat down in front of his grave and started talking to him, smiling with tears in their eyes. I stood beside them, staring at his name on the stone as my dead heart broke even more.
"Do you want to say something, honey?" Mum asked in her soft voice as she reached up and took my hand.
Why did you leave me, Dad?
I shook my head, not looking at her. "Okay, you don't have to." She let go to focus on Dad again. I wrapped my arms around my waist, holding myself together. Nothing hurt so much as missing him and trying to find my way without him. I didn't know how to do it. We talked about everything and talked everything through. I was so completely lost without him here to guide me. I needed a drink to block it all out before I sank any deeper than I already was.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Kai
I hung up the phone to Alison, feeling sick. It was three in the afternoon on a Sunday and Tegan was wasted. She was wasted and asking for me. Part of me loved that, I wanted her to need me, but I didn't want her to keep doing this shit.
The moment where she realised what she was doing and started to turn it around couldn't come soon enough. But there were no guarantees that'd happen anytime soon, could be years, she could be one of those people that end up forty and bitter.
I was waiting for something there was no guarantee over and as much as I knew I should probably walk away - I'd worked too hard to let someone else pull me under - I couldn't help this feeling that I was supposed to be in her life. I was probably just being a big twat and us meeting meant nothing more than a handful of one-night stands.
I could imagine what state she was in and I hated that she did it to herself. It was frustrating watching someone with so much potential not give a shit and continuously flush their life down the toilet. Now I knew how my family felt watching me go off the rails and I felt even guiltier for putting them through it.
I arrived at Tegan's house ten minutes later and Alison let me in.
"She's in her room," she said, closing the front door behind me. "I'm not too proud to admit that I don't know what to do with my daughter anymore. I'm scared for her, Kai." I could see the worry and stress in her pale eyes.
"There isn't much any of us can do besides being there when she finally asks for help. Don't be too hard on yourself, this is up to her." Giving her a small smile of what I hope looked like encouragement, strength and support, I made my way upstairs and into Tegan's room.
My heart ached as I saw her curled up on her bed. She looked younger than she usually did. She also looked lost and in so much pain.
"Princess," I whispered in her ear as I picked her up. She mumbled something that I couldn't make out but she was pale and I knew what she needed. I grabbed a hair band from the top of her bedside table and went into the bathroom, sitting her in front of the toilet and quickly tying her hair up.
Alison and Ava stood at the entrance of the bathroom and watched. Their concern-filled eyes never left her. "I feel sick, Kai," she said, slurring her words.
"I know you do, it's okay," I said, rubbing her back. She leant down, groaning but she wasn't sick yet.
"You know what to do," Alison said.
"I've looked after her a few times before," I replied. Fuck, I wish I hadn't needed to, though. "Can you get her two glasses of water please?" Tegan coughed and finally emptied her stomach of vodka.
"You okay? You done?" I whispered when she raised her head again. She nodded and slumped against my chest.
After a few minutes, I picked her up, stood her at the sink and gave her her toothbrush to freshen u
p. Her eyes were now bloodshot and her skin blotchy. I wished feeling like shit would discourage her but I knew she'd be this drunk again.
When she finished brushing her teeth, I helped her get back into bed. Alison had put the two glasses of water on the bedside table. "Here," I said, handing her the first glass of water. Not losing her sense of humour, she laughed quietly and took it off me. Usually I'd get a snide comment but not today, she must be really feeling it.
She finished the water and smiled up at me. "There. Happy?"
"Ecstatic." I chuckled and she rolled her eyes, lying back against the wall.
"I'm sorry, Kai," she said, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Hey, you don't ever have to be sorry with me. It's okay."
"How often does she get like this?" Alison asked, wiping tears from her face.
"She doesn't get this drunk all that much anymore." Tegan looked up at us with a frown. Well, if she wasn't going to talk to her mum, Alison was obviously going to ask someone else. "You need to stop this," I said, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"I know," she replied. She may know that but it didn't mean she was ready to change it. Or even that she knew how to change it. "I'm tired, Kai, I need to sleep."
I stood up and pulled the cover right up to her chin. "Night," she whispered.
"Night, princess."
Once she'd fallen asleep I followed Alison and Ava downstairs.
"Is there anything we can do?" Alison asked.
Maybe. I was going to have to try something. I couldn't watch her do that to herself over and over. But I was terrified that I'd push her away. "I'm going to take her to my mum."
Alison's eyebrows knitted together. "Why?"
"She's a bereavement counsellor. She trained shortly after my brother died."
Why did I just tell them that? I only really spoke about Isaac to my family.
Alison's head cocked to the side and she got that look on her face. "I'm very sorry to hear about your brother."
"Thank you. It was a long time ago now. It's how I know what to do when she gets like that, how I know that there's little we can actually do until she's ready. I was exactly the same as her when Isaac died. Worse, actually."
"That's awful. Do you mind if I ask what happened?"
"He had leukaemia. He'd just turned six when we found out. There wasn't a match." I wasn't a match. I was supposed to fix it.
Alison's eyes filled with tears. "He was just six."
"It was awful. Everything happened so fast. We expected to be told he had a virus and be given antibiotics but it was barely two months from being diagnosed that he died." I brushed my fingers over the dog tags hanging under my t-shirt. "We thought he was going to be okay. He seemed fine, besides throwing up and telling us he ached. When he was diagnosed he went downhill fast, lost weight, wanted to sleep a lot and got bad headaches. When he died I lost it. I was fifteen and so angry at everyone and everything that I did whatever it took to block out the guilt and the pain. Tegan's no different, nothing she does is because she's a bitch, or whatever she calls herself, she's just trying whatever she can to stop it from hurting."
Ava wiped her eyes. "How long did it take you to heal?"
She wanted me to say a few months, a year tops. It took me almost four years to admit my life was in the shit and I needed to change and a few months to fully leave my old life behind. Then it was almost another year until I resembled anything I used to, only now in grown-up form.
"I went off the deep end at fifteen and I was twenty when I could say I'd fully sorted myself out." Ava winced. Definitely not the answer either of them wanted.
"I don't know if I can watch my daughter do this to herself for the next four years," Alison said.
"It's different for everyone."
"Simon would know what to do with her. They were so close, always playing music together or going to car shows. Most things I learnt about my daughter I learnt through Simon telling me. I worry that she doesn't feel that she can talk to me."
"I don't think she feels like she can talk to anyone right now. I'm hoping my mum will be able to change that, she's had a lot of experience with grieving children and teenagers."
"Thank you, Kai," Alison said.
I nodded once. "I understand that I'm probably not your first choice of friend for her but I do care."
"I can see that and I'm sorry for how we've both behaved in the past."
"It's forgotten."
We stayed talking until late and Alison asked me to sleep over in case Tegan woke up. I slept on the sofa and woke up with a crick in my neck. Tegan stood in front of me, smiling sheepishly.
"Hey, you okay?" I asked.
She nodded. "Are you?"
Stretching my neck out, I replied, "I'm fine."
"I'm sorry about last night."
"No apologies. You must have a wicked headache."
She groaned. "I've already taken some paracetamol but it does feel like I'm being sledgehammered from the inside."
I wanted to make a self-inflicted joke but, really, who the fuck was I to say anything. Alison and Ava stopped behind Tegan, they seemed to be joined at the hip.
"How's your head now, honey?" Alison asked her daughter.
Tegan smirked and repeated my words, "I hate it."
I gave her a dark look. "Very funny, princess."
"It was actually."
"You should get some more sleep, you look tired still and I'm taking you to see my mum today."
She frowned and pursed her lips. Confusion suited her. "Don't you think it's a little too soon for that?"
"No, I think we're ready for it." She laughed again. "My mum's a bereavement counsellor," I said, watching for her reaction.
Her face paled and after a minute she nodded slowly. "Okay." Alison gasped, not hiding her shock at all, but Tegan ignored it and asked, "How long has she been doing it?"
"She's fully qualified if that's what you're worried about."
She rolled her eyes. "Funny. That's not what I meant."
Okay, I guess it was time to tell her. Alison and Ava left the room, giving us privacy for this conversation. "She qualified after my brother died."
I watched her face slowly drop. She was sitting beside me in seconds. "Your brother?"
I nodded. "Isaac had Acute Myeloid Leukaemia, we found out when he was six. He needed stem cell and bone marrow transplants but neither me, Elle or Carly were a match and the hospital couldn't find one in time. He died within months of being diagnosed. I was fifteen and a wreck after."
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. I can think about him and talk about him and not have it tear my insides apart now."
Her eyes darkened and I knew she understood just what I meant. "Will you tell me about him?"
"What do you want to know?"
"What was he like?"
"He was my shadow. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without him wanting to follow me. As annoying as he could be we were close and I would've done anything for him. I was his hero, apparently. He was obsessed with the army." I gulped, gripping the dog tags around my neck. Remembering still fucking hurt.
Tegan squeezed my hand. "I lost count of the amount of times I stood on one of those little plastic soldiers. He wanted dog tags, and I didn't have the heart to tell him the British army didn't wear them. I bought him these ones," I said, releasing them from my grip. "I found some nice ones, men's ones as the kid ones were just toys and he deserved the best. They cost a fortune; pretty much all of the money I'd saved from my paper route, but it was worth it to see how happy he was. In the end, when he knew there was nothing that could..." I closed my eyes. "When my little brother knew he was going to die he gave them back to me and said he didn't want them to be buried underground, he wanted me to wear them. I've not taken them off since."
Tears rolled freely down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Kai," she said and buried her head in the crook of my neck.
"Shh, it's okay. Everything's going
to be alright," I whispered in her ear as I rubbed her back. After she calmed down I decided it was time to test the water. "How're you doing now? It's okay to admit you're struggling."
She closed her eyes and the pain etched on her face kicked me in the gut and took me right back to when Isaac first died. "I can't..." she whispered. "I just want to talk to him, even just for a second. He can't just be...gone."
I squeezed her trembling hand. "You can still talk to him, whenever you want to."
"It's not the same. I can't have a conversation with him. I can't hear his voice," she replied so quietly I barely heard her. It wasn't the same, not at all, but it was all we got when someone died.
"You can't hear him but you know your dad, so you'll know what he'd say in reply." She looked at me like I was crazy. "Okay, say you went to him and asked for advice because you've fallen hopelessly in love with your best friend," I said, pointing to myself, making her roll those pretty green eyes. "What would he say?"
"He'd tell me I need to get help for my delusional friend." She giggled. It was probably my favourite sound in the world. Fuck, I had it bad. When was she going to ditch overbearing prick?
Tegan diverted the conversation well away from her dad. I knew I couldn't push too much so I followed her lead, which was getting breakfast to hopefully help her hangover.
After we ate, I made a call to my mum and she, of course, told me to bring her over ASAP. I imagined half of her was wanting to help Tegan and the other half was wanting to check out the girl that had me all caught up and acting like a huge pussy.
When I walked through the front door, my parents and sisters were waiting in the entrance hall. Carly and Elle had converted the double garage into their cupcake business base so they were often around, Mum worked from home and Dad was hanging back because we had stocktake at work and, like me, he didn't want to be anywhere near it. Everyone was always home, even though us kids had moved out, and my mum loved it.
They stood there and stared at her with idiotic smiles. Subtle they were not. Glaring at each one of them, I introduced everyone and Mum took Tegan into her office just off the side of the house.
"So," Carly said as we sat in the lounge and waited, "that's Tegan, hey?" Here we fucking go. "She's very pretty."